Friday, December 28, 2007

The last Meme of the year...

Culled from RPP’s Blog, just before Melinda tagged me for it anyway…

The 2007 meme- What you do is take the first sentence of the first post of each month for the whole year… doing so will cause you to see some great revalation and enlighten your way into being one with the bloggosphere or something. I don’t know. It still sounded cool, though… so here goes:

January- Apparently, we have a bit of a situation here in southeast louisiana... the entire half of the state is slowly sliding into the gulf of Mexico like a very lazy avalanche.

February- Culled from the Back Porch: The Thursday Thresome is a weekly meme of three silly but related questions... enjoy!

March- WARNING: This blog entry may not be suitable for children. Parental discretion is advised.

April- As many of you know, it is one of my lifelong goals to pull off a sensational hoax.

May- Over on Trading Up, I am off to a rousing start in my quest for a boat, and I couldn't be happier.

June- A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

July-This clip is enough to make me buy this product immediately, and a box for everyone I know.

August- I’ve got a fever that only a Play-Doh Cowbell can cure.

September- Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year.

October- I hate being sick.

November- For those of you that don't know, November is National Blog Posting Month.

December- I did it!!!!

My Great revelation: I joke around a lot.

Wait, that’s no revelation. I feel gypped. :(

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Fun with photoshop...

A few people have asked me about the photoshop web site I mentioned last week, Worth 1000. Specifically, they wanted to know what kind of stuff I have produced for their contests...

the first one I entered was "stained glass 3" which was to create a stained glass window you'd never see in a church... I like the way it came out, but I don't think I got the face to look glassy enough. The next one was "out of their environment" for which I put a cow on a glacier...
The next one I entered was "soap bubble world" which had you replace any element of an image with a soap bubble... the hot air balloon seemed an obvious choice...

The most recent one I entered asked you to add extra limbs or appendages to any image, thus the giraffapede:I have more, but Blogger only lets me post so much at a time... I think I've gotten better over time, tho...

Sweeter...

Optimus Prime!
Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Although I would have been more psyched if I was Gigantor...

How dumb am I?

Like, I'm real dumb. Totally!

Quoth the web quiz: "If you're lucky, your abject stupidity will become the stuff of legend. For decades to come, people will recall how you ran into a lamppost at your cousin's barbecue, or how you brought the world to the brink of nuclear war by peeing into Jiang Zemin's bidet.

Not that you know who Jiang Zemin is. Or what a bidet is. Fool."
Insert obligatory potatoe reference here
How Dumb Are You?
A Rum and Monkey stupidity.

Sweeet.

I'm Joshua Abraham Norton, the first and only Emperor of the United States of America!
Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

I really wish I could say I'm surprised...

We interrupt this broadcast....

For the following Movie Trailer.

I am so there.

Monday, December 24, 2007

A very geeky Christmas- part 12- Norad tracking santa...

For those of you that don't know, NORAD tracks Santa's trip around the world using the latest satellite technology to follow Rudolph's nose. Short Stuff and I have been checking on his progress every few hours, but when we saw that St, Nick had hit Mexico, we decided that Short stuff and Pint size needed to be in bed.

For those of you that have never heard the story, a department store in Colorado accidentally printed a NORAD phone number as a "Santa hot line" one holiday season. As a result, hundreds of kids called NORAD instead of the recording the store had set up. Rather than be grumpy about it, the NORAD staff told each child that called that they were tracking Santa's sleigh, and it was heading their way soon. NORAD volunteers have done the same thing every year since.

Now, I have a date on the sofa with Silverfox and some egg nog while we watch the fire burn low... But to all that read these words, May your Christmas find you wherever you are, and may you have as much Joy and Peace this holiday season as you desire.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

A very geeky Christmas- part 11- Klingon Christmas carols...

Just so you know, the University of Saint Paul, Minnesota did s complete adaptation of "a Christmas Carol" in Klingon this year... But in the pots title, I really mean Christmas Carols that Klingons would sing.

The Klingon Christmas Song
("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire....")

Phasers flashing in the depths of space,
Ripping up an airtight hull;
Signs of fear on you enemy's face,
And life-support signs reading null!
Ev'rybody knows a Romulan's a spineless foe
Who lacks the Klingon will to fight!
Phaser beams set his torso aglow --
He'll find it hard to breathe tonight!

He knows that Gowron's on his way
And soon he'll be the object of the verb "to slay"!
And ev'ry slinking Rom and Pakled spy
Will soon be the subject of the verb "to die"!

And so, I'm offering this simple threat
To Feds, and all those Cardies, too:
You'll be as dead as a life-form can get --
Merry Christmas to you!


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Klingon Beast of Burden
Translated by Nick Nicholas

ghIch Doq ghaj wa' 'er *ru'Dov*.
bochqu' ghIchDaj 'e' vIDIS.
chaq 'ervam leghchugh neH vay',
"wewqu' ghIchvam" jatlhu'nIS.
HaghtaH 'ej reH luvaqtaH
'ermey latlh Hoch, bejtaHDI'.
'er Quj vay' jeS-choH *ru'Dov*,
chIch reH 'e' lu-tuch naSwI'!

qaSSI' *QISmaS* 'eng ram nung,
'a jatlh *SantatlhoS*:
"ghIch wewqu'wI' ru'DovwIj,
DujwIj'e' DaHjaj HIchIj!"

tugh jupDaj DachoH 'ermey.
Quchqu'choH 'ej jach 'er Hoch:
"ghIch Doq Daghajbogh *ru'Dov*,
quv'a'lIj'e' not wItlhoch!"

Saturday, December 22, 2007

A very geeky Christmas- part 10- the Star Wars holiday special

I have been a Geeky Christmas guy for a very long time. While moving into the new digs, I came across my "Christmas in the stars" album. It was a record of Star-Wars themed christmas songs like the immortal "What do you buy a wookie when he already has a comb?". I don't really know what disturbed me more... the fact that I had this album or the fact that it was on Compact Disc.

I'll just let that sink in for a minute...

The other great Geek Christmas memory I have is the "Star Wars Christmas Special" that only aired once in 1978. I remember it vividly, but it was never re-released (Lucas was embarrassed by it). Fortunately, through the magic of the internet and Youtube...

