Some funny on a sunday...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Silverfox and the issue of slavery...

On the way to Coast Con a few months ago, I suggested to Silverfox that we should buy ourselves a slave from the annual charity slave auction. I was unsure how she would take it, (seeing as how part of the amazing multi-ethnic genetic makeup that makes my soul mate one of the most beautiful women in history is African-american), and I certainly didn’t want to offend any part of her.

“A slave?” She responded innocently, “I’ve never bought one before. What would we do with one?”

“Have them serve us drinks, for one…” I said, glad that she wasn’t about to kill me for suggesting it, “and we could make them dance with anyone who asks us to.”

“We can do that?” She said.

“Sure. We could even insist that they answer to another name for the night.” I said, “Like Chim-Chim or something.”

“Chim-Chim! Dance for the man!” She said, clapping and laughing.

We wound up buying two slaves the next day, but released them both early as there was no bar at the Coast Con dance, so we had little for them to do. I could tell that Silverfox really enjoyed it when I told both slaves to refer to her as “mistress” for the entire evening.

Turns out she enjoyed it a bit too much.

At Mobicon, she was ready with a dog collar and whip for her slaves. It was innocent enough, I figured, as she needed a servant for her bachlorette party. But She bought two, and made one walk the other. I have a feeling that they’re lucky she didn’t think to bring one of those royal litters that they carried Cleopatra around on.

Now, she buys up all of our friends on MySpace with the “Own Your Friends” application, and "brands" them with the label of "Silverfox's Posse". I constantly buy them back and liberate them, but I’m running out of the imaginary money to do so. The other day I pointed out to her the ethical and moral implications of all this, and was told flatly that she can trade in human flesh if she wants to.

I believe I have created a monster.

Now, I should probably mention here that in stark contrast to this, Silverfox is nobody's servant. She is as fiery and independent a woman as I have ever known. Her likely response if I were to order her to do something would normally be to laugh in my face. Except in one place... Her mom's house.

For some reason, when she is at her Mom's, her mother insists that she wait on me hand and foot, which she does. She gets me drinks, brings me food, and makes sure I'm comfortable. When I joke about it, she glares at me and her mom starts going on about how "she wasn't raised to give you attitude like that, Rob. I Don't know where she gets that from." Which makes me laugh even more. I once asked her how she could suddenly be so subservient around her Mom, but nowhere else and she replied, "Because I would never hear the end of it from her. It's a southern thing, Rob"

Maybe I just need to create a MySpace app that will act like her Mom :)

Some funny on a friday...

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Challenge of the Super Friends...

Over on the TV Squad blog, they’ve been reviewing the old Super Friends cartoons during the summer, seeing as how there is little to review on TV right now. Normally, I just skim over these entries, taking my little trip down nostalga lane for a few minutes, and then getting on with my life.

However, today’s entry was a bit of a sticking point for me… it postulated that many of the multi-ethnic heroes and also-rans added later in the show (Specifically, Samurai, Apache Chief, Black Vulcan, El Dorado, and Firestorm) were way more powerful than the original Super Friends (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman) and thusly should have been running the show at the Hall of Justice. His explanation is fairly simple… in a smack down, the original four (five, if you count Robin) have very few powers between them, and a tremendous weakness or two. (i.e. kryptonite and being away from water for about an hour)

I hate to say it, but I would tend to agree with the commentator, were it not for one thing…

Batman.

Sure, the Batman in the Super Friends is a far cry from the brooding creature of the night in the Bruce Timmeverse, but he’s still a tactical genius, and one of the baddest hand-to-hand fighters on the planet earth. The blogger in question seems to think that if you take away the utility belts, Batman and Robin are simply helpless.

Au Contrare, mon ami. A Batman (any Batman) without his gadgets is even more dangerous because he is then forced to use his most powerful weapon… his brain.

Methinks it would go down something like this…

INT- HALL OF JUSTICE- DAY

Samurai, Apache Chief, Black Vulcan and El Dorado are sitting around the Hall of Justice water cooler one day, when Firestorm walks in.

BLACK VULCAN: I’m telling you guys… all of us new members are just the tokens around here. The only reason they let us into this group of theirs is affirmative action! They’ve reduced us and our cultures to stereotypes!

EL DORADO: Madre de Dios, Black Vulcan! You’re right!

APACHE CHIEF: Ease off on the Spanish, kimo sabe. It’s just what they want you to do.

Apache Chief slaps himself for doing the same thing.

FIRESTORM: Whoa guys…that isn’t true. What about me?

SAMURAI: Do you see any other teenagers around here, Firestorm?

FIRESTORM: Well, there’s The wonder twins… and Robin.

SAMURAI: I meant straight teenagers. Robin doesn’t count. He’s been Batman’s sidekick since the 50’s.

BLACK VULCAN: Yeah. Dude must be at least 60 by now.

APACHE CHIEF: So, what do we do?

BLACK VULCAN: We take em out! Show Superhonky and the whitebread squad how we do things in the ghetto.

APACHE CHIEF: Dude, now you’re doing it.

BLACK VULCAN: Damn.

NARRATOR: AT THAT MOMENT, SUPERHONK… I MEAN SUPERMAN, WONDER WOMAN, BATMAN, ROBIN AND AQUAMAN RETURN FROM SAVING THE WORLD ONCE MORE.

BLACK VULCAN: Get em, guys!

Black Vulcan fires a lightning bolt at Superman, doing exactly squat.

SUPERMAN: What is the meaning of this?

SAMURAI: We’ve had it working as your token minorities!

Samurai hurls a whirlwind at Wonder Woman, making her spin.

WONDER WOMAN: Great Hera!

ROBIN: Holy turncoats, Batman! They’ve all gone from super friends to super foes!

BATMAN: It would seem so chum. Quickly, Robin… batarangs!

NARRATOR: SUDDENLY, FIRESTORM TURNS THE DYNAMIC DUO’S UTILITY BELTS TO SOAP BUBBLES!

ROBIN: Holy disarming, Batman! What do we do now?

BATMAN: Follow me, chum!

Batman and Robin jump past him and kick both Apache Chief and Samurai in the throat.

APACHE CHIEF: INECK- gugh!

SAMURAI: KASINAMO- NE-ackugh!

NARRATOR: UNABLE TO SAY THE WORDS FOR “GROW” OR “INVISIBLE MAN” IN THEIR NATIVE LANGUAGE, SAMURAI AND APACHE CHIEF FALL UNCONCIOUS TO THE FLOOR!

AQUAMAN: My ability to talk to sea creatures is useless in this situation!

EL DORADO: Indeed, Amigo.

El Dorado creates the illusion of a desert around Aquaman, causing him to pass out. Wonder Woman lassoes El Dorado, and it stops. Black Vulcan grabs the lasso.

BLACK VULCAN: Unfortunately for you, princess, gold is an excellent conductor of electricity.

Black Vulcan sends electricity down the rope, shocking both El Dorado and Wonder Woman. Black Vulcan looks down at the unconscious El Dorado.

BLACK VULCAN: Oops.

NARRATOR: BEFORE BLACK VULCAN CAN REACT, SUPERMAN USES HIS SUPER BREATH TO FREEZE THE MASTER OF LIGHTNING SOLID!

SUPERMAN: Too easy.

FIRESTORM: As easy as this?

Firestorm turns Superman’s cape to kryptonite.

SUPERMAN: Arrrgh!

ROBIN: Holy Kryptonite Cape, Batman!

BATMAN: Help Superman, Robin. I’ll take care of this youngster.

Batman walks up to Firestorm. Firestorm raises his hands to activate his powers.

FIRESTORM: Please… what are you gonna do? You have no powers! Why, I could turn your costume to uranium and kill you! Or turn the floor underneath you to tar! Or…

Batman simply punches him in the face. Firestorm falls to the floor, unconscious.

BATMAN: Sigh. When will this younger generation ever learn?

THE END

Some funny on a wednesday...

An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, "You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad."

The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, "What is it, Doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight."

"Well," says the doctor, "you have cancer and you have Alzheimers."

