Thursday, March 31, 2005

“Thousands of letters! All to Santa Claus!”... YEAH, RIGHT!

In recently divorced news, I have stopped getting my mail. Charity filled out a change of address form so that her mail would reach her out at her mom’s, but because she filled it out incorrectly, all of my mail has been routed there as well. (Sigh) So, any female admirers that want to send me mash notes please wait a week or two until I can get them all straightened out, or just e-mail em to me at I admit, I’m a sucker for a well-written letter from an attractive woman, with or without the perfumed scent.

Anyway, trying to fix the problem was not what you call fun. On the list of Unites States Government offices that I want to avoid the rest of my life, the United States Post Office is right up there with the IRS. So I go into my local post office and explain the problem. The guy behind the counter just looked at me and said “Yep. That’s a problem.”. At this point I started to get that feeling you get just before your car starts to sputter on the highway due to a clogged fuel filter. So I repeat the problem to the guy, this time asking him what the heck I have to do to get my mail. He hollers into the back for someone named “Miss Charlotte”.

Now, I believe that names tend to influence a person’s development. For instance, “William Jefferson Clinton” wouldn’t have been everything you expect from an American president if he had a name like “Mortimer Dipthong”. A woman with a name of “Charlotte” is one you just know would find a turkey leg under her pillow, and then eat it while promising her boyfriend, “Billy-jack”, that she won’t eat poultry in bed anymore.

Fortunately, this Miss Charlotte was nothing like that. She was a sweet older lady understandably jaded from working in the Post Office for thirty years. So on my behalf, she calls the Post Office actually responsible for delivering my mail to my house. Their response: “Yep, That’s a problem”.

“Great. Just Great.” I think to myself, “Now that the Post Office in all its wisdom agrees that we have a problem, just how do I make sure I get my monthly issue of FHM? All that great stuff in Miracle on 34th Street about how serious the Post Office takes itself, and it being a crime to willfully misdirect mail still hasn’t stopped my ex wife from getting my gas bill! What happens when my issue of Playboy comes and my former mother in law passes out at the sight of it?”

Finally, Miss Charlotte gives up with the Postmaster on the phone. (When I said jaded, I meant it.) So, still sympathetic to my cause, she had me fill out a form changing my address from my current address to... my current address.

I know it sounds silly, but Miss Charlotte assured me she would send a personal note with it to the Postmaster general of Louisiana (in Baton Rouge) explaining my situation, and recommending that they fix it. She also hoped aloud that no one’s head explodes with the incongruity of the form changing my address to my address before inputting “Please send Rob his mail” into the Post Office mainframe.

One can only hope.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

The wisdom of the Piano Man...

"You can get just so much from a good thing,
you can linger too long in your dreams...
so say goodbye to the oldies but goodies,
Cause the good old days weren't always good...
But tommorow ain't as bad as it seems." --Billy Joel, Keeping the Faith

Billy Joel, (for those of you that don't know) is one of my favorite artists. Just something about his music... maybe the subject matter, maybe the earnestness that he coveys in his songs, just speaks to me somehow. Case in point, the Quote above.

Today I went to court and offically filed my divorce papers. I don't really know why I've waited so long to do it... maybe something inside me was holding me back, lingering too long on that particular dream, as it were. I also couldn't quite explain to myself why that particular song kept running through my head, but it occured to me that Billy is right. One can get so obsessed with a dream of happiness, or living happily ever after, that you don't always see the promise that tommorow brings.

I am officially free, and for the first time in months, my life stretches out in front of me like a new highway to parts unknown, full of potential, promise, and adventure. While I will probably always regret that Char and I couldn't make it work, A brand new phase of my life has officially begun, and I couldn't be more excited about it.

"Call me a joker, Call me a fool,
Right at this moment, I'm totally cool.
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife...
I feel like i'm in the prime of my life."-Billy Joel, I go to extremes

Billy, if you're ever in New Orleans, I need to buy you a beer.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

a sideline sidebar...

Interesting note: the Cute blonde from last night's expedition came back again tonight, and was determined to get my attentions all evening. I was shocked as this is the first time someone has paid to go with us two nights in a row... I got the feeling that if I had been a little bolder, I could have had a very interesting night.

Being the gentleman I am, though... I passed. I don't know exactly why I did this, seeing as how it's been a while since I last did any serious snuggling, but I just couldn't somehow.

I'll be kicking myself for weeks.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

An Update on my sideline...

In the Scooby-doo episode of my life, I have discovered that I am far more Shaggy than Fred, or even Thelma.

I have promised my new employers that I will not post things that happen to me or the teams in the house for the paranormal job, but I have to tell you all that last night was particularly intense.

Got me re-thinking the whole paranormal thing, I suppose. It is still arguably the coolest job I've ever had, and as I get more used to it, the less scared I am by some of the things that tend to happen on a typical night... But last night... wow.

I really wish I could go into more detail about it for y'all, but I'm sure you understand that I really can't. Suffice it to say that it got so intense that we had one team just out and run from the property in panic. (with me behind them like a schoolmarm yelling "No Running"... which was actually pretty damn funny now that I think about it.) It also got intense enough that one rather attractive blonde also wound up in my arms at one point. (Hey, she got scared, okay?)

Ahh... gotta love dem occupational hazards.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Crackpot Theory 1-Why astrology works...

I have a number of what I call "crackpot theories". These are ideas that have occured to me over the years, and I would love to research some day. Many of these I share with my friends and family on occasion... but I would love to get more opinions on some of them though, so I figure why not post a few here.

Why Astrology works.

Astrology is the famous pseudo-science that speculates that everything about you, past, present and future can be accurately predicted and is influenced daily by the stars in the sky. Apparently, so the theory goes, when each of us were born, due to the particular alignment of the sun, earth, planets, stars, galaxies, nebulae, and what have you, your brain chemistry and such was altered and influenced to the point that where knowing where and when you were born, a competent Astrologer can tell you loads about your personality, how you interact with others, and what the future holds for you.

Hogwash. The universe influences you about as much as the typical person influences it, which is to say, not at all. If I was to jump up right now, The second law of thermodynamics says that my action must have an equal and opposite reaction, which means that the earth must have moved by some imperceptible amount in the opposite direction, but do you really think the Earth cares? Much less the Sun, Moon, assorted Planets and such? No, they don’t. The butterfly effect is so highly improbable that it makes the concept of improbability look pretty probable to begin with.

Still with me? Good.

And yet, profiles of people bases on Astrology are sometimes eerily accurate. I have a theory as to why. I think it has a lot more to do with when your birthday falls in relation to all the other holidays and events in your life, and the effect these relationships have upon you as a person.

Case in point: My birthday is in early February, a little over a month after Christmas. This makes me an Aquarius. Now, any decent Astrology book will tell you that we Aquarians are good natured, fun loving, free spirited folks because our sun is in Aquarius, our moon is in the seventh house, Jupiter aligns with mars, and that accounts for it. My theory is that it has a lot more to do with the fact that we Aquarians simply had something to look forward to after Christmas (or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or whatever your winter solstice festival is.) Think about it... while many are reeling in post holiday depression, we Aquarians are just gearing up for our birthday, avoiding that depression entirely. No wonder we’re considered good-natured.

Or, let’s say that your birthday falls in the middle of the summer... (Cancer, I think) the fact that school was always out and few of your classmates ever made it to your birthday party would have it’s effect over the years making you a little more self-reliant. Or say, early November (Scorpio)... your birthday is followed almost immediately by the holidays, making you a little bit more outspoken than most.

Any good astrologer will ask you not only when but where you were born. This is to adjust for the predominant Holidays of the culture around you. For instance, here in New Orleans, the natives start gearing up for Mardi Gras right after New Years, as a result, Aquarians here are even more laid back than usual, as are the rest of the signs. All because of the effect of the predominant culture on the individual’s psyche, not the stars. So, even if you don’t celebrate Christmahanukwanzakah yourself, the spirit of such events is infectious, and has an effect on you.

So, how can they predict the future so well? Cold reading. Gypsies have been doing it for centuries. The past? It’s not a large gap in logic to figure out that someone who is laid back, outgoing, and charismatic will have lots of friends and support in his life.

Anyway, tis just a theory. I would love to hear what everyone thinks.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

F&%@ing cat!

Some of you may have noticed that Alpo is sometimes here with our weathergirl, and sometimes not. When I asked our weathergirl, and the site she comes from about that, their reply was: "He's a cat. He's like that sometimes."


A word from our management...

Well, after much consideration, we here at Dogs of Atlantis have decided to make a few exciting new changes to enhance your web surfing experience.

To begin with, we have added a spiffy looking clock to let you know the time here at Dogs of Atlantis headquarters. After much demographic profiling of our core reader, we decided boldly to go with a red clock. Any surplus aggression that you may feel as a result of this bold, impetuous color is not the fault of Dogs of Atlantis or Big productions, but your own unstable mental state.

In addition, we welcome our new Dogs of Atlantis Weathergirl, and her cat, Alpo. You may recognize her from such video game flops as Mario's Dark Adventure, Dr. Brain's lab, and Puzzlina, the Magic Puzzle Princess. Bottom line is she works cheap, and quite frankly drinks a lot, so here she is for a steady paycheck and a weekly six pack. Of course, the Dogs of Atlantis management discourages video icon drinking, so she may be in for a ruse suprise. Alpo, as far as we know, has never appeared on computer before, but there have been rumors surfacing lately of a brief stint he may have done on the computer kitty porn circuit. We at Dogs of Atlantis believe that cats always land on their feet, so we are of course willing to ovelook Alpo's past indescressions as long as that paternity test comes back negative.

Stupid Cat.

Our last advancement is probably the one of which we are most proud. From now on, we will be employing the latest holographic interfaces brought back by our time travel team from the twenty-sixth century, allowing you all to enjoy your Dogs of atlantis experience in six dimensions, seven if you have HDTV. Of course, if it does't work on your computer, you will need extensive upgrades, and the newest version of Windows 2587.

We look forward to the public's feedback, and anything we can do to further enhance your Dogs of Atlantis experience that is legal in the lower 48 states, let us know.

---Dogs of Atlantis management.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Damn I'm smart....

Yet another great blog topic pinched from the Greek Princess
An english test

I scored Advanced. 100% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 87% Advanced, and 72% Expert! Go, me!

Monday, March 07, 2005

You think you've got problems....

Now, normally, I don't talk about the day job here, because there are some that find my sardonic sense of humor a touch offensive; but last night something really funny happened (in a black humor kinda way) that I have to tell y'all about...

I work for a river excursion company that shall remain nameless. Well, last night as the boat was about to leave for our nightly dinner cruise, up walks this twenty-something blonde woman, in tears, wearing a wedding dress. She goes up to the captain with a friend of her, and after talking for a little, starts crying even more loudly. We do weddings on our boat, so I was a little concerned, and went over to find out what had happened. As I approached, I noticed that the woman reeked of alchohol.

Turns out, she was looking for the cruise ship that she was supposed to be getting married on. Specifically, the carnival Conquest, which had left the port about a half hour earlier. With her fiance aboard. On his way to cozemel, thinking she just didn't show. She wanted our captain to radio the Conquest and ask them to turn around and come back for her.

Took everything I had to keep from laughing in her face. Her friends were no help... one of them said, "it's okay honey... you can plan another... it's not like you're pregnant or something" The bride screams at her, "I am pregnant you a$$hole!"

I excused myself, and found someplace quiet to laugh my head off.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Been busy...

As you can imagine, working two jobs, particularly one which keeps me up past midnight every night, has been rough. I have been a little neglectful on my blog as a result... I still need to find out exactly what I can and can't post here about my experiences so far, so for now I give you the following...

Top ten things I say entirely too often: (idea from GreekPrincess's blog)

1) “Kiss my white, furry ass.”
2) “Screw you guys” (In the voice of Eric Cartman)
3) “Have no fear, the Big Kahunah is here.” What can I say...I like to make a grand entrance at work.
4) “How YOU doin?” I picked this up from Joey on Friends and can’t seem to put it back down again.
5) “Howdy.” I have always liked this better than “Hello”
6) “D’OH!” I picked this up from Homer Jay Simpson, of course, but when I do something klutzy, it invariably blurts forth.
7) “MMMMM.....(insert food type here)” Another Homerism, for sure, but I use it a lot. At least I don’t drool when I say it... well, most of the time. All bets are off on Mrs. Spanky’s Chocolate chip peanut butter cup cookies.
8) “Y’all” My Dad cringes when I use this southern term, but I would like to point out to him that it sounds much better than “youse guys”.
9) “Children” or “Kids” I have a tendency, as one of the older people of my little clique, to call everyone else a kid. Fact is, I’m not THAT much older than they are. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
10) “I’ll do it” All of my various triumphs and tragedies have been directly preceded by these words. The lesson? When no one else volunteers for something, there is probably a very good reason for it.

Catch Y'all later with at least one cool ghost story, I promise!

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

My second job...

Well, folks.. I'm a little tired today, because I started training for a second job. Yes, that's right... I figure if I'm ever gonna start livin the life of a crazy bachellor again, some bling-bling might help. (mind you, I have no idea what the hell Bling-Bling actually is, but the girls at work say it all the time when refering to showing off how much money a guy has) I'm really looking forward to this job, as it is a fairly unique occupation.

I'm gonna be a part-time Paranormal Researcher. I have signed on with the International Society for Paranormal Research as a Ghost Expedition Researcher, which is doing long term field studies into haunted properties, and the psychic abilities of the general public. What this means is that for a modest fee, we take people to a genuine Haunted property, and have them conduct field research under our supervision.

How cool is that?

No Proton packs, no getting slimed, no ghosts doing the conga through the living room... but it's still proving to be an interesting sideline. I'm going on my third night with this, and I have seen and felt plenty of stuff I can not readily explain. I don't know for sure that the phenomenon going on in the property that we are investigating is the souls of the dearly departed, but there is something going on there, and I get to help find out what.

I'm damn excited. I'll do my best to answer any questions Y'all leave here in the comments, but keep in mind that I'm not supposed to reveal to anyone that may join us one night exactly what I have experienced so far, as it may skew the results of the investigation.

I can't wait to get the buisness cards that say "Rob Cerio- paranormal researcher".