A few quick funnies on a wednesday...

Q:What did the bra say to the hat?

A:"You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift."

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

Q:What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

A:Bacon and legs.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Doing my part...

to advance the brilliance of Joss Whedon a little farther in this world:



It's a musical. About a supervillian. Played by Neil Patrick Harris. Could there be a more perfect form of entertainment? The Teaser speaks for itself, I think.

What are you waiting for? Click! Click!!

Happy Canada day!

Today is Canada day, which is just like American Independence day... only nobody really became independent of anything, and a lot more hockey is played in it's honor. For those that don't know, Canada is much more than "America Lite" it has it's own culture and everything. I confess that I personally know very little about Canada beyond what I've seen in Dudley Do-Right cartoons, but I hear it's just super, especially in modern times where there are less and less railroad tracks for the likes of Snidley Whiplash to tie a helpless woman to.

To celebrate, I offer my favorite song about Canada as performed by Robin Williams:

Short Stuff's party... an exciting day for all concerned.

Well, Short Stuff's celebration of his sixth trip around the sun went off without a hitch. Silverfox and our gaming crew did an outstanding job on the requested Death Star cake:


The little grey things flying around it are Imperial Star destroyers, which Brouhaha was instant be to scale with the moste feared space station in galactic history... Although he was also quick to point out that the turbolaser should have been a mite bigger.And of course, that there should have been a small thermal exhaust port somewhere in the trench around the equator. (Right beneath the main port, of course) I also noticed some evidence of the paranormal in the second cake photo... in the lower right hand corner, there is a large, pink fleshy mass that I have no recolection of being there at the time. Then again, it could just be my thumb...

So anyway, we delivered the cake without incident. Short stuff dressed up as his Hero, Darth Vader, but embarrassingly for him, so did the REAL Dark Lord of the Sith, who arrived shortly thereafter with one of the TIE fighter pilots that escorted him to our little backwater of a world. Don't you just hate when you go to a party and someone else is wearing the same outfit?
Short stuff was struck speechless when Vader entered the room, but while most of the other kids there cowered behind their parents in fear of the dark side of the force, Short stuff walked right up to him, shook his hand and said "Hello, Darth Vader. Welcome to my party."

I was so proud. More photo ops were had, this one with Pint size, Silverfox and her neice, DaNiece, who is aparently far less afraid of men with the power to choke you with their mind as she is of clowns.
Even Pint Size warmed up to Vader after a while... in the picture below, he's whispering to his cousin "Don't worry. it's just a guy in a suit!"

Of course, he was speaking in baby jabber, so my translation could be a little off. Pint size was also groovin on the punch Silverfox made (Yoda Soda... Limeade, Lime sherbert mixed with "Mountain Dew or do not... there is no try"*) Little runt grabbed at least two cups of it from me and chugged them. He's gonna be one heck of a frat boy when he grows up.

Soon, Lord Vader had to leave, as he had some rebel scum to hunt down and kill, so we had cake. Short stuff was so excited that he forgot to remove his Vader mask before blowing out the candles.

Ah, that's my boy....
It was a pretty great day. After the guests all went home, Shorty decided he wanted to stay at Grandma's with his cousins... we were happy to oblige him, but got a call soon after we left that he had tripped onto a stool, and knocked three of his front teeth out:
On the bright side, they were all baby teeth, and will grow back... on the dark side, Silverfox is worried that a cherished childhood memory of meeting Darth Vader is now marred by having his smile altered.


I guess this is what Yoday meant by "Once you begin to walk the path of the Dark side, it will forever dominate your destiny.

*this joke was made possible through the wit of Stacey Sphieler, who is rapidly becoming a fangirl against her will.

Some funny for a Monday...

A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the front steps.

"Son, is your mother home?" The little boy nods yes.

"Can I see her please?" The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep.

"Son, do you see what your mother is doing?" The boy nods yes.

"Do you know what that is?" The boy nods.

"Doesn't that bother you?"

"Naaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Some funny on a saturday...

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

Saturday is Short Stuff's 6th birthday... sort of...

Saturday we are celebrating Short Stuff's 6th birthday, even though his actual birthday was on the 16th. You see, Silverfox and one of her closest friends gave birth on the same day in the same hospital, and so they try each year to co-ordinate the parties so that they don't conflict. This year, Short Stuff got the short end of the stick by having to have his party two weeks after the fact.

Shorty is a huge Star Wars fan, and so we're having a Star Wars themed party, complete with appearances by Darth Vader (Short Stuff's fave) and a few Stormtroopers. It should be a lot of fun, rain or shine. Afterward, the adults are intending on going back to Casa Kahunah and hoisting a few while playing a few rounds of Redneck Life and Rock Band. It promises to be pretty awesome.

I've been looking online for some games for the kids to play and I think that I have a few activities that they'll appreciate, but Silverfox doesn't seem to want me to let the kids play "Pass the Thermal Detonator" for some reason. Maybe I should go buy a few Hand Grenades (the drink, not the bomb) and call them thermal detonators... that way even if the kids find the party boring as hell, we adults in attendance will still be entertained. I also thought about doing a Jedi training course where the kids would have to swat at bubbles with lightsabers.

So, any game suggestions?

Some funny on a thursday....

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Some funny on a tuesday...

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''

''No, she replied. "You just happened to catch my eye!''

I am just an awsome dude.

That's right, kids... I'm awesome in any era.

96 As a 1930s husband, I am Very Superior Take the test!

Some funny on a sunday...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Silverfox and the issue of slavery...

On the way to Coast Con a few months ago, I suggested to Silverfox that we should buy ourselves a slave from the annual charity slave auction. I was unsure how she would take it, (seeing as how part of the amazing multi-ethnic genetic makeup that makes my soul mate one of the most beautiful women in history is African-american), and I certainly didn’t want to offend any part of her.

“A slave?” She responded innocently, “I’ve never bought one before. What would we do with one?”

“Have them serve us drinks, for one…” I said, glad that she wasn’t about to kill me for suggesting it, “and we could make them dance with anyone who asks us to.”

