Tuesday, February 07, 2006

More about the love life... You wish!

As many of you know, I avoid posts about my love life in these pages. There are a number of bullshit reasons I give for this… “a gentleman never tells”, “my mom reads my blog”, “gotta keep the PG rating”, etc.

As I say, all absolute bullshit. The real reason that I don’t post anything about relationships in my blog is because women confuse the hell out of me. I know, nothing new that the war between the sexes is misunderstood by both sides, but hear me out. Women REALLY confuse me. And I’m not talking the “lost in a crowded shopping mall near the orange Julius” kinda confusion. I’m talking the “lost in outer Mongolia after taking the right turn at Albuquerque, New Mexico” kinda confusion.

That, and all the women I know read my blog.

For example: Let’s say “Bob” starts dating “Cindy”. He posts it on his “bobspot.com”, cause he’s happy he’s dating “Cindy”. Little does “Bob” know that his sharing of said happiness sets in motion a chain of events. “Bob’s” psycho ex-wife, “Faith” is reading it and plotting ways to kill his pet groundhog, “Ted”. “Bob’s” close friend, “Margie” reads it and starts getting inexplicably jealous. “Cindy” reads it, and is pissed at poor “Bob” for letting the world know that they even know each other, much less are involved. “Trixie” calls “Bob” to chew him out a bit for not telling her before putting it on the blog, “Linda” calls and asks if “Cindy” has a sister. “Bob’s” mother calls and asks why hasn’t she gotten to meet this “Cindy”, even though she lives 1500 frickin miles away. “Louise” reads it and doesn’t let “Bob” ask her out because he is “taken”. In the chat rooms, women stop flirting with “Bob”, and word spreads like wildfire across the globe to women of all races and nationalities that “Bob” is now taken.

Meanwhile, the torrid affair between “Bob” and “Cindy” lasted all of three days, and “Ted” died suspiciously after failing to see his shadow, or the cross town bus right behind it.

Now, dear reader… where does this leave “Bob”? Lonely, and with no way to safely dispose of a rotting groundhog carcass. He considers a pet cemetery, but remembers what happened in the movies, and the last thing he figures he needs is a Zombie groundhog.

The above story is pure fiction of course, (I have no Zombie groundhog, I assure you) but it illustrates my point. Blogging is not without its risks… dating a blogger doubly so. I liken it to being friends with a comedian. Sooner or later, you’re gonna do something stupid, and it’s gonna wind up in his night club act. Now, if the Comic is sensitive about this, he winds up telling jokes about airline food and the price of gas, and never mentions his relationships at all.

Guess I’m just that kinda Comic.


dreamwalker said...

:D An excellent post that has leaves me in no doubt of your confusion...it certainly confused the hell out of me!

(...and I think a zomboid groundhog would be kinda cool?)

Melinda Barton said...

Trust me, my friend, being a woman makes them no easier to understand. I think that there's some weird rule about "keeping the mystery alive" or something. Well, I'm not a darn private detective, so screw the mystery! Anyway, does she have a sister?

happy2sing said...

You make some excellent points about the dangers of blogging. Being a brand new blogger, I only recently recognized these problems when something funny happened to me but then I realized that I can't blog about it because that might hurt a friend's feelings. It was sort of a revelation to me that all my stories need to be filtered from somebody -- I didn't appreciate how much editing I do for people. So, I blogged about that instead and referenced your post. Thought you might want to know you got a link -- woohoo, you're famous!