Inlaw Tech support

I'm on the road to recovery from the pneumonia I wound up with... the bad news is that I still had to miss almost three weeks of work. God willing, I should be able to go back next week.

Anyway, I'm riding to the doctors office the other day with Silverfox when she gets a call from her Mom, who wants to move her computer desk, but doesn't know if she can just unplug it and move it or not. She tells Silvermama that it should be fine, as long as she turns it off first. problem is, she's not sure how to do do that. Silverfox tells her to pull up the start menu and click on "turn computer off". Silvermama can't seem to do it.

Well, as amazing and talented as she is, Silverfox can't deal with this and drive without running us into a canal, so she hands me the phone.

Me: "Tech support..."
Her:"I'm looking at the screen and it's blank."
Me:"Is it on?"
Her:"I don't know."
Me: "push the switch on the base of the monitor."
Her:"A light came on. It's blue."
Me: "that's good. It should come right up."
Her:"Wait. it just turned orange. is that bad?"
Me:"No. it's just in standby mode. Move the mouse or hit a key on the keyboard and it should come up."
Her: "Does it matter which key?"
Me:"No. tap on any of them."
Her: "Nothing's happening."
Me: "Really?"
Her:"Just the orange light, sugar."
Me: "silvermama, look at the front of the CPU. are any lights on?"
Her:"The what?"
Me:"The tower under the desk. Is there a blue light on in front of it?"
Her:"No."
Me: (trying not to laugh) "your computer is already off. just unplug it if you want to move it."
Her:"It was already off?"
Me: "Yep."
Her: "Lord help me... I hate these machines."

I tell her it's alright and chuckle before hanging up the phone. Silverfox just looks at me and shakes her head before cracking up.

Some funny on a friday...

From the DOA management: We apologize for the dearth in posts, but Rob has been wrestling with pneumonia for the past week or so. He has assured us that regular posts will resume as soon as he can reach the keyboard without falling over. Now on to today's joke:

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

Today's inspirational poster...

Culinary pet peeves... (continued from yesterday)

I'll tell ya... there's only one thing worse than the one post you make in about a month glitching after it leaves the cell phone... when a dear friend takes the time to poke fun at you for it. (see the comments from yesterday's post)

Yes, I'm looking at you Lauren.

Anyway... to continue... I'm not what you call a refined diner. Beer and pizza suits me just as well as wine and tapas. I do know however, what I like and dislike about restaurants... even more so with restaurants I go to all the time. Generally, I enjoy a well prepared meal and passable service... I'm not one to send stuff back to the kitchen, but a poor meal will usually factor into whether I go to that particular place again. I also don't feel that I hold wait staff to some ideal... people in that profession have it pretty rough, and I try to remember that.

Then there are things that just piss me off. I've noticed that this happens more often when I'm not dining in, but getting something to bring home with me. Still, these are my pet peeves...

Pet peeve #1: When I go into an ethnic restaurant, and the person taking the order assumes that just because I can't pronounce the name of the dish correctly, that I have no idea what I'm ordering. It irritates me even more when I just order the number of the dish off the menu and they still question me with "You sure that's what you want? That's noodles, not rice." It's called "being worldly" toots, look it up when you get home and you'll see a picture of me. Now get off my case and fetch me my number 23 pronto before I start cursing in italian.

Pet peeve #2: When I order a meal for six people and they give me one fork. While I appreciate that someone of my carriage is often assumed to have an exceptional appetite, I am not going to eat six entrees and two appetizers by myself. Maybe I'm just being a little over sensitive, but this really insults me. I am a man, not an eating machine.

Pet peeve #3: When the person behind the counter insists I haven't ordered enough. "do you want fries with that?" is one thing... but when I order something without rice, noodles, or bread, who are you to tell me "You big man. you eat rice."? I used to go to this one Chinese place that did this to me constantly when I worked in the french quarter.

Pet peeve #4: When a waiter acts irritated when I ask what's in a dish, or for specifics about how it's prepared. I'm usually asking because I have food allergies and I'm embarrassed enough that I have to ask, so lose that freaking attitude. My Mom is allergic to soy and corn, so she has to do this all the time... I wonder how she deals with it.

Pet peeve #5: When I'm in the drive through and the person on the other end of the speaker says anything but "Welcome to (our fast food joint) may I take your order?" Anything else just confuses me, especially in the morning before I've had my coffee. There's a McD's not far from where I work where they say "What can I make for you this morning?" every time. No "Welcome." No "Good morning." Just some pain in the ass piece of homespun crapola that I have to get her to repeat twice before it registers in my head. GOD, THIS BUGS ME!!!! I was tempted to write to McDonalds and complain about it, but realized my opinions matter to McDonalds about as much as a field mouse matters to the President of the United States, which is to say not at all.

Okay. End of rant.

Culinary pet peeve #1.

When I go into an ethnic restaurant and the person taking my order assumes i have no idea wh

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Some funny for a Monday...

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

Today's inspirational poster...

Some funny on a friday...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

Some funny on a thursday....

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

Some funny on a wednesday...

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

"Yes, and two very good leads!"

Boy, I wish I'd thought of this first...

I don't know why I found Garfield Minus Garfield so funny, but I laughed pretty heartily at it.

Absolutely amazing....

The following sight snapped with my cameraphone on my morning commute last Friday is familiar to most of us around election time... particularly in the south, where the weather is generally good enough to allow for such things. A bunch of campaign volunteers out on the street corner of a busy intersection waving signs, in the vain hope that it will prompt you to suddenly slap yourself in the head and say "WOW! SOMEONE WAVING A SIGN! I need to vote for that guy!" Normally, I just ignore these folks, drive happily by and continue not giving a damn. Friday was different though, because in this picture is something I have never seen before.


I know that the resolution sucks, but if you look closely, you will see that the gentleman in the red and blue tie is Mr. Steve Scalise, candidate for my local congressional seat (left vacant when Bobby Jindal was made governor of Louisiana) . That's right... it's not just a bunch of dumbass volunteers waving furiously to keep from freezing on a blustery Louisiana morning... the actual CANDIDATE is out there with them, smiling and waving at passerby. I double checked this fact by looking at his website, and sure enough it was him.

