Sandifest (tm) 2007

This year for Dizzy's birthday, I've put together something special... Heck, it beats buying a gift :) the official press release follows:

Attention, attention, and hear ye hear ye!

Sandifest(tm) 2007 will be on July 14, 2007, at whereupon we shall begin the celebration of the latest anniversary of Sandi's (Dizzy, to regular readers of this blog) 29th trip around the sun.

The staging area for the traditional Sandifest(tm) Scavenger Hunt will be in the parking lot of the Rendezvous cafe, 3001 General Degaulle in algiers at 6:30pm.

Teams participating in the hunt will be competing for a lovely trophy, or perhaps a few loving cups if we can find them cheap on ebay.

Teams should bring:
A swimsuit
A digital camera or cameraphone
A flashlight
A car
A map
A sense of humor
A change of underwear
A friend :)

I would also recommend that the teams carpool to the starting point.

The location of the actual party will not be at the Rendezvous, but will be part of the hunt. It will also be revealed to all teams unable to find the location if the party before 8pm at 8pm. Teams should be aware though, that finding the party will be the highest point value
on the scavenger hunt. If you are not planning on participating in the hunt, please register with Sandifest (tm)'s official promoter and sponsor (Rob "the Webkahunah" Cerio) and he will let you in on this closely guarded secret.

Teams may be any size. Remember that the point is to have fun! All who read these words are welcome to attend. This includes any readers of my blog that may be so inclined. I'll be the fat guy in the loud Hawaiian Shirt.

Please feel free to ask questions :)

Some funny on a wednesday...

A 2007 study (recently completed) found that the average Cajun walks about 900 miles per year.

A separate study found that Cajuns drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That conclusively means, on average, Cajuns get about 41 miles per gallon.

Braaaaaains!

Becca sent out a Myspace bulletin with this, but I thought it was funny enough to post here:
Now all you wannabe Zombies remember... intestines are very high in cholesterol.

USA! USA! USA!

While you were all enjoying a day off and maybe a backyard barbeque in the company of friends on the 4th, on coney island our country's bragging rights were being re-secured for the first time in six years.

That's right, boys and girls... read for yourself the thrilling story about the mustard belt coming home.

Talk about your effective advertizing...

This clip is enough to make me buy this product immediately, and a box for everyone I know.



Fight Noise pollution, Y'all... don't have kids.

I couldn't agree more...

with the newswoman in this video. I laughed hysterically at this, because I thought that it was great that she stood up about what constitutes real news, and the idiot talking heads kept trying to convince her otherwise.

I give her two weeks, tops.

VIDEO:

From this week's trivia night:

Though I was unable to attend, Ducky told me that teh quizmaster asked the following question which made me spit my morning latte all over my computer screen at work:

Q: How was this week like the month of August, 1944?

A: Paris was liberated.

Nyuck, Nyuck Nyuck.

Did someone get my memo...

That details all the things from my misspent youth that I want to see more done with?

I confess to a love of the theatre... more so to a love of musicals. But sadly, I have never been able to afford tickets to a Broadway show. I actually considered shelling out the month's rent it would have taken for me and a friend to go see the original cast of Spamalot, but decided that having a roof over my head was slightly more important.

THIS, however... I will gladly give my left arm, my first born, and a significant portion of my frontal lobe to go see. I am a huge fan of the movie and it's creator... and that alone is reason enough.

Gentlemen, start your landstriders....

I only have one friend that I think will really care about this, but I'm pretty darned excited.

For those of you that missed it...

The Robot Chicken Star Wars special aired sunday night... my favorite clips:

Palpatine and Luke in a "Yo Mama" Contest
Am I the only one that thought the joke that ends the contest is funny as hell?

The Giant Worm orders chinese
The accents are of course what makes this funny...

and of course:

Death Star orientation
Which, for some reason reminded me of my buddy Dave.

No Comment. Just found it funny.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Things or people that do NOT bother me.