The man replies, "Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Some funny for a Monday... adultery edition

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Some funny on a saturday...

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Some funny on a thursday.... dirty joke time...

Two sperm are swimming in a women's body.

One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, just how far is the uterus anyway?"

The second sperm begins to laugh and says, "The uterus!? We just passed the esophagus."

Some funny on a tuesday...

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

Some funny on a sunday...

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went to a bar. The men at the bar wanted to know what he would like in a woman. He pointed to his head. His friend explained that he wanted a smart woman. Then, he rubbed his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend explained that he wanted a woman with money. Then, he opened his hands wide, bent his fingers, and made them cupped. He bounced them under his chest. His friend looked at him kinda wierd.

"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"

The Book Meme...

Lauren Tagged me for The Book Meme, and I never get tagged for anything anymore... so here we go:

Total number of books I’ve owned:

In my lifetime? Thousands, and that's not counting the comic books... Right now, my personal collection of books, cookbooks and comics numbers at about 600 or so (all of which I have read)... and when you consider that I threw/donated/sold/gave half of them away before I moved in with Silverfox in November, and I'm not counting the books owned by Silverfox and the kids... That's a lot of books, kids. I have a respectable personal library going on.

Last book I bought:
Anasani Boys by Neil Gaiman. Still haven't read it because I need to read American Gods first. No, wait... I had Silverfox buy me the Green Eggs and Ham Cookbook.

Last book I read:

Comic book/Graphic novel: The greatest Superman Stories ever told for the fifth time or so.

Children's book: I read Harold and the Purple Crayon to Short stuff last week.

Regular book: Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire- I'm slowly getting through the series.

Book I’m reading right now:

I am embarrassed to say that there is no book on my nightstand at the moment.

Five books that mean something to me:

Harold's ABC's- The first book I can remember reading by myself.

Raise the Titanic by Clive Cussler- My Dad gave me his paperback copy of this book so I would have something to read for a book report when I was ten. I loved it. It's responsible for my fascination with the sea and lost treasures. Mr Cussler- if you're ever in New Orleans, I would like to buy you a beer.

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams- taught me that Sci-Fi could be funny without being a parody of itself.

Kingdom Come by Alex Ross and Mark Waid- The first Graphic novel that I ever said "wow" out loud after reading it. It plays on the religious elements in the Superhero genre, and does it really well.

Batman: the Dark Night Returns by Frank Miller- Redefined the character of Batman for my generation. In my mind, he suddenly went from a campy do-gooder to a twisted psycho. This Graphic novel is the reason I wanted to become a writer... so I could tell stories that would effect people like this one did me.

Five books I think everyone should read at least once: (I added this one to the meme, as it seemed a little short on content)

The Bible- everyone should at least once. Belief in God aside, it is the basis for the bulk of western literature.

Childhood's End by Arthur C. Clarke- In my opinion, the best science fiction novel ever... and I don't say that easily.

The Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons- A benchmark in the idea of Graphic Novel as true literature. An incredible story. Try to read it before the movie comes out and ruins it's reputation.

The Princess Bride (the good parts version) by William Goldman- Forget the movie... the book is sooooo much cooler. And you, in turn, will seem soooooo much geekier...

Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes- About a Forrest Gump type that undergoes an experimental procedure to increase his intelligence. It will change the way you look at the mentally challenged in our society.

Five people that should answer these questions:

Silverfox, Stacey, Dave, Ducky, and Melinda

Some funny on a friday...

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, "Hey you look just like me!"

The other man agrees and asks, "Where are you from?"

The first guy answers, "Chicago."

"Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"

"Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.

"Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What's your address?"

''951."

"Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?"

"John and Cathy," says the first guy.

"Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we're related!?"

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.

"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."

I am so offended right now... I could give up TV forever.

Okay, I will admit that I did not see this particular stunt in advertising first hand, (read about it on TV Squad's blog) but I am offended none the less. We have all gotten used to the stupid promos that invade our favorite television shows, taking up more and more of the screen over the years, sometimes not allowing us to view crucial information or subtitles... I chalk it up to being the down side of living in our DVR/ DVD box set age.

It's all simple math, really... Advertisers want your money. To get that money, they need to get you their message. To get you that message, the networks need you to watch their other shows. They need to make sure that you know about said other shows to convince the advertisers that you will, in fact watch them.

TBS however, has crossed a very real line.

In the following clip, Bill Engvall steps onto the screen and pauses the show to deliver his pitch about his show.



Sure, it's only 2 seconds before commercial, but that really isn't the point. If this campaign is at all successful, what's to stop them from "pausing" your favorite show during the really intense, dramatic parts to pitch you something that will make your shirts whiter than white?

You know, it's totally unnecessary, too... I still watch commercials, even when I'm fast forwarding... if I see one that catches my eye, (a product I want, or something that looked clever in FF mode) I will invariably stop and watch it anyway. I suspect I am not alone in this.

Anyway, I think that if they continue to do this, or do it during something like pro wrestling, they will experience a backlash that will not only effect them, but the whole medium. We have other choices now, after all. Internet TV has less commercials and convenience going for it... plus, I have many friends that just wait for the whole season of their favorite show to come out on DVD, without ever watching it in "real time".

Bastards. When will they realize that I don't give a rat's bottom about "natural male enhancement", the latest A.P.R. on the new Prius, or some yuppies scarfing down sonic cheesburgers in a mini-van? If I want to shop, I can log onto ebay. Just get to entertaining me, damn you.

Okay, end of rant... but I would love to know what some of my readers think about this development.

Some funny on a wednesday...

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

Kahunah of cakes....

Silverfox's godson wanted a Spider-man cake for his birthday party, so we stepped up to the plate. Grand designs were made involving fondant, heartache and a serious lack of sleep.

At one point, I even had a dream that Stan "the man" Lee himself was admonishing me for not making the Spidey cake the "mighty marvel way". He went on to tell me that Steve Ditko never would have approved of our cake design because it lacked the grace and action that Spidey is known for. Fortunately, Stan was full of ideas, so I sat there with my sketch pad in the dream penciling out a few. The next morning, I asked Silverfox to indulge me while I tried to make a few of the better ones from my dream out of fondant. The results were disastrous.

Apparently, whichever side of my subconscious produced "Stan" has a lot to learn about the physics of Fondant.

After much ado, my sculpting skills and Silverfoxes mad cake-making skills produced the following cake:

Yes, it's a larger than life Spidey perched atop an office building over a city street. I sculpted Spidey, and the cars on the street. Originally, Silverfox and I had talked about having Spidey swinging between two office buildings, but were at a loss as to how much of the city around him we would have to build in that case. Still, the cake looked great... if only it had arrived at it's destination that way.

A hint for any aspiring cake makers: New Orleans streets+90 plus degree weather+butter cream icing= melted building and Spidey sidewalk pizza. Still tasted good though, and the kid was only two, so it's not like he's gonna remember it... Short Stuff's birthday is in another two weeks... he wants a Death Star cake.

Bring it.

A chip off the nerdy block...

Because Pint Size has been getting a lot of good coverage here lately, I thought I would give equal time to my other stepson-to-be, Short Stuff. After all, he is just as adorable as Pint Size, but in a completely different way...

Short Stuff is about to turn 6 in a few weeks, and wants a Star Wars birthday party. Silverfox and I are working on a Death Star cake, and having one of our friends in fandom come to the party dressed as his favorite bad guy, Darth Vader. It's just awesome that his favorite thing in the world right now is Star Wars, and I giggle every time we're playing with our toy lightsabers and he tries to use the force to choke me.

Even more awesome, however is the fact that he so easily embraces everything fannish. Case in point: The other night, we all watched The Princess Bride. He loved it... and was sitting next to me on my recliner asking all sorts of questions about the bad guys, the good guys, and the Rodents Of Unusual Size.

While at the pool the next day he came across a dead bug, which he brought over to show to me. I told him politely to get rid of it because it was dead. He grinned at me and said "Shows how much you know... it's only mostly dead."

I'm so proud.

Why banks suck...

For the first time in about two months, I checked my bank account on payday and had a positive bank balance. I breathed a sigh of relief that I would no longer have to rely on the kindness of strangers for gas money, and pulled the Buick up to my local bank branches ATM to withdraw my hard earned cash.

Upon putting in my bank card, I got an unusual response...

UNAUTHORIZED TRANSACTION. CONTACT YOUR BANK FOR DETAILS.

"Huh? For all intents and purposes, this box full of money is my bank" I thought to myself, reaching for my cell phone. So I called the bank... to be told that my access to my account has been restricted because of excessive overdraft fees.

"I know all about the overdraft fees..." I explained, "I've spent the past three weeks living a cash-free existence to pay them all back to your fine institution, but I would like my hard earned cash now, please. Please reactivate my card so we can all move on."

"I'm sorry, sir." The young woman said, "You have to go for six months with no overdrafts before we can issue another card."

"Lady, April Fools day was almost two months ago, and this isn't funny."

"I'm not joking, sir."

"But I was out of work for a month with pneumonia, Lady! Can't y'all cut me a break here? I have bills to pay!"

"I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to talk to a branch manager."

I hung up the phone and tried not to sob aloud. At 9:01 (they opened at 9) I was in the bank and sitting with a banker. I explained my case, and asked for an ATM card a little sooner than six months from now.

"The best we can do is three months sir." the Banker explained to me, "If you still have no more overdrafts in that period, then we can give you one."

"How am I supposed to pay my bills?"

"Well, you can still write checks, Mr. Cerio."

This struck me as the stupidest damn thing I had ever heard, and I felt obligated to point out that it was just as easy for me to overdraft my account with checks as with my Debit card.

"Well," She said, "It's hoped that by having your checkbook with you, it will encourage you to use the ledger we provide to keep better track of your bank balances."

I sighed, got up and wrote a check for cash so I could fill the gas tank of the Buick and left, disgusted. I worked out how much they charged me in overdraft fees, and it really pisses me off that I paid them all that money and they can't cut me some slack for being sick.

Overdraft fees accrued and paid in the past month: $352.00
Amount of work required from bank personnel to earn this money: None
Number of warning letters that the bank says they sent me: 3
Number that reached me but were unopened because I thought they were just another overdraft notice: 2
The look on my face when I realize that I'm taking it up the pooper without the benefit of KY: Priceless.

You ever get the feeling God is trying to tell you something?

So, I have this big revelation that I need to loose weight. I promise myself that I'm gonna cut back on the sweets, watch what I eat, and generally slim down.

What happens? Yesterday, my boss goes out and buys a bunch of apple fritters for everyone for breakfast, Janet brings in a chocolate Easter bunny that has been tempting her from the freezer for weeks, (not just chocolate, either... worlds finest chocolate!) my friend offers to buy me lunch and buys a giant tub of rugalah at Sam's club for the office to share, and my bosses son's girlfriend brings in a giant tray of brownies and cookies for all us hard working folks (meaning me and Janet, who's a diabetic) that are still warm and freaking gooey.

Chocolate chip cookies... brownies... rugalah... if there was a fantasy bakery somewhere that just catered to me, it would make a fine living just making those three items.

Then to top off my day, my future mother in law invites us over for a family dinner- southern style. Panneed pork chops, creamed potatoes, smothered peas and macaroni and cheese, while surrounded by Silverfoxes big uncles, who kept making fun of me for only eating one pork chop.

It's not fair, damn it.

A thank you and the "Before" Pictures...

I wanted to take the time to thank everyone I have heard from in the past few days concerning both my finally proposing to Silverfox and my sudden seriousness about losing my extra poundage. Everyone has been very positive and encouraging about both matters, and I thank you all for all the warm fuzzies. One of the funnier E-mails I got was from the "prodigal son" Fratnip, who realized that he only knows about Silverfox from my blog, and as such has no idea what her real name is.

Anyhow, the other e-mails were mostly about the weight loss, and inquiring about my plan for such.