It's refreshing that a candidate for public office is humble enough to actually stand side by side with those campaigning for him. It shows character and humility. The man's got my vote.

Of course, this is probably exactly why he did it, and I have just been manipulated royaly. Is it just me? Would this make a difference to you?

Okay, so it's been a while.

I'm thinking that a lot of you are out there wondering why this blog has been so quiet lately... well, I've been busy focusing my creative efforts in other directions, and so that means that something had to give. Unfortunately, it was my blog that cracked under the pressure like a fat guy sitting on a watermelon.

Being a Writer with a blog is very different from being a blogger that writes. While I love my blog in that it gives me a creative channel to use when I really, really need to write, it is also a bit of a distraction when I'm trying to write something more substantial. The short of it is that I'm working on something, and on top of it i've been buisier at work lately too, leaving me no time to blog. I'd love to hear from other writers that have blogs about how they manage it.

But enough excuses... How is everyone? I'm fine, if a little worn around the edges. I'm still working on how to manage to write ten pages a day while balancing family and work... but Silverfox has been really encouraging about my writing efforts and that helps a lot. It isn't easy being in love with a writer as I understand it... it's a fairly solitary thing for the most part, even when it seems like I'm napping on the couch, I'm really fitting plot details together like legos in my head to spit out onto the screen later. It's my process, and it works for me...but loved ones don't usually understand this. To much of the world, it seems i'm being lazy, or procrastinating... they offer platitudes about writers block, even though I sit there and assure them that when I'm ready to write it, I'll write it.

But not Silverfox. She's been extremely patient as she tries to get a grip on how I work on something like a screenplay. Yes, occasionally she'll chide me when she knows I'm putting off writing to spend time with the kids, but I can tell it's only cause she's worried that i'm not getting any "Me" time.

It's really kinda awsome :)

I have a lot more to talk about, so today may be a multiple entry day. We'll see how it all shapes up as my day progresses.

The smartest TV shows of all time?

I came across this story on the internet where A big MENSA muck-a-muck (Jim Werdell, chairman of MENSA international) made a list of what he thinks are the smartest TV shows of all time. This is a topic I hold very near and dear to my heart, because in addition to being a fairly smart guy, I also watch a great deal more TV than I should. I was extremely surprised by most of his list, which I'll share with you instead of making you read the story:

Top ten smartest shows of all time (in no particular order):

1. M*A*S*H
2. Cosmos (with Carl Sagan)
3. CSI
4. House
5. West Wing
6. Boston Legal
7. All in the Family
8. Frasier
9. Mad About You
10. Jeopardy

What's on this list bothers me, but less than the glaring ommisions bother me. There is no mention of ANY sci-fi show, for starters... and you can't tell me that the new Battlestar Galactica isn't just as smart as many on this list. Also, while I appreciate CSI, you're not gonna sit there and tell me that it's smarter than Columbo or Monk. I like that Cosmos is on there, but where the heck is NOVA? And excuse me, but Mad About You? All this list really shows me is that MENSA membership is not rewarded because of good taste.

In any event, I have come up with my own list of the ten smartest shows of all time, in no particular order:

1. Northern Exposure- Smart and vibrant characters were the hallmark of this show ten years before anyone heard of Gilmore Girls. If you are unfimiliar with this show, I highly advise checking it out.
2. The Twilight Zone- It's one thing to be smart, it's another thing entirely to be as consistantly smart as Rod Serling week after week, with entirely new characters and situations.
3. Soap- This show was so smart and so ahead of it's time, it couldn't find the audience it needed to survive. It had among other things the first openly Gay regular character in prime time.
4. Mythbusters- Educating and entertaining. Need I say more?
5. Dr Who- With complex plots, characters, historical accuracy, and flair, Dr. Who manages to be smart by simply never talking down to it's audience.
6. NOVA- the first and still the greatest PBS science show ever produced.
7. Dead Like Me-It always bothers me that this show never seems to get its due. It's very smart and clever in it's execution, and in the way it examines how we as a species deal with our own mortality.
8. House- Smart and very, very funny. Still I wonder how many unusual cases they can come up with before he starts treating common colds and such...
9. Firefly- Just edged out Galactica for a spot on my list. The details of this show are what make it smart... the amount of thought that went into creating the 'Verse that the crew of Serenity lives in are an uncommonly rich and full world for us to explore.
10. The Daily Show- Not only smart, but consitantly edgy. Political satire isn't easy to do, but they do it really, really well without talking down to their audience. Their coverage of "Indecision 2000" should and probably will go into the ranks of classic television.

But then again, that's just my opinion... Maybe i'm just too cool for MENSA. Discuss?

I am so there.

Best. Year. Ever.

To all that posted on their blogs wishing me a happy Birthday/Robbie Gras, I thank you all for your kind wishes and warm fuzzies... but I think Melinda won the comedy award this year, by saying this:

For those of you who don't know, today marks a holiday celebrated throughout the United Federation of Planets, Robbie Gras! Today, the great and powerful Rob has completed yet another trip around Sol. But don't give him too much credit. The planet did most of the work.

Short, to the point and very, very funny. I laughed for at least five minutes.

Robbie Gras 2008 started out for me at 5 am with my clock radio belting out my favorite Billy Joel song. Silverfox even rolled over and said "Wow... that's kinda weird... Your favorite song on your birthday?"

"Through Robbie Gras, all things are possible, my dear."

We went out to the Metarie Parade Route to set up Camp Kahunah, (Pictured below with Brouhaha in front of the tiki god acting like his usual ham-tastic self.)
Note the palm tree cooler and tiki god... it was quite a sight.

I sat out on the parade route by myself for a while to reserve our territory, as Silverfox had to head back home to load up the food, kids, and my Dad. As I watched others clamber about in the early morning light setting up folding chairs, tents and ladders I had some time to think.

This has been an extraordinary year to be Rob... and it's only February. I'm finally getting the hang of this "Dad" thing, My birthday fell on Mardi Gras which fell on "super Tuesday", I'm with an incredible, funny, charming woman that can cook an equally incredible barbeque meal for me and thirty of my closest friends, my Dad came down to visit for the first time in years, the Giants won the effing super bowl, and had their victory parade on my birthday as well.

I'm truly beginning to think that somebody up there likes me.

Robbie Gras prep...

I've been a little busy lately, what with Dad in town and Mardi Gras parades, that I haven't posted in a while... Still I had to share the cake that Silverfox made me for tomorrow with the world:

I don't know what I did to deserve someone as smart, funny and talented as Silverfox in my life, but I'm so glad I did it.

Robbie Gras 2008

Friends, compadres, well wishers, and true funk soldiers...

As many of you are well aware, the stars and planets have aligned to make it that Robbie Gras (my birthday) and Mardi Gras will both fall upon February 5 this year. The Krewe of Kahunah will be celebrating this rare event in style this year on the metarie parade route. Pops Kahunah and I are feverishly working on resurecting my beloved paper mache tiki god from the ashes just for the occasion, and the lovely Silverfox is woking on special "Krewe of Kahunah" medalions as well.

We will be eating, drinking and enjoying the wonders of mardi gras at Camp Kahunah, which will be located on the Veterans neutral ground across from houstons. We will have much food, drink and good times to offer any that wish to join us, but more food, drink and good times are always welcome.

All who read these words are invited to attend, and we hope to see you there. Please RSVP with either me or Silverfox.

Dad in his element

Dad is in town for a few days. Rather than hit the french quarter, we hit a muddy rail yard. That's dad for ya.

Adventures in parenting...

From the Big Book of parental lessons, Volume 1... Why you should never give your child a cardboard mailing tube:

Pint Size had endless fun wacking me with it over and over again. You'll note that instead of helping me avoid further pummelling, Silverfox took pictures. Clicking on it will pull up the animated version of my humiliation at the hands of a toddler. I refuse to take that test circulating the internet of "How many 5 year olds could you take in a fight". The answer is none.

After an I.V. ...

pint size is feeling like a new man. A new man that can buy the ' I survived having mono' t-shirt from the gift shop.

Ya wanna check that again, doc?

Another parental milestone tonight.. First trip to the e.r. with pint size. He was all muckusy and puking all day, so silverfox thought it prudent. After many tests, the docs determined he has mono. Yes, i said mono.

In 2008, less is more...

In 2008, rather than make any resolutions that I'll just abandon by Robbie Gras, I have decided I will instead try to do the following:

Eat less, exercise more.
Drive less, walk more.
Work less, write more.
Worry less, laugh more.
Watch TV less, read more.
Plan less, travel more.
Complain less, do more.
Hate less, Love more.

I'll let you know how it goes :)

The full story....A red hot New Year's eve

It all started out to be a fun and happening New Year's eve, with a nice diverse crowd showing up for our party... here we see Dizzy, Fin, and Finwife reasonably in the spirit... what is Finwife looking off camera at you ask?
She's looking at my nominees for "Cutest couple of the new year"... Mrs and Mr Ringo! They were just adorable last night.
So we got together in the parking lot of the complex to watch the fireworks... being surrounded by rich folk has it's benefits, because at midnight, the entire skyline around us exploded with color as they all tried to outdo each other. It was pretty spectacular. After midnight, Silverfox gathered everyone together to toast the new year and give thanks for the past one. I admit, I blushed a bit when Silverfox said that she was thankful for finding a man that taught her the "true meaning of being rich beyond words." Pretty sure she meant me, I joked around a bit and for my toast, said "Back at ya toots. To a loving home and the company of friends." It continued around the room, and I realized that 2007 was an incredible year for so many that touch my life. It was a heartwarming moment, and a great start to the new year. We entertained our guests till about 2:30, playing board games and such.

Silverfox and I then cuddled together on the couch, chatting a bit about our hopes and goals for the new year, when we heard someone going door to door pounding on all the doors in the condo complex. Before he got to our door I stuck my head out, and was told that our building was on fire. Apparently, embers from the local fireworks alighted upon the roof of the building, and had been smoldering there since midnight. From the other side of the pool, Silverfox and I watched as our New Years hopes we had been talking about just moments before were in danger of going up in smoke, quite literally.

Three fire engines full of Kenner's bravest responded to the scene, and got the fire under control fairly quickly (quickly being about twenty of the longest minutes I have ever spent)
For a while there, it looked like we would have to find somewhere else to stay for a few days, as the fire damaged the building's electrical system... but the fire marshal inspected the wiring, and said that we were clear to go back in. Some of our neighbors weren't so lucky, as the fire damaged three of the units in the building.

Our adrenaline pumping in overtime, Silverfox and I chatted some more before falling asleep, and I told her that when it comes down to it, all of the stuff that was in danger were really just things... that the most important thing in my life was standing next to me by the pool that night.

Uncharacteristically mushy, I know... But she was right. We are truly rich in ways beyond monetary or property value. It will be a great year... no matter what life throws at us.

In other news, Pint size learned to climb all the way up the stairs in the condo. (Nearly gave Silverfox a heart attack) till he slowly and carefully started climbing back down again. We're so proud.

The morning after...

the fire was pretty bad. It damaged three units in our building . In the photo above, me and silverfox's place is on the left side of the building. We got very lucky.

New years fireworks...

at 3:07 new years eve , after our last party guests left, our building caught fire. Happy new year! We are fine. More to come.

The last Meme of the year...

Culled from RPP’s Blog, just before Melinda tagged me for it anyway…

The 2007 meme- What you do is take the first sentence of the first post of each month for the whole year… doing so will cause you to see some great revalation and enlighten your way into being one with the bloggosphere or something. I don’t know. It still sounded cool, though… so here goes:

January- Apparently, we have a bit of a situation here in southeast louisiana... the entire half of the state is slowly sliding into the gulf of Mexico like a very lazy avalanche.

February- Culled from the Back Porch: The Thursday Thresome is a weekly meme of three silly but related questions... enjoy!

March- WARNING: This blog entry may not be suitable for children. Parental discretion is advised.

April- As many of you know, it is one of my lifelong goals to pull off a sensational hoax.

May- Over on Trading Up, I am off to a rousing start in my quest for a boat, and I couldn't be happier.

June- A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

July-This clip is enough to make me buy this product immediately, and a box for everyone I know.