“We can do that?” She said.

“Sure. We could even insist that they answer to another name for the night.” I said, “Like Chim-Chim or something.”

“Chim-Chim! Dance for the man!” She said, clapping and laughing.

We wound up buying two slaves the next day, but released them both early as there was no bar at the Coast Con dance, so we had little for them to do. I could tell that Silverfox really enjoyed it when I told both slaves to refer to her as “mistress” for the entire evening.

Turns out she enjoyed it a bit too much.

At Mobicon, she was ready with a dog collar and whip for her slaves. It was innocent enough, I figured, as she needed a servant for her bachlorette party. But She bought two, and made one walk the other. I have a feeling that they’re lucky she didn’t think to bring one of those royal litters that they carried Cleopatra around on.

Now, she buys up all of our friends on MySpace with the “Own Your Friends” application, and "brands" them with the label of "Silverfox's Posse". I constantly buy them back and liberate them, but I’m running out of the imaginary money to do so. The other day I pointed out to her the ethical and moral implications of all this, and was told flatly that she can trade in human flesh if she wants to.

I believe I have created a monster.

Now, I should probably mention here that in stark contrast to this, Silverfox is nobody's servant. She is as fiery and independent a woman as I have ever known. Her likely response if I were to order her to do something would normally be to laugh in my face. Except in one place... Her mom's house.

For some reason, when she is at her Mom's, her mother insists that she wait on me hand and foot, which she does. She gets me drinks, brings me food, and makes sure I'm comfortable. When I joke about it, she glares at me and her mom starts going on about how "she wasn't raised to give you attitude like that, Rob. I Don't know where she gets that from." Which makes me laugh even more. I once asked her how she could suddenly be so subservient around her Mom, but nowhere else and she replied, "Because I would never hear the end of it from her. It's a southern thing, Rob"

Maybe I just need to create a MySpace app that will act like her Mom :)

Some funny on a friday...

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Challenge of the Super Friends...

Over on the TV Squad blog, they’ve been reviewing the old Super Friends cartoons during the summer, seeing as how there is little to review on TV right now. Normally, I just skim over these entries, taking my little trip down nostalga lane for a few minutes, and then getting on with my life.

However, today’s entry was a bit of a sticking point for me… it postulated that many of the multi-ethnic heroes and also-rans added later in the show (Specifically, Samurai, Apache Chief, Black Vulcan, El Dorado, and Firestorm) were way more powerful than the original Super Friends (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman) and thusly should have been running the show at the Hall of Justice. His explanation is fairly simple… in a smack down, the original four (five, if you count Robin) have very few powers between them, and a tremendous weakness or two. (i.e. kryptonite and being away from water for about an hour)

I hate to say it, but I would tend to agree with the commentator, were it not for one thing…

Batman.

Sure, the Batman in the Super Friends is a far cry from the brooding creature of the night in the Bruce Timmeverse, but he’s still a tactical genius, and one of the baddest hand-to-hand fighters on the planet earth. The blogger in question seems to think that if you take away the utility belts, Batman and Robin are simply helpless.

Au Contrare, mon ami. A Batman (any Batman) without his gadgets is even more dangerous because he is then forced to use his most powerful weapon… his brain.

Methinks it would go down something like this…

INT- HALL OF JUSTICE- DAY

Samurai, Apache Chief, Black Vulcan and El Dorado are sitting around the Hall of Justice water cooler one day, when Firestorm walks in.

BLACK VULCAN: I’m telling you guys… all of us new members are just the tokens around here. The only reason they let us into this group of theirs is affirmative action! They’ve reduced us and our cultures to stereotypes!

EL DORADO: Madre de Dios, Black Vulcan! You’re right!

APACHE CHIEF: Ease off on the Spanish, kimo sabe. It’s just what they want you to do.

Apache Chief slaps himself for doing the same thing.

FIRESTORM: Whoa guys…that isn’t true. What about me?

SAMURAI: Do you see any other teenagers around here, Firestorm?

FIRESTORM: Well, there’s The wonder twins… and Robin.

SAMURAI: I meant straight teenagers. Robin doesn’t count. He’s been Batman’s sidekick since the 50’s.

BLACK VULCAN: Yeah. Dude must be at least 60 by now.

APACHE CHIEF: So, what do we do?

BLACK VULCAN: We take em out! Show Superhonky and the whitebread squad how we do things in the ghetto.

APACHE CHIEF: Dude, now you’re doing it.

BLACK VULCAN: Damn.

NARRATOR: AT THAT MOMENT, SUPERHONK… I MEAN SUPERMAN, WONDER WOMAN, BATMAN, ROBIN AND AQUAMAN RETURN FROM SAVING THE WORLD ONCE MORE.

BLACK VULCAN: Get em, guys!

Black Vulcan fires a lightning bolt at Superman, doing exactly squat.

SUPERMAN: What is the meaning of this?

SAMURAI: We’ve had it working as your token minorities!

Samurai hurls a whirlwind at Wonder Woman, making her spin.

WONDER WOMAN: Great Hera!

ROBIN: Holy turncoats, Batman! They’ve all gone from super friends to super foes!

BATMAN: It would seem so chum. Quickly, Robin… batarangs!

NARRATOR: SUDDENLY, FIRESTORM TURNS THE DYNAMIC DUO’S UTILITY BELTS TO SOAP BUBBLES!

ROBIN: Holy disarming, Batman! What do we do now?

BATMAN: Follow me, chum!

Batman and Robin jump past him and kick both Apache Chief and Samurai in the throat.

APACHE CHIEF: INECK- gugh!

SAMURAI: KASINAMO- NE-ackugh!

NARRATOR: UNABLE TO SAY THE WORDS FOR “GROW” OR “INVISIBLE MAN” IN THEIR NATIVE LANGUAGE, SAMURAI AND APACHE CHIEF FALL UNCONCIOUS TO THE FLOOR!

AQUAMAN: My ability to talk to sea creatures is useless in this situation!

EL DORADO: Indeed, Amigo.

El Dorado creates the illusion of a desert around Aquaman, causing him to pass out. Wonder Woman lassoes El Dorado, and it stops. Black Vulcan grabs the lasso.

BLACK VULCAN: Unfortunately for you, princess, gold is an excellent conductor of electricity.

Black Vulcan sends electricity down the rope, shocking both El Dorado and Wonder Woman. Black Vulcan looks down at the unconscious El Dorado.

BLACK VULCAN: Oops.

NARRATOR: BEFORE BLACK VULCAN CAN REACT, SUPERMAN USES HIS SUPER BREATH TO FREEZE THE MASTER OF LIGHTNING SOLID!

SUPERMAN: Too easy.

FIRESTORM: As easy as this?

Firestorm turns Superman’s cape to kryptonite.

SUPERMAN: Arrrgh!

ROBIN: Holy Kryptonite Cape, Batman!

BATMAN: Help Superman, Robin. I’ll take care of this youngster.

Batman walks up to Firestorm. Firestorm raises his hands to activate his powers.

FIRESTORM: Please… what are you gonna do? You have no powers! Why, I could turn your costume to uranium and kill you! Or turn the floor underneath you to tar! Or…

Batman simply punches him in the face. Firestorm falls to the floor, unconscious.

BATMAN: Sigh. When will this younger generation ever learn?

THE END

Some funny on a wednesday...

An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, "You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad."

The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, "What is it, Doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight."

"Well," says the doctor, "you have cancer and you have Alzheimers."

The man replies, "Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Some funny for a Monday... adultery edition

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Some funny on a saturday...

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Some funny on a thursday.... dirty joke time...

Two sperm are swimming in a women's body.

One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, just how far is the uterus anyway?"

The second sperm begins to laugh and says, "The uterus!? We just passed the esophagus."

Some funny on a tuesday...

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

Some funny on a sunday...

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went to a bar. The men at the bar wanted to know what he would like in a woman. He pointed to his head. His friend explained that he wanted a smart woman. Then, he rubbed his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend explained that he wanted a woman with money. Then, he opened his hands wide, bent his fingers, and made them cupped. He bounced them under his chest. His friend looked at him kinda wierd.

"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"

The Book Meme...

Lauren Tagged me for The Book Meme, and I never get tagged for anything anymore... so here we go:

Total number of books I’ve owned:

In my lifetime? Thousands, and that's not counting the comic books... Right now, my personal collection of books, cookbooks and comics numbers at about 600 or so (all of which I have read)... and when you consider that I threw/donated/sold/gave half of them away before I moved in with Silverfox in November, and I'm not counting the books owned by Silverfox and the kids... That's a lot of books, kids. I have a respectable personal library going on.

Last book I bought:
Anasani Boys by Neil Gaiman. Still haven't read it because I need to read American Gods first. No, wait... I had Silverfox buy me the Green Eggs and Ham Cookbook.

Last book I read:

Comic book/Graphic novel: The greatest Superman Stories ever told for the fifth time or so.

Children's book: I read Harold and the Purple Crayon to Short stuff last week.

Regular book: Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire- I'm slowly getting through the series.

Book I’m reading right now:

I am embarrassed to say that there is no book on my nightstand at the moment.

Five books that mean something to me:

Harold's ABC's- The first book I can remember reading by myself.

Raise the Titanic by Clive Cussler- My Dad gave me his paperback copy of this book so I would have something to read for a book report when I was ten. I loved it. It's responsible for my fascination with the sea and lost treasures. Mr Cussler- if you're ever in New Orleans, I would like to buy you a beer.

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams- taught me that Sci-Fi could be funny without being a parody of itself.

Kingdom Come by Alex Ross and Mark Waid- The first Graphic novel that I ever said "wow" out loud after reading it. It plays on the religious elements in the Superhero genre, and does it really well.

Batman: the Dark Night Returns by Frank Miller- Redefined the character of Batman for my generation. In my mind, he suddenly went from a campy do-gooder to a twisted psycho. This Graphic novel is the reason I wanted to become a writer... so I could tell stories that would effect people like this one did me.

Five books I think everyone should read at least once: (I added this one to the meme, as it seemed a little short on content)

The Bible- everyone should at least once. Belief in God aside, it is the basis for the bulk of western literature.

Childhood's End by Arthur C. Clarke- In my opinion, the best science fiction novel ever... and I don't say that easily.

The Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons- A benchmark in the idea of Graphic Novel as true literature. An incredible story. Try to read it before the movie comes out and ruins it's reputation.

The Princess Bride (the good parts version) by William Goldman- Forget the movie... the book is sooooo much cooler. And you, in turn, will seem soooooo much geekier...

Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes- About a Forrest Gump type that undergoes an experimental procedure to increase his intelligence. It will change the way you look at the mentally challenged in our society.

Five people that should answer these questions:

Silverfox, Stacey, Dave, Ducky, and Melinda

Some funny on a friday...

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, "Hey you look just like me!"

The other man agrees and asks, "Where are you from?"

The first guy answers, "Chicago."

"Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"

"Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.

"Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What's your address?"

''951."

"Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?"

"John and Cathy," says the first guy.

"Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we're related!?"

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.

"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."

I am so offended right now... I could give up TV forever.

Okay, I will admit that I did not see this particular stunt in advertising first hand, (read about it on TV Squad's blog) but I am offended none the less. We have all gotten used to the stupid promos that invade our favorite television shows, taking up more and more of the screen over the years, sometimes not allowing us to view crucial information or subtitles... I chalk it up to being the down side of living in our DVR/ DVD box set age.

It's all simple math, really... Advertisers want your money. To get that money, they need to get you their message. To get you that message, the networks need you to watch their other shows. They need to make sure that you know about said other shows to convince the advertisers that you will, in fact watch them.

TBS however, has crossed a very real line.

In the following clip, Bill Engvall steps onto the screen and pauses the show to deliver his pitch about his show.



