Why do I always get the comedians?

Today in a fit of sympathy for my wife, I went to the pharmacy for her... on the way out the door, she also said she needed some "feminine protection".

"A pink flamethrower?" I asked before she batted me in the head. I am a man that is secure enough with himself to buy pads for his woman, but not secure enough not to give her a hard time about it after all...

So I get in the car and head to the drugstore, completely unprepared for the decision that awaits me. In the "feminine hygiene" aisle, there are at least thirty seven new categories and options for these things than I remember seeing the last time a woman asked me to buy them for her. I stand there and stare for a bit... I think about it logically, trying to estimate my lady's potential for heavy to moderate flow... and then just get the cheapest ones they had.

If I'm wrong I figure she'll never have me buy them for her again... A win-win for team Cerio.

I grabbed myself a pint of my favorite ice cream to celebrate my cleverness in the face of female domination, and then went to pick up Silverfoxes prescription for her. The girl behind the counter was really sweet... if a little perky, but she said the following after seeing my purchases:

"Oh, you're so sweet to get her migraine medication, pads, and the ice cream. You know, I had the worst craving for this ice cream before my first child was born... but on the bright side, you know that she's not pregnant."

and for my 600th post... some political humor...

For those of you that don't know or care about such things, John Stewart has been doing an awesome job lately of picking apart the financial advice of CNBC, and in particular their obnoxious financial guru, Jimmy Cramer. I've watched Cramer's show, and have been decidedly unimpressed by his use of sound effects for cheap theatrics, and am really glad that The Daily Show called this jackass out. Apparently, Cramer is intending on coming on TDS tonight to defend himself and his financial advice giving skills.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Basic Cable Personality Clash Skirmish '09

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Economic Crisis

You know, if you're stupid enough to listen to these jokers on TV about where the "safe place" for your money is, maybe you deserve to have your 401k tank. At least Stewart is honest about the fact that he's just a comic at the end of the day, not a newsman.

the latest bailout news

Apparently, even supervillians can fall on hard times with the current economic downturn...

"Lex Luthor Bailout" with Jon Hamm - watch more funny videos

I swear, I lost it at the part where Lex curses.

Beware the minds of the youth...

One of the joys of my new Househubby existence is that I get to spend a lot more time with the kids than usual. After getting Pint Size to his bus each morning, I have the pleasure of sitting in the car with Short Stuff for about twenty minutes while we wait for his school to open. Some of the conversations I have with him during this Father-son bonding time are real mind-twisters... like this morning, for instance...

Short stuff was looking around in the cupholder for loose change when he suddenly held up a penny.

"Hey! This penny has Abraham Lincoln on it!" he said, astonished.

"That's right." I said snickering, "They all do."

"We learned about him in class! He's my favorite."

"Really?" I asked, "Why is that?"

"He was very smart, and handsome." Short Stuff said with an authoritative nod.

"You're right... he was a smart guy." I said, "What else did you learn about him?"

"He was very brave, and died a long time ago."

"Do you know how he died?"

"Old age."

"No, Shorty... President Lincoln was shot. He was the first American President to be killed in office."

Short Stuff's eyes went wide with anger. "What? By who?"

"A very bad man named John Wilkes Booth."

This enraged Short Stuff even further. "Well, They need to make him pay!"

"He did pay a long time ago, kiddo. They killed him for killing President Lincoln."

"Well, I need to find him and kill him again!"

"Son... this all happened a very long time ago. He's as dead as it gets."

"No! I need to kill him again so he won't come back as a zombie!"

Right then I was saved by the school bell from laughing in the poor kid's face.

Strange dreams indeed...

This post is dedicated to the queen of weird dreams, my pal Stacey.

The other night, my loving wife fed me a meatloaf sandwich in bed to make up for the fact that she was making me sit through "RuPaul's Drag Race" before bedtime. It is a sad fact that if Silverfox has one weakness, it is for cheesy reality shows featuring drag queens being catty to one another. Me, I couldn't care less which dude looks more like a chick, and I fell asleep thinking about how Pint Size needed his school uniforms washed the next day.

My subconcious (as anyone who has slept in my vacinity will tell you) is notorious for being suggestable when I'm sleeping. The combination of drag queens, meatloaf, and my worries about my youngest son led to a dream that kind of looked like the following:

In the dream, Pint Size was a contestant on the show, and came toddling down the runway in front of RuPaul and his/her judges in a lovely blue chiffon dress. He paused for a moment at the end of the runway and yelled "DA DA DA-DA DA!" at them before toddling right back. Sadly, Pint size got eliminated at the end of the show, and started crying loudly when RuPaul told him to "sashay away" for good.

When I woke up the next morning, I set our DVR to record the RuPaul show for Silverfox, so she will never need to watch it in our bedroom again.

Pint Size has added to his skillset...

Yesterday, Silverfox and I were playing Rock Band when we smelled a horrid stink. A stench, really... coming from Pint Size.

This in and of itself isn't remarkable... Pint Size drops one in his diaper all the time, to the horror of the noses of those around him. So, we finished the song we were on, and went to change his diaper.

There was no poop to be found.

This means one of two things... either Pint Size has suddenly gained the ability to produce horrible flatus, or during his time with his no-good Bio-dad he was forced to learn to change his own diaper out of necessity. (like he was forced to learn to talk)

I choose to believe the latter, because the thought of him poofing baby powder at his own butt makes me chuckle.

Still, it makes me wonder what he would learn if we left him with the Bio-jerk for a full month... he'd probably be able to fill his own bottles at 4 am and cook himself breakfast in the morning.

To Short Stuff, at age 26 and Pint Size, at age 23:

Boys,

Let me apologize now for all the mistakes I'm gonna make in the next twenty years... but I want you both to know that I only had your best interests at heart... I think I'm a fair man, but I am also a worrier and overprotective... but there is no way either of you is getting a car out of me till you're eighteen, and even then, no eating Nachos in the car. Ask your Uncle Chris why.

Short Stuff... Right now you are six, and a lot of fun to be around. Your favorite thing in the world is Star Wars, and your favorite toy is your Legos. Your mother and I joke all the time that you will grow up to be a fanboy like your parents... so chances are you're helping us plan Coastcon 52 right now. You're really smart, to the point where your first grade teacher tells us you have problems in school because you didn't want to pair up with other kids you feel slow down your learning. You just learned how to read books on your own, and your favorite ones are about animals. You also have a great empathy about those around you, and I have a feeling no matter where life takes you, you'll wind up helping people. My guess is that you'll be either a Psychologist or a Vet by the time you read this. I know that whatever you choose, you'll make me proud of you.

Pint Size... Right now you are three and just learning to walk and talk, but you have a wonderful happiness about you that is infectious. Your favorite show is the Wonder Pets, and your favorite nursery rhyme is "itsy bitsy spider". Your favorite toy is an animatronic Elmo that you use to practice your Lucha Libre moves on. You have a fascination with belts and straps, and will play endlessly with one if you get your hands on it. Despite your being a person of special needs, I am convinced that you will be a Scientist when you grow up, because you have a fascination with how the world around you works that I think goes beyond simple childhood curiosity. A lot of people around us that care about you worry about how you will get by as an adult with the challenges that life has presented you, but not me and Mom. We both have a strange faith that you'll do just fine, and make us just as proud as your brother will.


Twenty years isn't as long as it seems at your age. As I write these words, you are already developing the personalities that I know have made you the exceptional men that I know you will become. Your Mom and I are thinking about adding another child to our already unusual family, primarily because of all the joy and laughter you both bring us on a daily basis. I have only been your Stepdad for about a year, but you both mean more to me than I think I will ever be able to express. I hope that one day, you will both choose to take my last name as your own, but I'll totally understand if you choose not to.


Really, just think about it, okay? No pressure... Just remember that you both have several kicks to the crotch coming to you from your old man in revenge for these first years as your Dad, and even if my legs don't work, I'll find a goddamn bat. If you're both Cerios by the time you read this, I may reconsider. Either way, when you have kids of your own, grandpa's gonna spend his weekends teaching them how to take a knee to Dad's groin.


Love,
Dad, age 38.

And to think, I joined this family willingly...

Three things that I have need to note:

1) Short Stuff has a habit of butting in whenever Silverfox and I are arguing within earshot. His point is always "You shouldn't yell. You're married now. You have to love each other! It's required." Makes us laugh and calm down every time. We've taken to calling him our 6-year-old marriage councilor.

2) Silverfox gave her brother a truck she had when he got out of jail as a "I have faith that you're a responsible adult now" gift. Two weeks ago, he totaled it by running into the back of a parked police car. His reason? He was eating Nachos.

3) We picked up Pint Size from his bio-dad today, as he had been staying with him during Silverfoxes recovery. Much to our delight and surprise, he has learned to speak English. When his mom offered him a bottle today, he said clearly and distinctly "Yes, I want a baa." Our theory is that the bio-dad is such a horrid father that Pint Size was forced for the first time to use language if he wanted to get his point across.

Some true funny on a Friday...

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed.

George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation.

Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again."Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Real Conversations...

The following conversation took place this morning, as I was getting Short Stuff ready for school:

Me: Okay, kiddo... get your jacket. It's almost time to leave.

Short Stuff: I don't want to wear a jacket.

