Thursday, March 08, 2007

Mission Impressable: 2

The older I get, the more I realize that there are many situations in which no matter what one says or does, it is simply impossible to pick up a member of the fairer sex. Case in point:

Yesterday after work, in preparation for Ringo’s bachelor party, I went to an “adult exotic novelty” store to pick up a few essentials for the party. (Said essentials are not the point of this entry, but for those that are curious it was just a deck of cards. I looked for the ‘fat clowns and elderly midgets’ porn DVDs suggested by a friend that shall remain ‘nameless’* but thankfully came up empty.)

For those of you that have never been in such a place, there’s usually shelf after shelf of Porn on the walls, and whatever space (if any) is left in the store usually is occupied by “pleasuring devices”** and assorted bachelor/bachelorette party gear. In this particular shop however, the ratio was different than others I’ve seen, more like 20% porn to 80% ‘devices’*** . So here I am, wandering this place, surrounded by ‘devices’ that would make a male elephant jealous, all of which apparently come in every color of the rainbow and a few that aren’t in any rainbow I’ve ever seen.

I’m trying really hard not to laugh at the absurdity of my situation (just trying to buy a freaking deck of playing cards, here!) when I get approached by a saleswoman.

Before I continue, let me say that finding a woman working in such a place is rarer than finding a gangsta rapper at a Yanni concert.

So I turn around at the sound of a pleasant female voice to see an extremely attractive woman in her late 20’s smiling at me. I immediately giggle a little, which I’m sure wasn’t at all creepy, what with me literally surrounded by thousands of rubber representations of human genitalia and all… so I (stammering) tell her what I’m looking for (the aforementioned cards) and why.

To my surprise, she smiles. “Sounds like a pretty lame bachelor party if you need novelty cards.”

“Great. Now I’m surrounded by phalluses and I’m lame. What a great first impression.”, My brain says to me.

“Yeah, I know… my friends can be a little prudish at times.”, I say.

“Well, you could hire a stripper or something…”

Dude, she’s cute and totally striking up a conversation with you! Say something cool! My brain says.

“A little outside of my price range.” I say, “Plus that, they made me take an oath on my Star Wars action figures that I wouldn’t hire one.”

Way to go, Prince Charming. Now you’re creepy, lame, poor, a slave to your friends will, and you probably live in your parents’ basement. Say something quick to recover!

“But I am bringing Duct Tape.” (insert nervous chuckle)

You know, I would have placed money on the fact that you couldn’t have said anything to make this worse…

Obviously fighting that fight or flight instinct, she rolls her eyes and says “Always a good time with Duct Tape.”

Don’t do it. Don’t say anything! Just shut up now!

“That’s what I’ve been saying for years.”

At this point, she finds the cards. “Well, hopefully you’ll be able to get them to loosen up a bit.”

But then why would you be bringing duct tape? God, this girl is an idiot! Wait! No! Don’t you dare say that!

“But then why would I be bringing Duct Tape?” I say.

She mercifully smiles and walks away, telling me to feel free to ask if I need anything else.

Let’s see… do y’all happen to sell dignity?


*Nameless, but rhymes with rave.

**this is the third draft of this article, and that’s the ‘cleanest’ term I could come up with to describe the dazzling array of items in question

****uh, not that I’m some kind of expert on these places… I swear I only go into them for bachelor party related stuff.

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