Tagged by Melinda... who, (oddly enough) does not bother me.

The following things do not bother me in the slightest...

1) When my boss shows up with 10 pounds of these:and invites us all to partake of them for lunch. Sure beats Burger King.

2)My staple remover:
despite the fact that it's obviously broken it's the best staple remover I've ever had, and the fact that it's broken doesn't bother me in the slightest. What does bother me is that I get asked once a month why I haven't replaced it.

3) Previews of coming attractions. In fact, I love the previews before the movie begins so much that it drives Dizzy nuts that I always insist on not missing them. It's also the one feature I always look to be included when buying a new DVD.

4) Kids that ask questions. While seated next to a koi pond at a chinese food place the other day a ten year old that was trying to see if goldfish liked fortune cookies asked me if I knew why they had a pond in the middle of the restaurant. I happily answered with everything I knew about how and why oriental cultures find fish to be good luck. Expanding a young mind feels good.

5) When someone buys me a beer. Or food. Or a houseboat. So you know... feel free if the mood strikes you.

6) Being hugged. (Although rumors abound that I hate it when people hug me)

7) Being tagged for memes (I don't always have the time to do them, but I generally enjoy anything that forces me to write)

8) Spelling mistakes. Bad grammar however, really pisses me off to the point where there are some blogs I simply won't read anymore because they are so badly written.

9) People that dislike me. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

10) My weight.

11) Bad puns. Bad pranks are a different issue entirely.

12) Elvis Impersonators.

So, time to tag a few folk that almost never update their blogs:

Lauren
Drew
Ringo
Danielle

DON'T BE FOOLED!

Soylent Gasoline is PEOPLE!

Ooo, Ooo! I want one!

Just imagine the possibilities of shape and design when making your very own Bonsai kitten!

The Dogs of Atlantis management does not condone animal creulty in any way or form. Shape however, is a completely different matter.

Some funny on a friday...

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

The past lies just past the Soulvaki...

I had an interesting weekend... but first, in my email box today I got the following image from my friend Ray:
Apparently, Captain Chaos and his sidekick made quite the impression because I've been told that there are many, many more pictures out there.

Anyway, I went to greek fest this weekend, which was as usual quite awesome. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and the smell of ouzo and garlic filled the air. At some point though, I realized that sunscreen was a good idea, and so I went for a quick drive through the neighborhood in search of an open drugstore.

I used to go to UNO, which is not far from the festival, and so I am intimately familiar with the neighborhood. (I apologize to those of my readers that didn't attend UNO with me, because I'm about to go into detail and describe landmarks you aren't familiar with... please bear with me.) On my little quest for sunscreen, My heart sank as I drove past houses that looked like they were on the ass end of an ass beating. For those of you that remember the house where my first apartment in N.O. was, that entire neighborhood looks like it hasn't been touched since Katrina. Overgrown shells of houses that look like they're about to fall over loomed on either side of the Buick as I pulled onto Robert E. Lee. Here it is, almost two years after the storm and there was almost no sign of life on the river side of Leon C. Simon. Blvd.

Still I soldiered on, slowly realizing another way that the neighborhood looks completely different: all the trees are gone. That close to the lake, I'm not really surprised, but when I turned onto elysian fields my heart sank again... the supermarket... blanking on the name... something italian begining with a "C"... regardless... like the song says, ain't there no more. Nothing but a vacant lot where it and the local chineese place once stood. As I pulled into Walgreen's parking lot though, I saw this sight... which brought to the surface all the tears I had been fighting back:
This, boys and girls... is what is left of the Checkmate Lounge.

Again, for those readers unfimiliar with the place, this was the finish line for Kahunahhunt 1, the starting line for Kahunahhunt 2, and the site of many fun, happy nights with my closest friends.

I bought my sunscreen and decided to get my sorry butt to Greek Fest, ignoring the way all these sights made me feel. Plus that, by this point I really needed a good stiff drink handed to me by a pretty woman.

