Some funny on a thursday....

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

Wedding woes...

For those of you that have been wondering about the wedding, it's still on... but there are a lot of issues that have cropped up that have put everything in jeopardy. After much deliberation, Silverfox and I have decided that it's okay to make the recent stumbling blocks we've hit public knowledge.

And I'm not talking small "speed bump in the wal-mart parking lot" stumbling blocks, either... I'm talking "Someone flew the Matterhorn in and expects you to climb it, fat boy" kinda stumbling blocks.

I don't even know where to begin... Many of you know about Silverfoxs Back problems, of course, Silverfox found out then that her wedding dress no longer fit (she has put on a little weight due to her back problems) So she orders a bigger one, and it doesn't fit either...

Still, we soldiered on... the dress thing sucks, but isn't insurmountable, right?

Then we found out that none of my family (including my brother/best man) is gonna be able to make it to the ceremony. I admit that I was dissapointed, but I understood completely... with gas at 4 bucks a gallon, I'll be lucky if I can make it to the wedding. After Silverfox and I talked about it, it seemed like we should still go ahead with it all (particularly with the idea of taking a trip up to new york for a second reception for my family bringing a smile to both our faces) My friend Janet has even offered to stand in for my Mom.

Even when Silverfoxes bridesmaids all tried to bail on us at the same time (figuring that my side was now a man short... a condition which only lasted the three minutes until I could contact a backup groomsman) we still were going through with it.

But then her uncle Vic had a stroke, and his house was the one we were planning on using as a staging area for the wedding (because he's only 5 minutes away from the location). Still, her uncle Leo had offered to pitch in and do all the grilling for us as a wedding gift... so we were still all gung-ho about it.

With love in our hearts and optimism in our step, last week we head down to the courthouse for the marriage license only to find out that we don't have the proper paperwork... specifically , our divorce papers and birth certificates. Silverfox freaked out a little (She lost most of the paperwork during Katrina) but I wasn't worried. All it would take is a phone call to the clerk of court for the divorce stuff, and an internet search to get a copy of my birth certificate (lost in a move, I think).

Except of course that to get a birth certificate over the internet (or phone) you need a debit card in the name of the person who needs the certificate, and my bank suspended mine when I had pneumonia. Still, I figured no problem... I can talk to the judge and maybe he can waive the requirement... So I call the county clerk and tell them I need a copy of my divorce papers.

They tell me that I'm not divorced at all, but still married to my ex wife.

You see, I had been told by my lawyer friend that all I had to do was file for divorce, wait 180 days, and the court system would take care of the rest... they would eventually mail me something that said 'you are officially divorced' to prove it. I fully intended on calling the court on the date (September 18th, 2005) and making sure that was what would happen. Unfortunately on August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina made landfall and things were absolute chaos down at the courthouse for months. Still, I had been assured that my divorce should now be legal and binding, (in fact, Stacey and Drew took me out on sept 18th for drinks to celebrate) so I didn't think to follow up on it.

So I ask the clerk what I have to do to clear this up, and they refuse to tell me because that would constitute 'Legal Advice' and I could sue them. I then called my friend, who tells me what I need to do (file for judgment) and exactly how to say this to the clerk of court. I call them back and they say 'you can't do that without a lawyer'.

I somehow restrain myself from buying a rifle and finding a clocktower, and figure at this point I have to somehow explain this to Silverfox. I thought for a moment that I should first hide her tazer, but then simply decided to do it over the phone (Tazers don't work over phone lines, do they?) . She was surprisingly understanding about it...but immediately rushes down to the courthouse to make sure that she's actually divorced (she is). I could still tell that it upsets her, and I vow to make this right somehow.

So I talk to a different lawyer, and he tells me that he thinks he can clear this up, but I'm gonna need the ex's co-operation to do so.

I haven't spoken to The ex in over a year at this point, and had no good contact info on her either. So I call her Mom, who tells me she ain't telling me nothing, my ex is in no condition to deal with any of this, and she (the mom) will only talk to my attorney. (I still don't officially have one because the guy who said he could clear it up said it was contingent on the ex's cooperation..) So I ask her what she means by "unable to deal", mostly out of concern. She again requests that my attorney call her, and hangs up on me.