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 9- Geeky Christmas Movies

From my favorite photoshop contest site, Worth 1000... Christmas Movies I would soooo be there for...


A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 8- Geeky christmas carols

I'll be Cloned for Christmas

(To The Tune "I'll be Home for Christmas")

I'll be Cloned for Christmas,
There’ll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
And One just for Parties.

Christmas Eve, I'm certain,
I won't be alone;
I'll be home for Christmas,
Or else I'll send a Clone!

Happily addicted to the Web

(To The Tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"

With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
I just play WOW, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday, they drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web

I'm happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ily, ad-dict-ed to the Web!!!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Friday, December 14, 2007

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 3

For those of you that may be confused, I found the following diagram on the internet...Now, I will be visiting houses between now and Christmas to make sure that the trees are up to specs....

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 2

I came across a NASA interview with Santa, where he discusses expansion of his Christmas Eve run to other planets in our solar system.

(Sorry for the brevity of posts lately, still a little burnt out from NaBloPoMo.)

A Very Geeky Christmas.... Part 1

For all my New Orleans gamer friends, I came across Mr. Bingle's D&D specs...

Bingle
Tiny Fey

HD: 1d6 (3 hp)
Initiative: +6 (+3 Dex, +4 Improved Initiative)
Speed: 20 ft., fly 40 ft. (good)
AC: 14 (+1 size, +3 Dex, +1 natural)
Attacks: Snowball +5 melee (slam 1d4 x HD)
Face/Reach: 5 ft x 5 ft
Special Attacks: Hypnotize, Pleasant Warmth, Numbing Chill
Special Qualities: Ice Shape, Snow Patch, Water Form, Resistance to Cold
Saves: Fort +0, Refl +5, Will +3
Abilities: Str 7, Dex 16, Con 11, Int 12, Wis 13, Cha 17
Skills: Animal Empathy +7, Bluff +8, Craft (any one) +5, Hide +10*,
Listen +7, Perform (ice flute) +7, Search +3, Sense Motive +5, Spot +7
Feats: Dodge, Point Blank Shot (snowball)
Climate/Terrain: Any cold/snow
Organization: Solitary, gang (2-4), band (6-11), or tribe (20-80)
CR: 2
Treasure: Standard
Alignment: Neutral Good (usually)
Advancement: 2 HD (small), 3-5 HD (medium-size)
, 6 HD (large)

Bingles are sprites that dwell in cold climates and protect pristine
environments. They are not as reclusive as most fey, and are favored companions to
northern faerie creatures and arctic druids (i.e. familiars, protectors,
guides). While most bingles are commonly neutral good, or in a few cases
neutral, there have been unconfirmed reports of dark, neutral evil bingles.
A bingle has the appearance of a 1 ft. tall humanoid made of snow, whose
faerie wings are made of large holly leaves. The eyes of a bingle are turquoise
stones that lack pupils or lids, and the nose is a translucent ruby. Most
bingles prefer dark colored clothing, such as maroon vests and green tunics
(which are reluctantly discarded when trying to hide in snow). They often
wear hats, typically pointed, brown patchwork ones that have folded up edges.
Despite their cold nature, they are seldom without a pair of white mittens.
Most bingles are primarily vegetarian, but have been known to eat insects on
occasion.
Despite their androgynous outward appearance, bingles have male and female
members of their race. Bingle society is typical of a sprite.

COMBAT
Bingles rely on their hypnotic flute playing to dissuade enemies from
attacking, entering combat usually to protect themselves or their territory. If
this fails, the bingle can choose to throw a snowball that does no damage, and
instead causes Pleasant Warmth. Desperate bingles can throw a powerful
snowball slam that causes 1d4 points of damage per HD level (of the attacking
bingle), and an Numbing Chill.
The life force of a bingle is tied to its ruby nose. It its nose should
ever be forcibly removed or crushed, the bingle dies within 2d4 minutes.
Damaging the wings of a bingle causes no damage to the creature´s hit point total,
and both regenerate their form as a percentage of 24 hours. For example,
wings torn in half (50%) reform in 12 hours, whereas plucked wings take 24 hours
to regrow.

Hypnotize (Su): When a bingle ice flute plays, any non-sprite within 30
feet of the instrument must succeed a Will save (DC 15) or be affected as
though by a hypnotize spell, as long as the playing continues.
Ice Shape (Su): Once a week a bingle can shape ice into any form it
desires, up to 1 cubic foot per HD.
Numbing Chill (Su): Following a snowball slam, the bingle can use this
ability to create a shivering, teeth-chattering, chilly feeling that engulfs
the target creature (up to size Large only). This muscle numbing attack
reduces Dexterity to 3 for 2d4 minutes. A Fortitude save (DC 15) is required to
avoid. If failed, a Constitution check is further required to avoid
frostbite (finger, toe, ear, or nose is lost).
Pleasant Warmth (Su): Following a successful snowball hit, the bingle can
use this ability to create a blissful, warm feeling that pacifies the target
creature. The blissful feeling causes the affected creature (up to size
Large only) to sit and do nothing for 1d4 minutes. The warmth aura protects the
target from cold (as the endure elements spell) for 2d4 minutes. A Will save
(DC 15) is required to avoid.
Resistance to Cold (Ex): A bingle ignores the first 10 points damage
of a cold attack.
Snow Patch (Su): This ability allows a bingle to heal half of the damage of
inflicted upon its person, simply by applying snow to its wounds (requires 1
action).
Water Form (Su): This ability allows a bingle to reshape its body into an
amorphous water form for 1 minute per hit point, equivalent to a water
elemental of the same HD as the bingle.
Skills: Bingles receive a +5 racial bonus to Hide checks while in a
snow-covered environment (presuming not wearing clothes).

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Party on, silvefox.

here we see silverfox teaching a little girl how to line dance. My baby is apparently quite adept at 'strokin'. I could make the obvious dirty joke here, but she'd kill me.

Well that was anti-climactic.

while everyone was arguing about if they should turn out the lights, the guest of honor walked in another door. I have never seen anyone less surprised. His heart was never in any danger.

A good idea.

this is silverfox at a former co-workers birthday party. The man is a heart attack survivor, and it's a surprise party. Should be interesting.

Woo-Hoo!


I did it!!!! a post (or more) a day for the entire month! I'm bushed.

Friday, November 30, 2007

In the end....

Last night, I had a talk with my friend Ray about what today's post should be about... Today, after all is a day of many endings for me. It's the end of Hurricane season, the end of NaBloPoMo, and my last day of "residency" at my Seguin Street apartment. It's a time of new beginnings in my life, and both Ray and I agreed that this post would probably be a bittersweet, melancholy one of change, growth and the different roles we find ourselves in at various points in our lives.

Then I saw this web page, and found that I had to write about it.

For those of you unwilling or unable to follow the link and see for yourselves, this website advertises a product called the "Flatulence Deodorizer" which is an air freshener that you place over your butt to filter your farts.

As if this wasn't enough to make me giggle uncontrollably for an hour, there are testimonials that attest to the effectiveness of the product. The first one, of a man that says his flatus is enough "to pressurize a plane" literally had tears in my eyes. There are also cryptic references to "activated charcoal underwear" throughout these pages, which I assume must be the Flatulence Deodorizer's biggest competitor. Other testimonials include cubicle dwellers and bean lovers (go figure).

I think I need to buy some stock in this company, if only to say to people with a straight face that I have a vested interest in flatulence futures.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Arrrgh... tis the season, ya know...

Time for some comedy 101 people... can anyone out there tell me what exactly makes this cartoon funny enough for milk to come out of my nose?

I see no hands... I guess it's up to me. Now, you might think that the elven pirates with quizzical looks on their faces make it funny... after all, short people (as a rule) are pretty funny... but no, that ain't it. A look at the caption "Yo HO HO and a bottle of egg nog"? No... that just sells the joke. Maybe the juxtaposition of a beloved holiday icon with the ruthlessness of the pirate? No again.

It's funny cause Santa has a peg-leg, and the parrot has an eyepatch. Handicapped people are always funny.

That's right, folks... I'm gettin nothing but coal in my stocking.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Some funny on a wednesday...

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.

The scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet.

So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."

The scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."

So the scientist cut off his last leg. He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Ho, ho, ho.

The coolest christmas decoration ever now sits on my desk. It bounces up and down on hydraulics, and plays lowrider. Does silverfox know me or what? :)

Monday, November 26, 2007

To get everyone in the spirit of the season...

AOL television has a quiz up about great moments in holiday TV specials... I got 8 out of 10.

Looking forward to my first Christmas with Silverfox and the kids... I hope to find the time to decorate the condo this weekend while listening loudly to "Dominick the donkey" over and over again. Nothing like that song to get me in the spirit of the season...

What do y'all do to get your Christmas on?

Sunday, November 25, 2007

some funny on a sunday...

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Well, it was quite a day....

This year's fryday was truly a thing of wonder... at least 25 people showed up to behold its crispy, golden brown goodness. It was strange having so many coming to enjoy this "holiday" that Stacey and I started on a whim, but at the same time I was so proud.

The big hit (as always) were the fried snickers bars, but other dishes of note included the from scratch Mozerella sticks (props to javafoofoo on the prep work), the fried ravioli, and the calzones. Disappointments included deep fried spam-ka-bobs, deep fried cranberry sauce (Curse you, Paula Deen!) and the way-too-phallic-to-eat deep fried pizza. The big surprises were the deep fried nutter butter cookies and pumpkin pie, both of which were simply outstanding.

Afterward, we had a game of beerball with an earth-shattering 14 people... the most in action at any beerball matches thus far. Silverfox refereed the game with a little help from Short Stuff, and Stacey's Stompers routed Supermom's Storm by at least two touchdowns. I don't think anyone knew or cared what the final score was, because everyone was having so much fun.

I'll post in more detail once someone uploads some pictures.

Friday, November 23, 2007

T.G.I.F.

Thank God It's FRYDAY!!!!!!!!

Mmmmmm fried snickers bars.

More to come...

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Because yesterday's Funny was a repeat funny...

I gotta hand it to Stacey... she always calls me out when I repeat a joke. There is a very simple reason for why this sometimes happens... every time I run across a funny joke, I copy it to a word file on my computer, to later post into my "Funny on a..." posts. Sometimes I forget to delete the joke from the file, and I come across it a week or two later and say "hey! that's really funny!" and post it again.

The up side is that you, the reader, get to see which jokes really tickled my funny bone. The down side is that you already know the frickin punchline. It's an imperfect system in an imperfect world folks, but I will do my best to avoid such mistakes in the future. In the meantime, here's another joke to compensate for yesterday's absent-mindedness...

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Some funny on a tuesday...

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said,
"How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Monday, November 19, 2007

Knowing when to shut up.

There are few things worse to a writer than feeling like you have nothing to write about. There is a tremendous amount of pressure to produce when participating in things like NaBloPoMo, and some writers feel like they choke under the pressure.

But you see, that's not it at all...

Personally, I have always believed that my time that I'm not writing is what gives my writing such life and vitality, and I say this for two reasons... One, my down time is when new ideas begin to spring forth from the gestation period in the back of my brain, readying themselves to jump upon the page and stomp on whatever intellectual tokyo that gets in their way.

Two, I have always believed that the mark of a truly great writer is knowing when to end the story. I know that sounds kinda silly in our age of endless sequels and prequels but think about it... would Chinatown have had it's same impact if we followed Jake to go grab a beer afterward? Would Scarlett O'hara be the tragic figure she is if we were there to witness the downward spiral that we saw coming after Rhett leaves? Would The Princess Bride have stirred our emotions as heavily if we found out that the four of them were recaptured by the Florin army after Wesley and Buttercups kiss?

I could go on... but there seems little point. In fact, i probably should have ended that last paragraph a sentence earlier, and left off this sentence entirely :)

Sunday, November 18, 2007

I am very Tired...

