Man vs halloween.

Part of the package with silverfox is her two kids, short stuff and pint size. I am still adjusting to the new role as stepdad, but realized tonight that this whole Dad thing has its perks... Tonight, for the first time in twenty-five years, I got to go trick or treating. :)

Now I'm absolutely exhausted. How do these kids manage to do it?

Some Halloween humor

Sorry about all the jokes this week... but this weekend is the big move to my (and Silverfox, plus the two kids) new digs out in Kenner, and I've been a little preoccupied. On the bright side, Moving always makes for great blog material... in the meantime an old joke, but still funny...

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice girl he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romp.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Some Tuesday humor...

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

A couple of lawbreaking jokes for funny on a Monday...

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

Not even a snicker? well, how about this one...

This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire.

When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.

Buy my stamp you will, Hmmm?

And send Christmas cards to friends you will... For strong with the force you are. Rain, snow, dead of night... these things mean nothing to a Jedi. The post office is my ally, and a powerful ally it is.

I could go on all day like that, but if you'd like to read the article about the above stamp, click here.

Mail or mail not... There is no try. Judge me by my stamp, do you? Link us together, the mail does... you to me, to the tree to the rock, to the ship.

Yeah... gonna be a long day.

Building my wild self...

Culled from Reasonably Prudent Poet's blog... of course, I did have to add the beard and stubble in photoshop, but it was still pretty cool.

Build your own "wild self" here

It also came with the following information about my animal parts:

Bison horns - Your bison horns, unlike deer and elk antlers, are made of a substance similar to hair. They are also slow-growing and permanent. They grow in yearly "rings" which indicate age. (In short, I have a rocking hairdo that can smite my enemies)

Western lowland gorilla arms - Ready to take a walk…on your hands? Your western lowland gorilla arms are so long, you'll be able to support yourself on your knuckles. (this is different from the way I am now how exactly?)

African lion legs - Your African lion legs are extremely powerful and have long, retractable claws to help you bring down prey. Careful not to poke your eye out with those things! (or my friend's eye, I would imagine)

Chilean flamingo wings - Your Chilean flamingo wings have dark feathers on their underside. Males use them in courtship displays by flapping their wings to make black flashes that attract the ladies. Ooh la la! (again, this is different from the way I am now how?)

It's a meme wednesday!

How much of a yankee are you? Take the test!

I scored "49% Dixie. Barely in Yankeedom."

(sigh) I guess you can take the boy outta New York...

Some funny on a tuesday...

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down...

And when it's both it gets me bloggin! There was some localized flooding today... so much so that I had to move the buick to higher ground. it was parked right behind the van in this picture, but closer to the wall:
when I got to it, the water was above my ankles, and an inch away from the passenger door. I would have taken a picture of the Buick, but I was too busy panicking. The last thing I need is a flooded car... so instead I took a picture of Janet's car:
Which she, being a smart cookie as well, also decided to move to high ground. (notice the wake that the tires left... that was some deep water!)
According to the National Weather service, we can expect at least four more inches of rain before the end of today. Boy, am I glad that the Condo me, Silverfox and the kids are getting is on the second floor.

it's a meme thursday...

Hmmm... I dunno If I agree with this one. Particularly since I was just a hare's breath from being Ginny.

Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Harry Potter You can be a little reckless and hot-headed at times, but a more brave and courageous friend would be hard to find. Harry Potter 85% Ginny Weasley 70% Albus Dumbledore 70% Hermione Granger 65% Ron Weasley 65% Remus Lupin 65% Sirius Black 55% Draco Malfoy 35% Severus Snape 25% Lord Voldemort 5%

Some Wednesday humor...

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

Some funny on a tuesday...

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

Man vs.House

From the DOA management: It has been decided that in light of recent developments, a partial rescinding of the prime directive is in order. Henceforth, our main correspondent will be allowed to mention his love life here on these pages as long as two conditions are met:

1) Said anecdotes do not paint his significant other in a bad light or make her look stupid and/or like a chimpanzee trying to defuse an a-bomb.

2) Said anecdotes do not provide "Too Much Information" (also known as the "bedroom antics" clause). After all, we here at DOA doubt that our audience really wants to know what they were doing last weekend with the rented backhoe, 300 gallons of shucked oysters, and a large Panda named 'Phil'.

Sometime over the last few months we've been dating, Silverfox found out that I'm a complete chicken with a few things... Regular readers of this blog know that I hate mice, for instance... but a little known fact is that I also hate being startled in the name of entertainment. I am the guy at the movie theatre that has his hands over his eyes just as Freddy Kruger is about to disembowel someone and turn their entrails into a bass guitar. I also hate the distinctly southern phenomena that crops up around Halloween known as the "haunted house". For those of you unfamiliar with the things, think of a darkride that you have to walk through. It's pitch black, filled with actors in costumes trying to scare the bejesus out of you.

Actors that love nothing more than play "scare the piss out of the fat guy".

As a result, I have never been to one. To say I avoid them like the plague does not do justice to my love of the "Black Death" and it's place in European history. Silverfox however, loves the darn things and considers herself a bit of a spook house aficionado. Determined to get me to go to one, she told her 12 year old niece that "if you can get Rob to agree to go, we'll take you."

Hell hath no fury like a pouty pre-teen.