August- I’ve got a fever that only a Play-Doh Cowbell can cure.

September- Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year.

October- I hate being sick.

November- For those of you that don't know, November is National Blog Posting Month.

December- I did it!!!!

My Great revelation: I joke around a lot.

Wait, that’s no revelation. I feel gypped. :(

Fun with photoshop...

A few people have asked me about the photoshop web site I mentioned last week, Worth 1000. Specifically, they wanted to know what kind of stuff I have produced for their contests...

the first one I entered was "stained glass 3" which was to create a stained glass window you'd never see in a church... I like the way it came out, but I don't think I got the face to look glassy enough. The next one was "out of their environment" for which I put a cow on a glacier...
The next one I entered was "soap bubble world" which had you replace any element of an image with a soap bubble... the hot air balloon seemed an obvious choice...

The most recent one I entered asked you to add extra limbs or appendages to any image, thus the giraffapede:I have more, but Blogger only lets me post so much at a time... I think I've gotten better over time, tho...

Sweeter...

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Although I would have been more psyched if I was Gigantor...

How dumb am I?

Like, I'm real dumb. Totally!

Quoth the web quiz: "If you're lucky, your abject stupidity will become the stuff of legend. For decades to come, people will recall how you ran into a lamppost at your cousin's barbecue, or how you brought the world to the brink of nuclear war by peeing into Jiang Zemin's bidet.

Not that you know who Jiang Zemin is. Or what a bidet is. Fool."

How Dumb Are You?
A Rum and Monkey stupidity.

Sweeet.

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

I really wish I could say I'm surprised...

We interrupt this broadcast....

For the following Movie Trailer.

I am so there.

A very geeky Christmas- part 12- Norad tracking santa...

For those of you that don't know, NORAD tracks Santa's trip around the world using the latest satellite technology to follow Rudolph's nose. Short Stuff and I have been checking on his progress every few hours, but when we saw that St, Nick had hit Mexico, we decided that Short stuff and Pint size needed to be in bed.

For those of you that have never heard the story, a department store in Colorado accidentally printed a NORAD phone number as a "Santa hot line" one holiday season. As a result, hundreds of kids called NORAD instead of the recording the store had set up. Rather than be grumpy about it, the NORAD staff told each child that called that they were tracking Santa's sleigh, and it was heading their way soon. NORAD volunteers have done the same thing every year since.

Now, I have a date on the sofa with Silverfox and some egg nog while we watch the fire burn low... But to all that read these words, May your Christmas find you wherever you are, and may you have as much Joy and Peace this holiday season as you desire.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

A very geeky Christmas- part 11- Klingon Christmas carols...

Just so you know, the University of Saint Paul, Minnesota did s complete adaptation of "a Christmas Carol" in Klingon this year... But in the pots title, I really mean Christmas Carols that Klingons would sing.

The Klingon Christmas Song
("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire....")

Phasers flashing in the depths of space,
Ripping up an airtight hull;
Signs of fear on you enemy's face,
And life-support signs reading null!
Ev'rybody knows a Romulan's a spineless foe
Who lacks the Klingon will to fight!
Phaser beams set his torso aglow --
He'll find it hard to breathe tonight!

He knows that Gowron's on his way
And soon he'll be the object of the verb "to slay"!
And ev'ry slinking Rom and Pakled spy
Will soon be the subject of the verb "to die"!

And so, I'm offering this simple threat
To Feds, and all those Cardies, too:
You'll be as dead as a life-form can get --
Merry Christmas to you!


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Klingon Beast of Burden
Translated by Nick Nicholas

ghIch Doq ghaj wa' 'er *ru'Dov*.
bochqu' ghIchDaj 'e' vIDIS.
chaq 'ervam leghchugh neH vay',
"wewqu' ghIchvam" jatlhu'nIS.
HaghtaH 'ej reH luvaqtaH
'ermey latlh Hoch, bejtaHDI'.
'er Quj vay' jeS-choH *ru'Dov*,
chIch reH 'e' lu-tuch naSwI'!

qaSSI' *QISmaS* 'eng ram nung,
'a jatlh *SantatlhoS*:
"ghIch wewqu'wI' ru'DovwIj,
DujwIj'e' DaHjaj HIchIj!"

tugh jupDaj DachoH 'ermey.
Quchqu'choH 'ej jach 'er Hoch:
"ghIch Doq Daghajbogh *ru'Dov*,
quv'a'lIj'e' not wItlhoch!"

A very geeky Christmas- part 10- the Star Wars holiday special

I have been a Geeky Christmas guy for a very long time. While moving into the new digs, I came across my "Christmas in the stars" album. It was a record of Star-Wars themed christmas songs like the immortal "What do you buy a wookie when he already has a comb?". I don't really know what disturbed me more... the fact that I had this album or the fact that it was on Compact Disc.

I'll just let that sink in for a minute...

The other great Geek Christmas memory I have is the "Star Wars Christmas Special" that only aired once in 1978. I remember it vividly, but it was never re-released (Lucas was embarrassed by it). Fortunately, through the magic of the internet and Youtube...

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 9- Geeky Christmas Movies

From my favorite photoshop contest site, Worth 1000... Christmas Movies I would soooo be there for...

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 8- Geeky christmas carols

I'll be Cloned for Christmas

(To The Tune "I'll be Home for Christmas")

I'll be Cloned for Christmas,
There’ll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
And One just for Parties.

Christmas Eve, I'm certain,
I won't be alone;
I'll be home for Christmas,
Or else I'll send a Clone!

Happily addicted to the Web

(To The Tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"

With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
I just play WOW, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday, they drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web

I'm happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ily, ad-dict-ed to the Web!!!

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 7

Have a A Merry Christmas... by your command.

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 6

I find your lack of faith in Santa disturbing.

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 5

I AM SANTA OF BORG! YOUR HOLIDAY WILL BE ASSIMILATED! RESISTANCE WILL BRING COAL! HUMBUGS ARE FUTILE!

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 4

Mmmmm? Surprised you are? Santa I am! Get coal you will... yes! Mmmm... good coal. Keep you warm it does.

(He he he)

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 3

For those of you that may be confused, I found the following diagram on the internet...Now, I will be visiting houses between now and Christmas to make sure that the trees are up to specs....

