Thursday, November 09, 2006

Man vs. Mouse-round 4, and more!

"To depend strictly on defense means that there is not enough strength of purpose in your heart" --Sun Tzu

So, before going home to decide the fate of my P.O.W. in the great Mouse police action of 2006(see previous entry) I had to do my civic duty. That’s right, kids… it was voting time once again. This time, one of the issues was about how the parish has the right or lack thereof to tax me for owning a car. Personally, I think that’s ridiculous, and just another excuse for the government to shift as much of its overweight bureaucratic ass as it can upon the backs of the working stiff.

Anyway, seeing as how Ducky lives basically across the street from me, he decided to tag along and vote, too. He was however, turned away at the polls. As it turns out, that even though he changed his address after Katrina to reflect his residency in my neighborhood, not a single state or federal agency thought it appropriate to share this with the voters registration people. They were nice about it, but basically told Ducky that if he really wanted to vote, we would have to cross the river and drive the 17 or so miles down a still-dark-cause-the-streetlights-still-haven’t-been-fixed-since-the-storm road to Chalmette to do so.

In the 37 minutes before the polls closed.

“Dude…” I said, stifling my righteous indignation, “you have just been disenfranchised.”
“So it would seem.” Ducky replied.
“Isn’t there something in the bill of rights about this?”
“It’s taxation without representation, at the very least.”
“Hooters?” I suggested, thinking that going for chicken wings was somehow appropriate just then.
“Hooters.” Ducky agreed.

It was trivia night at Hooters, but we still regaled the waitresses with Ducky’s tale of woe. While managing to win a pitcher of beer. (Behold our brilliance!) The problem is, Ducky doesn’t drink, and I was driving. We got several thousand points for style when we decided to donate our hard-won pitcher to the team that came in last place.

Afterward, Ducky told me he had read my blog entry from earlier that day.

“Yeah,” I said, “I still haven’t figured out what to do with that P.O.W.”
“He’s not a P.O.W.!” Ducky quacked at me, “He’s an enemy combatant and a thief! He pillaged valuable resources and attempted to spread disease among your populace! He deserves no mercy!”
“My regime is not one to line people up in front of a firing squad, my friend.”
Ducky frowned.
“And you call yourself a dictator.”
“I prefer to think of myself as a benevolent Monarchy.”
“Most dictators do.”

I got home fairly late, half expecting that the Mouse in the wastebasket would have managed to escape somehow, but he was still there.

“You have been tried and found guilty of crimes against the sovereign state of Casa Kahunah.” I said to my furry prisoner, “we have decided that the sentence for your crimes is…" I paused, still unsure of his fate.

I thought of Sun Tzu, and his quote above. I thought of the errors of the current regime of the United states government, and why so many other nations don't like us.

I sighed. I'm just not a bully, I guess.

"Your sentence is banishment and exile.” I said.

I guess I lack strength of purpose... but at least I can live with myself.

I know what you’re thinking… I’ve tried this before. This time, I walked two blocks away, with the wastebasket and let him loose in a small park. The Mouse ran off into the night, in the opposite direction of my house. The war, for the moment, was once again over. Casa Kahunah is apparently mouse free but we can never forget the great police action of 2006, lest we repeat it’s mistakes.

Now if I could just get rid of that squirrel in the attic…


Canardius said...

most nations dont like us, but who do they call when they need a cop?

"USA 911 operator... how can we help you?"

Your mercy toward the mouse is charming. Benevolent dictators and Enlightened Despots smile upon you. Emperor Joseph II and his mother Maria Theresa would be pleased. So would Tiberius. Catherine the Great would probably give you a horse.

Melinda Barton said...

I offered to bring picket signs and a bullhorn to protest the grave injustice and anti-Duck bigotry that led to the Duck Disenfranchisement Disaster of 2006. Although my sympathies for ducks that fart at midnight are well known, I then remembered that the Duck supports conservative politics and decided that perhaps disenfranchisement was not such a bad idea.

Anonymous said...

Problem in your attic? I can take care of that. Where's my 30-30?

Dreamwalker said...

A benevolent Monarch Indeed :D
I applaud your action, having taken similar measures in a similar situation myself.

Let the furry fiend be someone else's problem. If he is lucky, and recieves similar treatment at the hands of his next captor/s, he may end up being a well travelled mouse before he dies :)