Sunday, October 31, 2004

So, what can I write about in ten minutes?

I have ten minutes before I must leave for work. So, when not much funny is going on in my life, I tend to write in the "stream of conciousness" style... bear with me, okay?
Not much funny has been happening to me of late. Char is gone, and I am alone, reading up on divorce law. I told her that if she ever needs anything, I will be happy to provide it if I am able to do so, but her Mom of course disagrees. (quelle suprise, non?) The other day, I got into a shouting match on the phone with Her mom that really unsettled me. I know it's her daughter, but she is having trouble accepting that our marriage simply isn't working out. she said some pretty horrible things to me... much worse that char ever has... and I just lost it and tore into her... New York style. I know I have it in me, but it's an animal I don't let out too often, and never without being really pissed.

The "New York" in me is vicious... and knows exactly what to say to totally pull the rug out from under a verbal attacker. My comments are not only biting when I get like this, they downright draw blood. I felt bad... not because of any injury I may have caused my Mother in law, but because Charity was right there, watching me do it.

Go figure.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Curve ball- Warning! serious topics ahead.

Sometimes, I just have to write. I write to clear my head, to hash out ideas, to cheer myself up, and to just get it out sometimes, when life has me by the proverbial balls.

This week has proven to be one of those times. I'm normally pretty good at keeping the happy face in the face of overwhelming sadness around me, but this week has been different. It's just too much to bear.

To begin with, My marriage is going through a difficult time, and more than likely will not come out of it intact. There's a lot more to it, but suffice it to say that neither Char or I are really happy with the way things are, and when that happens, change is inevitable. She's moving out tommorow. Perhaps our marriage was a mistake, i mean, we still are madly in love with each other... but as a close friend of mine recently said to me, "a marriage is not just about love." There are some serious issues that I simply cannot forget, get around, or otherwise forgive anymore.

Char is going to live with her mom. Trouble is, Mom ain't doing so well. A few weeks ago, she found out she has spots on her liver. For those of you that understand the implications of that, well... lets just say that it's difficult telling someone that you know may not see next christmas that her daughter's marraige simply won't work. I really love that lady, and she doesn't deserve this... but I know that after two failed marriages of her own, she does understand. She just worries about her daughter's ability to get by without her.

On top of that, two very close and dear friends have suffered a devestating loss, one for which I can only imagine the pain that they are going through right now. They both read this blog regularly, so guys... know that my thoughts and prayers are with you despite my plate being full.

Times like this for some reason, always make me think of my aunt Vita. This lady has had some of the toughest experiences I can think of... Unable to have kids, she adopted my cousin, who died of a brain tumor at an all-too-early age, and she herself has been diagnosed with M.S... But through almost all of it, She always was a rock, and one of the toughest people it has ever been my pleasure to know. She would always say "it's a test." And I suppose life is a test...

I just hope I pass.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

"another day goes by, a fork stuck in the road..."--Green day, 'time of your life'

Well... My life lately has taken a few interesting turns, and I am continually suprised at where life takes me. I always like to feel like my life is kinda like driving a car, choosing your path along the way, but as I get older and "wiser" I realize more and more that it is far more like a darkride roller coaster (much like Disney's "space mountain") You think you know where you're headed, but it's all hooey. Things happen to you and yours that always change the plan, weither you like it or not. Sometimes I think the best we can do is just hope that the guy who laid out the path you're stuck on truly has your best interests at heart.

I can see God in the planning phase of it now..."I've got his great roller coaster idea... of course no one will survive the fifty foot cliff it runs off of, but what the hey.... Hey, is that Rob guy outside? he'd be perfect for this one."

But I digress...

There are a few forks that came up this week, most having to do with my carrer. I promised I would not bitch about said career, so I will just say this... I think everyone's carrer has highs balanced by spectacular lows. I had a great high early this week, and hit an amazing low yesterday.

"Fifty foot drop anyone?"

So I sit here, contemplating the future of my carrer. Do I follow blindly in hopes of success? or do I jump off the roller coaster now? Another interesting twist that came up this week is that I applied for a part time gig as a paranormal investigator.

I know... the buisness cards alone will be worth it if it comes through. Anyway, all this brings me to what is really on my mind right now.... My relationship with my brother.

"warning... serious topic ahead... please keep your arms and hands inside the car at all times, and enjoy your ride."

I know... I went from "a" to "24" there. I suppose a little explanation is in order. You see, The carrer issues led to the paranormal thing, which lead to me talking to mom about it last night, (you have to know her), which lead to her apparently telling Jay, which lead to the e-mail I got from him this morning after almost a year of not speaking to him.

Follow? Good. Let's move on. My relationship with my brother is... strained. Not for any really good reason, either... it just is. I believe that as we have gotten older, our paths have just diverged is all, and we have developed into two very different people, with very different outlooks, motivations, et cetera. This in and of itself is not a bad thing... The problem is that I don't feel that we would be friends, or even associates at this point if we were not brothers. There's more behind it I suppose... I mean, Jay can be mean, pig-headed, and more than just a little condesending, as well as arrogant and downright rude. I just don't enjoy his company, or the way he makes me feel about myself in his presence, so I choose to avoid him.

I can only assume that he feels much the same way, as the last time I checked a phone works both ways. Again... in and of itself not a problem, but my Mom is distressed at the fact that we don't get along. Mind you, She hasn't spoken more than a few words to her brother Joey in years, (for much the same reasons), but I'm the bad guy for not getting along with Jay. Interestingly, I figure mom must have shared my little analogy with Jay, because his e-mail read in part, "we are not mom and joey". He's right... we're Rob and Jay, with our own unique problems, perspectives, issues, and coping mechanisms. One of them happens to be to avoid each other.

I know what you're thinking... "You must be this emotionally mature to ride this ride." Hey, it works for me, okay?