Sure, it's only 2 seconds before commercial, but that really isn't the point. If this campaign is at all successful, what's to stop them from "pausing" your favorite show during the really intense, dramatic parts to pitch you something that will make your shirts whiter than white?

You know, it's totally unnecessary, too... I still watch commercials, even when I'm fast forwarding... if I see one that catches my eye, (a product I want, or something that looked clever in FF mode) I will invariably stop and watch it anyway. I suspect I am not alone in this.

Anyway, I think that if they continue to do this, or do it during something like pro wrestling, they will experience a backlash that will not only effect them, but the whole medium. We have other choices now, after all. Internet TV has less commercials and convenience going for it... plus, I have many friends that just wait for the whole season of their favorite show to come out on DVD, without ever watching it in "real time".

Bastards. When will they realize that I don't give a rat's bottom about "natural male enhancement", the latest A.P.R. on the new Prius, or some yuppies scarfing down sonic cheesburgers in a mini-van? If I want to shop, I can log onto ebay. Just get to entertaining me, damn you.

Okay, end of rant... but I would love to know what some of my readers think about this development.

Some funny on a wednesday...

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

Kahunah of cakes....

Silverfox's godson wanted a Spider-man cake for his birthday party, so we stepped up to the plate. Grand designs were made involving fondant, heartache and a serious lack of sleep.

At one point, I even had a dream that Stan "the man" Lee himself was admonishing me for not making the Spidey cake the "mighty marvel way". He went on to tell me that Steve Ditko never would have approved of our cake design because it lacked the grace and action that Spidey is known for. Fortunately, Stan was full of ideas, so I sat there with my sketch pad in the dream penciling out a few. The next morning, I asked Silverfox to indulge me while I tried to make a few of the better ones from my dream out of fondant. The results were disastrous.

Apparently, whichever side of my subconscious produced "Stan" has a lot to learn about the physics of Fondant.

After much ado, my sculpting skills and Silverfoxes mad cake-making skills produced the following cake:

Yes, it's a larger than life Spidey perched atop an office building over a city street. I sculpted Spidey, and the cars on the street. Originally, Silverfox and I had talked about having Spidey swinging between two office buildings, but were at a loss as to how much of the city around him we would have to build in that case. Still, the cake looked great... if only it had arrived at it's destination that way.

A hint for any aspiring cake makers: New Orleans streets+90 plus degree weather+butter cream icing= melted building and Spidey sidewalk pizza. Still tasted good though, and the kid was only two, so it's not like he's gonna remember it... Short Stuff's birthday is in another two weeks... he wants a Death Star cake.

Bring it.

A chip off the nerdy block...

Because Pint Size has been getting a lot of good coverage here lately, I thought I would give equal time to my other stepson-to-be, Short Stuff. After all, he is just as adorable as Pint Size, but in a completely different way...

Short Stuff is about to turn 6 in a few weeks, and wants a Star Wars birthday party. Silverfox and I are working on a Death Star cake, and having one of our friends in fandom come to the party dressed as his favorite bad guy, Darth Vader. It's just awesome that his favorite thing in the world right now is Star Wars, and I giggle every time we're playing with our toy lightsabers and he tries to use the force to choke me.

Even more awesome, however is the fact that he so easily embraces everything fannish. Case in point: The other night, we all watched The Princess Bride. He loved it... and was sitting next to me on my recliner asking all sorts of questions about the bad guys, the good guys, and the Rodents Of Unusual Size.

While at the pool the next day he came across a dead bug, which he brought over to show to me. I told him politely to get rid of it because it was dead. He grinned at me and said "Shows how much you know... it's only mostly dead."

I'm so proud.

Why banks suck...

For the first time in about two months, I checked my bank account on payday and had a positive bank balance. I breathed a sigh of relief that I would no longer have to rely on the kindness of strangers for gas money, and pulled the Buick up to my local bank branches ATM to withdraw my hard earned cash.

Upon putting in my bank card, I got an unusual response...

UNAUTHORIZED TRANSACTION. CONTACT YOUR BANK FOR DETAILS.

"Huh? For all intents and purposes, this box full of money is my bank" I thought to myself, reaching for my cell phone. So I called the bank... to be told that my access to my account has been restricted because of excessive overdraft fees.

"I know all about the overdraft fees..." I explained, "I've spent the past three weeks living a cash-free existence to pay them all back to your fine institution, but I would like my hard earned cash now, please. Please reactivate my card so we can all move on."

"I'm sorry, sir." The young woman said, "You have to go for six months with no overdrafts before we can issue another card."

"Lady, April Fools day was almost two months ago, and this isn't funny."

"I'm not joking, sir."

"But I was out of work for a month with pneumonia, Lady! Can't y'all cut me a break here? I have bills to pay!"

"I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to talk to a branch manager."

I hung up the phone and tried not to sob aloud. At 9:01 (they opened at 9) I was in the bank and sitting with a banker. I explained my case, and asked for an ATM card a little sooner than six months from now.

"The best we can do is three months sir." the Banker explained to me, "If you still have no more overdrafts in that period, then we can give you one."

"How am I supposed to pay my bills?"

"Well, you can still write checks, Mr. Cerio."

This struck me as the stupidest damn thing I had ever heard, and I felt obligated to point out that it was just as easy for me to overdraft my account with checks as with my Debit card.

"Well," She said, "It's hoped that by having your checkbook with you, it will encourage you to use the ledger we provide to keep better track of your bank balances."

I sighed, got up and wrote a check for cash so I could fill the gas tank of the Buick and left, disgusted. I worked out how much they charged me in overdraft fees, and it really pisses me off that I paid them all that money and they can't cut me some slack for being sick.

Overdraft fees accrued and paid in the past month: $352.00
Amount of work required from bank personnel to earn this money: None
Number of warning letters that the bank says they sent me: 3
Number that reached me but were unopened because I thought they were just another overdraft notice: 2
The look on my face when I realize that I'm taking it up the pooper without the benefit of KY: Priceless.

You ever get the feeling God is trying to tell you something?

