Monday, June 30, 2008
The little grey things flying around it are Imperial Star destroyers, which Brouhaha was instant be to scale with the moste feared space station in galactic history... Although he was also quick to point out that the turbolaser should have been a mite bigger.And of course, that there should have been a small thermal exhaust port somewhere in the trench around the equator. (Right beneath the main port, of course) I also noticed some evidence of the paranormal in the second cake photo... in the lower right hand corner, there is a large, pink fleshy mass that I have no recolection of being there at the time. Then again, it could just be my thumb...
So anyway, we delivered the cake without incident. Short stuff dressed up as his Hero, Darth Vader, but embarrassingly for him, so did the REAL Dark Lord of the Sith, who arrived shortly thereafter with one of the TIE fighter pilots that escorted him to our little backwater of a world. Don't you just hate when you go to a party and someone else is wearing the same outfit?
Short stuff was struck speechless when Vader entered the room, but while most of the other kids there cowered behind their parents in fear of the dark side of the force, Short stuff walked right up to him, shook his hand and said "Hello, Darth Vader. Welcome to my party."
I was so proud. More photo ops were had, this one with Pint size, Silverfox and her neice, DaNiece, who is aparently far less afraid of men with the power to choke you with their mind as she is of clowns.
Even Pint Size warmed up to Vader after a while... in the picture below, he's whispering to his cousin "Don't worry. it's just a guy in a suit!"
Of course, he was speaking in baby jabber, so my translation could be a little off. Pint size was also groovin on the punch Silverfox made (Yoda Soda... Limeade, Lime sherbert mixed with "Mountain Dew or do not... there is no try"*) Little runt grabbed at least two cups of it from me and chugged them. He's gonna be one heck of a frat boy when he grows up.
Soon, Lord Vader had to leave, as he had some rebel scum to hunt down and kill, so we had cake. Short stuff was so excited that he forgot to remove his Vader mask before blowing out the candles.
Ah, that's my boy....
It was a pretty great day. After the guests all went home, Shorty decided he wanted to stay at Grandma's with his cousins... we were happy to oblige him, but got a call soon after we left that he had tripped onto a stool, and knocked three of his front teeth out:
On the bright side, they were all baby teeth, and will grow back... on the dark side, Silverfox is worried that a cherished childhood memory of meeting Darth Vader is now marred by having his smile altered.
I guess this is what Yoday meant by "Once you begin to walk the path of the Dark side, it will forever dominate your destiny.
*this joke was made possible through the wit of Stacey Sphieler, who is rapidly becoming a fangirl against her will.
"Son, is your mother home?" The little boy nods yes.
"Can I see her please?" The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep.
"Son, do you see what your mother is doing?" The boy nods yes.
"Do you know what that is?" The boy nods.
"Doesn't that bother you?"
Saturday, June 28, 2008
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Shorty is a huge Star Wars fan, and so we're having a Star Wars themed party, complete with appearances by Darth Vader (Short Stuff's fave) and a few Stormtroopers. It should be a lot of fun, rain or shine. Afterward, the adults are intending on going back to Casa Kahunah and hoisting a few while playing a few rounds of Redneck Life and Rock Band. It promises to be pretty awesome.
I've been looking online for some games for the kids to play and I think that I have a few activities that they'll appreciate, but Silverfox doesn't seem to want me to let the kids play "Pass the Thermal Detonator" for some reason. Maybe I should go buy a few Hand Grenades (the drink, not the bomb) and call them thermal detonators... that way even if the kids find the party boring as hell, we adults in attendance will still be entertained. I also thought about doing a Jedi training course where the kids would have to swat at bubbles with lightsabers.
So, any game suggestions?
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''
''No, she replied. "You just happened to catch my eye!''
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
On the way to Coast Con a few months ago, I suggested to Silverfox that we should buy ourselves a slave from the annual charity slave auction. I was unsure how she would take it, (seeing as how part of the amazing multi-ethnic genetic makeup that makes my soul mate one of the most beautiful women in history is African-american), and I certainly didn’t want to offend any part of her.
“A slave?” She responded innocently, “I’ve never bought one before. What would we do with one?”