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 2

I came across a NASA interview with Santa, where he discusses expansion of his Christmas Eve run to other planets in our solar system.

(Sorry for the brevity of posts lately, still a little burnt out from NaBloPoMo.)

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 1

For all my New Orleans gamer friends, I came across Mr. Bingle's D&D specs...

Bingle
Tiny Fey

HD: 1d6 (3 hp)
Initiative: +6 (+3 Dex, +4 Improved Initiative)
Speed: 20 ft., fly 40 ft. (good)
AC: 14 (+1 size, +3 Dex, +1 natural)
Attacks: Snowball +5 melee (slam 1d4 x HD)
Face/Reach: 5 ft x 5 ft
Special Attacks: Hypnotize, Pleasant Warmth, Numbing Chill
Special Qualities: Ice Shape, Snow Patch, Water Form, Resistance to Cold
Saves: Fort +0, Refl +5, Will +3
Abilities: Str 7, Dex 16, Con 11, Int 12, Wis 13, Cha 17
Skills: Animal Empathy +7, Bluff +8, Craft (any one) +5, Hide +10*,
Listen +7, Perform (ice flute) +7, Search +3, Sense Motive +5, Spot +7
Feats: Dodge, Point Blank Shot (snowball)
Climate/Terrain: Any cold/snow
Organization: Solitary, gang (2-4), band (6-11), or tribe (20-80)
CR: 2
Treasure: Standard
Alignment: Neutral Good (usually)
Advancement: 2 HD (small), 3-5 HD (medium-size)

, 6 HD (large)

Bingles are sprites that dwell in cold climates and protect pristine
environments. They are not as reclusive as most fey, and are favored companions to
northern faerie creatures and arctic druids (i.e. familiars, protectors,
guides). While most bingles are commonly neutral good, or in a few cases
neutral, there have been unconfirmed reports of dark, neutral evil bingles.
A bingle has the appearance of a 1 ft. tall humanoid made of snow, whose
faerie wings are made of large holly leaves. The eyes of a bingle are turquoise
stones that lack pupils or lids, and the nose is a translucent ruby. Most
bingles prefer dark colored clothing, such as maroon vests and green tunics
(which are reluctantly discarded when trying to hide in snow). They often
wear hats, typically pointed, brown patchwork ones that have folded up edges.
Despite their cold nature, they are seldom without a pair of white mittens.
Most bingles are primarily vegetarian, but have been known to eat insects on
occasion.
Despite their androgynous outward appearance, bingles have male and female
members of their race. Bingle society is typical of a sprite.

COMBAT
Bingles rely on their hypnotic flute playing to dissuade enemies from
attacking, entering combat usually to protect themselves or their territory. If
this fails, the bingle can choose to throw a snowball that does no damage, and
instead causes Pleasant Warmth. Desperate bingles can throw a powerful
snowball slam that causes 1d4 points of damage per HD level (of the attacking
bingle), and an Numbing Chill.
The life force of a bingle is tied to its ruby nose. It its nose should
ever be forcibly removed or crushed, the bingle dies within 2d4 minutes.
Damaging the wings of a bingle causes no damage to the creature´s hit point total,
and both regenerate their form as a percentage of 24 hours. For example,
wings torn in half (50%) reform in 12 hours, whereas plucked wings take 24 hours
to regrow.

Hypnotize (Su): When a bingle ice flute plays, any non-sprite within 30
feet of the instrument must succeed a Will save (DC 15) or be affected as
though by a hypnotize spell, as long as the playing continues.
Ice Shape (Su): Once a week a bingle can shape ice into any form it
desires, up to 1 cubic foot per HD.
Numbing Chill (Su): Following a snowball slam, the bingle can use this
ability to create a shivering, teeth-chattering, chilly feeling that engulfs
the target creature (up to size Large only). This muscle numbing attack
reduces Dexterity to 3 for 2d4 minutes. A Fortitude save (DC 15) is required to
avoid. If failed, a Constitution check is further required to avoid
frostbite (finger, toe, ear, or nose is lost).
Pleasant Warmth (Su): Following a successful snowball hit, the bingle can
use this ability to create a blissful, warm feeling that pacifies the target
creature. The blissful feeling causes the affected creature (up to size
Large only) to sit and do nothing for 1d4 minutes. The warmth aura protects the
target from cold (as the endure elements spell) for 2d4 minutes. A Will save
(DC 15) is required to avoid.
Resistance to Cold (Ex): A bingle ignores the first 10 points damage
of a cold attack.
Snow Patch (Su): This ability allows a bingle to heal half of the damage of
inflicted upon its person, simply by applying snow to its wounds (requires 1
action).
Water Form (Su): This ability allows a bingle to reshape its body into an
amorphous water form for 1 minute per hit point, equivalent to a water
elemental of the same HD as the bingle.
Skills: Bingles receive a +5 racial bonus to Hide checks while in a
snow-covered environment (presuming not wearing clothes).

Party on, silvefox.

here we see silverfox teaching a little girl how to line dance. My baby is apparently quite adept at 'strokin'. I could make the obvious dirty joke here, but she'd kill me.

Well that was anti-climactic.

while everyone was arguing about if they should turn out the lights, the guest of honor walked in another door. I have never seen anyone less surprised. His heart was never in any danger.

A good idea.

this is silverfox at a former co-workers birthday party. The man is a heart attack survivor, and it's a surprise party. Should be interesting.

Woo-Hoo!

I did it!!!! a post (or more) a day for the entire month! I'm bushed.

In the end....

Last night, I had a talk with my friend Ray about what today's post should be about... Today, after all is a day of many endings for me. It's the end of Hurricane season, the end of NaBloPoMo, and my last day of "residency" at my Seguin Street apartment. It's a time of new beginnings in my life, and both Ray and I agreed that this post would probably be a bittersweet, melancholy one of change, growth and the different roles we find ourselves in at various points in our lives.

Then I saw this web page, and found that I had to write about it.

For those of you unwilling or unable to follow the link and see for yourselves, this website advertises a product called the "Flatulence Deodorizer" which is an air freshener that you place over your butt to filter your farts.

