Why I don't do fantasy football leagues....

I hate fantasy football. There, I said it. It's not something I'm especially proud of, because I love Football. (note the capital 'F', people...) Nothing beats watching your favorite team beat their rivals into submission by ramming into each other like drunken goats. I love the strategy involved in Football, I love the watered down beer and bland hot dogs at the Superdome, I love the smell of a freshly mowed gridiron, and I love screaming at the television when the quarterback throws an interception.

What I hate is sports statistics.

As a result, there is a good deal about modern day sports coverage that piss me right the fuck off. I don't watch ESPN, I don't read the sports pages, I only go to NFL.com if it's during a game and I don't have access to a TV, and even then, I don't really care about the yards rushing, yards passing, yards spent pinching cheerleaders, or anything else... Is the team winning? Did they do it with style? Great!

I have hated sports statistics for a very long time... I remember vividly in grade school, while all of my classmates were ga-ga over baseball cards, I was the kid who didn't see the point behind them. You couldn't play a game with them, the art was sub-par, and the little piece of pink plastic masquerading as gum that each pack came with sucked. I'll stick with collecting Star Wars cards, thank you. RBI's? Scuse me, but you spelled 'RIBs' wrong...

Fantasy football is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. I love my friends that enjoy it, but I absolutely hate the thing. Every year, I have friends that try to goad me into participating. They say things like "you're just chicken" and "it's just another RPG! You play those all the time!" To that I say, "have you actually ever gamed with me?"

When I game, I do so as an exercise in improv. I get into character, and burst forth upon the story with reckless abandon of common sense, the GM's wishes, the dice, and any goddamn ability modifiers. If I'm gonna fantasize, I'm gonna really get into it... I always wanted to be a super hero, a maniacal despot, an insane scientist, and a bard, so it makes sense to me.

I can honestly say I never wanted to work in the front office of an NFL franchise. It might be someone's fantasy, but it sure ain't mine.