WARNING: IF YOU HAVE A LOW TOLERANCE FOR MY WHINING, SKIP THIS POST. -Dogs of Atlantis Management
The rest of the Road trip story will have to wait for a little while, as there is something I need to write about, if only to clear it from my mind for a while. I promise that we will return to our regularly scheduled levity after this post, and I swear it will be worth it.
As many of you know, I am in the process of divorcing my wife. What you may or may not know, is that I bear an enormous emount of guilt for this. Not anything like "I cheated on her" or "I didn't pay attention to her" guilt, or even "I never helped out around the house" guilt, which you might expect from a slovenly individual such as myself.
Nope, instead, I have the "I just couldn't cut it" guilt.
You see, Char developed a mental illness, and the major reason we are no longer together is that I don't feel strong enough to cope with it for the rest of my life. Mental illness has touched my loved ones many times during my stint on this planet, and I simply cannot handle it being someone as close to me as my wife.
I have done a lot of soul searching this week (hey... I was in rural indiana! what the F#@k else was there to do?) and I find this inability to cope to be a serious weakness in my character. Now, I don't want to hear "But Rob, that's certainly understandable" or any one of a thousand other platitudes I have listened to from well meaning friends and family since this whole thing began. Y'all are welcome to think whatever you want about me, but I find myself lacking here. What it comes down to is that I have deeply hurt someone I love because I couldn't cope with a defect in her personality. On a very deep level, there is a big part of me that cannot excuse this action, nor forgive myself for it. Maybe I took my vows too seriously, and maybe I just have an over-developed sense of responsibility, but I lean toward the idea that there is part of me that not only needs to feel like I've done the right thing, but that also thinks that bearing that albatross is worth it somehow. Maybe I still have issues with the illness in my family. Maybe it has to do with my own fears of developing one. A lot of maybes, too few answers, and a brick of guilt in my stomach the size of Rhode Island.
So, what do I do? I still obviously love her... I think about her all the time, I find myself wishing that she was by my side constantly, even if it's only to complain about something, and even after these many months I still find myself in stores holding things in my hand saying "This would make a great gift for her."
Silly, really.
One things for damn sure... the guilt I feel over this is gonna eat me alive if I don't do something about it. I can't move on with my life until I do... and I certainly can't give my heart to another if Charity still has it. I don't want to be one of those guys who whines about his marriage all the time, much less whines about his divorce all the time, but it appears that that's exactly what is happening to me. I don't want to feel selfish, but that's exactly what I have been. I don't want to feel regret over my relationship with Char, but I do. And I certainly don't want to be alone in this.
But I am, aren't I? And maybe that's what it's all coming down to here. My friends and family are wonderful, and I thank you all for being as supportive during this time as you have been, but I'm the guy that has to look at myself in the mirror each morning, and convince myself that I've done the right thing. I'm the guy that has to sleep easily at the end of the day. I'm the guy that has to come up with reasons to get out of bed each morning.
For the first time in years, I'm the guy that has to face my journey alone, and that saddens me.
