A double dose of funny on a friday...

Seeing as how the posts have been sparse lately, I figured my readers were due a few giggles while I finish writing the entry about the NYC trip...

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

I got another one for ya...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

So where ya been, Rob?

New York, New York, kids. The place so nice they had to name it twice :) While the picture above clearly violates the Prime Directive, I don't really give a rat's fart cause we look so darn cute together on a blustery fall day in the most amazing city on the planet.

Behind us, for those not in the know... is the Verrazano Narrows bridge between Staten Island and Brooklyn. It was the longest suspension bridge in the world when it was completed, and always makes me think of my hometown.

Among the other notable pictures taken on the trip:


Me and Dad in his apartment. Cheri loves this shot because we both have the same goofy "why take a picture of us?" face going on.


Me and Cheri being saved from certain doom by the man of steel. one might assume from the picture that I am Superman's biggest fan... the little known fact is that Superman is actually my biggest fan.

Some funny for a Monday...

A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"

"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

A couple of one liners for funny on a wednesday...

Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?

You can drop them off anywhere.

How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?

Eclipse it!

On my way to work...

I spotted this dude sporting a mullet as he rode his bike to work this morning:
Now, That's commuting in style. For some reason, I was reminded of "Joe Dirt".

Movie Props...

Because the TV one worked so well, and sparked many a conversation... Here are a list of Movie props I would love to have on my shelf. Remember, we're talking the real prop here... not a replica.

R2-D2: although I hear there's a club that specializes in replicas of what is perhaps the cinema's most loveable robot, I would love to have one of the ones built by Grant Imahara for Phantom Menace. (signed, of course)

The original Captain Chaos mask and cape: Of course, I don't know if I could resist wearing it...

A Batarang: One of the throwing star types from Batman Begins... although I would settle for the boomerang one that Val Kilmer used in Batman Forever.

The Green Crystal that created the fortress of solitude: from the Superman movies, of course.

The Maltese Falcon: Just because it's cool.

Indy's Whip: Because Indy was so cool that it was his prefered weapon, and it saves his life at least once per movie.

Mechagodzilla's Head: I love Godzilla movies, but Mechagodzilla was the bad guy to beat all bad guys.

The Bowler II's bowling ball: From Mystery Men, complete with the skull of Carmine the Bowler in it thanks to the pro shop.

A neuralizer: from Men in Black. so cool it immediately became a sci-fi cliche.

The arm of the original Terminator: From Terminator 2. It just looked so cool sitting in that glass case at cyberdyne.

I tag anyone who likes movies!

Some funny for a Monday... cept of course it's tuesday...

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Some funny on a friday...

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

Only in new orleans

Behold the heart attack on a bun that was my dinner! It is an angus burger stuffed with cheddar cheese, then battered, deep fried, and served on a bun with a fried egg, lettuce and tomato. I love this town.

I figure y'all deserve a threefer funny on a thursday because I'm an idiot...

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."

"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.

"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"

"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"

Some funny on a thursday.... this time without repeating myself...

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Some funny on a thursday....

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

The ultimate collection...

Over on the TV squad blog, there was an interesting post about Television Props... As a memorabilia collector, what are the the top ten items from TV you would like to have in your personal collection? The original author had a few clever ones, like the ottoman that Dick Van Dyke trips over at the beginning of the Dick Van Dyke Show, The ring Tom Magnum wears, and Tom Servo. It got me thinking about my own list though, and I thought I'd share it here. Keep in mind, we're talking the real prop, not a replica...

The Photo of Mel Torme from Harry's Office on Night Court. Or the armadillo he keeps on the shelf.

Murphy Brown's dart board. Each week she had someone else's face on it... I would just put Dan Quale.

Archie Bunker's Chair. with permission of the Smithsonian, of course...

Norm's Bar Stool from Cheers. If only to see how well my butt print compares to George Wendt.

K.I.T.T.'s steering column. I would say the whole car, but that would attract way too much attention.

The Nomad space probe from Star Trek. I know... of all the Trek stuff I could wish for, why that? because it would look great next to:

A Dalek from Doctor Who. And then they could fight... I can hear it now...
Dalek: "You are inferior!"
Nomad: "You are imperfect!"
Dalek: "EXTERMINATE!!"
Nomad: "STERILIZE!!!"

and so on... It would be like a fanboy tastes great/less filling commercial without all the fat, sweaty guys. I give 4-1 odds on Nomad. But I digress...back to the topic...

The palm trees and dinosaurs Wash keeps on the dashboard of Serenity. Cause they are just so freaking cool.

A bottle of Vitameatavegimin. Still my favorite Lucy routine.

The Radio from Gilligan's Island. But I think the guy who played the professor grabbed that one.

The Bat-bulletproof shield. The one gadget I can remember Adam West pulling from the utility belt that made sense to me.

So, what's in your collection?

Pub crawl re-tread...

You know, as I stumbled haphazardly from "The Bar" to "The Boom-Boom Bar" During the Area 504 Fat city Pub Crawl, the idea that I could do a live photo blog from my cell phone popped into my head. I mean, I had already promised to provide New Girlfriend with regular updates about the debauchery, so it seemed like a brilliant idea to just copy my blog about it.

Of course, the problem is that camera phones take extremely dark pictures, and my usually elegant prose and metaphors apparently break down when I'm tipsy like a Canoe full of drunk boy scouts. Maybe Live blogging just isn't for me... maybe it's just not for me when I'm drunk...in any event, here are the photoshoped-to-be-brighter pictures and better descriptions:After dinner at Crazy Johnnies and A drink or two at "The Bar" we wound up at the Boom-Boom... Here's Amy delighting in my misery as she tells Sandi, Rebecca and Raymond about me and the Assless Chaps. (Long story... I do not own any, nor do I ever intend to... but Amy thinks the concept of me in a pair is hysterical)
Next on the list was Pat's Pub, a bar of note primarily for it's blaring Heavy metal music and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer on tap for $1.50 a mug. (and worth every penny) here, we see my empty mug. The bartender was kind enough to hold a flashlight over it for the right lighting :)Sandi, A.J. and Amy playing pool at our next stop, the Whisky bar. I love the lighting in this shot... but it came out blurry because by the time I took it I was on my 6th or 7th beer...Raymond insisted that we couldn't leave the Whisky Bar without one of us getting up to do Karaoke (which I have been informed by those wiser than I means 'bad singing' in Japanese) I got up and did my best rendition of "I'm just a Gigolo". Amy said I started out like Louis Prima, but ended up all Diamond Dave. The photo of me representing in my Area 504 bowling shirt was taken for me by the very pregnant Charlotte, who was out drinking all the soft drinks she could in honor of Baby's first pub crawl... Watching her get on and off bar stools was extremely entertaining as the evening progressed. Before we left, the Bartender/owner and the DJ said that we were welcome back any time.Raymond and Rebecca at Sweets 'again' (our next stop) in the VIP area. I believe when I snapped this, she was saying "We should have a meeting here!" We were invited back by this bartender as well, for their weekly Monday night football party once the season starts.From there, we went to Cheers, (where they still don't know my name) and I took a few drunken moments to delete some pictures from my phone... I then willingly and knowingly broke this blog's Prime Directive, and posted this picture of Me and New Girlfriend. This violation was primarily because she wasn't in attendance, and I missed her. I believe I got kinda mushy about it too... Don't like it? Tough. I'm in love.I then took this picture (my favorite of the night) of the remaining group of Area 504 members gathered around a table at Cheers. I think it speaks for itself. Shortly after it was taken, we took a vote and wound up back at the Whisky Bar. I had wanted to sing another song, but as I began to sober up for the inevitable drive home, I decided against it. Some of the folks that had shown up were obviously Karaoke ringers, and were way better than I would be. Overall, It was a fun night of camaraderie and laughter, although Our beloved 504 Captain did express her disappointment that she wasn't three sheets to the wind by the time 2am rolled around... Raymond and I simply smiled and complimented her on her pacing. As I headed off for home, Rebecca, Raymond and the drunken Fin stumbled off to Uncle Larry's in hopes of yet more fun and adventure.

Me, I'm content to wait till the next pub crawl.

Live from the 504 pub crawl

the group at cheers, where oddly, no one knew our name.

Live (kinda) from the pub crawl.

I just wanted to post this picture because even though she isn't here tonight, i absolutely adore Cheri, and wish she was here. :(

Live from the 504 pub crawl

Rebecca and Raymond at 'sweets'. Buzzing less after the song. Jukebox is awesome :)

Live from the 504 pub crawl

me singing 'just a gigalo' at the whisky bar. Apparently i was just awesome. :)

Live from the 504 pub crawl

amy and sandi playing pool. Getting harder to make reports as i get tipsier. :)

Live from the 504 pub crawl

gotta love pabst blue ribbon on tap. :)