As if this wasn't enough to make me giggle uncontrollably for an hour, there are testimonials that attest to the effectiveness of the product. The first one, of a man that says his flatus is enough "to pressurize a plane" literally had tears in my eyes. There are also cryptic references to "activated charcoal underwear" throughout these pages, which I assume must be the Flatulence Deodorizer's biggest competitor. Other testimonials include cubicle dwellers and bean lovers (go figure).

I think I need to buy some stock in this company, if only to say to people with a straight face that I have a vested interest in flatulence futures.

Arrrgh... tis the season, ya know...

Time for some comedy 101 people... can anyone out there tell me what exactly makes this cartoon funny enough for milk to come out of my nose?

I see no hands... I guess it's up to me. Now, you might think that the elven pirates with quizzical looks on their faces make it funny... after all, short people (as a rule) are pretty funny... but no, that ain't it. A look at the caption "Yo HO HO and a bottle of egg nog"? No... that just sells the joke. Maybe the juxtaposition of a beloved holiday icon with the ruthlessness of the pirate? No again.

It's funny cause Santa has a peg-leg, and the parrot has an eyepatch. Handicapped people are always funny.

That's right, folks... I'm gettin nothing but coal in my stocking.

Some funny on a wednesday...

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.

The scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet.

So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."

The scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."

So the scientist cut off his last leg. He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Ho, ho, ho.

The coolest christmas decoration ever now sits on my desk. It bounces up and down on hydraulics, and plays lowrider. Does silverfox know me or what? :)

To get everyone in the spirit of the season...

AOL television has a quiz up about great moments in holiday TV specials... I got 8 out of 10.

Looking forward to my first Christmas with Silverfox and the kids... I hope to find the time to decorate the condo this weekend while listening loudly to "Dominick the donkey" over and over again. Nothing like that song to get me in the spirit of the season...

What do y'all do to get your Christmas on?

some funny on a sunday...

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Well, it was quite a day....

This year's fryday was truly a thing of wonder... at least 25 people showed up to behold its crispy, golden brown goodness. It was strange having so many coming to enjoy this "holiday" that Stacey and I started on a whim, but at the same time I was so proud.

The big hit (as always) were the fried snickers bars, but other dishes of note included the from scratch Mozerella sticks (props to javafoofoo on the prep work), the fried ravioli, and the calzones. Disappointments included deep fried spam-ka-bobs, deep fried cranberry sauce (Curse you, Paula Deen!) and the way-too-phallic-to-eat deep fried pizza. The big surprises were the deep fried nutter butter cookies and pumpkin pie, both of which were simply outstanding.

Afterward, we had a game of beerball with an earth-shattering 14 people... the most in action at any beerball matches thus far. Silverfox refereed the game with a little help from Short Stuff, and Stacey's Stompers routed Supermom's Storm by at least two touchdowns. I don't think anyone knew or cared what the final score was, because everyone was having so much fun.

I'll post in more detail once someone uploads some pictures.

T.G.I.F.

Thank God It's FRYDAY!!!!!!!!

Mmmmmm fried snickers bars.

More to come...

Yam goodness

I sense a great disturbance in the force. As if a thousand yams screamed out at once and were silenced.

Yoda yam

infused with the power of the force my yams are, hmmm?

5 am thanksgiving morning

our guest of honor prepares for the day ahead.

Because yesterday's Funny was a repeat funny...

I gotta hand it to Stacey... she always calls me out when I repeat a joke. There is a very simple reason for why this sometimes happens... every time I run across a funny joke, I copy it to a word file on my computer, to later post into my "Funny on a..." posts. Sometimes I forget to delete the joke from the file, and I come across it a week or two later and say "hey! that's really funny!" and post it again.

The up side is that you, the reader, get to see which jokes really tickled my funny bone. The down side is that you already know the frickin punchline. It's an imperfect system in an imperfect world folks, but I will do my best to avoid such mistakes in the future. In the meantime, here's another joke to compensate for yesterday's absent-mindedness...

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

Some funny on a tuesday...

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said,
"How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Knowing when to shut up.

There are few things worse to a writer than feeling like you have nothing to write about. There is a tremendous amount of pressure to produce when participating in things like NaBloPoMo, and some writers feel like they choke under the pressure.

But you see, that's not it at all...

Personally, I have always believed that my time that I'm not writing is what gives my writing such life and vitality, and I say this for two reasons... One, my down time is when new ideas begin to spring forth from the gestation period in the back of my brain, readying themselves to jump upon the page and stomp on whatever intellectual tokyo that gets in their way.

Two, I have always believed that the mark of a truly great writer is knowing when to end the story. I know that sounds kinda silly in our age of endless sequels and prequels but think about it... would Chinatown have had it's same impact if we followed Jake to go grab a beer afterward? Would Scarlett O'hara be the tragic figure she is if we were there to witness the downward spiral that we saw coming after Rhett leaves? Would The Princess Bride have stirred our emotions as heavily if we found out that the four of them were recaptured by the Florin army after Wesley and Buttercups kiss?

I could go on... but there seems little point. In fact, i probably should have ended that last paragraph a sentence earlier, and left off this sentence entirely :)

I am very Tired...

But NaBloPoMo is a harsh mistress. I am determined to see a full 30 posts for the month of November if it kills me. Today, we did more moving-in related stuff. Buying bookshelves and the like... None of it really blogworthy... so instead, even though it's a Sunday night, I'm gonna answer three questions culled from the Manic Monday blog:

What is your least favorite day of the week and why? I have a lot of trouble with Wednesdays, for some reason... It's the one day of the week I feel like I'm consistently ten minutes behind the rest of the universe.

What's the best way to end the day? Snuggled up with someone you care about between cool sheets.

Which animal would you have left out of the ark? I have no particular love for the Dwarf Cassowary, and they don't taste very good, so I guess they would have to go.

Actual Conversations...or... when geeks drink.

Ray and I were sitting at the bar before pub quiz the other night talking about Star Trek. For those of you that don't have terminally geeky Star Trek fans for friends, one of the topics that often comes up is "Least favorite episode" we go now to the conversation....

Me: obviously 'Spock's Brain'. An episode that's so bad, even heckling it seems too easy, somehow.

Ray: Nah. 'Requiem for Methuselah' has to be the worst one ever made.

Me: What? The one with the immortal guy? I like that episode!

Ray: Still the worst ever.

Me: Why?

Ray: Well, he's immortal, right?

Me: Yeah...

Ray: And he's been all these great men... Solomon, Alexander, Lazarus, Methuselah, Merlin, Brahms, Leonardo Da Vinci even...

Me: So?

Ray: Well, that's just silly. If Brahms was immortal, someone would have found him out. When you reach a certain level of fame, people start to document your background. We know where he grew up, we know where he learned to read music, and we know who his parents were.

Me: But if you were immortal, such things would be easy to fake.

Ray: I don't think so.

Me: Take Walter Cronkite... What do we really know about him that isn't what he's told us? He gained notoriety in his twenties, and everything before that is just his say so.

Ray: No... you see that's my point... people have looked into his background. They know where he went to high school... they've interviewed his relatives...

Me: No... they found a picture that could have been planted in a yearbook, and interviewed some old folks who claim to have raised him... both easily faked.

Ray: I'm sorry... there's no way Walter Cronkite could be an immortal, dude.

Me: Well, what about Dan Rather?

Ray: Oh, him... absolutely.

A signifigant side effect of living with my signifigant other...

My bed currently sports more than 12 pillows of varying size and density.

The bed in my bachelor pad had four, and that was counting my body pillow, and if I threw on an extra one for company.

Furthermore, I've noticed that despite having a far fuller schedule than I do, Silverfox finds the time to make the bed daily.

I swear, it's like living in the twilight zone.

Washyou mean I'sh too drunk ta blog...

Culled from my brother's blog:

92%DRUNKARD

Some funny on a thursday....

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"

A little about Fryday...

According to Stacey, Fryday is coming. It is inevitable, much like the changing of the seasons.

I am looking forward to Fryday Eve this year (also known as Thanksgiving) because I will get to sample turducken for the first time, (oh, and of course my first major holiday with Silverfox and the Kids.. :) ) But the entire time... my mind will be wandering to deep fried snickers bars and their other greasy cousins.

For those of you that haven't already clicked on Stacey's "archive of Frydays past" above, Fryday is a holiday invented by my friends and I when we realized we had a huge fryer and a gallon of oil left over from Thanksgiving... inventive people plus larger cooking equipment always equals good times. The concept seems to be growing in popularity, though. Stacey says the guest list is at 12, and growing. I swear, before long we're gonna need our own Wikipedia entry. (Fryday.com is sadly, already taken) I also think we need to look into sponsorship.
At work, several of my co-workers have been coming up to me for weeks with menu suggestions...

Among those I want to try to do this year:

Deep Fried calzones
Deep Fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches
Deep Fried chocolate stuffed strawberries
Deep Fried mac+cheese bars
Deep Fried twinkies
Deep Fried Ham and Cheese sandwiches
Deep Fried Ravioli
Deep Fried cranberry sauce

I think this year we may need two fry stations... one for the sweets, and one for the savories.

For those of you scattered about the country, I advise you to start your own Fryday celebrations this year... after all, what could be better than friends and fried food? Sure beats leftover turkey sandwiches.

Hmmm... deep fried turkey sandwiches...

Parenting, day 7... or, Sleep? Who needs sleep?

Important parenting tip: When you're sick with a cold, you mope a bit, beg your significant other to make you some chicken soup, and stay in bed. When your child is sick, They scream their freaking head off at the inconvenience of having to breathe through their mouth.

Pint Size is sick with a head cold. It wouldn't have been so bad had we realized this before we put him to bed last night... You see, I think he probably could have dealt with the whole "breathe through the mouth" thing, but having his nose clogged meant he couldn't drink out of his bottle easily, which meant he was not only sick, but hungry.

Yeah, at that point, I'd be screaming about it too. It was an ugly cycle. He'd cry, I'd get up and give him his bottle and sing to him a little (the kid loves my Barry Manilow medly... don't tell Silverfox.) Short Stuff would wake up from the noise, complaining that his brother is being bad, and demand to watch another cartoon of two, which would finally put him back to sleep. Pint Size would act content till I left the room, then chuck the bottle from his bunk, and start crying again cry again... I'd come in and get him his bottle, Short Stuff would wake up again, and the whole thing would go round and round like that. By the fifth time, I woke Silverfox.

"Pint Size won't sleep, and I've tried everything I know..." (admittedly not much... but there are only so many times I can sing 'Mandy'.) "I'd rather not be up all night playing fetch while he cries."

"Welcome to being a parent, Rob." She said, shuffling her way to the kids' room, "learn to love caffeine and B12."

I flopped into bed, exhausted, but could hear on the baby monitor that Silverfox wasn't having much more luck than I was. Finally, she brought him into our room so he wouldn't wake Short Stuff again.

Now, I have slept under some extreme circumstances... I've fallen asleep on the number 1 train, completely missing the turn at south ferry. I've nodded off in a stadium full of screaming fans rabid for Eric Clapton. I've slept through hurricanes, noreasters, nearby locomotives, and plane rides. None of them had anything on Pint Size's fit last night. Silverfox brought him to day care about an hour before I was supposed to wake up. I dozed off for ten minutes before Short Stuff came into my room complaining his room was too scary to turn on his video game, and he was also fairly certain it was almost time for school.

(Sigh)

Some funny on a Monday, I swear! It isn't midnight yet!

Yes, it's true that being faithful to NaBloPoMo is far more challenging than I thought... but here I am, tired and sweaty and about to flop into bed after a long, hard day of work, kids and television, when I realize I didn't post yet today... I rush out of my bedroom, down to the computer, (trying my darndest not to wake the kids... not easy to do when every step sounds like a four hundred pound explosion on the hardwood floors) just to get down here and realize I have nothing to say.

So, from the joke file...

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

Todays' dose of actual converstaions....

"Actual conversations" is a new segment here on DOA, which will detail actual conversations from the Rob's life. (duh) Timing may be edited to make it slighty funnier, but will alway remain true to the gist of the actual exchange. Most names have been changed to protect the innocent.