After nearly breaking half the bones in my wrist and hand punching Silverfox's marble topped table in frustration, I have my Lawyer friend (the one who gave me the divorce advice to begin with) call her. He finds out Charity's in the loony bin again, (commited or just another two week vacation? your guess is as good as mine) but for sure unable to consent to anything legaly.

My hopes for settling this quickly evaporated like a puff of smoke flying out of a Dragon's butt after eating too many mexicans.

Silverfox and I talked it over (while I wished to myself that I was a widower rather than a non-divorcee) and decided that going forward with the ceremony was the thing to do... sure, it wouldn't be super official, but we have friends already coming in from out of town, deposits on the location, and the sincere desire to commit to each other... a bonus would be that we could later have the legally binding ceremony up in NY with my family present...

Of course, Janet isn't sure how she feels about going from "stand in mother of the groom" to "Stand in mother of the polygamist".

Then Silverfoxes Uncle Leo got hospitalized after a car accident. He's stable, but probably won't make the wedding. This left us without any food for what we estimate to be around thirty guests.

As the icing on the cake, Silverfox has been summoned for Jury Duty on the day of the wedding. Sure, getting married would be enough to get her out of it, but they're gonna want to see the Marriage license. It doesn't help her state of mind (or mine) that her Mom keeps telling her that she should postpone the wedding, and her brother has refused to walk her down the aisle.

Though, on the beach we won't really have an aisle...

Ever feel like somebody was trying to tell you something?

The short of it is that we're still going through with it... weither or not it will be legal and if I will be a bigamist or not is questionable. But I'll tell ya... if a hurricane or tropical storm even so much as twitches in our direction the week of the wedding they may have to fit both me and Silverfox for adjoining rubber rooms in the nuthouse next to the ex.

Update: The second Lawyer informed me today that because of the exs condition, he would need a 1500 dollar retainer to tackle this, but I should be prepared to face court costs of 3000 bucks. Also, because the papers were filed back in 2005, we would have to start the whole thing from scratch. That's just freaking lovely.

Some funny on a tuesday...

A Man away on buisness calls home. The Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's mad-- so he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

Some funny on a sunday...

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Some funny on a friday...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

Some funny on a wednesday...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Some funny on a monday...

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town.

As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave.

"Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.

"Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

Some funny on a saturday...

Fred got home from his Saturday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Once you swap the top, you just can't stop...

Well, by now you've all read yesterday's post... and may have realized I am now obsessed with manbabies.com. So much so that I couldn't stop at the pictures of me and Pint Size, but have since moved on to borrowing pictures of my friends and their kids for my Photoshop entertainment...

I should probably send a few of these to the site that inspired them, but I figure I already have the satisfaction of showing the world my mad photoshop skills, so why bother?

Now on to the photos... for my first offering, I present Dave Gabol and his son, Jack in "Daddy naps while Jack reads"

The hardest part of it was matching Dave's skin tone to Jacks. I wish I had a higher resolution image to work with, though.

My second offering today is Drew, Stacey, and Ace Spiehler in "Now who's the clone?"

Three funny things about the above picture...

One, Drew looks less like a baby and more like a midget than any of these I have seen thus far.
Two, I was so tempted not to enlarge Ace's head at all, but just paste Drew's head over his that I really had to force myself to finish the job. (the big joke after Ace was born was that he was actually Drew's clone)
Three, I didn't have to change Drew's reflection in the glass at all to match Ace's head. that's not as funny as it is scary.

So, Stacey texts me about this site...

Called manbabies.com... which is full of pictures of Dads with their kids having swapped the Dad's head for the kid's head in photoshop. She also recomended that I should make one of me and Pint Size and submit it to the site.

Look. I don't have time to make a silly photoshop project that will just go into some guys "to post" folder for several weeks without so much as an e-mail telling me that it will eventually be posted...

I have time to make two.

I still haven't decided if i'm gonna submit them to the manbabies site or not, but they sure came out cute... (if slightly creepy) so I figured I would just share them here...

I call this first one "Superman and Superbaby having breakfast at McDonalds"

The second one I have titled "Are you sure this thing is safe?"

Three things I am sure of after this particular experiment...

1) Pint size had better watch his waistline as he gets older or he's gonna look downright silly.
2) I was an adorable baby.
3) I have WAAAAAAAY too much time on my hands at work.

Some funny on a thursday....

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Some funny on a tuesday...

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Some funny on a sunday...

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Right now...

Short stuff is singing "Star Trekkin" to himself as he washes his hands after breakfast.

I'm so proud I could bust.

Some funny on a friday....

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

Some funny on a wednesday...

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

Okay... I need a house with a yard.

Why, you ask? so I can build a Tardis garden shed. After all, it's where David Tennent keeps his hoes...

Maybe I can convince Silverfox to let me build one on the balcony of the condo... of course I have to finish cleaning it first...

Some funny for a Monday...

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.

"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

Some funny on a saturday...

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.

The doctor gives her a physical, and then pulls three bottles of pills out of the cabinet and hands them to her. “Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water,” the doctor says, “take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water, and take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.

After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Doctor?”

The Doctor says “Yeah. You don’t drink enough water.”

Something to think about this Independance Day...

As I'm sure most people that read this blog that live in the state of Louisiana know, during the last session of the state legislature, they passed a law that would effectively give themselves a pay raise of over 100%. Our newly elected Governor, Bobby Jindal, had said previously that he would maintain a "hands off" attitude toward the legislature's internal workings, and as such would not Veto the pay raise, even though he was strongly opposed to it.

Public outcry was intense, and people that normally sit on their couches complaining "Well, that's politics as usual in Louisiana for ya" stood up as one and let their voices be heard for the first time in years. Much of this outcry was directed at Governor Jindal, who had run (as a certain Presidential hopeful is now running) on a platform of change. There was suddenly talk of recall elections, petitions going around that would essentially get the ball rolling on removing Jindal and the state legislators that had voted for the bill from office.

The legislators whined that their 40 thou a year was not enough for the part time job that was turning full time through Governor Jindal's efforts to get more done for the people. It was glossed over that with the perks of the job, their income hovers around 60 thou, in a state where many people working full time (myself included) make under 25 thou a year.

The Governor was in a tight spot. He knew that an outright Veto would make it next to impossible to get further reform legislation through the house, but he also knew that the people wanted him to stop these greedy idiots.

I am proud to say that the Governor finally did the right thing. His boss (the people) had spoken and told the legislators "enough!" the bill was vetoed on Monday morning. Democracy had prevailed over those that would exploit the system.

232 years ago, some sweaty old white guys in a Philadelphia courthouse worked together to create a system of government that would allow for the will of the people to be heard without having to resort to violence. This week, (in Louisiana at least) it was.

Many of us have issues with the direction the country is headed. Soaring gas prices caused by an unpopular war have many grumbling for radical change. Any idiot can take to the street with a rock in their hand and toss it at an unpopular leader, but it takes a much smarter person to accomplish change from within the system. Over the past two centuries, thousands of people have put their lives on the line to give you the opportunity to be that smart person, a freedom that we often take for granted.

Appreciate your freedom today. Oppose those that think that Government is there to further their own agendas. Make the founding fathers glad that the country they fought so hard to make happen has endured.

More Dr Horrible goodness...

This time literally... Dr Horrible's Nemesis, ultra do-gooder Captain Hammer, (played on the video blog by Firefly's Nathan Fillion) Has his own online comic book! Check it out!

A few quick funnies on a wednesday...

Q:What did the bra say to the hat?

A:"You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift."

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

Q:What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

A:Bacon and legs.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Doing my part...

to advance the brilliance of Joss Whedon a little farther in this world:



It's a musical. About a supervillian. Played by Neil Patrick Harris. Could there be a more perfect form of entertainment? The Teaser speaks for itself, I think.

What are you waiting for? Click! Click!!

Happy Canada day!

Today is Canada day, which is just like American Independence day... only nobody really became independent of anything, and a lot more hockey is played in it's honor. For those that don't know, Canada is much more than "America Lite" it has it's own culture and everything. I confess that I personally know very little about Canada beyond what I've seen in Dudley Do-Right cartoons, but I hear it's just super, especially in modern times where there are less and less railroad tracks for the likes of Snidley Whiplash to tie a helpless woman to.

To celebrate, I offer my favorite song about Canada as performed by Robin Williams: