A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Some funny on a thursday....
Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The ultimate collection...
Over on the TV squad blog, there was an interesting post about Television Props... As a memorabilia collector, what are the the top ten items from TV you would like to have in your personal collection? The original author had a few clever ones, like the ottoman that Dick Van Dyke trips over at the beginning of the Dick Van Dyke Show, The ring Tom Magnum wears, and Tom Servo. It got me thinking about my own list though, and I thought I'd share it here. Keep in mind, we're talking the real prop, not a replica...
The Photo of Mel Torme from Harry's Office on Night Court. Or the armadillo he keeps on the shelf.
Murphy Brown's dart board. Each week she had someone else's face on it... I would just put Dan Quale.
Archie Bunker's Chair. with permission of the Smithsonian, of course...
Norm's Bar Stool from Cheers. If only to see how well my butt print compares to George Wendt.
K.I.T.T.'s steering column. I would say the whole car, but that would attract way too much attention.
The Nomad space probe from Star Trek. I know... of all the Trek stuff I could wish for, why that? because it would look great next to:
A Dalek from Doctor Who. And then they could fight... I can hear it now...
Dalek: "You are inferior!"
Nomad: "You are imperfect!"
Dalek: "EXTERMINATE!!"
Nomad: "STERILIZE!!!"
and so on... It would be like a fanboy tastes great/less filling commercial without all the fat, sweaty guys. I give 4-1 odds on Nomad. But I digress...back to the topic...
The palm trees and dinosaurs Wash keeps on the dashboard of Serenity. Cause they are just so freaking cool.
A bottle of Vitameatavegimin. Still my favorite Lucy routine.
The Radio from Gilligan's Island. But I think the guy who played the professor grabbed that one.
The Bat-bulletproof shield. The one gadget I can remember Adam West pulling from the utility belt that made sense to me.
So, what's in your collection?
The Photo of Mel Torme from Harry's Office on Night Court. Or the armadillo he keeps on the shelf.
Murphy Brown's dart board. Each week she had someone else's face on it... I would just put Dan Quale.
Archie Bunker's Chair. with permission of the Smithsonian, of course...
Norm's Bar Stool from Cheers. If only to see how well my butt print compares to George Wendt.
K.I.T.T.'s steering column. I would say the whole car, but that would attract way too much attention.
The Nomad space probe from Star Trek. I know... of all the Trek stuff I could wish for, why that? because it would look great next to:
A Dalek from Doctor Who. And then they could fight... I can hear it now...
Dalek: "You are inferior!"
Nomad: "You are imperfect!"
Dalek: "EXTERMINATE!!"
Nomad: "STERILIZE!!!"
and so on... It would be like a fanboy tastes great/less filling commercial without all the fat, sweaty guys. I give 4-1 odds on Nomad. But I digress...back to the topic...
The palm trees and dinosaurs Wash keeps on the dashboard of Serenity. Cause they are just so freaking cool.
A bottle of Vitameatavegimin. Still my favorite Lucy routine.
The Radio from Gilligan's Island. But I think the guy who played the professor grabbed that one.
The Bat-bulletproof shield. The one gadget I can remember Adam West pulling from the utility belt that made sense to me.
So, what's in your collection?
Monday, August 27, 2007
Pub crawl re-tread...
You know, as I stumbled haphazardly from "The Bar" to "The Boom-Boom Bar" During the Area 504 Fat city Pub Crawl, the idea that I could do a live photo blog from my cell phone popped into my head. I mean, I had already promised to provide New Girlfriend with regular updates about the debauchery, so it seemed like a brilliant idea to just copy my blog about it.
Of course, the problem is that camera phones take extremely dark pictures, and my usually elegant prose and metaphors apparently break down when I'm tipsy like a Canoe full of drunk boy scouts. Maybe Live blogging just isn't for me... maybe it's just not for me when I'm drunk...in any event, here are the photoshoped-to-be-brighter pictures and better descriptions:
After dinner at Crazy Johnnies and A drink or two at "The Bar" we wound up at the Boom-Boom... Here's Amy delighting in my misery as she tells Sandi, Rebecca and Raymond about me and the Assless Chaps. (Long story... I do not own any, nor do I ever intend to... but Amy thinks the concept of me in a pair is hysterical)
Next on the list was Pat's Pub, a bar of note primarily for it's blaring Heavy metal music and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer on tap for $1.50 a mug. (and worth every penny) here, we see my empty mug. The bartender was kind enough to hold a flashlight over it for the right lighting :)
Sandi, A.J. and Amy playing pool at our next stop, the Whisky bar. I love the lighting in this shot... but it came out blurry because by the time I took it I was on my 6th or 7th beer...
Raymond insisted that we couldn't leave the Whisky Bar without one of us getting up to do Karaoke (which I have been informed by those wiser than I means 'bad singing' in Japanese) I got up and did my best rendition of "I'm just a Gigolo". Amy said I started out like Louis Prima, but ended up all Diamond Dave. The photo of me representing in my Area 504 bowling shirt was taken for me by the very pregnant Charlotte, who was out drinking all the soft drinks she could in honor of Baby's first pub crawl... Watching her get on and off bar stools was extremely entertaining as the evening progressed. Before we left, the Bartender/owner and the DJ said that we were welcome back any time.
Raymond and Rebecca at Sweets 'again' (our next stop) in the VIP area. I believe when I snapped this, she was saying "We should have a meeting here!" We were invited back by this bartender as well, for their weekly Monday night football party once the season starts.
From there, we went to Cheers, (where they still don't know my name) and I took a few drunken moments to delete some pictures from my phone... I then willingly and knowingly broke this blog's Prime Directive, and posted this picture of Me and New Girlfriend. This violation was primarily because she wasn't in attendance, and I missed her. I believe I got kinda mushy about it too... Don't like it? Tough. I'm in love.
I then took this picture (my favorite of the night) of the remaining group of Area 504 members gathered around a table at Cheers. I think it speaks for itself. Shortly after it was taken, we took a vote and wound up back at the Whisky Bar. I had wanted to sing another song, but as I began to sober up for the inevitable drive home, I decided against it. Some of the folks that had shown up were obviously Karaoke ringers, and were way better than I would be. Overall, It was a fun night of camaraderie and laughter, although Our beloved 504 Captain did express her disappointment that she wasn't three sheets to the wind by the time 2am rolled around... Raymond and I simply smiled and complimented her on her pacing. As I headed off for home, Rebecca, Raymond and the drunken Fin stumbled off to Uncle Larry's in hopes of yet more fun and adventure.
Me, I'm content to wait till the next pub crawl.
Of course, the problem is that camera phones take extremely dark pictures, and my usually elegant prose and metaphors apparently break down when I'm tipsy like a Canoe full of drunk boy scouts. Maybe Live blogging just isn't for me... maybe it's just not for me when I'm drunk...in any event, here are the photoshoped-to-be-brighter pictures and better descriptions:
After dinner at Crazy Johnnies and A drink or two at "The Bar" we wound up at the Boom-Boom... Here's Amy delighting in my misery as she tells Sandi, Rebecca and Raymond about me and the Assless Chaps. (Long story... I do not own any, nor do I ever intend to... but Amy thinks the concept of me in a pair is hysterical)
Next on the list was Pat's Pub, a bar of note primarily for it's blaring Heavy metal music and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer on tap for $1.50 a mug. (and worth every penny) here, we see my empty mug. The bartender was kind enough to hold a flashlight over it for the right lighting :)
Sandi, A.J. and Amy playing pool at our next stop, the Whisky bar. I love the lighting in this shot... but it came out blurry because by the time I took it I was on my 6th or 7th beer...
Raymond insisted that we couldn't leave the Whisky Bar without one of us getting up to do Karaoke (which I have been informed by those wiser than I means 'bad singing' in Japanese) I got up and did my best rendition of "I'm just a Gigolo". Amy said I started out like Louis Prima, but ended up all Diamond Dave. The photo of me representing in my Area 504 bowling shirt was taken for me by the very pregnant Charlotte, who was out drinking all the soft drinks she could in honor of Baby's first pub crawl... Watching her get on and off bar stools was extremely entertaining as the evening progressed. Before we left, the Bartender/owner and the DJ said that we were welcome back any time.
Raymond and Rebecca at Sweets 'again' (our next stop) in the VIP area. I believe when I snapped this, she was saying "We should have a meeting here!" We were invited back by this bartender as well, for their weekly Monday night football party once the season starts.
From there, we went to Cheers, (where they still don't know my name) and I took a few drunken moments to delete some pictures from my phone... I then willingly and knowingly broke this blog's Prime Directive, and posted this picture of Me and New Girlfriend. This violation was primarily because she wasn't in attendance, and I missed her. I believe I got kinda mushy about it too... Don't like it? Tough. I'm in love.
I then took this picture (my favorite of the night) of the remaining group of Area 504 members gathered around a table at Cheers. I think it speaks for itself. Shortly after it was taken, we took a vote and wound up back at the Whisky Bar. I had wanted to sing another song, but as I began to sober up for the inevitable drive home, I decided against it. Some of the folks that had shown up were obviously Karaoke ringers, and were way better than I would be. Overall, It was a fun night of camaraderie and laughter, although Our beloved 504 Captain did express her disappointment that she wasn't three sheets to the wind by the time 2am rolled around... Raymond and I simply smiled and complimented her on her pacing. As I headed off for home, Rebecca, Raymond and the drunken Fin stumbled off to Uncle Larry's in hopes of yet more fun and adventure.Me, I'm content to wait till the next pub crawl.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Live (kinda) from the pub crawl.
Live from the 504 pub crawl
Live from the 504 pub crawl
Live from the 504 pub crawl
Live from the 504 pub crawl
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Sweeet.
You have a 61% chance of being abducted You have an above average chance of being abducted. You are into thinking about conspiracies and thinking for yourself � keep it up. But avoid going into the woods by yourself late at night. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com |
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Fine, but where do I buy the textbook?
Warning: possible violation of the prime directive ahead.
So, I'm having dinner with New Girlfriend and her kids, when her oldest (5 years old) looks up at me with big wide eyes and says, "Rob, you need to be my new Dad."
I look over at New Girlfriend and she's grinning from ear to ear. He doesn't take too everyone, apparently. I look down at him and say politely, "But you already have a Dad, kiddo. He's way more qualified than I am."
He thinks about this for a second, then says "Well, then you need to take lessons."
So, I'm having dinner with New Girlfriend and her kids, when her oldest (5 years old) looks up at me with big wide eyes and says, "Rob, you need to be my new Dad."
I look over at New Girlfriend and she's grinning from ear to ear. He doesn't take too everyone, apparently. I look down at him and say politely, "But you already have a Dad, kiddo. He's way more qualified than I am."
He thinks about this for a second, then says "Well, then you need to take lessons."
Monday, August 20, 2007
I laughed at this for ten minutes..
While I appreciate the manager's sense of humor... that is just wrong to do to someone. I Googled the girl's name on the internet, and it turns out that Hooters actually settled out of court for an undisclosed sum of money on this.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
the "P&G' s scheduling sucks" pub crawl...
The story goes like this...
I was helping plan the next Area 504 pub crawl with the understanding that the date for it was going to be the 17th. Fortunately, My new Girlfriend had off that night from the Folgers plant, and was really looking forward to it
Problem was, we were misinformed... the pub crawl in question is actually the week after this one.... rather than dissapoint my sweetie, I'm inviting everyone who isn't in Area 504 to help us do a "not-so-dry" run this week. If you are in 504 and wish to do both events, you are of course welcome to join us.
the plan is to meet at Crazy Johnnies in Metairie around six for dinner this Friday, and proceed to sample the finest bars fat city has to offer.
for further details, or the rest of the evenings itinerary, please call or e-mail me.
I was helping plan the next Area 504 pub crawl with the understanding that the date for it was going to be the 17th. Fortunately, My new Girlfriend had off that night from the Folgers plant, and was really looking forward to it
Problem was, we were misinformed... the pub crawl in question is actually the week after this one.... rather than dissapoint my sweetie, I'm inviting everyone who isn't in Area 504 to help us do a "not-so-dry" run this week. If you are in 504 and wish to do both events, you are of course welcome to join us.
the plan is to meet at Crazy Johnnies in Metairie around six for dinner this Friday, and proceed to sample the finest bars fat city has to offer.
for further details, or the rest of the evenings itinerary, please call or e-mail me.
Friday, August 10, 2007
The number of the beast...
Came across these on James Randi's website, and promptly laughed my butt off:
666 = number of the Beast
665 = older brother of the Beast
660 = approximate number of the Beast
66600 = zip code of the Beast
$665.95 = retail price of the Beast
DCLXVI = Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 = Number of the High-Precision Beast
0.666 = Number of the Millibeast
/666 = Beast Common Denominator
-666½ = Imaginary number of the Beast
6.66e3 = Floating point Beast
1010011010 = Binary number of the Beast
6, uh . . . what was that number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 = Area code of the Beast
666 mph = Speed limit of the Beast
$699.30 = Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 = Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 = Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 = Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 = Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 = Way of the Beast
666 F = Oven temperature for roast Beast
352 – Oven temperature for roast Beast in Europe
666(k) = Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg = Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66% = 5-yr CD interest rate at 1st Beast of Hell Nat. Bank, $666 min. deposit
$666/hr = Beast's lawyer's billing rate
Lotus 6-6-6 = Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 = Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 = CPU of the Beast
665.9997856 = Number of the Beast on a Pentium
666i = BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) = Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
1232 Octal, Apt. 29A = Beast's hexed address
668 = Next-door neighbor of the Beast
333 = The semi-Christ
666 = number of the Beast
665 = older brother of the Beast
660 = approximate number of the Beast
66600 = zip code of the Beast
$665.95 = retail price of the Beast
DCLXVI = Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 = Number of the High-Precision Beast
0.666 = Number of the Millibeast
/666 = Beast Common Denominator
-666½ = Imaginary number of the Beast
6.66e3 = Floating point Beast
1010011010 = Binary number of the Beast
6, uh . . . what was that number again? = Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 = Area code of the Beast
666 mph = Speed limit of the Beast
$699.30 = Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 = Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 = Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 = Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 = Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 = Way of the Beast
666 F = Oven temperature for roast Beast
352 – Oven temperature for roast Beast in Europe
666(k) = Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg = Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66% = 5-yr CD interest rate at 1st Beast of Hell Nat. Bank, $666 min. deposit
$666/hr = Beast's lawyer's billing rate
Lotus 6-6-6 = Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 = Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 = CPU of the Beast
665.9997856 = Number of the Beast on a Pentium
666i = BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) = Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
1232 Octal, Apt. 29A = Beast's hexed address
668 = Next-door neighbor of the Beast
333 = The semi-Christ
Thursday, August 09, 2007
This post brought to you by the letter "B"...
I got the letter “B” from Cheri… Here's how it works…. You ask me for a letter in the comments, I give you one, then you post that letter in your journal along with ten words of significance to you that start with that letter, and why they're significant. What a fun game! You know you want to play! :)
Bonus number 12) Bonus- lucky you, you get two of em!
2) Bob- The one nickname derived from Robert that I REFUSE to answer to. I’m sorry, but I’m just not a quadrapelegic in the middle of the ocean.
3) Buick- my current ride. I adore my Maybelline… She’s got the personality of a Camaro, and the luxury of a Cadillac.
4) Brazil nuts- one of my few life-threatening allergies.
5) “Big man”- the one “nickname” a complete stranger can call me that will give me an immediate dislike of them. It’s not that I don’t think I am a big man… I just think it’s kinda rude for a stranger to label you as such.
6) Brannagan, (Zap)- my favorite Futurama character… “I suffer from a very sensual learning disability… I call it sexlexia.”
7) Blogging- my addiction, your entertainment.
8) “Build me up, Buttercup”- the ringtone I recently assigned to my new special someone.
9) Becca- one of my oldest and dearest friends.
10) Brooklyn Tech- my high school alma mater.
Bonus number 11) Boy... that was harder than I thought!Bonus number 12) Bonus- lucky you, you get two of em!
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Multimedia message
Thursday, August 02, 2007
For those that think their lives couldn't get any better...
I refer you to this post on my brother's blog.
Of course, it could be even more awesome if they were opening for Atomic Thump...
Of course, it could be even more awesome if they were opening for Atomic Thump...
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Some funny on a rainy tuesday
It's raining here in New Orleans today, but we have a saying... you don't like the weather, wait ten minutes. If it doesn't clear up, then it wasn't the right ten minutes :)
On to the joke:
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
On to the joke:
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''
Monday, July 30, 2007
14 reasons why it's better to date a fangirl...
1) She's much less likely to drag you to a chick flick, but way more likely to drag you to a Harry Potter flick.
2) She gets your joke about how many Pakleds it takes to screw in a light bulb.
The answer is two... one to replicate the bulb, the other to kidnap Geordi.
3) She finds the stories about the exploits of your D&D character fascinating.
4) Her response to you bragging about how you detailed your Millennium Falcon model with the blast marks in the right position: "Coooool."
5) The day after you sit through a ten hour Dr. Who marathon with your friends, she asks you if you want to watch the Dr. Who episodes she has on her DVR without even thinking you might refuse. (You wouldn't.)
6) She understands completely how cool the Midnight Harry Potter release was.
7) She has no problem meeting you over coffee just to discuss the latest episode of Heroes.
8) She thinks your facination with Superheroines and Orion Slave Girls is funny, not creepy.
9) You drop a Princess Bride reference in your conversation, and she not only gets it, but comes up with a more obscure one.
10) She's just as likely to have an attic full of action figures as you are.
11) She's not surprised that you have a Superhero/Jedi/Star Trek costume... she's just impressed that you made them yourself.
12) You don't have to explain to her who Dr. Franknfurter, Gort, Fezzig, or Neil Gaiman are.
13) She giggles when you call non-fanfolk "Mundanes" or "Muggles".
14) She insists you need to see just as many movies as you insist she needs to see.
2) She gets your joke about how many Pakleds it takes to screw in a light bulb.
The answer is two... one to replicate the bulb, the other to kidnap Geordi.
3) She finds the stories about the exploits of your D&D character fascinating.
4) Her response to you bragging about how you detailed your Millennium Falcon model with the blast marks in the right position: "Coooool."
5) The day after you sit through a ten hour Dr. Who marathon with your friends, she asks you if you want to watch the Dr. Who episodes she has on her DVR without even thinking you might refuse. (You wouldn't.)
6) She understands completely how cool the Midnight Harry Potter release was.
7) She has no problem meeting you over coffee just to discuss the latest episode of Heroes.
8) She thinks your facination with Superheroines and Orion Slave Girls is funny, not creepy.
9) You drop a Princess Bride reference in your conversation, and she not only gets it, but comes up with a more obscure one.
10) She's just as likely to have an attic full of action figures as you are.
11) She's not surprised that you have a Superhero/Jedi/Star Trek costume... she's just impressed that you made them yourself.
12) You don't have to explain to her who Dr. Franknfurter, Gort, Fezzig, or Neil Gaiman are.
13) She giggles when you call non-fanfolk "Mundanes" or "Muggles".
14) She insists you need to see just as many movies as you insist she needs to see.
About the prime directive...
The Prime Directive, as stated by the branch of Starfleet with it's meathooks sunk into the DOA management reads as follows:
Directive 001- No post shall be made to Dogs of Atlantis that would interfere with the natural development of the authors relationship with a female. This includes, but is not limited to revealing feelings, emotions, and/or funny/flattering situations which may or may not make said female's heart melt like a ice sculpture at a Hawaiian lava festival, no matter how funny/flattering said anecdotes may or may not be.
Directive 001.1- Remember, my Mom reads my blog.
Directive 001.2- (the James T. Kirk clause) These laws are binding unless said female is an exceptionally hot Orion slave girl or a genuine Superheroine, in which case it would be impossible to get the blog's author to shut up about it.
The Prime Directive is perhaps the biggest and most necessary limitation I put upon what goes on these pages. As such, it also turns out to be one of the more questionable ones, as evidenced by this post, titled "Prime Directive my ass!" which includes one of the best verbal descriptions of me I have ever read (and may have put on my next business cards). It's the part with all the slashes in it. :) I am linking to it so that I will not be accused of not providing my readers with a fair and balanced point of view. Think of it as the 'democratic response'.
In short, kids... your beloved Webkahunah once again has a love life that he won't talk about, but is enjoying immensely.
Directive 001- No post shall be made to Dogs of Atlantis that would interfere with the natural development of the authors relationship with a female. This includes, but is not limited to revealing feelings, emotions, and/or funny/flattering situations which may or may not make said female's heart melt like a ice sculpture at a Hawaiian lava festival, no matter how funny/flattering said anecdotes may or may not be.
Directive 001.1- Remember, my Mom reads my blog.
Directive 001.2- (the James T. Kirk clause) These laws are binding unless said female is an exceptionally hot Orion slave girl or a genuine Superheroine, in which case it would be impossible to get the blog's author to shut up about it.
The Prime Directive is perhaps the biggest and most necessary limitation I put upon what goes on these pages. As such, it also turns out to be one of the more questionable ones, as evidenced by this post, titled "Prime Directive my ass!" which includes one of the best verbal descriptions of me I have ever read (and may have put on my next business cards). It's the part with all the slashes in it. :) I am linking to it so that I will not be accused of not providing my readers with a fair and balanced point of view. Think of it as the 'democratic response'.
In short, kids... your beloved Webkahunah once again has a love life that he won't talk about, but is enjoying immensely.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Multimedia message
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Posting from the past...
I was talking to a new friend about certain posts on my blog, specifically those pertaining to why I don't post about my love life, my Mission: Impressable posts, and that period of my life when life was just one adventure after another that nearly involved me getting killed.
Mission: Impressable 1
Mission: Impressable 2
Why I don't post about my love life
Nearly getting myself killed by drinking the water
Nearly getting myself killed by getting hit by a train
Nearly getting myself killed on the highway
So, what is it about this new friend that warrants me talking about such things? Well as we all know, I am forbidden by the prime directive to talk about certain things, but she put up a very flattering post about me on her MySpace blog that I think explains it.
No, I'm not linking to it. That would be a direct violation of the prime directive, kids. Starfleet doesn't f#@k around with those that violate it.
Mission: Impressable 1
Mission: Impressable 2
Why I don't post about my love life
Nearly getting myself killed by drinking the water
Nearly getting myself killed by getting hit by a train
Nearly getting myself killed on the highway
So, what is it about this new friend that warrants me talking about such things? Well as we all know, I am forbidden by the prime directive to talk about certain things, but she put up a very flattering post about me on her MySpace blog that I think explains it.
No, I'm not linking to it. That would be a direct violation of the prime directive, kids. Starfleet doesn't f#@k around with those that violate it.
About that last post...
The post below was my first test of the new system blogger has in place to allow people to post blog entries from their cell phone.
It worked, and this is a very awesome thing. The only issue I have with it is that I can't change the subject line from the cell phone, and it will always come up as "multimedia message".
Well, no one ever said being an early innovator was easy.
It worked, and this is a very awesome thing. The only issue I have with it is that I can't change the subject line from the cell phone, and it will always come up as "multimedia message".
Well, no one ever said being an early innovator was easy.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Multimedia message
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Cue creepy theme music
Okay, I scored 100% on this test, which challenges you to tell the difference between crimes in Scooby Doo episodes and real-world crimes.
This means I either have a good memory for unusual crimes or I watch way too many cartoons.
This means I either have a good memory for unusual crimes or I watch way too many cartoons.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Life is funny...
It always amazes me how life just sort of happens to most people... unsummoned and without warning, the lives we lead have a tendancy to simply shape themselves into existence. How chance encounters lead us in directions uncharted, and unexpected.
Pretty deep thought for a sunday, but I'm in a fairly good mood with nowhere else to direct the idea. :)
Pretty deep thought for a sunday, but I'm in a fairly good mood with nowhere else to direct the idea. :)
Friday, July 20, 2007
Sandifest (tm) results
I know that the burning question is on the minds of some: Who won the
Sandifest ™ scavenger hunt?
Well, when the three teams arrived at the Rendezvous Cafe, all were
psyched and ready to compete. Originally, I had wanted the hunt to
begin in the parking lot of the restaurant, but as it was raining we
all met inside by the bar. The wait staff (while obviously bewildered
at the sudden surge of buisiness on this rainy Saturday) were very
nice and accommodating to the hordes of silliness I had unleashed upon
them in the name of Sandi's birthday.
Sandi and I unpacked the trophies and door prizes (several very cool
buttons). I then made sure I had all the team captains contact numbers
before reading the rules. Team Exhibition, (in their Expedition,
consisting of team captain Raymond, Rebecca, Petri, Charlotte, Ragnar,
and the still gestating Fin spawn) seemed confident of an easy win.
Team Slaughter, (in a mini van, consisting of team captain and forum
newcomer Cheri, and four of her friends whose names I can't remember),
obviously had the eye of the tiger thing going on. Team Gilbeau (in
the Gilbeau family jeep, consisting of Amy, Bobby, Paige, and Amy's
librarian friend whose name I cannot seem to remember either. Damn
this short term memory loss!) was fairly sure of themselves as well
despite the other teams having numerical superiority and larger
vehicles. After a quick review of the rules, (and some disagreement
about the `no interpretive dance during the hunt' rule) the teams were
given their scavenger lists, and the race was on.
The list consisted of 58 items, 27 photos of varying point value, and
instructions for finding the finish line. Among the items and photos I
was more proud of including were:
A birthday gift for Sandi
A piece of clothing from a member of another team
A male stripper
A photo of Sandi prior to 1977
A nationally recognized celebrity
A speeding ticket dated that evening
A street sign that reads "Sandy Cove"
A photo of the team re-enacting a historical event
A photo of the team in a fountain
A photo of the team with a wal-mart greeter
A photo of a team member pumping a stranger's gas for them
A photo of the team with a cop, (extra points if team is in handcuffs,
assuming the position holding donuts)
A photo of the team re-creating a Beatles album cover
The finish line clues were a shopping list… teams needed to get
specific digits of each product's upc code, when all were obtained,
they would give them a phone number of a friend of mine that would
reveal the finish line to be at the Fox and Hound, where Sandi and I
waited patiently for the teams to arrive. After all the teams were in,
the points were tallied, team Slaughter edged out team Exhibition by a
narrow 161 point margin to win first place.
That's right... the team that started at 7:1 odds won. Anyone who had
taken me up on a ten dollar bet would have won 70 bucks. Thank
goodness it was just a joke.
Among the highlights of the evening (for me, anyway… anyone who
participated feel free to add their own)
Team Exhibition's photo of Rebecca, Ragnar, and Raymond re-enacting
the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.
Team Slaughter's story about how each time they convinced a cop to
pose for a picture, the cop would get called away on police buisiness.
Team Gilbeau tracking down Sandi's Mom to get childhood photos of her.
And what had to be the best pic of the evening… team Exhibition's
recreation of the "Abbey Road" album.
The important thing is that everyone had a great time. Thank you to
all who participated. We'll have to do it all again soon!
Sandifest ™ scavenger hunt?
Well, when the three teams arrived at the Rendezvous Cafe, all were
psyched and ready to compete. Originally, I had wanted the hunt to
begin in the parking lot of the restaurant, but as it was raining we
all met inside by the bar. The wait staff (while obviously bewildered
at the sudden surge of buisiness on this rainy Saturday) were very
nice and accommodating to the hordes of silliness I had unleashed upon
them in the name of Sandi's birthday.
Sandi and I unpacked the trophies and door prizes (several very cool
buttons). I then made sure I had all the team captains contact numbers
before reading the rules. Team Exhibition, (in their Expedition,
consisting of team captain Raymond, Rebecca, Petri, Charlotte, Ragnar,
and the still gestating Fin spawn) seemed confident of an easy win.
Team Slaughter, (in a mini van, consisting of team captain and forum
newcomer Cheri, and four of her friends whose names I can't remember),
obviously had the eye of the tiger thing going on. Team Gilbeau (in
the Gilbeau family jeep, consisting of Amy, Bobby, Paige, and Amy's
librarian friend whose name I cannot seem to remember either. Damn
this short term memory loss!) was fairly sure of themselves as well
despite the other teams having numerical superiority and larger
vehicles. After a quick review of the rules, (and some disagreement
about the `no interpretive dance during the hunt' rule) the teams were
given their scavenger lists, and the race was on.
The list consisted of 58 items, 27 photos of varying point value, and
instructions for finding the finish line. Among the items and photos I
was more proud of including were:
A birthday gift for Sandi
A piece of clothing from a member of another team
A male stripper
A photo of Sandi prior to 1977
A nationally recognized celebrity
A speeding ticket dated that evening
A street sign that reads "Sandy Cove"
A photo of the team re-enacting a historical event
A photo of the team in a fountain
A photo of the team with a wal-mart greeter
A photo of a team member pumping a stranger's gas for them
A photo of the team with a cop, (extra points if team is in handcuffs,
assuming the position holding donuts)
A photo of the team re-creating a Beatles album cover
The finish line clues were a shopping list… teams needed to get
specific digits of each product's upc code, when all were obtained,
they would give them a phone number of a friend of mine that would
reveal the finish line to be at the Fox and Hound, where Sandi and I
waited patiently for the teams to arrive. After all the teams were in,
the points were tallied, team Slaughter edged out team Exhibition by a
narrow 161 point margin to win first place.
That's right... the team that started at 7:1 odds won. Anyone who had
taken me up on a ten dollar bet would have won 70 bucks. Thank
goodness it was just a joke.
Among the highlights of the evening (for me, anyway… anyone who
participated feel free to add their own)
Team Exhibition's photo of Rebecca, Ragnar, and Raymond re-enacting
the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.
Team Slaughter's story about how each time they convinced a cop to
pose for a picture, the cop would get called away on police buisiness.
Team Gilbeau tracking down Sandi's Mom to get childhood photos of her.
And what had to be the best pic of the evening… team Exhibition's
recreation of the "Abbey Road" album.
The important thing is that everyone had a great time. Thank you to
all who participated. We'll have to do it all again soon!
A post dedicated to Stacey
Because I read this and immediataely thought of those pink flip flops she always wears
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
fun with quantum physics...
I have a bet on this one, that at least 10 of my friends will get this joke... If you get it, please leave me a comment saying so. I laughed pretty hard at it.
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Sandifest (tm) 2007
This year for Dizzy's birthday, I've put together something special... Heck, it beats buying a gift :) the official press release follows:
Attention, attention, and hear ye hear ye!
Sandifest(tm) 2007 will be on July 14, 2007, at whereupon we shall begin the celebration of the latest anniversary of Sandi's (Dizzy, to regular readers of this blog) 29th trip around the sun.
The staging area for the traditional Sandifest(tm) Scavenger Hunt will be in the parking lot of the Rendezvous cafe, 3001 General Degaulle in algiers at 6:30pm.
Teams participating in the hunt will be competing for a lovely trophy, or perhaps a few loving cups if we can find them cheap on ebay.
Teams should bring:
A swimsuit
A digital camera or cameraphone
A flashlight
A car
A map
A sense of humor
A change of underwear
A friend :)
I would also recommend that the teams carpool to the starting point.
The location of the actual party will not be at the Rendezvous, but will be part of the hunt. It will also be revealed to all teams unable to find the location if the party before 8pm at 8pm. Teams should be aware though, that finding the party will be the highest point value
on the scavenger hunt. If you are not planning on participating in the hunt, please register with Sandifest (tm)'s official promoter and sponsor (Rob "the Webkahunah" Cerio) and he will let you in on this closely guarded secret.
Teams may be any size. Remember that the point is to have fun! All who read these words are welcome to attend. This includes any readers of my blog that may be so inclined. I'll be the fat guy in the loud Hawaiian Shirt.
Please feel free to ask questions :)
Attention, attention, and hear ye hear ye!
Sandifest(tm) 2007 will be on July 14, 2007, at whereupon we shall begin the celebration of the latest anniversary of Sandi's (Dizzy, to regular readers of this blog) 29th trip around the sun.
The staging area for the traditional Sandifest(tm) Scavenger Hunt will be in the parking lot of the Rendezvous cafe, 3001 General Degaulle in algiers at 6:30pm.
Teams participating in the hunt will be competing for a lovely trophy, or perhaps a few loving cups if we can find them cheap on ebay.
Teams should bring:
A swimsuit
A digital camera or cameraphone
A flashlight
A car
A map
A sense of humor
A change of underwear
A friend :)
I would also recommend that the teams carpool to the starting point.
The location of the actual party will not be at the Rendezvous, but will be part of the hunt. It will also be revealed to all teams unable to find the location if the party before 8pm at 8pm. Teams should be aware though, that finding the party will be the highest point value
on the scavenger hunt. If you are not planning on participating in the hunt, please register with Sandifest (tm)'s official promoter and sponsor (Rob "the Webkahunah" Cerio) and he will let you in on this closely guarded secret.
Teams may be any size. Remember that the point is to have fun! All who read these words are welcome to attend. This includes any readers of my blog that may be so inclined. I'll be the fat guy in the loud Hawaiian Shirt.
Please feel free to ask questions :)
Some funny on a wednesday...
A 2007 study (recently completed) found that the average Cajun walks about 900 miles per year.
A separate study found that Cajuns drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That conclusively means, on average, Cajuns get about 41 miles per gallon.
A separate study found that Cajuns drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That conclusively means, on average, Cajuns get about 41 miles per gallon.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Braaaaaains!
Becca sent out a Myspace bulletin with this, but I thought it was funny enough to post here:
Now all you wannabe Zombies remember... intestines are very high in cholesterol.
Now all you wannabe Zombies remember... intestines are very high in cholesterol.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
USA! USA! USA!
While you were all enjoying a day off and maybe a backyard barbeque in the company of friends on the 4th, on coney island our country's bragging rights were being re-secured for the first time in six years.
That's right, boys and girls... read for yourself the thrilling story about the mustard belt coming home.
That's right, boys and girls... read for yourself the thrilling story about the mustard belt coming home.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Talk about your effective advertizing...
This clip is enough to make me buy this product immediately, and a box for everyone I know.
Fight Noise pollution, Y'all... don't have kids.
Fight Noise pollution, Y'all... don't have kids.
Friday, June 29, 2007
I couldn't agree more...
with the newswoman in this video. I laughed hysterically at this, because I thought that it was great that she stood up about what constitutes real news, and the idiot talking heads kept trying to convince her otherwise.
I give her two weeks, tops.
VIDEO:
I give her two weeks, tops.
VIDEO:
From this week's trivia night:
Though I was unable to attend, Ducky told me that teh quizmaster asked the following question which made me spit my morning latte all over my computer screen at work:
Q: How was this week like the month of August, 1944?
A: Paris was liberated.
Nyuck, Nyuck Nyuck.
Q: How was this week like the month of August, 1944?
A: Paris was liberated.
Nyuck, Nyuck Nyuck.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Did someone get my memo...
That details all the things from my misspent youth that I want to see more done with?
I confess to a love of the theatre... more so to a love of musicals. But sadly, I have never been able to afford tickets to a Broadway show. I actually considered shelling out the month's rent it would have taken for me and a friend to go see the original cast of Spamalot, but decided that having a roof over my head was slightly more important.
THIS, however... I will gladly give my left arm, my first born, and a significant portion of my frontal lobe to go see. I am a huge fan of the movie and it's creator... and that alone is reason enough.
I confess to a love of the theatre... more so to a love of musicals. But sadly, I have never been able to afford tickets to a Broadway show. I actually considered shelling out the month's rent it would have taken for me and a friend to go see the original cast of Spamalot, but decided that having a roof over my head was slightly more important.
THIS, however... I will gladly give my left arm, my first born, and a significant portion of my frontal lobe to go see. I am a huge fan of the movie and it's creator... and that alone is reason enough.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Gentlemen, start your landstriders....
I only have one friend that I think will really care about this, but I'm pretty darned excited.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
For those of you that missed it...
The Robot Chicken Star Wars special aired sunday night... my favorite clips:
Palpatine and Luke in a "Yo Mama" Contest
Am I the only one that thought the joke that ends the contest is funny as hell?
The Giant Worm orders chinese
The accents are of course what makes this funny...
and of course:
Death Star orientation
Which, for some reason reminded me of my buddy Dave.
Palpatine and Luke in a "Yo Mama" Contest
Am I the only one that thought the joke that ends the contest is funny as hell?
The Giant Worm orders chinese
The accents are of course what makes this funny...
and of course:
Death Star orientation
Which, for some reason reminded me of my buddy Dave.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Things or people that do NOT bother me.
Tagged by Melinda... who, (oddly enough) does not bother me.
The following things do not bother me in the slightest...
1) When my boss shows up with 10 pounds of these:
and invites us all to partake of them for lunch. Sure beats Burger King.
2)My staple remover:
despite the fact that it's obviously broken it's the best staple remover I've ever had, and the fact that it's broken doesn't bother me in the slightest. What does bother me is that I get asked once a month why I haven't replaced it.
3) Previews of coming attractions. In fact, I love the previews before the movie begins so much that it drives Dizzy nuts that I always insist on not missing them. It's also the one feature I always look to be included when buying a new DVD.
4) Kids that ask questions. While seated next to a koi pond at a chinese food place the other day a ten year old that was trying to see if goldfish liked fortune cookies asked me if I knew why they had a pond in the middle of the restaurant. I happily answered with everything I knew about how and why oriental cultures find fish to be good luck. Expanding a young mind feels good.
5) When someone buys me a beer. Or food. Or a houseboat. So you know... feel free if the mood strikes you.
6) Being hugged. (Although rumors abound that I hate it when people hug me)
7) Being tagged for memes (I don't always have the time to do them, but I generally enjoy anything that forces me to write)
8) Spelling mistakes. Bad grammar however, really pisses me off to the point where there are some blogs I simply won't read anymore because they are so badly written.
9) People that dislike me. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
10) My weight.
11) Bad puns. Bad pranks are a different issue entirely.
12) Elvis Impersonators.
So, time to tag a few folk that almost never update their blogs:
Lauren
Drew
Ringo
Danielle
The following things do not bother me in the slightest...
1) When my boss shows up with 10 pounds of these:
and invites us all to partake of them for lunch. Sure beats Burger King.2)My staple remover:
despite the fact that it's obviously broken it's the best staple remover I've ever had, and the fact that it's broken doesn't bother me in the slightest. What does bother me is that I get asked once a month why I haven't replaced it.
3) Previews of coming attractions. In fact, I love the previews before the movie begins so much that it drives Dizzy nuts that I always insist on not missing them. It's also the one feature I always look to be included when buying a new DVD.
4) Kids that ask questions. While seated next to a koi pond at a chinese food place the other day a ten year old that was trying to see if goldfish liked fortune cookies asked me if I knew why they had a pond in the middle of the restaurant. I happily answered with everything I knew about how and why oriental cultures find fish to be good luck. Expanding a young mind feels good.
5) When someone buys me a beer. Or food. Or a houseboat. So you know... feel free if the mood strikes you.
6) Being hugged. (Although rumors abound that I hate it when people hug me)
7) Being tagged for memes (I don't always have the time to do them, but I generally enjoy anything that forces me to write)
8) Spelling mistakes. Bad grammar however, really pisses me off to the point where there are some blogs I simply won't read anymore because they are so badly written.
9) People that dislike me. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
10) My weight.
11) Bad puns. Bad pranks are a different issue entirely.
12) Elvis Impersonators.
So, time to tag a few folk that almost never update their blogs:
Lauren
Drew
Ringo
Danielle
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Ooo, Ooo! I want one!
Just imagine the possibilities of shape and design when making your very own Bonsai kitten!
The Dogs of Atlantis management does not condone animal creulty in any way or form. Shape however, is a completely different matter.
The Dogs of Atlantis management does not condone animal creulty in any way or form. Shape however, is a completely different matter.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Some funny on a friday...
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
The past lies just past the Soulvaki...
I had an interesting weekend... but first, in my email box today I got the following image from my friend Ray:
Apparently, Captain Chaos and his sidekick made quite the impression because I've been told that there are many, many more pictures out there.
Anyway, I went to greek fest this weekend, which was as usual quite awesome. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and the smell of ouzo and garlic filled the air. At some point though, I realized that sunscreen was a good idea, and so I went for a quick drive through the neighborhood in search of an open drugstore.
I used to go to UNO, which is not far from the festival, and so I am intimately familiar with the neighborhood. (I apologize to those of my readers that didn't attend UNO with me, because I'm about to go into detail and describe landmarks you aren't familiar with... please bear with me.) On my little quest for sunscreen, My heart sank as I drove past houses that looked like they were on the ass end of an ass beating. For those of you that remember the house where my first apartment in N.O. was, that entire neighborhood looks like it hasn't been touched since Katrina. Overgrown shells of houses that look like they're about to fall over loomed on either side of the Buick as I pulled onto Robert E. Lee. Here it is, almost two years after the storm and there was almost no sign of life on the river side of Leon C. Simon. Blvd.
Still I soldiered on, slowly realizing another way that the neighborhood looks completely different: all the trees are gone. That close to the lake, I'm not really surprised, but when I turned onto elysian fields my heart sank again... the supermarket... blanking on the name... something italian begining with a "C"... regardless... like the song says, ain't there no more. Nothing but a vacant lot where it and the local chineese place once stood. As I pulled into Walgreen's parking lot though, I saw this sight... which brought to the surface all the tears I had been fighting back:
This, boys and girls... is what is left of the Checkmate Lounge.
Again, for those readers unfimiliar with the place, this was the finish line for Kahunahhunt 1, the starting line for Kahunahhunt 2, and the site of many fun, happy nights with my closest friends.
I bought my sunscreen and decided to get my sorry butt to Greek Fest, ignoring the way all these sights made me feel. Plus that, by this point I really needed a good stiff drink handed to me by a pretty woman.
I was a little dissapointed that the live band didn't play for the bulk of the day like they usually do, but hey... I was there in the company of friends, in a shady spot with a cool breeze on my tummy... and the past (for the rest of that afternoon at least), decided to stay there.
Apparently, Captain Chaos and his sidekick made quite the impression because I've been told that there are many, many more pictures out there.
Anyway, I went to greek fest this weekend, which was as usual quite awesome. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and the smell of ouzo and garlic filled the air. At some point though, I realized that sunscreen was a good idea, and so I went for a quick drive through the neighborhood in search of an open drugstore.I used to go to UNO, which is not far from the festival, and so I am intimately familiar with the neighborhood. (I apologize to those of my readers that didn't attend UNO with me, because I'm about to go into detail and describe landmarks you aren't familiar with... please bear with me.) On my little quest for sunscreen, My heart sank as I drove past houses that looked like they were on the ass end of an ass beating. For those of you that remember the house where my first apartment in N.O. was, that entire neighborhood looks like it hasn't been touched since Katrina. Overgrown shells of houses that look like they're about to fall over loomed on either side of the Buick as I pulled onto Robert E. Lee. Here it is, almost two years after the storm and there was almost no sign of life on the river side of Leon C. Simon. Blvd.
Still I soldiered on, slowly realizing another way that the neighborhood looks completely different: all the trees are gone. That close to the lake, I'm not really surprised, but when I turned onto elysian fields my heart sank again... the supermarket... blanking on the name... something italian begining with a "C"... regardless... like the song says, ain't there no more. Nothing but a vacant lot where it and the local chineese place once stood. As I pulled into Walgreen's parking lot though, I saw this sight... which brought to the surface all the tears I had been fighting back:
This, boys and girls... is what is left of the Checkmate Lounge.
Again, for those readers unfimiliar with the place, this was the finish line for Kahunahhunt 1, the starting line for Kahunahhunt 2, and the site of many fun, happy nights with my closest friends.
I bought my sunscreen and decided to get my sorry butt to Greek Fest, ignoring the way all these sights made me feel. Plus that, by this point I really needed a good stiff drink handed to me by a pretty woman.
I was a little dissapointed that the live band didn't play for the bulk of the day like they usually do, but hey... I was there in the company of friends, in a shady spot with a cool breeze on my tummy... and the past (for the rest of that afternoon at least), decided to stay there.
Some Wednesday humor...
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Irony comes in stick figures...
I came across this cartoon today... the funny thing about this is that my guitar came in the mail yesterday...
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Some Wednesday humor...
Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Train of thought tuesday....
There's a lot going through the railway station that is my brain today... some trains are stopping to let off passengers and cargo, others are barrelling through at 70 mph and knocking some poor kid's puppy off the platform and onto the tracks.
Boy, that was a particularly grisly thought, wasn't it? I guess that you get a little muddy wading in the stream of consciousness.
Anyway, I was browsing MySpace today, and came across the profile of a woman I met at the con over the weekend. I've been sitting here all morning trying to decide if I should write to her or not. I mean, what would I say? "Hi, I met you over the weekend, found your MySpace by Tuesday, but I swear I'm so not stalking you even though I found you cute and funny..."?
While amusing and full of comedic potential, "creepy fat guy on Internet" really isn't what I want to project to women I meet. Still, my experience is that fortune favors the bold. I guess I'm just torn about writing to someone I hardly know.
Still, that didn't stop me from writing to my cousin last week after finding her e-mail address online...
Yes, I wrote. No, it wasn't real pretty, particularly after she found my blog... But I think we made our peace by the time the exchange was over. This is another thing I'm very torn about... my Dad has chosen (for reasons that are entirely his own and will not be questioned here) not to have a relationship with his family. While I know my decisions are my own in all this, I also know I feel very weird trying to get to know these people that Dad doesn't feel comfortable talking to, family or not. I've made some attempts over the years to keep in touch with that side of the family... but each time it seemed very forced somehow, and never led to a lasting connection. Maybe this is just my guilt at not having really known my Grandmother in the years before she passed away, or maybe it's the slight sting I felt about none of my Dad's family checking in with me after Katrina to see if I was okay. All I know for sure is that this has got to change. My cousin put a thought into my head that has been bugging me since she made the point... if one of us had been making an effort to keep in touch with that side of the family, we would have known what was going on. I tried to get in touch with Grandma after Katrina to let her know I was okay, (figured she would want to know) but failed for one reason or another. Maybe I should have tried harder.
