Hmmm....

As many of you know, Mobicon is coming up, and Dave and I were kicking around the idea of a Cannonball Run themed room party. The original plan was to rent an RV and park it in the hotel parking lot for the occasion, but then the ever amazing Dizzy managed to book me a room in the hotel (after I had been assured by the front desk guy that there were no rooms available that weekend, not no way, not no how. Dizzy continues to amaze me.) Eliminating our need for the RV. I still want a clever excuse to go ahead and make that Captain Chaos hood and cape I've always wanted though... all seemed lost. Then I came across this on the amazing thing we call the internet:

The Cannonball Run drinking game.

Whenever the sheik's intro music is played - 1 drink

Whenever the Japanese music is played (to introduce Jackie Chan) - 1 drink

Whenever the James Bond movie comes on (to introduce Roger Moore) - 1 drink

Anytime the Doctor's music comes on (the Doctor in the back of the ambulance) - 1 drink

Anytime JJ (Burt Reynolds) does his famous laugh - 1 drink

Whenever Dom Deluise mentions "him" or "he" referring to Captain Chaos - 1 drink.

If Captain Chaos appears - 2 drinks, and the players must sing "Dunh, Dunh, Daaaah!"

Whenever any girl driver lowers her shirt zipper - 1 drink for each girl that does it

Whenever Farrah Fawcett talks about trees - 1 drink

When JJ speaks like Donald Duck - 2 drinks

When Mel Tillis and Terry Bradshaw drive their car into the pool - 1 drink

Anytime Burt Reynolds slaps Dom Deluise (this includes during the closing credits) =- 1 drink per slap

Any car spins out - 1 drink per car

Anytime the Sheik pays someone - 1 drink

Anytime Mel Tillis stutters:

    If Mel Tillis finally gets the correct word out - 1 more drink

    If he has to change is word - 2 drinks

Anytime Mel Tillis and Terry Bradshaw say, are holding or refer to a "Bud" or a "Beer" - 1 drink

Anytime Dean Martin appears with a drink - 1 drink

Anytime the Doctor sprays or injects his needle - 1 drink

Anytime Sammy Davis says "turkeys" - 1 drink

Anytime the 2 Cannonballers on the motorcycle are shown doing Wheelies - 1 drink

Anytime that both Burt Reynolds and Dom Deluise say "Foyt" - 1 drink

Anytime someone is pulled over by a cop - 1 drink

Anytime a new woman appears with Roger Moore in his car - 1 drink

Anytime that Roger Moore stops a woman from pressing a button in the car. - 1 drink.   If the woman presses the button - 2 drinks

When Dom Deluise sings the Dr. Pepper theme - 2 drinks

Anytime you can see Farrah Fawcett's nipples through her shirt - 1 drink

Anytime the Black guy in the pickup truck does an impersonation - 1 drink

When the Lone Ranger theme comes on - 1 drink

During the closing credit bloopers anytime the clicker is clicked - 1 drink.

So, now I'm thinking that we could develop a special drink for shots during this game, call it "the Cannonball Rum" and make up flyers inviting as many people as we can to it, and proceed to rock the hizzy. (Whatever the hell that means) Who's in?

Among the top ten ways to test Rob for a heart attack...

Number 4 has to be a woman I was 'intimate' with a few months ago sending me an e-mail with "BABY NEWS!!!!!" in the subject line.

Not that I have ever been 'intimate' without taking precautions... but like it says on the back of every box of condoms, these things are only effective 99.97% of the time. That .03% is just enough to get my heart racing like FloJo for the gold. Turns out she was just real proud to be an Aunt. (phew)

This has been a busy month... apparently with the coming of spring, the life of your average southern oaf (In this case, the species is Oafus Southus Kahunus) kicks into high gear. Ringo's nuptuals (we here at DOA wish him and his new Bride all the best) brought with it a flurry of activity... Tuxedo fittings, Bachelor party/fishing trips, rehersal dinner, the ceremony, the reception, etc... Add to all that the fact that right smack in the middle of this was Coast Con, a few birthdays that required my attention, and a nasty bout with the flu... well, it makes for one tired Kahunah.

Meme Monday, but on a tuesday

Tagged by Stacey, whose kid will be making appearences in the next few Dogs of Atlantis comics provided I can circumvent some (if not all) of the child labor laws.

People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly! In the end, you need to choose 3 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment on their blog that says they have been tagged and tell them to read your blog. Unless of course, that seems way too much like work.

