Monday, February 28, 2005

Behind the bloggers studio...

And a hush falls over the crowd of students as The webkahunah takes the stage, to be interviewed by Mrs. Spanky... The Introduction is brief, refering only momentarily to the year The Webkahunah spent thinking he was an incan monkey god. Mrs. Spanky takes a sip from her water, and the interview begins....

Who would play you in the movie of your life?
Hmmm... John Goodman is getting on in years... so I have no idea. I'd like to think I would be approached with the role, but assuming I was unavailable, I think Oliver Platt would make an excellent Rob.

What's the biggest lie you ever told?
The biggest or the funniest?

The biggest.
That's easy... A certain well-known story about my past in New York that I have shared with my friends in New Orleans is a complete fiction. It's the only one of my stories that is untrue, but everyone believes it. I quietly smirk to myself whenever someone mentions it. No one has figured it out yet, but I assume that from now on, everyone will want to know which one. Not even my ex-wife knew it was complete B.S.

Which one?
Aint tellin, toots.

Okay you've peaked my curiosity... now the funniest.
I once told a waiter that thought I was someone famous that I was actually thinking of using his resturant as a location for my next movie, if he would be so generous as to comp my meal. (didn't work)

Pick one non-fictional person, dead or alive, that you would say is your hero, and tell us why he/she is your hero.
One NON fictional? that's tough. I'd have to say Albert Einstien. He had a way of making the complex easy to grasp that I really admire. Plus that, even though he was probably one of the smartest men who ever lived, he had a great humor about him.

What's the first thing you would do with $1 million?
Travel. Everywhere.

What do you love most about yourself?
Hey, what's not to love? I guess I most appreciate my sense of humor sometimes... I honestly crack myself up... why just the other day, I was going through some old flash cards I had made for when I took italian, trying to see how many words I remembered, (not many... generations of my ancestors are spinning away in their graves.) and I came across one which said "antipasta" (A term my dad always used instead of appetizer) On the back I had written, "Duh!". I laughed for ten streight minutes.

Would you like to be interviewed by the Webkahunah? ready for some hard hitting, no holds barred questions? then do the following:
1. Leave me a comment saying “interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you five questions.
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. (Write your own questions or borrow some.)

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Bipedal Locomotion...

As many of you know already, I lead a pedestrian lifestyle. Not in the “boring” sense mind you, but I don’t own a car, nor do I feel I really need one. I live in Algiers Point which is just a stone’s throw across the mighty Mississippi river to New Orleans’ spectacular French Quarter, where I work. I walk six blocks to the ferry, which takes me across the river, and then walk another six blocks or so to work. My total commute time: 20 minutes. In the French quarter is also everything I need to get by in this city… A grocery store, a video store, bookstores, and the major public transportation artery should I need to get anywhere I can’t just walk to. It’s a great lifestyle, and all the walking I do keeps me pretty fit for a fat guy.

Still, there are those among us who wonder how on earth I could possibly get by without a car. To them I say this:

The Webkahunah’s top ten reasons it rocks not to have a car-

1) Those Geico commercials are a whole lot funnier when you don’t actually have to worry about switching car insurance.
2) If I find myself running out of fuel, I can just stop at any McDonalds, Which is far more entertaining than your average gas station.
3) The fluctuations in the price of gas due to the war in the middle east don’t bother me in the slightest
4) I can act smug around folks who drive SUV’s or pickup trucks. (Spanky, Fratnip, Dynoman, I’m looking at you!)
5) The only gas I need to worry about is the kind that comes after eating too much of Mrs. Spanky’s Salsa Sausage Mushroom Cheese Dip.
6) When going on long road trips, it’s never my car that breaks down in the middle of Alabama, where the tow truck driver is also the town plumber and the town mayor; and it’s never my girlfriend that has to offer the mechanic sexual favors to fix the damn starter. (True story! Potsie’s car and girlfriend!)
7) Being in touch with nature makes me get sick less. My body has a chance to adjust to climate change instead of going from heated house to cold outside to heated car to cold outside to heated workplace. If it’s cold outside, fine… my body adjusts.
8) It’s a lot easier to convince a woman to take a romantic walk with you if that’s really the only option.
9) No car to park means I never have to pay for parking.
10) Driving is a lot more special and fun when you don’t have to do it all the time.