“Have them serve us drinks, for one…” I said, glad that she wasn’t about to kill me for suggesting it, “and we could make them dance with anyone who asks us to.”
“We can do that?” She said.
“Sure. We could even insist that they answer to another name for the night.” I said, “Like Chim-Chim or something.”
“Chim-Chim! Dance for the man!” She said, clapping and laughing.
We wound up buying two slaves the next day, but released them both early as there was no bar at the Coast Con dance, so we had little for them to do. I could tell that Silverfox really enjoyed it when I told both slaves to refer to her as “mistress” for the entire evening.
Turns out she enjoyed it a bit too much.
At Mobicon, she was ready with a dog collar and whip for her slaves. It was innocent enough, I figured, as she needed a servant for her bachlorette party. But She bought two, and made one walk the other. I have a feeling that they’re lucky she didn’t think to bring one of those royal litters that they carried Cleopatra around on.
Now, she buys up all of our friends on MySpace with the “Own Your Friends” application, and "brands" them with the label of "Silverfox's Posse". I constantly buy them back and liberate them, but I’m running out of the imaginary money to do so. The other day I pointed out to her the ethical and moral implications of all this, and was told flatly that she can trade in human flesh if she wants to.
I believe I have created a monster.
Now, I should probably mention here that in stark contrast to this, Silverfox is nobody's servant. She is as fiery and independent a woman as I have ever known. Her likely response if I were to order her to do something would normally be to laugh in my face. Except in one place... Her mom's house.
For some reason, when she is at her Mom's, her mother insists that she wait on me hand and foot, which she does. She gets me drinks, brings me food, and makes sure I'm comfortable. When I joke about it, she glares at me and her mom starts going on about how "she wasn't raised to give you attitude like that, Rob. I Don't know where she gets that from." Which makes me laugh even more. I once asked her how she could suddenly be so subservient around her Mom, but nowhere else and she replied, "Because I would never hear the end of it from her. It's a southern thing, Rob"
Maybe I just need to create a MySpace app that will act like her Mom :)
Friday, June 20, 2008
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Over on the TV Squad blog, they’ve been reviewing the old Super Friends cartoons during the summer, seeing as how there is little to review on TV right now. Normally, I just skim over these entries, taking my little trip down nostalga lane for a few minutes, and then getting on with my life.
However, today’s entry was a bit of a sticking point for me… it postulated that many of the multi-ethnic heroes and also-rans added later in the show (Specifically, Samurai, Apache Chief, Black Vulcan, El Dorado, and Firestorm) were way more powerful than the original Super Friends (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman) and thusly should have been running the show at the Hall of Justice. His explanation is fairly simple… in a smack down, the original four (five, if you count Robin) have very few powers between them, and a tremendous weakness or two. (i.e. kryptonite and being away from water for about an hour)
I hate to say it, but I would tend to agree with the commentator, were it not for one thing…
Sure, the Batman in the Super Friends is a far cry from the brooding creature of the night in the Bruce Timmeverse, but he’s still a tactical genius, and one of the baddest hand-to-hand fighters on the planet earth. The blogger in question seems to think that if you take away the utility belts, Batman and Robin are simply helpless.
Au Contrare, mon ami. A Batman (any Batman) without his gadgets is even more dangerous because he is then forced to use his most powerful weapon… his brain.
Methinks it would go down something like this…
INT- HALL OF JUSTICE- DAY
Samurai, Apache Chief, Black Vulcan and
BLACK VULCAN: I’m telling you guys… all of us new members are just the tokens around here. The only reason they let us into this group of theirs is affirmative action! They’ve reduced us and our cultures to stereotypes!
APACHE CHIEF: Ease off on the Spanish, kimo sabe. It’s just what they want you to do.
Apache Chief slaps himself for doing the same thing.
FIRESTORM: Whoa guys…that isn’t true. What about me?
SAMURAI: Do you see any other teenagers around here, Firestorm?
FIRESTORM: Well, there’s The wonder twins… and Robin.
SAMURAI: I meant straight teenagers. Robin doesn’t count. He’s been Batman’s sidekick since the 50’s.