So, I have this big revelation that I need to loose weight. I promise myself that I'm gonna cut back on the sweets, watch what I eat, and generally slim down.

What happens? Yesterday, my boss goes out and buys a bunch of apple fritters for everyone for breakfast, Janet brings in a chocolate Easter bunny that has been tempting her from the freezer for weeks, (not just chocolate, either... worlds finest chocolate!) my friend offers to buy me lunch and buys a giant tub of rugalah at Sam's club for the office to share, and my bosses son's girlfriend brings in a giant tray of brownies and cookies for all us hard working folks (meaning me and Janet, who's a diabetic) that are still warm and freaking gooey.

Chocolate chip cookies... brownies... rugalah... if there was a fantasy bakery somewhere that just catered to me, it would make a fine living just making those three items.

Then to top off my day, my future mother in law invites us over for a family dinner- southern style. Panneed pork chops, creamed potatoes, smothered peas and macaroni and cheese, while surrounded by Silverfoxes big uncles, who kept making fun of me for only eating one pork chop.

It's not fair, damn it.

A thank you and the "Before" Pictures...

I wanted to take the time to thank everyone I have heard from in the past few days concerning both my finally proposing to Silverfox and my sudden seriousness about losing my extra poundage. Everyone has been very positive and encouraging about both matters, and I thank you all for all the warm fuzzies. One of the funnier E-mails I got was from the "prodigal son" Fratnip, who realized that he only knows about Silverfox from my blog, and as such has no idea what her real name is.

Anyhow, the other e-mails were mostly about the weight loss, and inquiring about my plan for such.

Brouhahhah went so far as to issue his own "Not so celebrity fit club" challenge on his blog as a direct response to my post, but I regret to say that I ain't interested in turning it into a competition. There are two reasons for this... one, I'm way more likely to just give up if I think I'm in danger of losing (Italian pride is a very finicky thing) and Two, one of the terms of his challenge involves knowing your current weight, which I have no clue about, nor do I really feel is relevant to weight loss.

Some of you are scratching your heads... it's okay... allow me to explain. (No... is too much... allow me to sum up...). Scales aren't built with guys my size in mind. Even most doctors office scales top out at about 350 lbs. I easily weigh more than 390. Silverfox has a brand new digital scale that I refuse to get on because I couldn't bear to hear the sickening crunch of it breaking into a million little digital pieces. I would get one of those nifty talking ones from Brookstone, (which go up to 500 lbs I've been told) but I have this odd feeling that the guys who programmed it made it to say snarky things to people over 350lbs... like "one at a time folks" or "hey, not designed to weigh cows here!"

It's what I would do anyway...

So, as I was saying, my weight is largely irrelevant to me, and always has been. I will instead judge my progress by how I look and feel. This is how I looked last august:On the beach... lookin and feelin pretty good, but way tubby. This is me (and Pint Size) as of good friday, wearing basically the same clothes, still lookin good and feelin fine, if slightly more worried about Pint Size taking an unscheduled bath in his Granduncle's fish pond:Now maybe I'm deluding myself, but I think I look slightly thinner in the second photo... Which was taken after I had been living with Silverfox and the kids for a few months.

The difference? Physical activity. I went from a mostly vertical, sedentary lifestyle to having to walk up two flights of stairs every day and chasing Short Stuff around the playground. I've noticed this effect before, when I was ghost hunting on a regular basis (just before Katrina) I was in some of the best shape of my life then because I was walking up a huge flight of stairs 10 times a night, three nights a week. I even remember Stacey remarking how much thinner I looked when she picked me up from the train station when I evacuated for the storm.

I have never been on a diet that worked for me, but every time I have gotten more physical activity going, I have wound up looking and feeling better for it. I also recognize that there are minor changes in my eating habits which would have huge effects on my health, like cutting out soft drinks in favor of water.

In short, my plan for weight loss is simple and time honored: Eat less, exercise more. It's really just the smartest way to go. Furthermore, by not killing myself about my sticking to or not sticking to a diet, my mind will be free to concentrate on simply making smarter choices about what I eat.

Any questions?

The Order of Chaos?

In 1981, a legend made its way onto the silver screen. With a musical "DUM DUM DAH!" and a flash of red cape, Captain Chaos stole every scene of The Cannonball Run he was in, and with the scenes, he stole an eleven year old boy's imagination.

Victor had been a fat kid, (much like that eleven year old boy), and one day while being beat up by playground bullies, Captain Chaos appeared for the first time and beat the crap out of the evildoers. Victor genuinely believed in the superhero inside himself, that only came out when needed. It took many years, but eventually the eleven year old boy (now 37) emulated his hero. prepared to mete out justice at Mobicon 10:

Unexpectedly, he also picked up a sidekick that fateful evening, Catastrophe boy. The Mexican immigrant worker that Chaos had picked up in front of home depot proved a staunch ally in combating the forces of evil. The first appearance of Captain Chaos was such a success, that he also decided to appear at the next Coast Con where he met his first supervillian, Mistress Sinister. As you can see by the photo, it wasn't long before Mistress Sinister fell victim to the good Captain's charms as supervillianesses are often wont to do:And by the time Mobicon 11 rolled around, not only was the charming Captain Chaos in evidence:
But Mistress Sinister had come over to the side of justice as Mistress Chaos (seen here with the Corset of Righteousness):

Now there is talk of forming the Order of Chaos, (a contradiction in terms at best), which would be an entire fan group centered around HIM. This fan group would be dedicated to preserving the super-hero genre at conventions, Captain Chaos costuming, and there is even talk of a "So you want to be a super-hero?" style contest to be judged by members of the order.

I wonder if we'll have a secret handshake, or just yell "DUM DUH DUN!" at each other?

Because he is adorable:-)

Pint size refuses to give autographs.

The next party game to grace Casa Kahunah...

This weekend, Silverfox and I decided to use the 70 bucks in Best Buy coupons that were sent to us after she dropped her tax refund on our new entertainment system, and she picked up a new game that I predict now will be a huge hit at our next party.

Rockbandahaulics... are you ready for Singstar?