I was a little dissapointed that the live band didn't play for the bulk of the day like they usually do, but hey... I was there in the company of friends, in a shady spot with a cool breeze on my tummy... and the past (for the rest of that afternoon at least), decided to stay there.

Some Wednesday humor...

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Irony comes in stick figures...

I came across this cartoon today... the funny thing about this is that my guitar came in the mail yesterday...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Some Wednesday humor...

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

Train of thought tuesday....

There's a lot going through the railway station that is my brain today... some trains are stopping to let off passengers and cargo, others are barrelling through at 70 mph and knocking some poor kid's puppy off the platform and onto the tracks.

Boy, that was a particularly grisly thought, wasn't it? I guess that you get a little muddy wading in the stream of consciousness.

Anyway, I was browsing MySpace today, and came across the profile of a woman I met at the con over the weekend. I've been sitting here all morning trying to decide if I should write to her or not. I mean, what would I say? "Hi, I met you over the weekend, found your MySpace by Tuesday, but I swear I'm so not stalking you even though I found you cute and funny..."?

While amusing and full of comedic potential, "creepy fat guy on Internet" really isn't what I want to project to women I meet. Still, my experience is that fortune favors the bold. I guess I'm just torn about writing to someone I hardly know.

Still, that didn't stop me from writing to my cousin last week after finding her e-mail address online...

Yes, I wrote. No, it wasn't real pretty, particularly after she found my blog... But I think we made our peace by the time the exchange was over. This is another thing I'm very torn about... my Dad has chosen (for reasons that are entirely his own and will not be questioned here) not to have a relationship with his family. While I know my decisions are my own in all this, I also know I feel very weird trying to get to know these people that Dad doesn't feel comfortable talking to, family or not. I've made some attempts over the years to keep in touch with that side of the family... but each time it seemed very forced somehow, and never led to a lasting connection. Maybe this is just my guilt at not having really known my Grandmother in the years before she passed away, or maybe it's the slight sting I felt about none of my Dad's family checking in with me after Katrina to see if I was okay. All I know for sure is that this has got to change. My cousin put a thought into my head that has been bugging me since she made the point... if one of us had been making an effort to keep in touch with that side of the family, we would have known what was going on. I tried to get in touch with Grandma after Katrina to let her know I was okay, (figured she would want to know) but failed for one reason or another. Maybe I should have tried harder.

But then again, maybe my overdeveloped sense of guilt is just being a jerk to the rest of my brain. This post is turning out to be way more depressing than I ever meant it to be... so lets try to end it on a high note, about heart disease...

At work today, my boss came out from the kitchen eating an ice cream sandwich. "I shouldn't be eating this" he said, "Eventually, these things will give me a heart attack. You know, I know a guy who died at 41 from a heart attack"

My boss and I are the same age... and I have roughly 200 lbs on the guy, so I laughed at him and said, "You know, when I was 18, people said I would have a heart attack by the time I was 21. When I was 25, the same people told me I wouldn't make it to 30. On my 31st birthday, my ex fussed at me that by eating that second piece of cake, I wouldn't make it to 35. Here I am at 37, and two of my much younger friends have had between them multiple heart attacks, so you'll understand if I view the idea that I won't make it to 40 with a little bit of skepticism. You can't live your life in fear."

"Yeah." my boss said, "It's like listening to the helmet laws for motorcycles anyway. If I want to risk my life, it's my god-given right to do so. I'm just showing that I won't be afraid by eating this." he then finished the ice cream sandwich with a little bit of a flourish. "In fact," he then said, "I'm gonna have another."

"Now wait a minute," I said, "One is making a point, a second is just putting the gun to your head needlessly."

My boss stopped, turned around and said "You know... you're right." and went back into his office. My job done, I then went and ate the last ice cream sandwich.

Hey, someone had to throw themselves on that grenade, right?