Man vs.House

From the DOA management: It has been decided that in light of recent developments, a partial rescinding of the prime directive is in order. Henceforth, our main correspondent will be allowed to mention his love life here on these pages as long as two conditions are met:

1) Said anecdotes do not paint his significant other in a bad light or make her look stupid and/or like a chimpanzee trying to defuse an a-bomb.

2) Said anecdotes do not provide "Too Much Information" (also known as the "bedroom antics" clause). After all, we here at DOA doubt that our audience really wants to know what they were doing last weekend with the rented backhoe, 300 gallons of shucked oysters, and a large Panda named 'Phil'.

Sometime over the last few months we've been dating, Silverfox found out that I'm a complete chicken with a few things... Regular readers of this blog know that I hate mice, for instance... but a little known fact is that I also hate being startled in the name of entertainment. I am the guy at the movie theatre that has his hands over his eyes just as Freddy Kruger is about to disembowel someone and turn their entrails into a bass guitar. I also hate the distinctly southern phenomena that crops up around Halloween known as the "haunted house". For those of you unfamiliar with the things, think of a darkride that you have to walk through. It's pitch black, filled with actors in costumes trying to scare the bejesus out of you.

Actors that love nothing more than play "scare the piss out of the fat guy".

As a result, I have never been to one. To say I avoid them like the plague does not do justice to my love of the "Black Death" and it's place in European history. Silverfox however, loves the darn things and considers herself a bit of a spook house aficionado. Determined to get me to go to one, she told her 12 year old niece that "if you can get Rob to agree to go, we'll take you."

Hell hath no fury like a pouty pre-teen.

So, I agreed, on the sole condition that I could pick the one we went to. I of course, pick the one that sounded the least scary, and had been assured was safe for kids. Little kids. Little kids with heart conditions and issues with clowns. The problem was that I myself was still petrified. As me, Silverfox and DaNiece approached Blaine Kern's Mardi Gras World haunted house, my feet turned to clay. I heard screams. I saw strobes. I looked around at really creepy mardi gras statues, their horrid, vacant fiberglass eyes boring a root canal into my soul.

Okay, maybe it wasn't quite that bad, but it certainly creeped me the heck out. I stood in place as Silverfox and DaNiece tugged at my arms, refusing to go. Silverfox got in my face and screamed at me, "ROB! You were a freaking ghostbuster and you can't handle this!?!"

This snapped me out of it long enough for them to get me into line in front of the place. Creepy music played. A fairly ugly guy in a worn Tux entertained the crowd by acting quite psychotic, and I wondered for a moment if he might be related to my ex-wife. (doubtful, but it is a small city) While we waited, A man creeped up behind DaNiece and scared the heck out of her just by standing there.

"Okay." I admitted, "that was pretty awesome. I need to give this a chance" The Guy in the tux adressed us as we got to the front of the line with a really creepy "You're with me, fat man." Silverfox got all up in his grill, though and growled "No. He's with ME!" She winked at me, saying "see? I won't let any of the scary people hurt you, Rob" in the same tone she would use with her five-year old.

I'm still not real sure if that was funny or not.

With dramatic Music blaring, we three who were about to be condemned to the deepest pits of hell (the tux dude's words, not mine... I'm rarely that melodramatic) entered the place. DaNiece clutched onto Silverfox's back, burying her face in her shoulder and refusing to open her eyes. Silverfox, the fearless, sexy vixen that she is, led the way at a brisk pace.

Leaving me behind at the first turn.

"SILVER!" I screamed, trying not to sound like the lone ranger, "WAIT FOR ME!" long nanoseconds passed before I heard her sultry voice in the darkness say quietly "I'm right here you big baby. Grab on to DaNiece."

So I did. DaNiece predictably screemd at the top of her lungs, causing Silverfox to scream in pain at her eardrums being blasted, causing me to scream and grab DaNiece causing...

Well, you get the idea. It was a vicious circle of sound. Silverfox finally yelled "Will you two get a grip?" getting us to calm down. A group of 5 year olds then skipped by, happy as can be, and I felt the shame a man feels when he realizes that he's about as brave as a pack of girl scouts at crystal lake.

So, we continued on into the darkness, entering a Mirror maze. I enjoyed this because it was fairly well lit, and the mirrors allowed me to see what was waiting for us around each corner. I relaxed my grip on DaNiece just as we again wandered into blackness, and I lost them again. I screamed again, "Silver, wait up!!!!" She screamed back "I can't! The man ahead is telling me to follow the light!" I was agahst.

"NO! Don't go into the light, Silver!" I yelled. I swear I heard her sigh. I suddenly bumped into DaNiece, causing her to scream, causing...

Well, I went into that a few paragraphs ago. This time add a scary clown that wouldn't let Silverfox pass. If you thought she got into the grill of the dude with the Tux... with a teenager-sized 120lb trembling backpack and 300 plus pounds of large, scared Italian boyfriend following her, she was in no mood to be trifled with. She just stared at the Clown and impatiently yelled "WELL?"

The Clown, like any circus performer faced with a lion, did what any reasonable man would do... he got the hell out of the way.

The rest of the place was mostly filled with clever optical illusions, with the exception of a dark room with cobwebs that freaked me out. As I was screaming, Silverfox yelled that it was just fishing line hanging from the ceiling. I yelled back that the fact that it was fishing line did not help me in the slightest, nor did it make it any less not cool.

We finally entered into the final room... the main den at Blaine Kern's where they have all the really BIG floats and statues. I could hear a smoke machine hissing nearby over the creepy music. A strobe light flashed, providing the room's only illumination. Large, creepy figures loomed around us as we navigated through toward the exit. At times, i could not even tell we were moving. It was like every bad dream about Mardi Gras World I have ever had rolled into one. Finally, we were outside.

Silverfox and DaNeice started laughing. "That was great!" "I wasn't scared at all" I heard them bantering over my pulse pounding in my ears. I looked at the two of them, obviously white as a sheet, and they both started cracking up.

I only really calmed down when I realized I was laughing too.