Now, understand me when I say I LOVE Rock Band. It is the coolest game ever, and they will pry my Fender Stratocaster controller from my cold dead hands when Guitar Hero 4 comes out. (the Guitar Hero 4 vs. Rock Band argument has become quite heated of late around Casa Kahunah) But having said that, I have noticed two problems with it...

One is that we always seem to have a lot of our friends that want to sing, but much fewer that want to pick up the guitar or drumsticks. Singstar is all song, and you can battle head to head with your friends or do duets.

Two, the selection of downloadable songs tends to leave me wanting. True, more come out every week, but when I saw all the fantastic songs available on Singstar my jaw dropped, and my hands reached for Silverfoxs credit card. They have a lot of the 80's songs Silverfox and I grew up on, and even better... while you sing, it shows the original music video for the song in the background.

Just the straight from the box game has a number of great songs on it, most notably "I wanna be sedated" by the Ramones (which I totally served Silverfox on! Go me.), "Summertime" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, "Suspicious Minds" by the King, and "All the small things" By Blink 182. As far as downloads go, I immediately and without running it past the woman I love downloaded "Just a Gigolo" by Diamond Dave. (anyone that has seen me do this in Karaoke knows why) With her input (and after much laughter), we downloaded songs by Culture Club, Cyndi Lauper, Duran Duran, and of course Billy Joel. We only stopped because the PS3 lost it's connection briefly.

I also noticed a couple of MC Hammer and Run DMC songs on there, which I would pay cash money to see my friends Mike or Ronnie sing.

So, when is everyone free?

My big fat greek post...

Today I feel I have officially turned a proverbial corner. I have decided for the first time in my life that I need to lose weight.

I know, another idle diet promise from a fat guy that takes great pride in being fat... but this time is different. As many of my friends will tell you, I kind of enjoy being fat. I also like tearing down the stereotype that you can't be fat and healthy... my recent bout with pneumonia aside, I am both... Furthermore, I feel that my size has always served the vital function of keeping shallow people at arms length, allowing me to develop more true friendships than most people will ever have the pleasure of having. I also really like the whole "fat and jolly" thing that most people associate with the overweight. I am fat. I am also jolly. A pretty good fit, all things considered. I have certainly never been ashamed of something that makes me... well, me.

So, what's changed? Let me tell you about my day...

Today was the first day of the Greek festival here in New Orleans. I look forward to getting my fix of Greek food every year, and have always had a good time doing it. This year me, Silverfox and Short Stuff decided to make a family outing of it.

There are a lot more kids activities to do at the Greek fest in recent years. They've added a few moon walks, a sand pit, face painting, a climbing wall, and several other things for families to do. One of these things is Canoeing on Bayou St. John.

I will admit that I haven't been in a canoe in years... not since college, at any rate... But I enjoy canoeing... I'm actually fairly good at it. I know how to steer one, what to do if you capsize, and how to get into one from the water. (thank you boy scouts) In short, while I may be a little rusty, I am probably a better canoer (sp?) than your average Joe shmoe off the street that has been mixing his Grappa and his Ouzu all day.

So, Silverfox and I decided that we would take Short Stuff for a ride out on the bayou. It didn't hurt that under the Filmore street bridge is a Geocache that is only accessible from the water... Silverfox was down with the idea on that basis alone. We had actually been planning for about a week to do this. Short Stuff was pretty psyched about it too, and he kept asking when we were going in the canoe from the moment I pulled up in front of the festival to the moment we walked up to the rental tent.

There were waivers that we had to sign, and we happily signed them. there were fees to be paid, and we happily paid them. We even borrowed plastic baggies to put our cell phones in, just in case. As I stepped forward in anticipation, I was approached by a gruff old man.

"I'm sorry, but I can't let you have a canoe." he said.

It took a second for me to realize what he said. "Huh?" I said, "why not?"

"I don't have a life jacket that will fit you." he said.

"Okay..." I replied, looking at the long adjusting straps on the life jackets, "I'm an excellent swimmer, and the bayou is only five feet deep at it's deepest, but I understand that you have liability issues. Can I at least try one on and we'll see?"

"No. I'm not giving you a canoe." He said.

"Look, I've been in a canoe before... I know what I'm doing."

"No." he said, getting a little nasty with his tone, "I've seen guys your size capsize too many times to let you in one of my canoes. Plus that, you'll break the seats. I don't want to deal with that."

I admit I was at a loss for words at this. Anyone who has ever been in a canoe knows that you don't actually sit on the seats in a canoe... you kneel on the hull and sort of lean against the seat, never putting you full weight on it.

"Excuse me?" I said.

"You're too heavy." he said, like that was what I wasn't understanding.

"First of all..." I said, trying to keep my tone civil, "You have no idea how much I weigh. Secondly, you're trying to tell me that I'm gonna capsize when you have no idea what my skill level is with this based solely on my size. Doesn't that strike you as a little bigoted?"

"Just give him his money back!" he barked at the kids working the table as he walked away.

I stood there for a moment as Silverfox took our money back, not really sure what to do. I thought for a moment about making a scene... but I realized that this guy was just being an ass and there was little I could do to change his mind. I mentally chalked it up to his stupidity and took a deep breath and walked away.

Then I saw Short Stuff's face. "We're not going on the canoe?" he said in a very small voice, with tears welling up in his eyes.

I had to explain to this child that it wasn't his fault, that he had been a very good boy, but it was my fault we weren't going on the canoe ride we had promised him.

Never again.

Mobicon highlights...

Last weekend, as many of you know, was Mobicon... and Friday found Silverfox and I transporting an elaborate Stargate prop for Area 504, who take their decorating way too seriously. The main reason that we were asked to transport this Stargate was not because it was about to overload and take half the world with it, but because our truck was one of the few owned by club members that was actually big enough to do the job... without even having to open a hyperspace window.

Okay... that reference was way geeky even for me. The drive was nice, if a little rainy. We passed the three hours with topics like "What do you think Short Stuff wants for his birthday?", "When are you gonna ask me to marry you, you jerk?" (my answer: "before the wedding."), "Do you think it's too early to teach Pint Size to swim?", "Damn, gas is expensive." and the ever popular "Should I pass this trailered boat on the port or on the starboard?"

It was worth the gas money though, because The Gate looked great when fully assembled:After arriving at the hotel, I pulled Silverfox aside and asked her to indulge my romantic side for a moment. I took her out to the hotel courtyard, where just a year before I first laid eyes on this incredible woman that would change my life forever, and explained to her just how much she means to me. I then pulled out the biggest ring I could find:and officially asked her to marry me. That's right... the entire time that she had been telling me in the car how I needed to hurry up and ask, I was quietly smirking to myself knowing that I was about to. There were tears... there was laughter... and it was the perfect moment. "Now I can have my bachelorette party, right?" she asked. I knew full well that she had rounded up a veritable posse of chickdom to come to the con with just that purpose in mind... and I also knew that people would want to see her ring, which is why it was important for me to pop the question before the party.

I would have actually done it weeks ago, but somehow proposing while wheezing in bed with pneumonia seems less than romantic. I admit I was pretty proud of myself every time she waved the ring (which she wore on her wrist most of the con) and said "Check out the size of the rock Rob got me!"

The Friday night was mostly uneventful, but I did get to network a little with a fellow paranormal researcher that was a guest at the con. I introduced myself and found out for the first time in my life that my fame had proceeded me. Apparently at the guest Meet and greet, someone had told him that I would be at the con, and he had to meet me. We sat there and talked shop until another con guest started bending spoons. I snickered and made Uri Geller jokes until my lovely but drunk fiance totally ruined this poor guy's game with "drunk logic":

Her: "If I can't see the spoon at all times, how can I tell for sure that you really bent it?"
Him:"The spoon is bent, isn't it?"
Her:"You could have switched spoons!"
Him:"When did you stop believing in Santa Claus?"
Her:"Irrelevant. show me that spoon, damn you!"

I know from my own studies that spoon bending is a load of crapola, but I really felt sorry for the poor guy.

Saturday was fun. The video gamers room had Rock Band, and at any given time it seemed like either Dave or I (or both) were in there playing. We went out as a group to dinner at Carrabas, which was awesome. Saturday night Captain Chaos and Catastrophe boy made an appearance:

And were completely overshadowed by Mistress Chaos (Silverfox lookin Superfoxy!) :And of course, her bevy of babeage... pictured below are Mrs Ringo and Itchygoya. I'll leave it to you to figure out which is which:I know... I know... the groom-to-be isn't supposed to interact with the bachelorette party... and he didn't. That's the ever dashing Captain Chaos, not me.

So, the ladies bought themselves a couple of slaves for the evening, who Mistress Chaos took great delight in completely humiliating through various points during the night... the funniest had to be when I walked past them and one slave was walking the other on a dog leash.

The whole charity slave auction was big fun on a bun this year, even if it did drag on for a bit. My buddy Mike came as a British admiral intent on catching pirates...and nearly caused me to pass out with laughter when he bought himself a slave. It was so out of character for the guy. here he is pictured with said slave: I later found out he sold her to another guy after getting a back rub. The cool thing is he didn't keep the money, but instead donated it all to the charity the slave auction was raising money for. Dude is a surprisingly class act.

The next day found me in the middle of a heated Risk game that was the stuff of legend. All I will say beyond that is that I adore my friends for all the laughter and fun they bring into my life.

Traffic on the way home wasn't bad with the exception of an accident caused by a shipwreck:
When we passed it, I smiled at Silverfox and said "He obviously didn't pass to starboard."

It was a great weekend.

Stone Knives and Bearskins

"I am endeavoring, ma'am, to construct a mnemonic circuit using stone knives and bearskins."- Mr. Spock, City on the Edge of Forever

Technology sucks.

To wit: This is a small representation of the absolutely brilliant marketing campaign I've come up with for the company a series of posters that we will give to our customers to advertise using our product with their customers, the contractors presently engaged in rebuilding our city...
Great, right? It conveys our commitment to the region while showing that we know our stuff, and asking that people think about buying locally. Anyway, the V.P. of sales loves it and wants to make up a bunch of full sized posters (22" x 28") to distribute to all of our customers by Wednesday.

"No problem!" I optimistically think to myself as I activate photoshop. "All I have to do is make a larger image, with better resolution, and turn it into a PDF file that our local Kinko's can turn into postery goodness.

HAH! How naive I was. I put it all together, asked the computer to turn it into a PDF, and the machine bogs down; processing my request for TWO HOURS only to tell me that it can't do it.

Computers suck. They suck hard.

Now, I know that there are friends of mine out there saying "But Rob, why didn't you just use Pagemaker to do it?" I did on the rough draft I gave to my boss to display in his office. the problem is that in incorporating the JOVAL logo and artwork into Pagemaker, I wind up with a little eggshell white box printed around the two logos because Pagemaker doesn't recognize transparencies in an image file.

Sometimes I long for the simplicity of a drafting board and glue stick.

The generation gap widens...

When you're sick for an extended period of time, things that are not yours find their way magically into your desk. As a result of this phenomenon, today I found myself using a wooden ruler since the first time since grade school.

It was one of the old school ones with a little strip of brass embedded into the edge to keep it straight... a curiosity in a world that has moved on to superhard plastics and ceramic composite drafting tools that never lose their edge no matter how many times you tap the desk in thought with them. I commented to my co-worker that they don't really make them like that anymore, which prompted the following exchange as I returned her ruler:

Me: Here's your antiquated ruler back...
Her: Antiquated? What do you mean?
Me: Well, it's tough to find them... most of the world has moved on to plastic.
Her: It's just a simple wooden ruler, Rob... you can buy them in any office supply store.
Me: Yeah, and you can buy two rocks to bang together in a garden store, but personally I'd rather use a lighter.

I suppose it's a good thing I didn't find a slide rule in my desk or my laughter would have put me in the hospital with a worse case of pleurisy than I already have.

