It's a rainy tuesday in the big easy, and I feel like doing some rainy day whining.
If you have a low tolerance for such things, look away now.
Being me is frustrating sometimes. I feel like I pound my head into the same brick walls over and over. I see the limitless potential within myself, and yet I have no direction or focus to bring it out. I see things I want, but can never see the path to attain them. I see the successes of those around me, yet I never seem to achieve any myself. I see the way others look at me, and detest the pity in their eyes… but completely understand it. I am the guy that feels alone in a crowd. I am the guy that always wishes that his life could magically be made easier somehow. I try to make good choices, but nothing I choose ever seems to work out. Too many times my heart and sould have cried out in frustration as the rug has been pulled out from under me again and again. I know I’m not stupid, but sometimes I wonder if I am dumb.
I know life is not built on dumb luck. I know that hard work is supposed to count for something. I believe in my abilities, but always feel like I haven’t found my niche. I look at my life and those around me, and feel like I don’t fit in with any of it.
I want to be happy, but seldom am. I want to be self-made, but continually have to rely on the generosity of others. I am proud of what I’ve done in my life, and still feel an endless shame that I haven’t done more. I know what others think of me, and feel like I have been misjudged. I hear the words of friends offering their support, yet I have never really felt it. The real me screams from within, trying to correct their misconceptions, telling them that nothing seems to work for me like it does for the rest of the universe, and yet I play the part to which my life has lead me never complaining to anyone, trying to be the best me I can.
It's raining. give me a break.
3 comments:
Come on, man. You wanna go to work, dude, let's do this.
You may not know this, but I feel ya. Hey, let's go in on like a gazillion lottery tickets and see what happens.
A younger Kahuna once gave me a parting gift back in 1993 when I was making the plunge into the wild magenta yonder and reaching for my goals. That gift was a small plastic compass. "For direction." I still have it. ^_^ But now, 13 years later, I'm finally feeling like I know which direction I finally want to go.
However, I think that most of us truly never really know what it is that we want to ultimately do. I know I love helping people. I am not a doctor, but I sure think I'd love to be involved in "Doctors Without Borders" if I was. How to genuinely help people and do the right thing without it feeling forced? Forced charity is no charity at all.
However, since I know I want to be involved in filmmaking and cinematography, and I have a rush of innate geographical and sociological love for NYC, I have decided that I will do whatever it takes to get even the smallest closet space in NYC and get my residency back. I will volunteer all my free hours to be involved in films and filmmaking. I will do whatever it takes. I will, in effect, FORCE it. Because I want it.
I also know that when I attain that goal, there will hopefully be another on the horizon, in the distance. Because to attain a goal and then not have anything else...that's not life.
Soul searching sucks but it is better than some of the alternatives.
What is your biggest fear? To not have a place to store your stuff? Is stuff holding you back? FYI, when I lost my stuff in the FL hurricanes, I eventually felt liberated and released.
Long. Long. Too long. Will cut this down now. Email/call/myspace if you want to chat, anytime.
*hugs*
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