In Shoneys, after Short Stuff had recieved a brand new Crayola Wonder Marker from the waitress, leading to the following exchange:

Me: Cool... so these Markers will only write on special paper and nothing else, Short Stuff.

Short Stuff: Does that mean they're Magic?

Me: Yep. They're also non toxic, non polluting, non mess making, and low in calories.

Short Stuff: Nuh-uh. They're high in Colories. This one is green.

The lady at the next table totally did a spit take at that one.

Self-centered survey saturday...

1. Are you smiling? As a matter of fact, I am.

2. Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with A or M? Yes I have if my mom counts...

3. What is irritating you now? My back itches, and I left my back scratcher at the old apartment.

4. When did you last eat pizza? Cold Pepperoni for breakfast, baby!

where is number 5? in an alternate dimension where the number 5 is actually spelled just like a "Q"

6. Do you have any friends who are famous? Famous, no. Infamous, yes.

7. Are you any good at poker? Good enough to keep my clothes on.

8. What do you want? I want for nothing, as I am rich in ways that matter. :)

9. Are you tired? Yep. Short Stuff keeps waking up saying "I'm hungry"

10. Do you love anyone? Yes, Silverfox and the two kids... but my heart is full of love for many of my fellow humans.

11. Pepsi or Coke? Coke and a smile, baby.

12. How many pets do you have?None.

13. Who's your #1 on your top and why? Silvefox cause she rocks my world.

14. What annoys you the most about your closest friends? very little, which is why they are my closest friends.

15. Taco Bell or McDonald's? MickeyD's unless the goal is explosive diareah

16. Last thing you said?"I need to go blog. it's Nablopomo!"

18. How many Abercrombie shirts do you own? None.

19. How many Myspace views do you have? 757 on Myspace, over 8000 on blogger.

20. Want to be a princess? only if I get the glass footwear.

21. Do you believe dreams come true? Only precognitive ones.

22. Do you like Walmart? No. it is the root of all evil, which they sell on aisle 5.

23. What's your biggest pet peeve? When you throw a kid across a room, and he just smiles and says "again!"

24. What are you listening to? "Move it" by the Madagasgar lemurs.

26. Who was the last person that told you they loved you? Silverfox

27. What was the last thing you ate? Pie and Ice Cream

28. What were you doing before this? Talikg with Ringo and Sondra about impotancy spells.

29. What is the closest item near you that is black? the computer desk.

30. What is the last IM you received? "Holy pete, sanatoriums are creepy"

32. What do you wear more, jeans or sweatpants? Jeans. No one wants to see a fat man in sweatpants.

33. Do you know how to build a fire? Yep. first you strike the match on the box...

34. What is your morning routine? Wake up, comb hair, struggle to get Short stuff into his uniform and take him to school.

35. Do you like Deer/Elk meat? Venison Jerky rules.

36.What was the last book you read? Working on the 4th Harry Potter book.

37. Favorite brand of jeans? Wrangler cause I'm one tough customer.

38. Favorite type of pudding? Chocolate.

40. Are you happy with where you are? Yep

41. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? depends on the situation.

42 Are you happy with yourself? Yep.

43. Do you want someone you can't have? Nope.

44. Who is your all-time favorite band? The Mighty Bosstones

45. What is your favorite breakfast food? Burger King's Enormous omelette sandwhich

46. Do you like the River or the Lake best? Lake.

47. What's your favorite flower? Bird of paradise

48. Hot dog or Hamburgers? Nathan's Famous Franks, baby.

49. Have you ever had athlete's foot? Sadly, yes.

50. What was the last thing you bought? Gas for the buick.

51. What color is your car/truck? Blue

52. How many vehicles do you own? Just the one.

55. Do you miss anyone right now? Yes... but i'd rather not go into it.

56. What are you looking forward to? Fryday.

Some funny on a friday...

I know I swore to keep the jokes to a minimum this month in honor of NaBloPoMo... but moving, kids, unpacking, have taken up a lot of my time this week... I promise to make with the original comedy over the weekend.

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

Some funny on a thursday....

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."

Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

In my free time...

Like I have free time. It's more goofing off at work time, really. Anyway, in my free time, I've been being a total trivia geek at Sploofus.com... to the point where I've authored my own quiz. Guess the two trivia nights I go to each week weren't fufilling my trivia needs. :)

Anyway, It's called "World domination for dummies" and I'm fairly proud of it. Take it and let me know how y'all do!

Some funny on a wednesday...

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

You know...

There is a reason why I don't normally participate in things like NaBloPoMo... I'm one that believes that creativity can't be rushed. When you're forced to write every day rain, shine, meteor, flesh-eating mist, dead of night, it gets difficult to cone up with things that are consistantly funny.

And I like to be funny. I'm just not feeling very funny right now. I've had a rough day.

This is also one of the reasons I stopped doing the cartoons... when my brain needs a break to rest I fully believe in giving it one. I sit down to write a few days later, and lo and behold, I am funny again. When I force it, I feel like it's a chore, and my writing suffers.

Parenting, Day 1.

Today, my day started just before dawn as sensed someone hovering over my bed. I gently pulled up my sleep mask to see a very wide-eyed 5 year old staring back at me in the darkened room.

"I can't find mommy!" Short Stuff sniffed loudly. Silverfox had left for work about an hour before.

"She went to work kiddo." I said, not letting on that the whole scene reminded me of Children of the corn. "Now go back to bed, buddy."

"I can't reach the light. (sniff)" he said, "to see the ladder."

So, like the good step-pop I am, I dutifully got out of bed and escorted my young charge back to his room. After turning the light on, he was asleep within seconds.

I'm still unsure about this "being a Dad"... the whole instant family thing is something I'm still getting used to. I am sure however that I would do anything for Silverfox's kids, and I guess that's half the battle. Very few people, after all, would be able to get me out of bed at 5 am to turn on a light for them.

Moving in, Day 2.

Well, I pushed myself too hard with the big move yeaterday, as evidenced by the fact that my legs and lower back feel like really fat women have been doing the conga on them. So, as a result, I was on light duty today.

There's nothing like resting in a big comfy chair in your new home to give you a warm fuzzy feeling all over. Even if said chair was partially responsable for the back pain :)