So, I agreed, on the sole condition that I could pick the one we went to. I of course, pick the one that sounded the least scary, and had been assured was safe for kids. Little kids. Little kids with heart conditions and issues with clowns. The problem was that I myself was still petrified. As me, Silverfox and DaNiece approached Blaine Kern's Mardi Gras World haunted house, my feet turned to clay. I heard screams. I saw strobes. I looked around at really creepy mardi gras statues, their horrid, vacant fiberglass eyes boring a root canal into my soul.

Okay, maybe it wasn't quite that bad, but it certainly creeped me the heck out. I stood in place as Silverfox and DaNiece tugged at my arms, refusing to go. Silverfox got in my face and screamed at me, "ROB! You were a freaking ghostbuster and you can't handle this!?!"

This snapped me out of it long enough for them to get me into line in front of the place. Creepy music played. A fairly ugly guy in a worn Tux entertained the crowd by acting quite psychotic, and I wondered for a moment if he might be related to my ex-wife. (doubtful, but it is a small city) While we waited, A man creeped up behind DaNiece and scared the heck out of her just by standing there.

"Okay." I admitted, "that was pretty awesome. I need to give this a chance" The Guy in the tux adressed us as we got to the front of the line with a really creepy "You're with me, fat man." Silverfox got all up in his grill, though and growled "No. He's with ME!" She winked at me, saying "see? I won't let any of the scary people hurt you, Rob" in the same tone she would use with her five-year old.

I'm still not real sure if that was funny or not.

With dramatic Music blaring, we three who were about to be condemned to the deepest pits of hell (the tux dude's words, not mine... I'm rarely that melodramatic) entered the place. DaNiece clutched onto Silverfox's back, burying her face in her shoulder and refusing to open her eyes. Silverfox, the fearless, sexy vixen that she is, led the way at a brisk pace.

Leaving me behind at the first turn.

"SILVER!" I screamed, trying not to sound like the lone ranger, "WAIT FOR ME!" long nanoseconds passed before I heard her sultry voice in the darkness say quietly "I'm right here you big baby. Grab on to DaNiece."

So I did. DaNiece predictably screemd at the top of her lungs, causing Silverfox to scream in pain at her eardrums being blasted, causing me to scream and grab DaNiece causing...

Well, you get the idea. It was a vicious circle of sound. Silverfox finally yelled "Will you two get a grip?" getting us to calm down. A group of 5 year olds then skipped by, happy as can be, and I felt the shame a man feels when he realizes that he's about as brave as a pack of girl scouts at crystal lake.

So, we continued on into the darkness, entering a Mirror maze. I enjoyed this because it was fairly well lit, and the mirrors allowed me to see what was waiting for us around each corner. I relaxed my grip on DaNiece just as we again wandered into blackness, and I lost them again. I screamed again, "Silver, wait up!!!!" She screamed back "I can't! The man ahead is telling me to follow the light!" I was agahst.

"NO! Don't go into the light, Silver!" I yelled. I swear I heard her sigh. I suddenly bumped into DaNiece, causing her to scream, causing...

Well, I went into that a few paragraphs ago. This time add a scary clown that wouldn't let Silverfox pass. If you thought she got into the grill of the dude with the Tux... with a teenager-sized 120lb trembling backpack and 300 plus pounds of large, scared Italian boyfriend following her, she was in no mood to be trifled with. She just stared at the Clown and impatiently yelled "WELL?"

The Clown, like any circus performer faced with a lion, did what any reasonable man would do... he got the hell out of the way.

The rest of the place was mostly filled with clever optical illusions, with the exception of a dark room with cobwebs that freaked me out. As I was screaming, Silverfox yelled that it was just fishing line hanging from the ceiling. I yelled back that the fact that it was fishing line did not help me in the slightest, nor did it make it any less not cool.

We finally entered into the final room... the main den at Blaine Kern's where they have all the really BIG floats and statues. I could hear a smoke machine hissing nearby over the creepy music. A strobe light flashed, providing the room's only illumination. Large, creepy figures loomed around us as we navigated through toward the exit. At times, i could not even tell we were moving. It was like every bad dream about Mardi Gras World I have ever had rolled into one. Finally, we were outside.

Silverfox and DaNeice started laughing. "That was great!" "I wasn't scared at all" I heard them bantering over my pulse pounding in my ears. I looked at the two of them, obviously white as a sheet, and they both started cracking up.

I only really calmed down when I realized I was laughing too.

Funny on a Thursday, but first a word from the management...

From the DOA management:

As many of you have noticed, there has been a surprising lack of posts to this blog in recent weeks. We would like to apologize for this as the fault lies squarely on our broad, handsome, shoulders. You see, the lack of posts is directly related to Dogs Of Atlantis content directive 001, also known to regular readers of these pages as the Prime Directive. As our main protagonist's life has slowly intertwined with a young woman we will henseforth refer to as Silverfox, (cause her hair has streaks of silver, and she's a fox, natch...) the humorous slice of life anecdotes that this blog is known for become harder to write without breaking Directive 001.

We here at Dogs of Atlantis like to think that we are unopposed to change, because for the most part, it is a good thing. (Unless of course it involves happy, swimming puppies suddenly changing into distressed drowning puppies, or someone trying to pay the tab at a fancy restaurant with nothing but Nickels, Dimes, and Quarters) As such, we are in the process of reviewing our publishing policies with the intent of altering them to allow for the changes in Rob's lifestyle. We will of course keep you apprised.

Now for some Funny on a Thursday:

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

Some funny on a tuesday...

An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everything they see.

They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.

They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind her.

The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.

The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father."

I thought about updating my blog...

But then decided not to.

Just for the record...

I hate being sick. I've been stuck in bed with a chest cold for the better part of the weeke

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