So, Rob... How's the ex?

Still batty as a freaking bedbug, as evidenced by the following myspace bulletin posted by her sister:

On Saturday, me and my mom and my schizophrenic sister were driving home and then a drunk driver quickly drove in front of us! he was in a big truck with a Copeland boat connected to the back. My mom looked at him and said she was almost sure it was Al Copeland's son! Well we quickly stopped when the truck drove in front of us. My sister rolled down her window and yelled "SEX POT F@#KHEAD!" at him. This made him very mad, so he started trying to hit us with his boat by trying to back it into our car. Eventually we just backed up until the boat was no longer a threat and he eventually drove away. The entire time my mom and sister were dramatically screaming! After the incident, they started talking about philosophy and how Jesus spared our lives.

It was an exciting experience!

I'll bet. It's remembering "excitement" like this that still wakes me up in the middle of the night thanking god that I finally realized I needed to move on with my life. I've been struggling with whether I should tell the ex that I'm
about to get married again... but then I hear about things like this and I can't help but think that keeping her out of my life completely is the way to go. Maybe I'll just tell her sister, and let her tell her.

Inlaw Tech support

I'm on the road to recovery from the pneumonia I wound up with... the bad news is that I still had to miss almost three weeks of work. God willing, I should be able to go back next week.

Anyway, I'm riding to the doctors office the other day with Silverfox when she gets a call from her Mom, who wants to move her computer desk, but doesn't know if she can just unplug it and move it or not. She tells Silvermama that it should be fine, as long as she turns it off first. problem is, she's not sure how to do do that. Silverfox tells her to pull up the start menu and click on "turn computer off". Silvermama can't seem to do it.

Well, as amazing and talented as she is, Silverfox can't deal with this and drive without running us into a canal, so she hands me the phone.

Me: "Tech support..."
Her:"I'm looking at the screen and it's blank."
Me:"Is it on?"
Her:"I don't know."
Me: "push the switch on the base of the monitor."
Her:"A light came on. It's blue."
Me: "that's good. It should come right up."
Her:"Wait. it just turned orange. is that bad?"
Me:"No. it's just in standby mode. Move the mouse or hit a key on the keyboard and it should come up."
Her: "Does it matter which key?"
Me:"No. tap on any of them."
Her: "Nothing's happening."
Me: "Really?"
Her:"Just the orange light, sugar."
Me: "silvermama, look at the front of the CPU. are any lights on?"
Her:"The what?"
Me:"The tower under the desk. Is there a blue light on in front of it?"
Her:"No."
Me: (trying not to laugh) "your computer is already off. just unplug it if you want to move it."
Her:"It was already off?"
Me: "Yep."
Her: "Lord help me... I hate these machines."

I tell her it's alright and chuckle before hanging up the phone. Silverfox just looks at me and shakes her head before cracking up.

Some funny on a friday...

From the DOA management: We apologize for the dearth in posts, but Rob has been wrestling with pneumonia for the past week or so. He has assured us that regular posts will resume as soon as he can reach the keyboard without falling over. Now on to today's joke:

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

Today's inspirational poster...

Culinary pet peeves... (continued from yesterday)

I'll tell ya... there's only one thing worse than the one post you make in about a month glitching after it leaves the cell phone... when a dear friend takes the time to poke fun at you for it. (see the comments from yesterday's post)

Yes, I'm looking at you Lauren.

Anyway... to continue... I'm not what you call a refined diner. Beer and pizza suits me just as well as wine and tapas. I do know however, what I like and dislike about restaurants... even more so with restaurants I go to all the time. Generally, I enjoy a well prepared meal and passable service... I'm not one to send stuff back to the kitchen, but a poor meal will usually factor into whether I go to that particular place again. I also don't feel that I hold wait staff to some ideal... people in that profession have it pretty rough, and I try to remember that.

Then there are things that just piss me off. I've noticed that this happens more often when I'm not dining in, but getting something to bring home with me. Still, these are my pet peeves...

Pet peeve #1: When I go into an ethnic restaurant, and the person taking the order assumes that just because I can't pronounce the name of the dish correctly, that I have no idea what I'm ordering. It irritates me even more when I just order the number of the dish off the menu and they still question me with "You sure that's what you want? That's noodles, not rice." It's called "being worldly" toots, look it up when you get home and you'll see a picture of me. Now get off my case and fetch me my number 23 pronto before I start cursing in italian.

Pet peeve #2: When I order a meal for six people and they give me one fork. While I appreciate that someone of my carriage is often assumed to have an exceptional appetite, I am not going to eat six entrees and two appetizers by myself. Maybe I'm just being a little over sensitive, but this really insults me. I am a man, not an eating machine.

Pet peeve #3: When the person behind the counter insists I haven't ordered enough. "do you want fries with that?" is one thing... but when I order something without rice, noodles, or bread, who are you to tell me "You big man. you eat rice."? I used to go to this one Chinese place that did this to me constantly when I worked in the french quarter.

Pet peeve #4: When a waiter acts irritated when I ask what's in a dish, or for specifics about how it's prepared. I'm usually asking because I have food allergies and I'm embarrassed enough that I have to ask, so lose that freaking attitude. My Mom is allergic to soy and corn, so she has to do this all the time... I wonder how she deals with it.

Pet peeve #5: When I'm in the drive through and the person on the other end of the speaker says anything but "Welcome to (our fast food joint) may I take your order?" Anything else just confuses me, especially in the morning before I've had my coffee. There's a McD's not far from where I work where they say "What can I make for you this morning?" every time. No "Welcome." No "Good morning." Just some pain in the ass piece of homespun crapola that I have to get her to repeat twice before it registers in my head. GOD, THIS BUGS ME!!!! I was tempted to write to McDonalds and complain about it, but realized my opinions matter to McDonalds about as much as a field mouse matters to the President of the United States, which is to say not at all.

Okay. End of rant.

Culinary pet peeve #1.

When I go into an ethnic restaurant and the person taking my order assumes i have no idea wh

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