Me: Too bad. It's cold out this morning, and you have to wear a jacket.

SS: No I don't. The President says I have a choice.

Me: Oh, really?

SS: That's right. I Don't have to wear a jacket if I don't want to.

Me: Sadly son, that assumes this house is a democracy. You live in a dictatorship, and I am the supreme leader. Now, put on that jacket before I exercise my choice to punish you!

(Begrudgingly, Short Stuff puts on his jacket.)

Me: Good... wait a minute... where are your shoes, boy?

SS: My teacher also taught us about pastive resissance. (6-year-old-ese for passive resistance)

Me: Sigh....

Some funny on a Sunday...

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are ... you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

Funny Things To Do At Wal-Mart While Your Spouse Is Taking Her Sweet Time

The Christmas shopping season is upon us, Ladies and Gentlemen... and if you're like me, you find shopping a bit... tedious when it primarily involves following the woman you love around the store, while keeping an eye on her purse. Try one of the following the next time sheer absurdity of the situation gets to you (most of which will work just as well in K-mart, Target, or Walgreens Pharmacy):

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a McDonalds, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud ..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Some funny on a Friday...

From the DOA management: "Rob's wacky friends week" will begin on Monday, to give Rob a chance to compose his thoughts and warn certain individuals what he intends to post. In the meantime:

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's." The hands had never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man "And whose clock is that one?" *

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock." The hands had moved twice. Telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"President Bush's clock is in Jesus' office." St. Peter responded.

"President Bush's clock is so important it is in Jesus' office?" Asked, the man.

"Yes, he's using it as a ceiling fan." Responded St. Peter.

Keeping the insurance company on their toes...

According to MSNBC, A man was washing his car when his dog got behind the wheel and put it in reverse. Now, the funniest part of the story to me is that the guy's car was impounded because he had no insurance.

Like anyone is gonna give him insurance now...

Of course, this also got me to wondering if something similar happened to me, would I be covered?

So I call my insurance company to ask (Seriously), and the helpful Progressive customer service guy I got was more than happy to answer my strange request, and only laughed out loud twice. Apparently, during training they are hit with much, much stranger questions during simulated phone calls, and are required to answer the dumbest of questions sincerely and correctly.

Turns out I am covered under my liability coverage and my collision coverage for whatever the dog hits, and any damage done to our Truck, but not the Buick, because I only have the basic liability on it. Important to know is that this also extends to kids playing in the vehicle, which apparently happens a lot. (Of course, my kids would just cut the brake line and push me into the river...)

Before I hung up, the agent told me that the next time he attends a training seminar, he is totally bringing this one up.

I love my woman, but she's insane.

Tonight, my channel flipping alighted on a broadcast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show for a few minutes. Before I could change the channel, My darling bride jumps up and starts acting along with the movie, making all the appropriate and inappropriate callouts, and doing her own one-woman show along with the images on the screen:

Blurry, I know, but I was laughing too hard to hold my cameraphone straight. It was like watching "Dude, Where's my car?"... a sight so incredibly silly that you feel stupid and guilty watching it, but at the same time are endlessly entertained by it. I really wanted to change the channel, but just couldn't bring myself to because Silverfox was just having such a good time. Then to my horror, as the "Time warp" segment started, Short Stuff got up and started dancing around the living room with his mom.

Note the look of relief on Pint Size's face as he watches in wonder from the couch... We are a family of goobers, it seems.

Hallofest 08'... (Or how I learned to stop worrying about occupancy levels and love the party)

Well, joblessness and finances aside, Silverfox and I hosted our Halloween Party/Rock Band 2 Jam session on Saturday night, and it was freaking awesome, with lots of folks getting into the spirit of the evening, and imbibing the spirits of the evening as well. By my count, there were at least 25 people at any given time at our place throughout the night.

We four happy Cerios decided to do a family costume as the Village People... here we see me as the Biker, and Pint Size as the cowboy:

Silverfox was the construction worker, and Short Stuff was the Cop... I had to give the "Don't use the handcuffs on your brother or cousins" speech to him twice though... He was still happy, because he got to have a toy gun, and a nightstick to beat people with. (sigh...)

Ringo and his Wife came over early to give us a much needed hand setting up (for which we are eternally grateful) Ringo went full-on with our theme, and came as the zombie of Kurt Cobain:

And Sondra came as Angus Young:

Both of whom looked really awesome. Sadly, Silverfox didn't get a shot of the back of Ringo's wig, where she made a totally realistic gaping head wound out of hot glue and makeup. My wife is apparently quite the whiz at making people look dead. (who knew?)

