Thursday, May 18, 2006

Mission: impressable.

The other day, I had to take a drug test for the new job. The test is fairly simple... pee into a cup, try not to spill, hand it over for analysis. Usually, this would be easy... but the lab assistant was kinda cute, and I found out this great universal truth:

It's very difficult to urinate when there's a foxy woman outside the door listening, trying to make sure you don't cheat somehow.

So I close my eyes, think of rivers, streams, and fire hoses, and begin humming TLC's "Waterfalls".

"Oh, yeah... that'll impress her, alright. Moron." My inner voice said.

Eventually, nature took it's course, and I stepped from the bathroom triumphant. I looked dreamily into her deep, brown eyes as I handed her the cup. She gazed back at me and said simply, "You can wash your hands now".

"Give up now, Rob. Walk away with your dignity intact." My inner voice screamed at me. Did I listen? Of course not. I instead tried to chat her up a bit.

My brain fell over itself searching for something to converse with her about. A thousand pick-up lines were dismissed as being silly or inappropriate. Every fact I have ever heard about lab work or urine popped up, but got rejected. So, what came out was:

"So, what do you test for?"

She looks at me curiously, "Marajuana, PCP, Cocaine, speed, extasy, and a few others."

"Great. I don't do any of those."

She looks at me again, this time with a raised eyebrow.

"Uh...Not that I do ANYTHING like that."

She grins. "Right."

"Smooth.", my inner voice says, "Shall I bring you a dustpan to sweep up your dignity with?"

So I left, realizing it's damn near impossible to pick up a woman who's handling a cup of your urine. I realize that there must be other situations where your odds are next to nothing for a sucessful pick-up, but offhand I couldn't think of any.


Drew said...

Since you were on a roll, you should have asked her "Do you test for love? Because love is the drug I'm thinking of." And then when she said "But I thought you said you weren't on drugs" you say "Oooooh, can't you see, love is the drug for me."

That would definately kill your last shred of dignity.

dreamwalker said...

I give you kudos for trying :)

Wow, drug tested before getting a job...I mean if you tested positive you wouldn't get it obviously.

No one has ever done that to me yet. I'm not even sure it would be legal over here.
(I'll check that out now cause I'm curious)

Melinda Barton said...

When you actually managed to piss, do you sing "and down came the rain and washed the spider out"?