Monday, April 30, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Well, in my never ending quest to improve my financial solvency... I decided to open my own little section of Zazzle. For those of you that don't know about the site, Zazzle is a neat little site that lets you make your own t-shirt slogans and offer them for sale to the public.
Originally, I went to this site simply because I've always wanted a shirt that says "So, do you like fat guys with no money?" I looked around the site a bit, and realized that there are surprisingly few t-shirts that express any sort of pride in being fat.
This, I figured, had to rectified.
So I tried to think of every funny thing I could to describe being fat, and put them onto a variety of reasonably priced t-shirts available now for your purchasing pleasure. Keep in mind, they make great gifts for the fat man in your life (even should that fat man be me) and are suitable for almost any occasion. Tell all your friends, neighbors and acquaintances to tell their friends, neighbors and acquaintances about how they simply must have one of these super clever shirts. Also, tell them to sign up to be my friend on the site, so they will get updates every time I come up with a new one. :)
Oh, and should you see any beautiful women wearing the "I dig fat guys" T, please give them my phone number.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
I have never been more dissapointed in my life. Gone are the "so big it's scary" seafood plates. Gone are the hand-drawn menus. Gone is the rustic charm of boiling seafood and tin buckets of beer. (sniff) For those that remember it, the new Jeager's is far more like the short lived "Andrew Jeager's House of Seafood" that operated in the french Quarter a few years ago. It's way more full of itself, and far less relaxed than it should be. (sniff, sniff)
This week, I am in Houston. On business. I don't mind the time to spend in the car driving, but the actual business of a business trip is a little annoying... especially since I'm not sleeping well. I keep having this recurring nightmare that someone I had a falling out with long ago is furious with me, and screaming and crying at me at the same time. I don't think that this person is the type to be like that... but it still wakes me up at night, and won't go away.
I'm a big believer in the whole "collective unconcious" theory that we are all somehow linked in a way that we can't always percieve... part of me genuinely wonders if my Id is picking up on something that I'm not aware of to the point where I was ready to call this person and just ask if they were in fact, pissed off at me.
Then I realized exactly how crazy that sounds. It's probably just my subconcious screwing with me, right?
Good thing I chickened out.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Dave and Rob walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Dave orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Rob goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Rob! How are you? Hey everybody! Rob's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Rob. After everyone has greeted him, Dave and Rob sit down and begin to eat.
"Rob, you're pretty popular!" says Dave. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Rob.
"Now Rob," says Dave, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."
"Oh yeah," Rob replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"
"That so?" answers Dave, "How about the President of the United States?"
"Its on, brother! Let's go" says Rob.
The two fly to Washington and get to the front gate of the White House. The secret service guy at the gate greets Rob with a warm handshake and waves them through. They go up and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Rob! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
"That was luck!" says Dave, "Two thousand says you're not friends with the Queen of England!"
"It's your money, buddy." says Rob, "Let's go!"
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, after a few laughs with the palace guards are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Robert my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Dave says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"
"I'm almost tired of taking your money dude, but I guess you just need to see for yourself!" says Rob, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Rob instructs Dave to wait outside and Rob will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Rob, when the Pope came out, Rob's arm was wrapped around him. Rob looks down from the balcony and sees Dave passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Dave! Dave! Wake up!" Dave opens his eyes and says,
"Rob. You're the most popular man in the world."
"I told you that Dave," says Rob, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Dave. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Rob?"
Monday, April 09, 2007
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Problem is that the woman behind the wheel of the other pickup truck had no licence, no insurance, and gave a false name to the police (who were sitting next to us at the light). The woman whose car was totaled is now screwed. The rear end was caved in to the back seat, and the headlights were pushed up into her radiator from being slammed into us. With two payments to go.
I feel badly for her, but all I could think to myself was "Thank god we weren't in my Buick."
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Occasionally, I get these ideas for blog entries that seem pretty funny… so I write them down. When the time comes to actually fill the screen with line after line of brilliant comical prose however, these ideas fall a little short. I cite the following examples…
1) I bought a Darth Vader Pez dispenser this weekend at a yard sale. I’ve been chuckling to myself ever since that my candy now is guarded by the power of the Force, and Lauren pointed out how cool it is that my Pez now comes from the dark side of the Force. I considered changing a few Vader quotes to reflect the sheer power of my new toy, but the best I came up with was:
“I find your lack of Pez disturbing.”
I may use the line at the next con as I distribute Pez to the masses with it.
2) Every day on my way to work, I pass a sign for a restaurant that says “World’s Healthiest Pizza”… and every day, it strikes me that that’s a little like being the world’s least pregnant mother-to-be.
Wait… just thought of another one: “The Force is strong with this Pez.”
3) Two Romanian engineers arrived at the plant today to install a new machine for us. Both are named Victor. I think I may have to see if they have a reflection in the mirror.
“Come over to the dark side… together, we will have Pez.”
4) Over the weekend I worked at the company’s booth at the New Orleans Home and Garden show. There I ran into a bunch of people I knew… which is really, really unusual for me. In NYC, that just never happens… and here in the big easy, I haven’t lived here long enough to have an extended network of people I would run into. In any event… one of these people was someone I’ve been trying to avoid (for reasons I won’t go into here) and truly the last person I expected to see that day. I was civil, pleasant and all that stuff… but the entire time I felt like I was gonna hurl. Is that normal?
“The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of Pez.”
5) Yesterday, I found out the name of the cute waitress that brings me my breakfast at the diner I go to. Her name is Faith, and it got me thinking… How ironic is it that I am attracted to women named after virtues (3 Faiths so far, 2 Hopes, and of course my ex-wife Charity) yet I am named after a sin? (Rob, in this case meaning ‘steal’)
“If you only knew the power of the dark Pez.”
6) Angelina Jolie is working on adopting yet another baby form yet another third-world country. (
7) Dad's surgery apparently went well. His roomate was certain of this because my Father is passing gas like a champ.
Like I say... all comical thoughts and observations... none that you can get more than a paragraph out of though. :)
Monday, April 02, 2007
You see, to me a good hoax is one that people will be talking about for decades... like Orson Wells' infamous "War of the Worlds" broadcast. It also shouldn't be on April Fool's day, because that's when people would be expecting it. It should be simple enough for anyone to understand what has 'happened' ("Omigod! The quantum matrix point of the underlying space-time matrix has cramps! We're all gonna die!" won't cut it) and it should be self sustaining (calling all crackpots.... time to come out of the woodwork and say 'we're all gonna die!'). At the same time, it shouldn't cause a panic... like some of these did. Ultimately, the best hoaxes are ones where people will speculate weither or not it was actually a hoax for years to come.