This entry is dedicated to my buddy JavaFooFoo who recently lost her wheels and… Well, I’m sure she’ll write about it in her blog. Here for ya, FooFoo.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

The Zen of the blog...

Why blog? I ask myself from time to time… I mean, why do I sit here in front of the computer, with no reward other than a sense of personal satisfaction of seeing the words on the screen?

To be a true blogger, I think you need to be a little conceited. I mean, why on earth, (says the left side of my brain to the right…) would anyone be interested in what you have to say? Who cares that the guy in the laundromat gave you a funny look when you pulled the red shirt out of the machine with all of your whites (now pinks)? Why should the public want to know what your favorite movies are? Or that you once accidentally ate some expired cheese? And who in their right mind cares that you once saw a 2000 lb groundhog? (it was made of cement. The Webkahunah loves tacky tourist traps.)

Furthermore, why on Earth do I write it all down to begin with? Part of why I blog is the Zen thing… the destination I get to when I write is unimportant. The joy is in the personal journey I have to go through to get there. I know that part of me also views blogging as a cheap alternative to therapy. Getting it all out of my system in a public forum, with the presupposed anonymity of my internet alter-ego, acts as a catharsis to my wounded psyche.

Wow. That’s a mouthful. Had no idea I was that erudite.

Anyway, I sometimes also wonder why y’all read what I post here. When I first started this, I figured my readers would be just the core group of my friends, and it surprised me when others started coming up to me saying “Hey, I read such and such on your blog…” Perhaps it has to do with the same phenomenon that causes reality T.V. to be so popular here in the U.S.A.. To me, those shows have always been like watching an auto accident… you feel bad for those involved, but are really glad it ain’t you. It could also be the “Dancing monkey” effect, where you continue to watch because the scene because it has so many inherent comedic elements. (The monkey, the monkey’s hat, the Italian stereotype grinding a little music box, etc…) Maybe it’s the “lion tamer” effect, where you watch because you just know at some point the lion is gonna do something unexpected, like maul the tamer. Or maybe it’s the “Billy Joel/Christie Brinkley” effect, where hot chicks are attracted to homely guys that can string a few words together and make the words sound pretty.

Nah… that’s just wishful thinking on my part.

Well I don’t know why you come here, but I do want to thank all of you that check in here on a regular basis. I recently added a counter to the blog, and was stunned to find out just how many regular readers pass through here. Thank you all for reading, and I will continue to try to entertain you in the future.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

An open letter to the women of the world....


It has recently come to my attention surfing many blogs that you regard most of my half of the species as "shmucks", "jerks", "a$$#oles", or "douchebags". I would like to take this opportunity to refute this. Quite frankly, there are many of us out here that find the actions of this small but apparently vocal minority just as disturbing as you do. And we nice, respectable guys (Who women always tell us that they're looking for) can never seem to land neither Intelligent, smart, funny women, nor even skanky bimbos (not that we'd want to mind you...). So, I ask you, ladies of planet Earth, why is it that if you all find these guys so reprehensible, do they seem to get all the action?

Case in point: I have a friend, (well, aqaintance really) who we'll call "Potsie". Potsie is the very definition of the term A$$#ole. He is mean-spirited, condesending, vain, self-centered, a serial cheat, coniving, a user, and in all other ways the type of guy women are always complaining about. He has little regard for the feelings of any human being other than his own. Potsie is the type who would date a girl, just to have the opportunity to nail her sister. He is the type who would (and has) Screw some bimbo in his bedroom at a party whilst his "girlfriend" is crying her eyes out about it outside. Yet, of my little posse, Potsie is without argument the most sucessful with women.

I have always believed this to be extremely unfair. I think the reason behind it is Potsie's vanity... he is also the guy paying attention to the latest trends in fashion trying to seem much hipper than he really is, to my knowledge the only one of the posse to have plastic surgery, and he is one of the better looking guys in our group. Women talk a good game about valuing personality more than looks, but when you come right down to it, (with a few exceptions), Y'all want that trophy on your arm as much as we do.

So, my advice to all you women is to stop only checking out the "Cute Guys" in your bar, pub, night club, or what have you, the plain looking guy in the corner with his eye on you probably has a lot more to offer. Stop telling your guy friends that they need to get past a woman's looks, and try it yourself for once.

Braced for the deluge of hate mail,

Movie quote answer key

Well the winner, with an amazing 14 points is Drew! Dynoman Dave came in a close second with 10 points! thanks for playing, Y'all, and Drew, your prize will be awarded as soon as I get to it. :)

Now the answers for those of you that were wondering, along with a few comments about each movie....

1) I know kung fu. Neo in The Matrix- gotta love it when he and agent smith have their fight in the subway station. Probably one of the best wire fighting scenes ever!
2) I find your lack of faith disturbing. Darth Vader in Star Wars: A New Hope, while he’s using the force to choke the life out of one of Grand Moff Tarken’s toadies. My second favorite quote from that movie is Tarken saying “Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.” Just before Luke blows the bejesus out of the Death Star, killing Tarken and everyone else aboard. My only question is why didn’t Luke react to the disturbance in the force of all those imperials dying at once? I am such a geek.
3) Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Bill S. Preston, Esquire in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. One of the best time travel movies ever made in my opinion. Second favorite line in this movie is Rufus (George Carlin) calmly putting on his shades and saying “Gentlemen, we’re history!” as he activates the time booth.
4) What the hell is a gigawatt!?! Marty McFly in Back to the Future part 1. I also love the scene when Doc Brown answers the door with the big mind reading thing on his head. Another great time travel movie.
5) I’ve been swimming in raw sewage. I love it. Lieutenant Frank Drebbin, Naked Gun 2 1/2 – The Smell of Fear. Leslie Neilsen proves his comedic timing once again in this movie, and for months after I first saw it, I would randomly spout this line at the most appropriate times I could find. Always made me laugh.
6) It’s a primitive culture. I’m just trying to blend in. Councilor Diana Troi, Star Trek: First Contact. I also love the line after this, where Riker says to her, “You’re blended, alright.”
7) Did you see how the door sticks a little? I’ll have to get a guy down here with a can of WD-40. Fred/Tech Sargeant Chen, Galaxy Quest, right after he blows the guard out of the airlock. I recently got the DVD, and there’s this great added scene where Fred leads the other engineers on board the protector to a really tough technical solution by just asking really simple questions, like “what does that mean? Uh-huh... so we should....” classic.
8)Just Fly. We got... something. I’m not saying what. Just trust me. Air force one pilot, Superman. This scene where Superman saves Air Force one is one of my more fond childhood movie memories. I can’t wait for the next movie.
9) Illinois Nazis. I hate Illinois Nazis. Jake Blues, the Blues Brothers. How could anyone not hate Illinois Nazis?
10) What part of Ethiopia are you from? 123rd street. Comicus (Mel Brooks) to Josephus (Gregory Hines) History of the World part one. You gotta love Josephus’s attitude and flair. Mr. Brooks, if you're out there, I still eagerly await part 2!
11) What a surprise. I’m having a heart attack, I’m so surprised. Iago, Aladdin. Gilbert Godfrey’s voice over lends so much to the character. Makes me want to run out and do voice overs.
12) Never go in with a Sicilian when death is on the line. Vesilli, the Princess Bride. Just before he drops over dead. I guess I just have a thing for famous last words, but my being half Sicilian also helped this one make the list. I also love how he refers to this as one of the world’s two great blunders... the other is “never get in a land war in Asia.”
13) When "Pirates of the Caribbean" breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists. Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park. This line is one of the movie’s many redeeming qualities. As long as you take the movie and the book to be separate works, it’s easy to enjoy both.
14) Zed’s dead, baby. Bruce Willis’s character, (Blanking on the name) Pulp Fiction. While I could go on about all my favorite moments in this movie, I will refrain. Just go watch it for yourself.
15)What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the Hula? Timone, The Lion King. The fact that seconds later, that is exactly what he does never ceases to make me smile. I also cry every time I watch the scene where Mufasa dies. Does that make me a wimp?

thank you all for playing!

Sunday, February 20, 2005

A truly all american sport...

While the Movie line Game rages on, (Drew is currently in the lead with 14 points!) I will pause to take this opportunity to tell Y'all about my weekend. Ringo, Buiscut and I headed out staurday morning for Brandon, Mississippi for a party at Spanky's. Java FooFoo was supposed to come with us, but the poor bunny was stuck in bed with the flu. (Hope you're feeling better by now, FooFoo!)

Dynoman, for those of you that know him, has created a sport that he takes way too seriously. The name of the game is Beerball. Basically, the game is two-handed touch football, (overseas readers- AMERICAN football, not soccer.) but the trick is, you must carry a full cup of beer or other beverage in one hand at all times for all plays. We gathered at Casa Spanky for the Spanky clan's housewarming party, and it was decided by the hosts that their backyard was the perfect beerball arena. It was a sunny day, and we were ready for a clasic gridiron showdown.

The first thing for us to do was pick a referee, and according to the official beerball league rules (I told you Dynoman takes this whole thing much too seriously) the person inn attendance with the least amount of knowledge about football is the ref, so it turned out to be Buiscuit. we separated into two teams, and laid out a few ground rules...

Rule 1- spilling your beer is a penalty to be determined by the ref.
Rule 2- The ref can pick any other behavior she chooses to call a penalty on.
Rule 3- the Quarterback had to be female.

team 1- (the Dynoman Drunkards) were me, Dynoman, Ringo, Mrs. Spanky's sister, and a friend of Spanky's from work, whose name escapes me, but we called him "Secret weapon"
Team 2- (the Spanky Spillers) Were Mrs. Spanky, Spanky, Mrs. Spanky's Kid brother, Lyric, and one of Spanky's neighbors that we named "Weapon of Mass Destruction"

Buiscuit got into her role as ref, blowing the whistle for all kinds of things... "thirty yard penalty for not being nice" was my favorite, but she was replaced in the second half by Dynoman's Wife, who got pretty inventive with her penalties... At one point, Dynoman had to do an entire play on his knees. He Rushed WMD and basically held him there. It was great! The Spanky Spillers had an immediate advantage in that The Kid brother was two young to drink beer, and played the entire game sober.

My team lost miserably, (24 to 11, I think) but by the end, everyone in attendance was laughing, having fun, and soaked in spilled beer. Quite frankly, that's what good sports are all about.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

The movie line game....

The following lines come from the Webkahunah’s favorite movies of all time. A Prize* will be awarded to the person who identifies the most, first. No cheating by using Google, (or any other search engine) please. Ones that have been correctly guessed will be put into bold print, and the first person to guess it will get a point. An extra point will be awarded if you can identify the character, as well. The person with the most points at the end of the week will be the winner.

1) I know kung fu.
2) I find your lack of faith disturbing.
3) Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.
4) What the hell is a gigawatt!?!

5) I’ve been swimming in raw sewage. I love it.
6) It’s a primitive culture. I’m just trying to blend in.
7) Did you see how the door sticks a little? I’ll have to get a guy down here with a can of WD-40.
8) Just Fly. We got... something. I’m not saying what. Just trust me.
9) Illinois Nazis. I hate Illinois Nazis.
10) What part of Ethiopia are you from? 123rd street.
11) What a surprise. I’m having a heart attack, I’m so surprised.
12) Never go in with a Sicilian when death is on the line.
13) When "Pirates of the Caribbean" breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists.
14) Zed’s dead, baby.
15) What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the Hula?

*Prize yet to be determined by Dogs of Atlantis management, and, should the winner not reside in the New Orleans Metro Area, to be shipped whenever The Webkahunah comes up with the fundage for said shipping. Prize may or may not be limited to whatever Mardi Gras beads are leftover from Robbie Gras 2005, but will almost certainly be more than just a little poodle made of said beads. Or not. We’ll just have to wait and see.:) The winner, and the answers will be revealed in a future blog entry.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

My lucky dimes...

On my front stairs there rests a Dime. It has been there since October. I first noticed the dime sitting there on the first night that Charity didn’t bother to come home. I was sitting there on the stoop, trying to keep myself from thinking the worst, and I noticed it sitting there on the third step. I don’t know how it got there, but I do know that I left it there. I don’t know why really... maybe I was just too upset to care... but about a week later, as I found myself sitting there after a particularly intense fight with Charity, I noticed it was still there! I know it sounds stupid, but it kinda renewed my faith in humanity that no one had bothered to pick it up yet. It’s easily visible from the sidewalk, and you wouldn’t have to stoop over or anything. But there it was... Heads up, just as I had last noticed it. A week or two later, when Charity left for good, I stood out on the stoop, looking at the night sky, feeling pretty bad about my life in general, and lo and behold... the dime was still there. This time, the dime spoke to me of resilliance. It was hanging in there, and so would I. I know this sounds silly, but this dime has really come to mean a lot to me. At least three of my friends have noticed it, and tried to pick it up, but all have put it back in place at my insistance. All looked at me funny, but I had taken to calling it my "lucky dime", so they didn’t call the boys in the white coats. I gotta tell ya, That dime is a trooper. Storms, wind, rain, lightning... It’s still there!

So, the other day I was doing some cleaning (Stop the presses!) and I came across a small piece of paper with a dime taped to it. On the paper in handwriting that was not my own was written “Rob’s lucky dime”. I can’t remember where it came from, but it’s safe to say that it had been in that pile for years.

All I could do was hold back the tears and smile.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Mardi Gras 2005

Well, today is the day where most new Orleans residents take to the street for some annual debauchery, otherwise known as Mardi Gras. Seeing as how that other important holiday, Robbie Gras, fell so close to Fat Tuesday this year, my friends and I did our celebrating for both last night.

For those of you not from New Orleans, Lundi Gras, (the holiday formally known as the Monday before Mardi Gras) Is in many ways just as fun as the big day. More so even, as the party doesn't stop at midnight. The crowds are not quite as extreme, (as everyone is resting for the parades on the big day) and people are still having a great time without being entirely too drunk. Beads are flying every which way, Liquor is flowing, people are smiling, nobody has to work the next day, and a good time is being had by all. This of course was the perfect night to get my friends together to celebrate my 35th trip around the sun.

We started out in my favorite watering hole, the Dry Dock Cafe in Algiers Point, which is only a five minute ferry ride from the French Quarter, where all the Mardi Action was going on that night. My close personal friend, Dyno-man, had appointed himself master of ceremonies for the evening, and set up a camera scavenger hunt for the evening, complete with what he referred to as "barter bags". They included the requisite Mardi gras beads, some swag from the Mr.T collection, (I pity the fool what wears them outta Mardi Gras) and some chocolates. Knowing that the last boat back to the Westbank was at midnight, we knew we only had a few hours to complete that hunt, and return to tell war stories. We split up into two teams of four.

On team Kahunah: Myself, Java FooFoo, Fratnip, and Lyric.
On team Dynoman: Dynoman, Ringo, RedWolf, and Biscuit.

Our victory all but assured, we trusted the Chocolates on our team to Java FooFoo, which as anyone who knows FooFoo knows, means we were not real likely to ever get them back, and in fact, it would be the last we saw of them that evening. On the ferry, I went over the list with Dynoman to make sure we understood it, and to make any amendments. Among the things on the list:

Get a t-shirt signed by as many female well wishers as possible, (5 points per signature)
Get a photo of a team member with five women (100 points)
Get a photo of team member getting a lap dance from a complete stranger (100 points)
Team member serenading a woman or women (100 points)
an undergarment of a complete stranger (100 points)

Well, you get the idea. I added to the list finding another random member of our little circle of friends that had not shown up at the dry dock in the mass of people on bourbon street (to be worth 1000 points). Dynoman agreed, and that would prove to be his teams undoing. We ran into both Renffeh and Crack Monkey on Bourbon later that evening, for a total of 2000 points.

When we first crossed paths with team Dynoman early in the evening, I confess I was worried. They had a whole lotta female signatures on their t-shirt, most extoling my bedroom prowess. My fears were alayed when Fratnip pointed out that while it was a lot of signatures, we already had a team member get a lap dance, and I had already serenaded a woman, so we were still ahead by at least 100 points.

There are of course many stories to be told from that night, but I think I will leave that to others. Suffice it to say, that FooFoo summed it up when she drunkenly told me at one point, "You know, Maybe it's just that it's your birthday celebration, or maybe it's the company, but I don't think I've ever had this much fun at Mardi Gras."

Neither have I. I have the best group of friends in the world.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Robbie Gras 2005- Annual state of the Rob address

My fellow Americans and assorted citizens of the world... today, as some of you out there already know, is my birthday. I woke up, so i guess I'm on the right track. This has been a rough year for me, but I am very thankful of the following things on this great holiday that I have deemed "Robbie Gras", which is french for "Fatten Rob".

1) The McGriddle. If someone can tell me how they get the syrup in there, I would love to know.
2) My friends. It is said a man is known by the company he keeps. I must be known as funny, charming, goofy, spontaneous, moody, quite nuts, and occasionally whipped. Hey! wait a minute...
3) My marriage. I know what you're thinking... but I mean more in terms of life experience. My marriage to Char may have been painful, but i have learned more about myself in the past few years than I thought possible.
4) That I woke up this morning. As a big child, I was always told that if I didn't loose some weight, I would never make it to twenty-five, much less thirty-five. But if forty is the new thirty.... (Does quick math calculation... lessee... carry the square of sixteen...) Yep. Still beat the naysayers. Nyah nyah nyah!
5) That there is another year ahead. I eagerly look foward to what it brings.

All of you out there looking to celebrate Robbie Gras should ajourn to the nearest Pub with a few friends, and spend the night telling each other exploits of your daring-do. all the better if you have beautiful women bringing you drinks while you do so. Robbie Gras is all about bringing people closer together.

Happy Robbie Gras, Y'all!

Friday, February 04, 2005

An Acronym? Who knew I could spell Acronym?

(Acronym generator swiped from Rhymibear's Realm)

Witty... Definately. Energetic.. If i have enough sugar in me, sure. Bright... I like to think so. Kind...kinda. Arty... Do finger paints count? Hardworking... Well, hardly working at least. Unreal... Fish. oh, wait... that's surreal. Nutty... Oh, yeah. Altruistic... Only if doesn't involve giving up my cheetos. Helpful... Depends. To women who need to loosen any restrictive clothing or say, put on suntan oil, definately. (Just joking. Please don't sick N.O.W. on me.)

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Top Ten things I need (or needed) to do before I die:

A few entries ago, I mentioned that both Metropolis and Graceland were on the list of things I needed to do before I die... well, I figured that showing y’all the update of that list might be good for an entry...

Top Ten Things I need to do before I die:
1) Work a miracle.
2) Solve one of the great mysteries. We are surrounded by mystery, people! Why are we here? Who built the sphinx? Is mankind alone in the universe? What happened to the Roanoke colony? How do they get the creamy filling into Twinkies? Okay... maybe not that last one, but you get my drift.
3) Travel through Time.
4) Drive a convertible up the California coast all the way to Alaska.
5) Leave Earth’s atmosphere.
6) Be a Dad.
7) Ride a raft through the Grand Canyon.
8) Travel through Europe.
9) Be recognized by a celebrity.
10) Pull off a great hoax. (Examples: P.T. Barnum's Piltdown man, Orson Wells “War of the Worlds” broadcast, The really famous Loch Ness Monster photos, etc.)

Things that were once on the list, but I have since done:
1) Save someone’s life
2) See Graceland and pay my respects to Elvis
3) Communicate with the dead... a blog entry in and of itself...
4) Visit Metropolis
5) Go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans
6) Learn to fly a plane and a helicopter (Fly, yes... land, very iffy.)
7) Learn to sail
8) Go on a trip with only ten minutes warning
9) Sleep on a beach

Things that are on the list, but not in the top ten:

Pee in all the worlds oceans
Write a novel
Be regarded as notorious
Become a folk hero
Run for public office
Twins :)
Make the world a better place
Prevent a War
Start a secret that historians will argue about for years to come.