Six weird things about yours truly:

1) That I find it really hard to come up with six weird things about myself. I mean, I am acknowledged in most quarters as a fairly weird person, but to me these things all seem normal. Does that seem weird?

2) I have an inner monologue that narrates my existence. For instance, after my alarm went off this morning it went something like this: “I woke up this morning, a little shocked that I couldn’t force the alarm clock to explode through sheer force of will. Seeing as how the day had no intention of letting me sleep till noon, I got up and dragged the bulk of my body to the shower.” Or when over the weekend, I ran into a pretty girl who recognized me at a sci-fi convention: “I half-heartedly glanced around the room, not really caring what the presenter had to say about his topic, when I saw a smile that could light up a room. She grinned at me coyly, saying hello with just her eyes. I imagined for a moment what it would be like to run away with her to a distant tropical island before I noticed that she was pushing a stroller full of kids wearing pointed ears.”

3) I chuckle after almost everything I say (usually because I think it’s funny… which it almost never is)

4) Despite being recognized as an open, life-of-the-party type, I consider myself to be the biggest introvert I know, (particularly in situations that I should be entirely comfortable with) to the point where I exclude myself from many parties and gatherings by finding a good place to hide. Okay, maybe that isn’t so much weird as a quirk of my personality, but it sure makes me feel weird.

5) I have a tendency when watching a movie to accurately predict plot elements before they happen. This drives Dizzy nuts. For example, in the Transporter , there is a scene where the Driver is given a large duffel bag to deliver.

Me: There’s a person in that bag.

Dizzy: What?

Me: There’s a person in that bag. Probably a hot chick.

Three minutes later, he opens the bag, and there’s indeed an attractive woman inside.

Dizzy: Damn you.

Later, there is a scene where the Driver’s employer hands him a non-descript briefcase and asks him to deliver it.

Me: There’s a bomb in that briefcase. He’s trying to kill the driver.

Dizzy: How could you possibly know that?

Me: I dunno. Just do.

Five minutes later: BOOM!

Dizzy: Will you stop doing that? And wipe that smirk of your face!

6) I talk in my sleep… to the point where I have had full, intelligent conversations with the others while sleeping. It disturbs me a little that the ex-wife used to exploit this particular backdoor to my subconscious to find out how I ‘really’ felt about certain things. After she came clean and admitted to doing this, she promised me she never would do it again, but I’ve always wondered just what else I may have said to her over the years.

Now, by the power invested in me by the blogger that tagged me for this, I hereby tag:

Dave
Melinda
Dreamwalker

Some Tuesday humor...

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

Fun with pictures of friend's kids...

Damn, Stacey... time to get Ace to lay off the Mocha Frappachinos!

The list just got a little longer...

As many of you know, I am a pop culture and sci-fi fanboy. Like most people that describe themselves as such, I have a list of movies that I feel were I in charge would have been so much better than the tripe hollywood normally shoves down our throat. If I ever wind up with a few million to spend, I may just go and re-make them.

My big pet peeve though, is "adaptations" or the slightly trendier term "re-imaginings".

It's not that I think that the filmmakers somehow set out to make a bad movie, it's just that in most cases it's pretty obvious that the screenwriters and directors of these films have no (if any) filmiliarity with the source material or a firm concept of what made the source material brilliant.

Cases in point (From my list):
Superman Returns (I've thought a lot about this... Bryan Singer let the film fan in him supercede the comic fan. God willing, Sam Rami will never make the same mistake.)
Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes (Which I actually loved... but it totally lacked the hard hitting 'should humanity even be allowed to survive' angst which was at the heart of the original)
The Hulk (Bruce Banner is a tourtured enough soul without having been abused as a child by papa.)
The original "Punisher" Movie (do I need a comment here?)
Batman Forever (warning sign: when the director does an interview saying with a streight face that "Batman shouldn't be dark... who decided that he needs to be all gritty? Whatever happened to the Batusi, anyway?")
The Godzilla movie with Matthew Broderick (Which would have been a great monster movie if someone had told the cast that it wasn't a comedy.)

So, now that MTV has reported that the guys writing the new Star Trek movie see it as a 're-imagining of the franchise' I'm more than a little nervous.

A snippet of conversation...

Last night while having dinner with Ronnie and Ducky, I ran into an aquaintence and his wife. They happened to be seated at the table next to ours, and would occasionally lean over to engage me in conversation.

They were drinking and having a good time, when I notice that they've started arguing... although I prayed to all the major deities not to involve me in whatever it was, they leaned over anyway.

"Rob, can I ask your opinion about something?" The guy says.

"Uh... sure" I say.

"How do you feel about gay marriage?" She says.

"Um... well... it's a complicated issue..."

"But it's okay for two chicks to marry, right?" the guy says.

"Yeah..." I say warily, "I don't see a problem with it."

"SEE?" The guy shouts, "Gay marriage is fine if it's two chicks! But no one wants to see two guys get married."

"Wait a second... I didn't say that."

"Plus that," The guy continues, convinced he's winning this argument of theirs, "It's against a man's nature to get married to begin with! There should be no problem about dudes getting hitched, because guys wouldn't willingly marry someone to begin with."

This logic boggles my mind for a moment, but I manage to recover my senses long enough to politely excuse myself by talking with Ronnie about VooDoo football.

sheesh. Some people amaze me. I couldn't make up stuff like this if I tried.

Mission Impressable: 2

The older I get, the more I realize that there are many situations in which no matter what one says or does, it is simply impossible to pick up a member of the fairer sex. Case in point:

Yesterday after work, in preparation for Ringo’s bachelor party, I went to an “adult exotic novelty” store to pick up a few essentials for the party. (Said essentials are not the point of this entry, but for those that are curious it was just a deck of cards. I looked for the ‘fat clowns and elderly midgets’ porn DVDs suggested by a friend that shall remain ‘nameless’* but thankfully came up empty.)

For those of you that have never been in such a place, there’s usually shelf after shelf of Porn on the walls, and whatever space (if any) is left in the store usually is occupied by “pleasuring devices”** and assorted bachelor/bachelorette party gear. In this particular shop however, the ratio was different than others I’ve seen, more like 20% porn to 80% ‘devices’*** . So here I am, wandering this place, surrounded by ‘devices’ that would make a male elephant jealous, all of which apparently come in every color of the rainbow and a few that aren’t in any rainbow I’ve ever seen.

I’m trying really hard not to laugh at the absurdity of my situation (just trying to buy a freaking deck of playing cards, here!) when I get approached by a saleswoman.

Before I continue, let me say that finding a woman working in such a place is rarer than finding a gangsta rapper at a Yanni concert.

So I turn around at the sound of a pleasant female voice to see an extremely attractive woman in her late 20’s smiling at me. I immediately giggle a little, which I’m sure wasn’t at all creepy, what with me literally surrounded by thousands of rubber representations of human genitalia and all… so I (stammering) tell her what I’m looking for (the aforementioned cards) and why.

To my surprise, she smiles. “Sounds like a pretty lame bachelor party if you need novelty cards.”

“Great. Now I’m surrounded by phalluses and I’m lame. What a great first impression.”, My brain says to me.

“Yeah, I know… my friends can be a little prudish at times.”, I say.

“Well, you could hire a stripper or something…”

Dude, she’s cute and totally striking up a conversation with you! Say something cool! My brain says.

“A little outside of my price range.” I say, “Plus that, they made me take an oath on my Star Wars action figures that I wouldn’t hire one.”

Way to go, Prince Charming. Now you’re creepy, lame, poor, a slave to your friends will, and you probably live in your parents’ basement. Say something quick to recover!

“But I am bringing Duct Tape.” (insert nervous chuckle)

You know, I would have placed money on the fact that you couldn’t have said anything to make this worse…

Obviously fighting that fight or flight instinct, she rolls her eyes and says “Always a good time with Duct Tape.”

Don’t do it. Don’t say anything! Just shut up now!

“That’s what I’ve been saying for years.”

At this point, she finds the cards. “Well, hopefully you’ll be able to get them to loosen up a bit.”

But then why would you be bringing duct tape? God, this girl is an idiot! Wait! No! Don’t you dare say that!

“But then why would I be bringing Duct Tape?” I say.

She mercifully smiles and walks away, telling me to feel free to ask if I need anything else.

Let’s see… do y’all happen to sell dignity?

Footnotes:

*Nameless, but rhymes with rave.

**this is the third draft of this article, and that’s the ‘cleanest’ term I could come up with to describe the dazzling array of items in question

****uh, not that I’m some kind of expert on these places… I swear I only go into them for bachelor party related stuff.

Oh, this just keeps getting better and better...

As you all know, I’ve been following the Geico Cavemen story with a keen interest. Okay, so it’s not so much a keen interest as it is that strange sort of glee you get when watching two speeding locomotives careening out of control toward each other on a single track.

(As an aside, my Dad and I did a computer simulation of two speeding bullet trains running into each other on his Microsoft Train Simulator the last time I visited him, and it was freaking awesome!)

So anyway, I came upon the following extremely disturbing bits of related news…

While reading this story about how the Cavemen’s creator managed to get the opportunity to make a pilot based on the characters, I noticed that it’s mentioned that Burger King is working on bringing that King with the creepy smile from their commercials into a feature film. The more I let this twist in my brain, the more it horrifies me.

A fairly legit blogger (if there truly is such a thing) is reporting that the creator of the Cavemen says the new show isn’t going to be a sitcom at all, but instead a drama focusing on intolerance and prejudice in our modern society. NBC, according to the source, apparently passed on it because they already have enough successful dramas in their line-up… but ABC is always looking for the next big drama and so greenlighted the pilot. I’ll just let that sink in for everyone out there before I continue…

Still conscious? Okay then…

I’m beginning to think that this whole Geico Cavemen show thing is just an elaborate hoax to grow the brand. If it was April 1^st, I’d be positive.

HMMMM....devilish idea forming...

I was goofing off at work (as usual) and came across this clip on youtube. I was facinated by this whole non-newtonian liquid in action...



So, it got me to thinking.... I'm going to a lake in mississippi on a fishing trip with my buddies this weekend... I wonder what the corn starch/water ratio has to be to get this trick of physics to work? Furthermore, would it kill all the fish in the lake? Morally, should said fish be sacrificed just so I can get some footage of Dave running across said lake to put on YouTube? If said fish lived, would they be ticked off because Dave is running past on their roof?

Seriously, though... if any of my physics inclined readers have any idea about the ratio involved, I'd love to know.

Try this one on for size....

Let's see just how much of a geek we are, shall we? I'm thinking of a work of fiction...

- It has a Blonde male hero named Luke, and a dark haired hero that's something of a ladies man.
- These guys are running from the law most of the time.
- It has a dark haired heroine that looks great in a bikini.
- Luke lives on a farm with his uncle
- There's a wise old bearded man with gray hair that despenses sage advice.
- Our heroes are constantly chased by bad guys, but always get away because the good guys vehicle is so much cooler than the bad guys vehicles.
- There's a rowdy bar in town.
- There's an odd incest thing going on between the male and female lead.


Now, quick... am I talking about Star Wars or The Dukes of Hazzard?

I wish this was a joke...

Okay... first some jerks in hollywood start producing a re-make of a porn movie, and this week I come across this.

Don't get me wrong... I don't begrudge anyone some success with their characters, but when the Geico cavemen get their own show, it makes me wonder why I bother to write original, funny screenplays at all. What kind of buisness am I trying to break into, here?

It's a Monday, and its time for some funny on a Monday...

The DOA Management would like to apologize in advance to certain parties for today's joke. This is the way it was told to us, and any similarity between this joke and any persons, living or dead, is just freaking hysterical.

It was Saturday morning and Drew (an avid hunter) woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Stacey, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Drew asks her, "What are you up to?" Stacey smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" Drew, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Drew sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Drew walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Stacey couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Drew starts running back. As Drew gets closer to her stand, he hears Stacey screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Drew races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Drew is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

Finally, a reality show I can get behind (wink, wink... nudge, nudge)

WARNING: This blog entry may not be suitable for children. Parental discretion is advised.

Yes, it's true... Apparently they're going to remake Debbie does Dallas. But what I found really intriguing about this article is that they're going to have a reality t.v. show contest (a'la America's Next Top Model) to choose the star of the upcoming remake.

Yes, sometimes the comedy gods are generous. I'll spare you the obvious jokes about how low our society has sunk if the most creative thing a person can do is re-make a porn flick... and intead go with the obvious jokes about what they should call this Pseudo-reality-porn show they're putting out:

Possible alternate titles for Debbie does Dallas... Again:

America's Next Top Whore
You're the One That I Want... to bone
The Naked Girls Next Door to The Girls Next Door
F#@$!%g with the Stars
Survivor-Ron Jeremy
Fear of AIDS Factor

And to think, those are the least offensive ones that I thought of. Imagine if I wasn't bound by the self imposed decency of my own good taste.

Of course, I'm also more than a little curious what kind of "elimination challenges" they're going to have... how does one test for that special something that makes a porn star a porn superstar? I mean, with guys I would imagine a simple ruler would do the trick... but with women?