But NaBloPoMo is a harsh mistress. I am determined to see a full 30 posts for the month of November if it kills me. Today, we did more moving-in related stuff. Buying bookshelves and the like... None of it really blogworthy... so instead, even though it's a Sunday night, I'm gonna answer three questions culled from the Manic Monday blog:

What is your least favorite day of the week and why? I have a lot of trouble with Wednesdays, for some reason... It's the one day of the week I feel like I'm consistently ten minutes behind the rest of the universe.

What's the best way to end the day? Snuggled up with someone you care about between cool sheets.

Which animal would you have left out of the ark? I have no particular love for the Dwarf Cassowary, and they don't taste very good, so I guess they would have to go.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Actual Conversations...or... when geeks drink.

Ray and I were sitting at the bar before pub quiz the other night talking about Star Trek. For those of you that don't have terminally geeky Star Trek fans for friends, one of the topics that often comes up is "Least favorite episode" we go now to the conversation....

Me: obviously 'Spock's Brain'. An episode that's so bad, even heckling it seems too easy, somehow.

Ray: Nah. 'Requiem for Methuselah' has to be the worst one ever made.

Me: What? The one with the immortal guy? I like that episode!

Ray: Still the worst ever.

Me: Why?

Ray: Well, he's immortal, right?

Me: Yeah...

Ray: And he's been all these great men... Solomon, Alexander, Lazarus, Methuselah, Merlin, Brahms, Leonardo Da Vinci even...

Me: So?

Ray: Well, that's just silly. If Brahms was immortal, someone would have found him out. When you reach a certain level of fame, people start to document your background. We know where he grew up, we know where he learned to read music, and we know who his parents were.

Me: But if you were immortal, such things would be easy to fake.

Ray: I don't think so.

Me: Take Walter Cronkite... What do we really know about him that isn't what he's told us? He gained notoriety in his twenties, and everything before that is just his say so.

Ray: No... you see that's my point... people have looked into his background. They know where he went to high school... they've interviewed his relatives...

Me: No... they found a picture that could have been planted in a yearbook, and interviewed some old folks who claim to have raised him... both easily faked.

Ray: I'm sorry... there's no way Walter Cronkite could be an immortal, dude.

Me: Well, what about Dan Rather?

Ray: Oh, him... absolutely.

Friday, November 16, 2007

A signifigant side effect of living with my signifigant other...

My bed currently sports more than 12 pillows of varying size and density.

The bed in my bachelor pad had four, and that was counting my body pillow, and if I threw on an extra one for company.

Furthermore, I've noticed that despite having a far fuller schedule than I do, Silverfox finds the time to make the bed daily.

I swear, it's like living in the twilight zone.

Washyou mean I'sh too drunk ta blog...

Culled from my brother's blog:

92%DRUNKARD

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Some funny on a thursday....

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

A little about Fryday...

According to Stacey, Fryday is coming. It is inevitable, much like the changing of the seasons.

I am looking forward to Fryday Eve this year (also known as Thanksgiving) because I will get to sample turducken for the first time, (oh, and of course my first major holiday with Silverfox and the Kids.. :) ) But the entire time... my mind will be wandering to deep fried snickers bars and their other greasy cousins.

For those of you that haven't already clicked on Stacey's "archive of Frydays past" above, Fryday is a holiday invented by my friends and I when we realized we had a huge fryer and a gallon of oil left over from Thanksgiving... inventive people plus larger cooking equipment always equals good times. The concept seems to be growing in popularity, though. Stacey says the guest list is at 12, and growing. I swear, before long we're gonna need our own Wikipedia entry. (Fryday.com is sadly, already taken) I also think we need to look into sponsorship.
At work, several of my co-workers have been coming up to me for weeks with menu suggestions...

Among those I want to try to do this year:

Deep Fried calzones
Deep Fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches
Deep Fried chocolate stuffed strawberries
Deep Fried mac+cheese bars
Deep Fried twinkies
Deep Fried Ham and Cheese sandwiches
Deep Fried Ravioli
Deep Fried cranberry sauce

I think this year we may need two fry stations... one for the sweets, and one for the savories.

For those of you scattered about the country, I advise you to start your own Fryday celebrations this year... after all, what could be better than friends and fried food? Sure beats leftover turkey sandwiches.

Hmmm... deep fried turkey sandwiches...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Parenting, day 7... or, Sleep? Who needs sleep?

Important parenting tip: When you're sick with a cold, you mope a bit, beg your significant other to make you some chicken soup, and stay in bed. When your child is sick, They scream their freaking head off at the inconvenience of having to breathe through their mouth.

Pint Size is sick with a head cold. It wouldn't have been so bad had we realized this before we put him to bed last night... You see, I think he probably could have dealt with the whole "breathe through the mouth" thing, but having his nose clogged meant he couldn't drink out of his bottle easily, which meant he was not only sick, but hungry.

Yeah, at that point, I'd be screaming about it too. It was an ugly cycle. He'd cry, I'd get up and give him his bottle and sing to him a little (the kid loves my Barry Manilow medly... don't tell Silverfox.) Short Stuff would wake up from the noise, complaining that his brother is being bad, and demand to watch another cartoon of two, which would finally put him back to sleep. Pint Size would act content till I left the room, then chuck the bottle from his bunk, and start crying again cry again... I'd come in and get him his bottle, Short Stuff would wake up again, and the whole thing would go round and round like that. By the fifth time, I woke Silverfox.

"Pint Size won't sleep, and I've tried everything I know..." (admittedly not much... but there are only so many times I can sing 'Mandy'.) "I'd rather not be up all night playing fetch while he cries."

"Welcome to being a parent, Rob." She said, shuffling her way to the kids' room, "learn to love caffeine and B12."

I flopped into bed, exhausted, but could hear on the baby monitor that Silverfox wasn't having much more luck than I was. Finally, she brought him into our room so he wouldn't wake Short Stuff again.

Now, I have slept under some extreme circumstances... I've fallen asleep on the number 1 train, completely missing the turn at south ferry. I've nodded off in a stadium full of screaming fans rabid for Eric Clapton. I've slept through hurricanes, noreasters, nearby locomotives, and plane rides. None of them had anything on Pint Size's fit last night. Silverfox brought him to day care about an hour before I was supposed to wake up. I dozed off for ten minutes before Short Stuff came into my room complaining his room was too scary to turn on his video game, and he was also fairly certain it was almost time for school.

(Sigh)

Monday, November 12, 2007

Some funny on a Monday, I swear! It isn't midnight yet!

Yes, it's true that being faithful to NaBloPoMo is far more challenging than I thought... but here I am, tired and sweaty and about to flop into bed after a long, hard day of work, kids and television, when I realize I didn't post yet today... I rush out of my bedroom, down to the computer, (trying my darndest not to wake the kids... not easy to do when every step sounds like a four hundred pound explosion on the hardwood floors) just to get down here and realize I have nothing to say.

So, from the joke file...

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Todays' dose of actual converstaions....

"Actual conversations" is a new segment here on DOA, which will detail actual conversations from the Rob's life. (duh) Timing may be edited to make it slighty funnier, but will alway remain true to the gist of the actual exchange. Most names have been changed to protect the innocent.

In Shoneys, after Short Stuff had recieved a brand new Crayola Wonder Marker from the waitress, leading to the following exchange:

Me: Cool... so these Markers will only write on special paper and nothing else, Short Stuff.

Short Stuff: Does that mean they're Magic?

Me: Yep. They're also non toxic, non polluting, non mess making, and low in calories.

Short Stuff: Nuh-uh. They're high in Colories. This one is green.

The lady at the next table totally did a spit take at that one.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Self-centered survey saturday...

1. Are you smiling? As a matter of fact, I am.

2. Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with A or M? Yes I have if my mom counts...

3. What is irritating you now? My back itches, and I left my back scratcher at the old apartment.

4. When did you last eat pizza? Cold Pepperoni for breakfast, baby!

where is number 5? in an alternate dimension where the number 5 is actually spelled just like a "Q"

6. Do you have any friends who are famous? Famous, no. Infamous, yes.

7. Are you any good at poker? Good enough to keep my clothes on.

8. What do you want? I want for nothing, as I am rich in ways that matter. :)

9. Are you tired? Yep. Short Stuff keeps waking up saying "I'm hungry"

10. Do you love anyone? Yes, Silverfox and the two kids... but my heart is full of love for many of my fellow humans.

11. Pepsi or Coke? Coke and a smile, baby.

12. How many pets do you have?None.

13. Who's your #1 on your top and why? Silvefox cause she rocks my world.

14. What annoys you the most about your closest friends? very little, which is why they are my closest friends.

15. Taco Bell or McDonald's? MickeyD's unless the goal is explosive diareah

16. Last thing you said?"I need to go blog. it's Nablopomo!"

18. How many Abercrombie shirts do you own? None.

19. How many Myspace views do you have? 757 on Myspace, over 8000 on blogger.

20. Want to be a princess? only if I get the glass footwear.

21. Do you believe dreams come true? Only precognitive ones.

22. Do you like Walmart? No. it is the root of all evil, which they sell on aisle 5.

23. What's your biggest pet peeve? When you throw a kid across a room, and he just smiles and says "again!"

24. What are you listening to? "Move it" by the Madagasgar lemurs.

26. Who was the last person that told you they loved you? Silverfox

27. What was the last thing you ate? Pie and Ice Cream

28. What were you doing before this? Talikg with Ringo and Sondra about impotancy spells.

29. What is the closest item near you that is black? the computer desk.

30. What is the last IM you received? "Holy pete, sanatoriums are creepy"

32. What do you wear more, jeans or sweatpants? Jeans. No one wants to see a fat man in sweatpants.

33. Do you know how to build a fire? Yep. first you strike the match on the box...

34. What is your morning routine? Wake up, comb hair, struggle to get Short stuff into his uniform and take him to school.

35. Do you like Deer/Elk meat? Venison Jerky rules.

36.What was the last book you read? Working on the 4th Harry Potter book.

37. Favorite brand of jeans? Wrangler cause I'm one tough customer.

38. Favorite type of pudding? Chocolate.

40. Are you happy with where you are? Yep

41. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? depends on the situation.

42 Are you happy with yourself? Yep.

43. Do you want someone you can't have? Nope.

44. Who is your all-time favorite band? The Mighty Bosstones

45. What is your favorite breakfast food? Burger King's Enormous omelette sandwhich

46. Do you like the River or the Lake best? Lake.

47. What's your favorite flower? Bird of paradise

48. Hot dog or Hamburgers? Nathan's Famous Franks, baby.

49. Have you ever had athlete's foot? Sadly, yes.

50. What was the last thing you bought? Gas for the buick.

51. What color is your car/truck? Blue

52. How many vehicles do you own? Just the one.

55. Do you miss anyone right now? Yes... but i'd rather not go into it.

56. What are you looking forward to? Fryday.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Some funny on a friday...

I know I swore to keep the jokes to a minimum this month in honor of NaBloPoMo... but moving, kids, unpacking, have taken up a lot of my time this week... I promise to make with the original comedy over the weekend.

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Some funny on a thursday....

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."

Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

In my free time...

Like I have free time. It's more goofing off at work time, really. Anyway, in my free time, I've been being a total trivia geek at Sploofus.com... to the point where I've authored my own quiz. Guess the two trivia nights I go to each week weren't fufilling my trivia needs. :)

Anyway, It's called "World domination for dummies" and I'm fairly proud of it. Take it and let me know how y'all do!

Some funny on a wednesday...

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

You know...

There is a reason why I don't normally participate in things like NaBloPoMo... I'm one that believes that creativity can't be rushed. When you're forced to write every day rain, shine, meteor, flesh-eating mist, dead of night, it gets difficult to cone up with things that are consistantly funny.

And I like to be funny. I'm just not feeling very funny right now. I've had a rough day.

This is also one of the reasons I stopped doing the cartoons... when my brain needs a break to rest I fully believe in giving it one. I sit down to write a few days later, and lo and behold, I am funny again. When I force it, I feel like it's a chore, and my writing suffers.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Parenting, Day 1.

Today, my day started just before dawn as sensed someone hovering over my bed. I gently pulled up my sleep mask to see a very wide-eyed 5 year old staring back at me in the darkened room.

"I can't find mommy!" Short Stuff sniffed loudly. Silverfox had left for work about an hour before.

"She went to work kiddo." I said, not letting on that the whole scene reminded me of Children of the corn. "Now go back to bed, buddy."

"I can't reach the light. (sniff)" he said, "to see the ladder."

So, like the good step-pop I am, I dutifully got out of bed and escorted my young charge back to his room. After turning the light on, he was asleep within seconds.

I'm still unsure about this "being a Dad"... the whole instant family thing is something I'm still getting used to. I am sure however that I would do anything for Silverfox's kids, and I guess that's half the battle. Very few people, after all, would be able to get me out of bed at 5 am to turn on a light for them.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Moving in, Day 2.

Well, I pushed myself too hard with the big move yeaterday, as evidenced by the fact that my legs and lower back feel like really fat women have been doing the conga on them. So, as a result, I was on light duty today.

There's nothing like resting in a big comfy chair in your new home to give you a warm fuzzy feeling all over. Even if said chair was partially responsable for the back pain :)

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Moving day...

Today, Dogs of Atlantis headquarters was officially re-located to Kenner, Louisiana where Silverfox and I have gotten us a Condo. I know it seems quick, but allow me to share an anecdote that should show those who know me just why it seems so right. many of my closest friends have heard this story before, so I would ask that they just grin and bear it... I promise to make more with the funny when my body doen't feel like it's gone three rounds with George Foreman.

So, one of the things we lack right now is a headboard for our new bed... and the other day i get a call from Silverfox on the matter.

Her: Rob, do you know how to use a jigsaw?

Me: The tool or the puzzle?

Her: the tool.

Me: Sure, why?

Her: I have an idea for the headboard.

At this point, the "excuses" file in my brain opens up, ready to tell her all the reasons why I can't use a jigsaw, convinced that I'm gonna hate the girly design idea i'm convinced that she's come up with. the simplest being "I lost my jigsaw" the most complicated being "I have a fear of jigsaws ever since my ex wife cased me around the yard a few times with one... please don't ask me to go near one again...(sob)" then she breaks my internal file by saying...

Her: I'd like to make a giant padded Imperial Klingon crest above the bed, with torch-like sconces on either side. Maybe all in black leather.

Many things went through my mind at that moment, but the only words that came out as I started tearing up were "I love you."

I am the luckiest S.O.B. on the planet.

Friday, November 02, 2007

More about the eggs...

So, I was relating my previous blog entry to my friend Ray at Pub Quiz last night, when he asked what I thought was the obvious question about it...

"What would your entry be like that would make it so much better than this vapid girl from the middle of nowhere?"

So I told him, "I would have gone way more weird with it. I would have brought to light the eternal struggle between the sunny-side up eggs and their scrambled cousins. Even when they were first brought forth from the chickens rear, they probably had their own opinions about how they should be prepared..."

"True." Ray said, as I took a long swig from the pint of beer in front of me before continuing.

"The animosity between the two factions continues in the carton until it's so great that you in fact can not have them on the same plate without first building a wall of corned beef hash to separate the two. Why even before you had chicken/egg arguments, you probably had fried/poached arguments."

"No raw egg arguments?"

"Only with Neanderthals and boxers in training." I said smugly taking another healthy swig.

"That's pretty deep for eggs." Ray said, "But I suppose if Paul Simon can be inspired to write 'Mother and child reunion' from a dish of chicken and eggs that you can have your little mental war about them."

I nearly did a spit take. "What?"

"True story." Ray continued, "He was in a restaurant... Chinese I think... and ordered a dish they called Mother and Child Reunion. Turned out to be chicken and eggs, and inspired the song."

"That's ludicrous." I said, knowing that Ray has not only a talent for pulling peoples legs, but enjoys doing so.

"But true. Think about the lyrics... the mother and child reunion is only a moment away because he's just ordered it."

"Or is in the middle of digesting them in his stomach together."

"Right."

"And you expect me to believe this?"

"Look it up if you don't believe me, Rob!"

What followed was the typical arguments one makes when someone is yanking your chain, ("Yeah, right", "like I'm gonna believe you", "Yo mama's so stupid she believes that") followed by trivia. I was however curious, and did in fact look it up on Wikipedia today. Needless to say, I was shocked, and now owe both Ray and his mama an apology. Apparently, Paul Simon can put almost anything to music and make it sound good. I also read that the guys from Robot Chicken got the name for their show from a Chinese menu though, and it makes me wonder:

Am missing out on a huge fountain of creativity by limiting myself to Chinese buffets?

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Happy NaBloPoMo!

For those of you that don't know, November is National Blog Posting Month. Look it up on the internet if you don't believe me... It's formulated to get some lazier writers out there into a posting habit by making sure that you write in your blog once a day for a month, much like National Novel Writing Month, and Script Frenzy.

Problem is, that it leads to a lot of "this is what I had for breakfast" type of posts that aren't really... good writing. I remember reading an entire entry on some poor girl's blog about (I kid you not) how difficult it was for her to decide how to have her eggs made in the morning.

Now, If I was to write this, it would be a funny look inside my imagination to see the warped and funny way in which decisions spring forth. The way this girl wrote it was "so i sat at the table for breakfast, and couldn't decide between over easy and scrambled. Gosh. over easy. scrambled. I just couldn't decide. I like both, but at the same time like neither. over easy. scrambled. which one should I choose? both are eggs, and I did want eggs, but did I want over easy or scrambled?" She went on just like that for at least two paragraphs, before deciding to get...

Well, I don't want to spoil it for you, should you come across it. Anyhow, I am normally in favor of things that get others to write, but the organizers of these things don't seem to understand that in the age of the internet there are a lot of bad writers out there. Really, Really bad writers. Writing so bad it gives me intestinal cramps. Sentence structure so confusing it would clog up a cray supercomputer for hours. Run ons so long that a marathoner from Kenya couldn't make it to the end.

And the poetry... dear god, the poetry. Page after page of "fill-up-the-bathtub-and-throw-in-a-live-toaster" Poetry.

I weep for humanity.

To help stem this tide of crappy prose, (or at least set the curve) I will rise to the challenge of a post a day for the month of November. I will furthermore not take the following short cuts during this challenge:

Photos as entries
Quiz results as entries
Poems as entries (my Brother is one of the few I have seen do this effectively)

I will still continue to post the occasional joke, but I'll keep them to a minimum. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Man vs halloween.

Part of the package with silverfox is her two kids, short stuff and pint size. I am still adjusting to the new role as stepdad, but realized tonight that this whole Dad thing has its perks... Tonight, for the first time in twenty-five years, I got to go trick or treating. :)

Now I'm absolutely exhausted. How do these kids manage to do it?

Some Halloween humor

Sorry about all the jokes this week... but this weekend is the big move to my (and Silverfox, plus the two kids) new digs out in Kenner, and I've been a little preoccupied. On the bright side, Moving always makes for great blog material... in the meantime an old joke, but still funny...

A man and his wife were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice girl he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romp.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Some Tuesday humor...

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Monday, October 29, 2007

A couple of lawbreaking jokes for funny on a Monday...

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"


Not even a snicker? well, how about this one...

This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire.

When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Buy my stamp you will, Hmmm?


And send Christmas cards to friends you will... For strong with the force you are. Rain, snow, dead of night... these things mean nothing to a Jedi. The post office is my ally, and a powerful ally it is.

I could go on all day like that, but if you'd like to read the article about the above stamp, click here.

Mail or mail not... There is no try. Judge me by my stamp, do you? Link us together, the mail does... you to me, to the tree to the rock, to the ship.

Yeah... gonna be a long day.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Building my wild self...

Culled from Reasonably Prudent Poet's blog... of course, I did have to add the beard and stubble in photoshop, but it was still pretty cool.

Build your own "wild self" here

It also came with the following information about my animal parts:

Bison horns
- Your bison horns, unlike deer and elk antlers, are made of a substance similar to hair. They are also slow-growing and permanent. They grow in yearly "rings" which indicate age. (In short, I have a rocking hairdo that can smite my enemies)

Western lowland gorilla arms - Ready to take a walk…on your hands? Your western lowland gorilla arms are so long, you'll be able to support yourself on your knuckles. (this is different from the way I am now how exactly?)

African lion legs - Your African lion legs are extremely powerful and have long, retractable claws to help you bring down prey. Careful not to poke your eye out with those things! (or my friend's eye, I would imagine)

Chilean flamingo wings - Your Chilean flamingo wings have dark feathers on their underside. Males use them in courtship displays by flapping their wings to make black flashes that attract the ladies. Ooh la la! (again, this is different from the way I am now how?)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Some funny on a tuesday...

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Monday, October 22, 2007

Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down...

And when it's both it gets me bloggin! There was some localized flooding today... so much so that I had to move the buick to higher ground. it was parked right behind the van in this picture, but closer to the wall:
when I got to it, the water was above my ankles, and an inch away from the passenger door. I would have taken a picture of the Buick, but I was too busy panicking. The last thing I need is a flooded car... so instead I took a picture of Janet's car:
Which she, being a smart cookie as well, also decided to move to high ground. (notice the wake that the tires left... that was some deep water!)
According to the National Weather service, we can expect at least four more inches of rain before the end of today. Boy, am I glad that the Condo me, Silverfox and the kids are getting is on the second floor.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

it's a meme thursday...

Hmmm... I dunno If I agree with this one. Particularly since I was just a hare's breath from being Ginny.


Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as Harry Potter

You can be a little reckless and hot-headed at times, but a more brave and courageous friend would be hard to find.

Harry Potter

85%

Ginny Weasley

70%

Albus Dumbledore

70%

Hermione Granger

65%

Ron Weasley

65%

Remus Lupin

65%

Sirius Black

55%

Draco Malfoy

35%

Severus Snape

25%

Lord Voldemort

5%

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Some Wednesday humor...

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Some funny on a tuesday...

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Man vs.House

From the DOA management: It has been decided that in light of recent developments, a partial rescinding of the prime directive is in order. Henceforth, our main correspondent will be allowed to mention his love life here on these pages as long as two conditions are met:

1) Said anecdotes do not paint his significant other in a bad light or make her look stupid and/or like a chimpanzee trying to defuse an a-bomb.

2) Said anecdotes do not provide "Too Much Information" (also known as the "bedroom antics" clause). After all, we here at DOA doubt that our audience really wants to know what they were doing last weekend with the rented backhoe, 300 gallons of shucked oysters, and a large Panda named 'Phil'.

Sometime over the last few months we've been dating, Silverfox found out that I'm a complete chicken with a few things... Regular readers of this blog know that I hate mice, for instance... but a little known fact is that I also hate being startled in the name of entertainment. I am the guy at the movie theatre that has his hands over his eyes just as Freddy Kruger is about to disembowel someone and turn their entrails into a bass guitar. I also hate the distinctly southern phenomena that crops up around Halloween known as the "haunted house". For those of you unfamiliar with the things, think of a darkride that you have to walk through. It's pitch black, filled with actors in costumes trying to scare the bejesus out of you.

Actors that love nothing more than play "scare the piss out of the fat guy".

As a result, I have never been to one. To say I avoid them like the plague does not do justice to my love of the "Black Death" and it's place in European history. Silverfox however, loves the darn things and considers herself a bit of a spook house aficionado. Determined to get me to go to one, she told her 12 year old niece that "if you can get Rob to agree to go, we'll take you."

Hell hath no fury like a pouty pre-teen.

So, I agreed, on the sole condition that I could pick the one we went to. I of course, pick the one that sounded the least scary, and had been assured was safe for kids. Little kids. Little kids with heart conditions and issues with clowns. The problem was that I myself was still petrified. As me, Silverfox and DaNiece approached Blaine Kern's Mardi Gras World haunted house, my feet turned to clay. I heard screams. I saw strobes. I looked around at really creepy mardi gras statues, their horrid, vacant fiberglass eyes boring a root canal into my soul.

Okay, maybe it wasn't quite that bad, but it certainly creeped me the heck out. I stood in place as Silverfox and DaNiece tugged at my arms, refusing to go. Silverfox got in my face and screamed at me, "ROB! You were a freaking ghostbuster and you can't handle this!?!"

This snapped me out of it long enough for them to get me into line in front of the place. Creepy music played. A fairly ugly guy in a worn Tux entertained the crowd by acting quite psychotic, and I wondered for a moment if he might be related to my ex-wife. (doubtful, but it is a small city) While we waited, A man creeped up behind DaNiece and scared the heck out of her just by standing there.

"Okay." I admitted, "that was pretty awesome. I need to give this a chance" The Guy in the tux adressed us as we got to the front of the line with a really creepy "You're with me, fat man." Silverfox got all up in his grill, though and growled "No. He's with ME!" She winked at me, saying "see? I won't let any of the scary people hurt you, Rob" in the same tone she would use with her five-year old.

I'm still not real sure if that was funny or not.

With dramatic Music blaring, we three who were about to be condemned to the deepest pits of hell (the tux dude's words, not mine... I'm rarely that melodramatic) entered the place. DaNiece clutched onto Silverfox's back, burying her face in her shoulder and refusing to open her eyes. Silverfox, the fearless, sexy vixen that she is, led the way at a brisk pace.

Leaving me behind at the first turn.

"SILVER!" I screamed, trying not to sound like the lone ranger, "WAIT FOR ME!" long nanoseconds passed before I heard her sultry voice in the darkness say quietly "I'm right here you big baby. Grab on to DaNiece."

So I did. DaNiece predictably screemd at the top of her lungs, causing Silverfox to scream in pain at her eardrums being blasted, causing me to scream and grab DaNiece causing...

Well, you get the idea. It was a vicious circle of sound. Silverfox finally yelled "Will you two get a grip?" getting us to calm down. A group of 5 year olds then skipped by, happy as can be, and I felt the shame a man feels when he realizes that he's about as brave as a pack of girl scouts at crystal lake.

So, we continued on into the darkness, entering a Mirror maze. I enjoyed this because it was fairly well lit, and the mirrors allowed me to see what was waiting for us around each corner. I relaxed my grip on DaNiece just as we again wandered into blackness, and I lost them again. I screamed again, "Silver, wait up!!!!" She screamed back "I can't! The man ahead is telling me to follow the light!" I was agahst.

"NO! Don't go into the light, Silver!" I yelled. I swear I heard her sigh. I suddenly bumped into DaNiece, causing her to scream, causing...

Well, I went into that a few paragraphs ago. This time add a scary clown that wouldn't let Silverfox pass. If you thought she got into the grill of the dude with the Tux... with a teenager-sized 120lb trembling backpack and 300 plus pounds of large, scared Italian boyfriend following her, she was in no mood to be trifled with. She just stared at the Clown and impatiently yelled "WELL?"

The Clown, like any circus performer faced with a lion, did what any reasonable man would do... he got the hell out of the way.

The rest of the place was mostly filled with clever optical illusions, with the exception of a dark room with cobwebs that freaked me out. As I was screaming, Silverfox yelled that it was just fishing line hanging from the ceiling. I yelled back that the fact that it was fishing line did not help me in the slightest, nor did it make it any less not cool.

We finally entered into the final room... the main den at Blaine Kern's where they have all the really BIG floats and statues. I could hear a smoke machine hissing nearby over the creepy music. A strobe light flashed, providing the room's only illumination. Large, creepy figures loomed around us as we navigated through toward the exit. At times, i could not even tell we were moving. It was like every bad dream about Mardi Gras World I have ever had rolled into one. Finally, we were outside.

Silverfox and DaNeice started laughing. "That was great!" "I wasn't scared at all" I heard them bantering over my pulse pounding in my ears. I looked at the two of them, obviously white as a sheet, and they both started cracking up.

I only really calmed down when I realized I was laughing too.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Funny on a Thursday, but first a word from the management...

From the DOA management:

As many of you have noticed, there has been a surprising lack of posts to this blog in recent weeks. We would like to apologize for this as the fault lies squarely on our broad, handsome, shoulders. You see, the lack of posts is directly related to Dogs Of Atlantis content directive 001, also known to regular readers of these pages as the Prime Directive. As our main protagonist's life has slowly intertwined with a young woman we will henseforth refer to as Silverfox, (cause her hair has streaks of silver, and she's a fox, natch...) the humorous slice of life anecdotes that this blog is known for become harder to write without breaking Directive 001.

We here at Dogs of Atlantis like to think that we are unopposed to change, because for the most part, it is a good thing. (Unless of course it involves happy, swimming puppies suddenly changing into distressed drowning puppies, or someone trying to pay the tab at a fancy restaurant with nothing but Nickels, Dimes, and Quarters) As such, we are in the process of reviewing our publishing policies with the intent of altering them to allow for the changes in Rob's lifestyle. We will of course keep you apprised.

Now for some Funny on a Thursday:

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Some funny on a tuesday...

An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everything they see.

They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.

They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind her.

The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.

The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father."

I thought about updating my blog...

But then decided not to.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Just for the record...

I hate being sick. I've been stuck in bed with a chest cold for the better part of the weeke

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Friday, September 28, 2007

A double dose of funny on a friday...

Seeing as how the posts have been sparse lately, I figured my readers were due a few giggles while I finish writing the entry about the NYC trip...

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

I got another one for ya...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

So where ya been, Rob?


New York, New York, kids. The place so nice they had to name it twice :) While the picture above clearly violates the Prime Directive, I don't really give a rat's fart cause we look so darn cute together on a blustery fall day in the most amazing city on the planet.

Behind us, for those not in the know... is the Verrazano Narrows bridge between Staten Island and Brooklyn. It was the longest suspension bridge in the world when it was completed, and always makes me think of my hometown.

Among the other notable pictures taken on the trip:


Me and Dad in his apartment. Cheri loves this shot because we both have the same goofy "why take a picture of us?" face going on.


Me and Cheri being saved from certain doom by the man of steel. one might assume from the picture that I am Superman's biggest fan... the little known fact is that Superman is actually my biggest fan.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Some funny for a Monday...

A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?"

"Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

A couple of one liners for funny on a wednesday...

Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?

You can drop them off anywhere.

How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?

Eclipse it!

On my way to work...

I spotted this dude sporting a mullet as he rode his bike to work this morning:
Now, That's commuting in style. For some reason, I was reminded of "Joe Dirt".