But then again, maybe my overdeveloped sense of guilt is just being a jerk to the rest of my brain. This post is turning out to be way more depressing than I ever meant it to be... so lets try to end it on a high note, about heart disease...
At work today, my boss came out from the kitchen eating an ice cream sandwich. "I shouldn't be eating this" he said, "Eventually, these things will give me a heart attack. You know, I know a guy who died at 41 from a heart attack"
My boss and I are the same age... and I have roughly 200 lbs on the guy, so I laughed at him and said, "You know, when I was 18, people said I would have a heart attack by the time I was 21. When I was 25, the same people told me I wouldn't make it to 30. On my 31st birthday, my ex fussed at me that by eating that second piece of cake, I wouldn't make it to 35. Here I am at 37, and two of my much younger friends have had between them multiple heart attacks, so you'll understand if I view the idea that I won't make it to 40 with a little bit of skepticism. You can't live your life in fear."
"Yeah." my boss said, "It's like listening to the helmet laws for motorcycles anyway. If I want to risk my life, it's my god-given right to do so. I'm just showing that I won't be afraid by eating this." he then finished the ice cream sandwich with a little bit of a flourish. "In fact," he then said, "I'm gonna have another."
"Now wait a minute," I said, "One is making a point, a second is just putting the gun to your head needlessly."
My boss stopped, turned around and said "You know... you're right." and went back into his office. My job done, I then went and ate the last ice cream sandwich.
Hey, someone had to throw themselves on that grenade, right?
Boy, that was a particularly grisly thought, wasn't it? I guess that you get a little muddy wading in the stream of consciousness.
Anyway, I was browsing MySpace today, and came across the profile of a woman I met at the con over the weekend. I've been sitting here all morning trying to decide if I should write to her or not. I mean, what would I say? "Hi, I met you over the weekend, found your MySpace by Tuesday, but I swear I'm so not stalking you even though I found you cute and funny..."?
While amusing and full of comedic potential, "creepy fat guy on Internet" really isn't what I want to project to women I meet. Still, my experience is that fortune favors the bold. I guess I'm just torn about writing to someone I hardly know.
Still, that didn't stop me from writing to my cousin last week after finding her e-mail address online...
Yes, I wrote. No, it wasn't real pretty, particularly after she found my blog... But I think we made our peace by the time the exchange was over. This is another thing I'm very torn about... my Dad has chosen (for reasons that are entirely his own and will not be questioned here) not to have a relationship with his family. While I know my decisions are my own in all this, I also know I feel very weird trying to get to know these people that Dad doesn't feel comfortable talking to, family or not. I've made some attempts over the years to keep in touch with that side of the family... but each time it seemed very forced somehow, and never led to a lasting connection. Maybe this is just my guilt at not having really known my Grandmother in the years before she passed away, or maybe it's the slight sting I felt about none of my Dad's family checking in with me after Katrina to see if I was okay. All I know for sure is that this has got to change. My cousin put a thought into my head that has been bugging me since she made the point... if one of us had been making an effort to keep in touch with that side of the family, we would have known what was going on. I tried to get in touch with Grandma after Katrina to let her know I was okay, (figured she would want to know) but failed for one reason or another. Maybe I should have tried harder.
But then again, maybe my overdeveloped sense of guilt is just being a jerk to the rest of my brain. This post is turning out to be way more depressing than I ever meant it to be... so lets try to end it on a high note, about heart disease...
At work today, my boss came out from the kitchen eating an ice cream sandwich. "I shouldn't be eating this" he said, "Eventually, these things will give me a heart attack. You know, I know a guy who died at 41 from a heart attack"
My boss and I are the same age... and I have roughly 200 lbs on the guy, so I laughed at him and said, "You know, when I was 18, people said I would have a heart attack by the time I was 21. When I was 25, the same people told me I wouldn't make it to 30. On my 31st birthday, my ex fussed at me that by eating that second piece of cake, I wouldn't make it to 35. Here I am at 37, and two of my much younger friends have had between them multiple heart attacks, so you'll understand if I view the idea that I won't make it to 40 with a little bit of skepticism. You can't live your life in fear."
"Yeah." my boss said, "It's like listening to the helmet laws for motorcycles anyway. If I want to risk my life, it's my god-given right to do so. I'm just showing that I won't be afraid by eating this." he then finished the ice cream sandwich with a little bit of a flourish. "In fact," he then said, "I'm gonna have another."
"Now wait a minute," I said, "One is making a point, a second is just putting the gun to your head needlessly."
My boss stopped, turned around and said "You know... you're right." and went back into his office. My job done, I then went and ate the last ice cream sandwich.
Hey, someone had to throw themselves on that grenade, right?
Monday, May 21, 2007
Do not adjust your sets...
This is not a photoshop image. This is an actual Photograph of Captain Chaos and his illegal immigrant sidekick, Catastrophe Boy 5. (after the first 4 Catastrophe Boys perished due to, well.. catastrophes, The good captain decided to save money by hiring his sidekicks in front of his local Home Depot.)There is a saying in Fandom circles... being a fan means never having to say "where would I wear this?". And so this weekend, Mobicon was the perfect place to wear the Captain Chaos outfit I've been working on.
I admit, I had considered not going to Mobicon this year due to having the worst week ever last week... but the hotel room was already reserved, my admission was already paid for, and a whole heap of my friends were going including my masked friend above, better known as Dave. Yes, that is indeed Dave... looking completely different than normal with a porn star style wig and mustache. We walked up to several people we knew throughout the night, and few recognized him until I gave up our secret identities.
Apparently, Dave makes for a very convincing migrant worker... and I need to work on the whole "secret" part of the secret identity thing. It seems that when surrounded by women like in the picture to my right, it apparently doesn't take long to get me to give up my name, address phone number, blood type, voter registration number and credit card information. I am proud though, that not once did I take off the mask that night. (the photo was from the night before when I was much, much drunker) On the bright side, Being Captain Chaos acted as an automatic filter for screening out women that were way to young for me to be messing with. If they didn't recognize me... probably too young. I did however notice that a number of the younger women thought Dave and I were supposed to be a pair of mexican wrestlers.
And lo, the generational gap gets wider.
In any event it was a fun weekend. Among the more notible highlights...
1) Taking a voice over seminar with Dave and laughing hysterically at how much he sounded like the old child molester character from 'Family Guy' when reading his copy.
2) Made a few contacts that may lead to me doing more paranormal investigations in alabama.
3) The following exchange between me and a pretty woman:
Me: My name is Rob... as in the verb 'to steal'
Her: As in to steal my heart?
Me: I am so using that line from now on.
4) Dave doing a pratfall every time I introduced him as Catastrophe Boy. Most people just thought he was drunk.
5) The quieter room parties suddenly filling up within mere moments of Captain Chaos entering the room. I know that where I am, that's where the party is... but to see it confirmed was astounding. By the end of the night, we were greeted more than once by "It's Captain Chaos, and he's come to save our party!"
6) About halfway through the night, me having to explain why I saved the dog at the end of the Cannonball Run instead of winning the race. Then being backed up by a fanboy who thought that was the right decision.
7) Getting shot down by women that were way out of my league not once, not twice, but thrice.
8) Being admonished by a friend for not being in the right place at the right time to stop some loser from making off with an entire tray of jello shots from a room party. (Where was Captain Chaos when we needed HIM? HE could have stopped this guy!)
9) Me blaming it on Catastrophe Boy when he was out of earshot.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
So, I talked to my Dad...
And he is in much better spirits... He said to give a shout out to all those that expressed their sympathies, and expressly forbade me from leaving flaming dog poop on anyone's doorstep. After a few laughs over how silly the whole thing was to him, we spent the rest of our conversation discussing the intelectual enuii expressed in the latest Godzilla movie.
No, that doesn't mean making "Groonk, Groonk" noises at each other in an attempt to capture Godzilla's inner pathos.
You know, I know my Dad's a big nerd just like his eldest son, but it always surprises me when he out-geeks me. I called him from in fromt of my friend Leah's house, who lives only a few blocks from the local fire station. Apparently, at 6pm, they test their air raid/tornado warning siren. It was really loud, and I joked with Dad that it sounded like they were calling the Morlocks. this, I figured was a rather clever joke referencing the classic George Pal movie, The Time Machine. Dad chuckled but didn't laugh.... instead he got all Fanboy on me and said, "Excuse me? don't you mean 'calling the Eloi'?" He was of course correct, but only 5% of the freakin population would have not only noticed the difference, but to called me on it.
Old geeks never die. They just win more trivia contests.
No, that doesn't mean making "Groonk, Groonk" noises at each other in an attempt to capture Godzilla's inner pathos.
You know, I know my Dad's a big nerd just like his eldest son, but it always surprises me when he out-geeks me. I called him from in fromt of my friend Leah's house, who lives only a few blocks from the local fire station. Apparently, at 6pm, they test their air raid/tornado warning siren. It was really loud, and I joked with Dad that it sounded like they were calling the Morlocks. this, I figured was a rather clever joke referencing the classic George Pal movie, The Time Machine. Dad chuckled but didn't laugh.... instead he got all Fanboy on me and said, "Excuse me? don't you mean 'calling the Eloi'?" He was of course correct, but only 5% of the freakin population would have not only noticed the difference, but to called me on it.
Old geeks never die. They just win more trivia contests.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
A dish best served cold does not begin to describe it.
First of all, I would like to express my gratitude for the outpouring of support that followed yesterday's blog. I truly appreciate all the comments and text messages I got. Nice to feel like the rest of the world cares :) I'm doing okay, though my thoughts right now are twisting toward revenge unto those what scorned my pappy. (Watched a lot of old Popeye cartoons over the weekend... sorry.)
First, I considered driving the 1500 or so miles to leave a bag of flaming dog poop on my uncle's front porch, but dismissed that as a touch juvenile. Well, that and I realized that if I really wanted to do that, I have agents in place that can do it for me without having to drive further than across the room to my cell phone. Agents who I can disavow knowledge of should the need arise. (best kind of agents... heh heh heh)
Then I calmed down slightly and called The coolest girl in the world, (yes, I am cool enough that I have the coolest girl in the world's phone number... but it ain't like that, so don't playa hate, y'all.) Who suggested mailing the offending parties a dead squirrel or two via third class mail. This was a great idea, (she is the coolest girl in the world, after all) but I get ill to my stomach just disposing of a mouse trap, much less while mailing a dead furry mammal.
During our conversation, she said something that has been ringing around my brain ever since.... "Perhaps it's time to enact some of the more elaborate revenge schemes you've come up with over the years, Rob."
I'm not a vengeful sort, folks... but I do believe that the universe has its own way of keeping itself just. If that includes, say, an anonymous tip to the authorities saying that you saw a number of dead hookers in the trunk of your next-door neighbor's brand new car that he insists on parking in your parking space every day, well then that was what the universe needed to balance itself.
In the spirit of such, I have often been called upon as a consultant in the fine art of getting even over the years. Many of my best laid plans have never come to fruition, as it's been my experience that a lot of time the vengeful person feels better by only to planning the vengeance... not the actually going through with it.
Completely dismantling an a**holes car and leaving the pieces around the city, then leaving him a map with the location of the parts is a lot more fun to plan than do. The thought of walling up all the entrances to the school newspaper with bricks and mortar because they published an unflattering picture is worth a laugh or two, but is really difficult to do without getting caught. Scaring the bejeusus out of a teacher that gets on your case for not doing your homework with what amounts to a big toy ray gun would be cool... but might also be good for a talk with the department of homeland security.
It's really very simple, folks... Imagination + Dark Humor= Great vengeance schemes + catharsis.
Anyway... as a result, many of my more elaborate schemes have sat on the shelf for many years. Some I admit to being impractical, like turning someone's prized in ground pool into a large vat of jello is really difficult if you don't have acess to the property, or a way to cool the jello down to gelling temperature.
Some are simply not financially viable, like sending as many animal performers and spacewalks to a bachelor's home, (with the understanding that to be paid, they must stay at this location) at various times throughout the day under the guise of a fictitious children's party being held there.
He, he, he. I defy anyone not to go ballistic by the time the llamas get there.
So, maybe I'll just content myself that I could come up with a daring and appropriate revenge scheme for now. After all, there is a slim chance that I will eventually run into these people at some god-awful family event, so I probably shouldn't do anything. Maybe I'll just leave it to Dad to mete out whatever retribution he feels appropriate. In fact, I'm gonna call him tonight to let him know I've got his back... maybe he'll feel better if we plan us some "revenge we'll never go through with" too.
Plus that, when I think about it... I doubt Grandma would have approved of me sending one of those big exterminators tents to my uncle's houses while they're all at work...
First, I considered driving the 1500 or so miles to leave a bag of flaming dog poop on my uncle's front porch, but dismissed that as a touch juvenile. Well, that and I realized that if I really wanted to do that, I have agents in place that can do it for me without having to drive further than across the room to my cell phone. Agents who I can disavow knowledge of should the need arise. (best kind of agents... heh heh heh)
Then I calmed down slightly and called The coolest girl in the world, (yes, I am cool enough that I have the coolest girl in the world's phone number... but it ain't like that, so don't playa hate, y'all.) Who suggested mailing the offending parties a dead squirrel or two via third class mail. This was a great idea, (she is the coolest girl in the world, after all) but I get ill to my stomach just disposing of a mouse trap, much less while mailing a dead furry mammal.
During our conversation, she said something that has been ringing around my brain ever since.... "Perhaps it's time to enact some of the more elaborate revenge schemes you've come up with over the years, Rob."
I'm not a vengeful sort, folks... but I do believe that the universe has its own way of keeping itself just. If that includes, say, an anonymous tip to the authorities saying that you saw a number of dead hookers in the trunk of your next-door neighbor's brand new car that he insists on parking in your parking space every day, well then that was what the universe needed to balance itself.
In the spirit of such, I have often been called upon as a consultant in the fine art of getting even over the years. Many of my best laid plans have never come to fruition, as it's been my experience that a lot of time the vengeful person feels better by only to planning the vengeance... not the actually going through with it.
Completely dismantling an a**holes car and leaving the pieces around the city, then leaving him a map with the location of the parts is a lot more fun to plan than do. The thought of walling up all the entrances to the school newspaper with bricks and mortar because they published an unflattering picture is worth a laugh or two, but is really difficult to do without getting caught. Scaring the bejeusus out of a teacher that gets on your case for not doing your homework with what amounts to a big toy ray gun would be cool... but might also be good for a talk with the department of homeland security.
It's really very simple, folks... Imagination + Dark Humor= Great vengeance schemes + catharsis.
Anyway... as a result, many of my more elaborate schemes have sat on the shelf for many years. Some I admit to being impractical, like turning someone's prized in ground pool into a large vat of jello is really difficult if you don't have acess to the property, or a way to cool the jello down to gelling temperature.
Some are simply not financially viable, like sending as many animal performers and spacewalks to a bachelor's home, (with the understanding that to be paid, they must stay at this location) at various times throughout the day under the guise of a fictitious children's party being held there.
He, he, he. I defy anyone not to go ballistic by the time the llamas get there.
So, maybe I'll just content myself that I could come up with a daring and appropriate revenge scheme for now. After all, there is a slim chance that I will eventually run into these people at some god-awful family event, so I probably shouldn't do anything. Maybe I'll just leave it to Dad to mete out whatever retribution he feels appropriate. In fact, I'm gonna call him tonight to let him know I've got his back... maybe he'll feel better if we plan us some "revenge we'll never go through with" too.
Plus that, when I think about it... I doubt Grandma would have approved of me sending one of those big exterminators tents to my uncle's houses while they're all at work...
Monday, May 14, 2007
a bad weekend.
As many of you know, I was having a rough week last week. Flat tires, bad luck, feeling just generally down… and I was looking forward to the weekend in an “at least it will be over then” kind of way. Heh… Little did I know what drama the weekend would send hurtling in my direction. I swear, I’m starting to feel a little like Karma’s chew toy. I’ve been sitting at my computer for a few hours trying to think of a good way to sum up all the thoughts storming through my brain about the events that have hit my life, and I totally need to write about it.
Part of me wonders if I should even post this, as it goes into a bit more detail about me and mine than I am generally comfortable posting here…
I think it all boils down to three conversations… two that were kinda (censored) up, and the other that was really, really (censored) up. Here they are (in snippets) for those of you that want the dish on the real messed stuff that’s bothering me, go ahead and skip to the third conversation…
Biscuit: Hey, Rob… I wanted to let you know that Charity’s in the Hospital again.
Me: I wish I could say I’m surprised. What happened?
B: Well, you know how she moved in with her boyfriend, right?
Me: The one with the self-esteem issues, yeah.
B: well, apparently she stopped taking her medication.
Me: Quelle Surprise. So, what did she do?
B: She threw a bucket at him.
Me: A bucket of what?
B: I don’t know… but he called me to ask what he should do.
Me: So you told him to learn to duck, right?
B: (not reacting to the joke) No. I told him I didn’t know. He called 911 and had the police take her to the hospital.
Next came when I made the obligatory phone call to Charity’s mom.
Charity’s mom: So, you heard.
Me: Yeah, Biscuit told me.
CM: How the heck did she know?
Me: Charity’s new man told her.
CM: Her, but not me until the hospital realized they had no place to put her.
Me: Uh… what?
CM: I only found out last night. The folks at the hospital say that there are no beds anywhere in south
Me: WHAT?
CM: There’s a mental health crisis going on here, Rob! They have no where to put her, and have been keeping her in the emergency room for the past three days!
Me: Lovely.
The last one had thankfully, nothing to do with Charity, but was the single most F’ed up phone call I believe I have ever gotten. I’ll let y’all decide for yourselves. It was on Mother’s day, when my Brother called me for what I thought was his usual “don’t forget to call mom” call. (I never forget to call, but Jay always calls anyway… such is the nature of my relationship with my brother)
Jay: Hi, Rob…
Me: Relax. I’m gonna call her. How’s your play going? Were the reviews good? How was…
J: Robbie, shut up for a second.
Me: what’s wrong?
J: Grandma Cerio passed away.
Me: Oh, man. When’s the funeral?
J: It was on
Me: WHAT? Why didn’t Dad call me to tell me? I would have come up, or at the least sent flowers!
J: Robbie, he didn’t know.
Me: WHAT!?!
J: Mom found out today, from Aunt Vita (Mom’s godmother) who saw the Obituary and asked her about it. Mom was pissed she hadn’t been told like you were just now. So she calls Dad, only to find out that he didn’t know. None of his brothers thought to call him and tell him.
Me: Jay, that is the single most (Censored) up thing I’ve ever heard.
J: Tell me about it.
Me: Those (censored, censored, censoredy-censored) pieces of (censored censored) monkey (censored)! Didn’t they think he’d want to (censored) know his mother died? What the (censored) is wrong with those (censored) people!?!
J: You’re preaching to the choir.
Me: I know…Jay, just promise me one thing…
J: What?
Me: No matter what happens between us in the future, if one of our parents dies, you’ll TELL ME!
J: Agreed. We’re not them, bro…we’re not them. Call Dad when you have a minute.
Me: Right.
I did call Dad later… not really knowing what to say. I’m not used to hearing that much pain in his voice, but I offered to be there if he needed to talk about it, and to call and curse out certain select members of his family any time he asks. What else could I say? What else can I do?
It was a truly F’ed up weekend.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Having a bad day? Not with Chuck Norris...
I'm having another bad day.
This morning, I walked out of my house to go to work and find I had a flat tire. I go to fix the tire with the can of fix-a-flat I keep in the trunk for just such an emergency, and the top of the can ruptures, spraying liquid latex over me, the car, the house, and half a block of sidewalk. I borrowed a can of the stuff from a neighbor that heard me cursing extremely loudly, filled the tire, and then drove into nothing but traffic from my house to the door of the factory.
Being that Karma has decided to make me it's bitch, I'm thinking I must have done something really horrible while sleepwalking, cause damned if I can think of anything I did while conscious to deserve the week I'm having.
Anyway, It was a slower day at work today, so I found myself browsing a site filled with Facts about Chuck Norris. Dave has a t-shirt with a number of these on them, but there were a full eight pages of ones I'd never heard of before. I laughed myself silly for twenty minutes.
Among my favorites:
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
This morning, I walked out of my house to go to work and find I had a flat tire. I go to fix the tire with the can of fix-a-flat I keep in the trunk for just such an emergency, and the top of the can ruptures, spraying liquid latex over me, the car, the house, and half a block of sidewalk. I borrowed a can of the stuff from a neighbor that heard me cursing extremely loudly, filled the tire, and then drove into nothing but traffic from my house to the door of the factory.
Being that Karma has decided to make me it's bitch, I'm thinking I must have done something really horrible while sleepwalking, cause damned if I can think of anything I did while conscious to deserve the week I'm having.
Anyway, It was a slower day at work today, so I found myself browsing a site filled with Facts about Chuck Norris. Dave has a t-shirt with a number of these on them, but there were a full eight pages of ones I'd never heard of before. I laughed myself silly for twenty minutes.
Among my favorites:
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
The
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Hope y'all have brightened your day:)
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Kahunah sans legendary "comedic timing"....
Today has been a very strange and troubling day. All day I have felt “out of sync” with my surroundings… I don’t know what triggered it, but it’s annoying as hell feeling like I’m exactly three seconds behind the rest of the universe.
I don’t handle being annoyed real well, folks. Tends ta make me grumpy. The grumpiness in turn, gives me a strange sort of detachment that prompts me to use phrases like “not if there were exploding flying monkeys involved”.
Despite my three second lag, I did find the time… three seconds too late though, cause she wasn’t there.
The thing is, there were a bunch of offline messages waiting for me when I logged on. Normally I would delete them, as I’m not particularly interested in checking out nude pics of various women in compromising pictures or what they did this week with their sorority sisters. Okay, maybe I am a little interested… but I am also at work, folks; If I think chatting at work is abuse, well then porn on the company dime is a definite no-no.
Anyway, normally I would delete them, but I noticed a few mixed in there from people I knew, so I read them this time.
Apparently, about three months or so ago I got some fan mail about my blog over Yahoo from a 30ish woman that lives in
Monday, May 07, 2007
Okay... the universe is still a right and just place...
Early reviews over on Ain't it Cool say that the Geico Cavemen Pilot stinks like a Wooly Mammoth that hasn't had the benefit of refrigeration.
Writers everywhere may now take their heads out of the noose.
Writers everywhere may now take their heads out of the noose.
It's another Meme Monday....
Culled from Manic Monday:
Well, let’s see… 33 years or so ago, I was 4 years old, and entering Pre-K. (jeeze… there are countries in eastern Europe that didn’t last for 33 years.) I’m continually amazed that my photographic memory actually works back that far, but what I remember most was standing in line in a big blue hallway behind a cute little brunette girl while my Mom argued with some blonde haired lady about something I simply had no interest in. I remember the little girl turning around and smiling at me, and I remember her eyes were a deep shade of brown.
Have you ever attended a high school or college reunion? What was it like?
I tend to avoid reunions because the people I would want to talk to at them I’ve kept in touch with anyway. Plus that, when your high school graduating class consists of internet moguls and Nobel Prize nominees, you feel like a bit of a loser with a sales job that barely pays the rent.
Do you keep in regular contact with anyone from high school and/or college?
Yes, I do. I talk to or see almost all my close friends from college at least once a month, and have a friend from high school I call about once every two months. It’s a little strange, but I actually re-connected with a lot of folks from my high school/teenage years after Hurricane Katrina. (Most contacted me because they were worried I may have drowned or something.)
From Curious as a Cat:
If you had to explain the concept of religion to someone from another planet, how would you do it?
In science, we are taught to ask “why?” until everything is explained… drilling down into the core of the origin of everything. When you get to the point in your questions where science no longer can provide the answers, religion and faith take over.
Which one of your senses do you use the most? The least?
I use my vision the most I suppose I look at everything from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. For the least, it’s probably (sadly) my sense of touch.
What event from your teen years would you like to relive just as it happened?
My fondest memories of my teen years are of hanging out after school in lower
Friday, May 04, 2007
From the Drew Spiehler school of child-rearing...*
Remember folks... spare the duct tape, spoil the child.*for those of you that don't get this joke... My buddy Drew had a habit in college of solving the annoying habits of his roommate, Ringo with duct tape. Charity and I walked in after one such incident to find Ringo taped quite skillfully to a large floor lamp. Charity said to me "Why is taped to a lamp? Should we help him?" to which I replied "No. He probably deserved it."
Edited to add: I'm reasonably sure Drew would never do this to Ace. Well, at least not until he's a little older anyway...
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Tuning up your life
Over on Trading Up, I am off to a rousing start in my quest for a boat, and I couldn't be happier.
Ya see, I have had some time to think lately... (a side effect of my lack of a social life) and I've decided that my life needs an overhaul. Don't get me wrong... I'm genuinely thankful for all that I've been blessed with... but it occurs to me that my life isn't really the one that I want. Inside me, there is a half-crazy (well, some would say all-crazy) bohemian gypsy that longs to express himself. Society has pushed on me the idea that happiness lies in stability, safety, and family... but that isn't me, and I doubt it ever will be.
When I was with my wife, I never really felt whole. Char made me very, very happy (before her illness), but there was always part of me that felt... chained... by the whole prospect of settling down. I would routinely ignore the part of me screaming leave it all behind, buy a Harley, and spend my life exploring this wonderous planet we all share.
I'm not saying I'm gonna pack it up and wander through the west like Kane from Kung-fu, but as I start staring down the barrel of 40, I realize that the Crazed Gypsy inside me needs some time in the sun. My soul demands it!
And who am I to argue with my soul?
So, I've identified a few things that I feel that this other half of me needs... one is to travel more, which is one of the reasons that I've said that all the trades for 'Trading up' will be made in person. Another is that like all good bohemians, I feel the need to express myself through music, so I will learn to play a musical instrument if it freaking kills me. There are a few others, but it's all about the baby steps, people.
Ya see, I have had some time to think lately... (a side effect of my lack of a social life) and I've decided that my life needs an overhaul. Don't get me wrong... I'm genuinely thankful for all that I've been blessed with... but it occurs to me that my life isn't really the one that I want. Inside me, there is a half-crazy (well, some would say all-crazy) bohemian gypsy that longs to express himself. Society has pushed on me the idea that happiness lies in stability, safety, and family... but that isn't me, and I doubt it ever will be.
When I was with my wife, I never really felt whole. Char made me very, very happy (before her illness), but there was always part of me that felt... chained... by the whole prospect of settling down. I would routinely ignore the part of me screaming leave it all behind, buy a Harley, and spend my life exploring this wonderous planet we all share.
I'm not saying I'm gonna pack it up and wander through the west like Kane from Kung-fu, but as I start staring down the barrel of 40, I realize that the Crazed Gypsy inside me needs some time in the sun. My soul demands it!
And who am I to argue with my soul?
So, I've identified a few things that I feel that this other half of me needs... one is to travel more, which is one of the reasons that I've said that all the trades for 'Trading up' will be made in person. Another is that like all good bohemians, I feel the need to express myself through music, so I will learn to play a musical instrument if it freaking kills me. There are a few others, but it's all about the baby steps, people.
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