Before long, our other guests started arriving... including Timmy as a rather convincing Jim Morrison:

And Dave as Prince:

Prince only did 2 songs and left, (as he is wont to do) leaving behind a rather confused Keith Moon. Some say it was just that Dave couldn't pull off the "formally known as" persona for an entire night... I say it's just because Dave realized it was a lot more fun to play Keith Moon. In fact, Dave and I spent about 30 minutes in the kitchen trying to "out-Keith-Moon" each other with made up stories of trashing hotels and what a bitch Roger Daltrey can be. Neither of us could find it in our hearts to speak ill of Pete Townsend though. (He lost his hearing for your rock and roll sins, people... show some respect.)

The ones that truly stole the show though, had to be the Spiehlers as Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne: Yes, ladies and gentlemen... that is Drew as Sharon (complete with little fluffy dog and screechy voice) and Stacey as "the f'ing prince of darkness". At some point, Stacey pointed at Drew and asked Short Stuff if he knew who it was... Short Stuff without hesitation replied "That's Ace's Mom!" and the ensuing laughter nearly cracked our windows.

Rick and Angie looked fantastic as Ike and Tina:

But I'm still wondering where the hell he got that 70's leisure suit.

Cutest kid of the night, I have to admit wasn't one of ours... but was Silverfoxes godson Little Joe as a punk rocker:He kept getting up in front of everyone playing Rock Band and jamming away with his little plastic guitar.

Thank you to all that got into the spirit and turned out and helped out for this one (I know I'm leaving out so many of you)... it was truly a night to remember. I think Stacey put it best over on her blog, where she wrote "You ever have one of those nights where you smile so much that your face hurts?"

Dave's already talking about putting together a cover of us all singing "Do they know it's Christmas" for a YouTube video before this Christmas. I am so there.

Pint size is such a goober.

Last night, pint size worked out how to turn the bathroom doorknob. We found him in this comprimising position a few minutes later.

Rock and Roll kootchie-coo...

Dave reported over on his blog that Prince may not be in evidence at our Rock Band Halloween party, but instead the event would be attended by a KISS cover band comprised entirely of midgets known as the "love guns"... little did he know how close truth is to his comedy, as my research has found not one but TWO midget/dwarf KISS cover bands.

That's right... Midgets that dress like kiss are on the verge of having a tiny KISS army of their very own.

The first, known as MiniKISS claims to be the first ones to have the idea of a midget KISS cover band:Their rivals are known as Tiny KISS, and apparently the two get into regular fights about who was indeed the first.You can't make this stuff up people, although apparently Dave tried to.

I would watch out if I were you, Dave... these little glam rockers seem to take themselves pretty seriously, and I have no desire to see our Halloween party picketed by Midgets dressed like KISS.

Oh, and Dave... next time you need publicity stills for the "Love Guns" hype machine, come to the master:

Tis the season....

To talk about politics, apparently... over on the io9 science fiction blog there's a great article comparing Sarah Palin to Hillary Clinton, in terms of Palin being representitive of all things Star Wars, and Hillary representing all things Star Trek. It's a pretty-funny-but-makes-you-think read.

Lousy Photoshop work on that opening picture, though... I may have to try to produce a better one if I have the time later. Still, the woman that produced it probably gets paid for her worrk, where I get exactly bubkiss for mine. There's injustice for ya.

UPDATE: Had some extra time at work today to prove my point... compare mine to the one at the link above:

In the interests of equal time...

I recently came across the following picture of Obama, as painted by my favorite comic artist, Alex Ross:

A very cool picture of SuperO, I think... so I looked for a similar picture of McCain for comparison, and much to my surprise, I could find none.

Comic Book Artists seem to be a Liberal, cowardly lot.

Anyway, in the interests of being fair, I applied my photoshop skills to creating this superheroic image of McCain, filling in the superhero gap as it were:

To be honest, I think that Senator McCain has way more super hero cred than Obama ever will. He's got the cool origin story, (captured and tortured by the enemies of America... chose to fight the good fight after witnessing man's inhumanity to man), He's got a super power (political career regeneration), and he's got a much cuter sidekick:Yes, I know she should probably be dressed as Bucky Barnes, but she makes a much better Wonder Woman. I also thought for a second about photoshopping a picture of Joe Lieberman as Robin, but thought better of it right away.

So, who am I voting for? Not entirely sure yet, but I'm leaning toward McCain because it seems to me that the man makes better decisions than Obama does, and that's really what being president is all about. Experience doesn't really matter because no job can adequately prepare you for being president, so I guess I'm okay with Palin, too. If McCain's health became a factor, she would be surrounded by people McCain picked anyway. I also remember McCain having a really good sense of humor back when he ran in 2000, and it means a lot to me to think that the Commander in Chief of our nation can take a joke.