Brouhahhah went so far as to issue his own "Not so celebrity fit club" challenge on his blog as a direct response to my post, but I regret to say that I ain't interested in turning it into a competition. There are two reasons for this... one, I'm way more likely to just give up if I think I'm in danger of losing (Italian pride is a very finicky thing) and Two, one of the terms of his challenge involves knowing your current weight, which I have no clue about, nor do I really feel is relevant to weight loss.

Some of you are scratching your heads... it's okay... allow me to explain. (No... is too much... allow me to sum up...). Scales aren't built with guys my size in mind. Even most doctors office scales top out at about 350 lbs. I easily weigh more than 390. Silverfox has a brand new digital scale that I refuse to get on because I couldn't bear to hear the sickening crunch of it breaking into a million little digital pieces. I would get one of those nifty talking ones from Brookstone, (which go up to 500 lbs I've been told) but I have this odd feeling that the guys who programmed it made it to say snarky things to people over 350lbs... like "one at a time folks" or "hey, not designed to weigh cows here!"

It's what I would do anyway...

So, as I was saying, my weight is largely irrelevant to me, and always has been. I will instead judge my progress by how I look and feel. This is how I looked last august:On the beach... lookin and feelin pretty good, but way tubby. This is me (and Pint Size) as of good friday, wearing basically the same clothes, still lookin good and feelin fine, if slightly more worried about Pint Size taking an unscheduled bath in his Granduncle's fish pond:Now maybe I'm deluding myself, but I think I look slightly thinner in the second photo... Which was taken after I had been living with Silverfox and the kids for a few months.

The difference? Physical activity. I went from a mostly vertical, sedentary lifestyle to having to walk up two flights of stairs every day and chasing Short Stuff around the playground. I've noticed this effect before, when I was ghost hunting on a regular basis (just before Katrina) I was in some of the best shape of my life then because I was walking up a huge flight of stairs 10 times a night, three nights a week. I even remember Stacey remarking how much thinner I looked when she picked me up from the train station when I evacuated for the storm.

I have never been on a diet that worked for me, but every time I have gotten more physical activity going, I have wound up looking and feeling better for it. I also recognize that there are minor changes in my eating habits which would have huge effects on my health, like cutting out soft drinks in favor of water.

In short, my plan for weight loss is simple and time honored: Eat less, exercise more. It's really just the smartest way to go. Furthermore, by not killing myself about my sticking to or not sticking to a diet, my mind will be free to concentrate on simply making smarter choices about what I eat.

Any questions?

The Order of Chaos?

In 1981, a legend made its way onto the silver screen. With a musical "DUM DUM DAH!" and a flash of red cape, Captain Chaos stole every scene of The Cannonball Run he was in, and with the scenes, he stole an eleven year old boy's imagination.

Victor had been a fat kid, (much like that eleven year old boy), and one day while being beat up by playground bullies, Captain Chaos appeared for the first time and beat the crap out of the evildoers. Victor genuinely believed in the superhero inside himself, that only came out when needed. It took many years, but eventually the eleven year old boy (now 37) emulated his hero. prepared to mete out justice at Mobicon 10:

Unexpectedly, he also picked up a sidekick that fateful evening, Catastrophe boy. The Mexican immigrant worker that Chaos had picked up in front of home depot proved a staunch ally in combating the forces of evil. The first appearance of Captain Chaos was such a success, that he also decided to appear at the next Coast Con where he met his first supervillian, Mistress Sinister. As you can see by the photo, it wasn't long before Mistress Sinister fell victim to the good Captain's charms as supervillianesses are often wont to do:And by the time Mobicon 11 rolled around, not only was the charming Captain Chaos in evidence:
But Mistress Sinister had come over to the side of justice as Mistress Chaos (seen here with the Corset of Righteousness):

Now there is talk of forming the Order of Chaos, (a contradiction in terms at best), which would be an entire fan group centered around HIM. This fan group would be dedicated to preserving the super-hero genre at conventions, Captain Chaos costuming, and there is even talk of a "So you want to be a super-hero?" style contest to be judged by members of the order.

I wonder if we'll have a secret handshake, or just yell "DUM DUH DUN!" at each other?