BLACK VULCAN: Yeah. Dude must be at least 60 by now.
APACHE CHIEF: So, what do we do?
BLACK VULCAN: We take em out! Show Superhonky and the whitebread squad how we do things in the ghetto.
APACHE CHIEF: Dude, now you’re doing it.
BLACK VULCAN: Damn.
NARRATOR: AT THAT MOMENT, SUPERHONK… I MEAN SUPERMAN, WONDER WOMAN, BATMAN, ROBIN AND AQUAMAN RETURN FROM SAVING THE WORLD ONCE MORE.
BLACK VULCAN: Get em, guys!
Black Vulcan fires a lightning bolt at Superman, doing exactly squat.
SUPERMAN: What is the meaning of this?
SAMURAI: We’ve had it working as your token minorities!
Samurai hurls a whirlwind at Wonder Woman, making her spin.
WONDER WOMAN: Great Hera!
ROBIN: Holy turncoats, Batman! They’ve all gone from super friends to super foes!
BATMAN: It would seem so chum. Quickly, Robin… batarangs!
NARRATOR: SUDDENLY, FIRESTORM TURNS THE DYNAMIC DUO’S UTILITY BELTS TO SOAP BUBBLES!
ROBIN: Holy disarming, Batman! What do we do now?
BATMAN: Follow me, chum!
Batman and Robin jump past him and kick both Apache Chief and Samurai in the throat.
APACHE CHIEF: INECK- gugh!
SAMURAI: KASINAMO- NE-ackugh!
NARRATOR: UNABLE TO SAY THE WORDS FOR “GROW” OR “INVISIBLE MAN” IN THEIR NATIVE LANGUAGE, SAMURAI AND APACHE CHIEF FALL UNCONCIOUS TO THE FLOOR!
AQUAMAN: My ability to talk to sea creatures is useless in this situation!
BLACK VULCAN: Unfortunately for you, princess, gold is an excellent conductor of electricity.
Black Vulcan sends electricity down the rope, shocking both
BLACK VULCAN: Oops.
NARRATOR: BEFORE BLACK VULCAN CAN REACT, SUPERMAN USES HIS SUPER BREATH TO FREEZE THE MASTER OF LIGHTNING SOLID!
SUPERMAN: Too easy.
FIRESTORM: As easy as this?
Firestorm turns Superman’s cape to kryptonite.
BATMAN: Help Superman, Robin. I’ll take care of this youngster.
Batman walks up to Firestorm. Firestorm raises his hands to activate his powers.
FIRESTORM: Please… what are you gonna do? You have no powers! Why, I could turn your costume to uranium and kill you! Or turn the floor underneath you to tar! Or…
Batman simply punches him in the face. Firestorm falls to the floor, unconscious.
BATMAN: Sigh. When will this younger generation ever learn?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, "You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad."
The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, "What is it, Doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight."
"Well," says the doctor, "you have cancer and you have Alzheimers."
The man replies, "Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Monday, June 16, 2008
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Saturday, June 14, 2008
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Thursday, June 12, 2008
One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, just how far is the uterus anyway?"
The second sperm begins to laugh and says, "The uterus!? We just passed the esophagus."
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
Sunday, June 08, 2008
"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Total number of books I’ve owned:
In my lifetime? Thousands, and that's not counting the comic books... Right now, my personal collection of books, cookbooks and comics numbers at about 600 or so (all of which I have read)... and when you consider that I threw/donated/sold/gave half of them away before I moved in with Silverfox in November, and I'm not counting the books owned by Silverfox and the kids... That's a lot of books, kids. I have a respectable personal library going on.
Last book I bought:
Anasani Boys by Neil Gaiman. Still haven't read it because I need to read American Gods first. No, wait... I had Silverfox buy me the Green Eggs and Ham Cookbook.
Last book I read:
Comic book/Graphic novel: The greatest Superman Stories ever told for the fifth time or so.
Children's book: I read Harold and the Purple Crayon to Short stuff last week.
Regular book: Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire- I'm slowly getting through the series.
Book I’m reading right now:
I am embarrassed to say that there is no book on my nightstand at the moment.
Five books that mean something to me:
Harold's ABC's- The first book I can remember reading by myself.
Raise the Titanic by Clive Cussler- My Dad gave me his paperback copy of this book so I would have something to read for a book report when I was ten. I loved it. It's responsible for my fascination with the sea and lost treasures. Mr Cussler- if you're ever in New Orleans, I would like to buy you a beer.
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams- taught me that Sci-Fi could be funny without being a parody of itself.
Kingdom Come by Alex Ross and Mark Waid- The first Graphic novel that I ever said "wow" out loud after reading it. It plays on the religious elements in the Superhero genre, and does it really well.
Batman: the Dark Night Returns by Frank Miller- Redefined the character of Batman for my generation. In my mind, he suddenly went from a campy do-gooder to a twisted psycho. This Graphic novel is the reason I wanted to become a writer... so I could tell stories that would effect people like this one did me.
Five books I think everyone should read at least once: (I added this one to the meme, as it seemed a little short on content)
The Bible- everyone should at least once. Belief in God aside, it is the basis for the bulk of western literature.
Childhood's End by Arthur C. Clarke- In my opinion, the best science fiction novel ever... and I don't say that easily.
The Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons- A benchmark in the idea of Graphic Novel as true literature. An incredible story. Try to read it before the movie comes out and ruins it's reputation.
The Princess Bride (the good parts version) by William Goldman- Forget the movie... the book is sooooo much cooler. And you, in turn, will seem soooooo much geekier...
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes- About a Forrest Gump type that undergoes an experimental procedure to increase his intelligence. It will change the way you look at the mentally challenged in our society.
Five people that should answer these questions:
Friday, June 06, 2008
The other man agrees and asks, "Where are you from?"
The first guy answers, "Chicago."
"Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"
"Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.
"Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What's your address?"
"Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?"
"John and Cathy," says the first guy.
"Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we're related!?"
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.
"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."
Thursday, June 05, 2008
It's all simple math, really... Advertisers want your money. To get that money, they need to get you their message. To get you that message, the networks need you to watch their other shows. They need to make sure that you know about said other shows to convince the advertisers that you will, in fact watch them.
TBS however, has crossed a very real line.
In the following clip, Bill Engvall steps onto the screen and pauses the show to deliver his pitch about his show.
Sure, it's only 2 seconds before commercial, but that really isn't the point. If this campaign is at all successful, what's to stop them from "pausing" your favorite show during the really intense, dramatic parts to pitch you something that will make your shirts whiter than white?
You know, it's totally unnecessary, too... I still watch commercials, even when I'm fast forwarding... if I see one that catches my eye, (a product I want, or something that looked clever in FF mode) I will invariably stop and watch it anyway. I suspect I am not alone in this.
Anyway, I think that if they continue to do this, or do it during something like pro wrestling, they will experience a backlash that will not only effect them, but the whole medium. We have other choices now, after all. Internet TV has less commercials and convenience going for it... plus, I have many friends that just wait for the whole season of their favorite show to come out on DVD, without ever watching it in "real time".
Bastards. When will they realize that I don't give a rat's bottom about "natural male enhancement", the latest A.P.R. on the new Prius, or some yuppies scarfing down sonic cheesburgers in a mini-van? If I want to shop, I can log onto ebay. Just get to entertaining me, damn you.
Okay, end of rant... but I would love to know what some of my readers think about this development.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
Monday, June 02, 2008
At one point, I even had a dream that Stan "the man" Lee himself was admonishing me for not making the Spidey cake the "mighty marvel way". He went on to tell me that Steve Ditko never would have approved of our cake design because it lacked the grace and action that Spidey is known for. Fortunately, Stan was full of ideas, so I sat there with my sketch pad in the dream penciling out a few. The next morning, I asked Silverfox to indulge me while I tried to make a few of the better ones from my dream out of fondant. The results were disastrous.
Apparently, whichever side of my subconscious produced "Stan" has a lot to learn about the physics of Fondant.
After much ado, my sculpting skills and Silverfoxes mad cake-making skills produced the following cake: