Friday, February 09, 2007

Breaking News...

No, Anna Nicole hasn't died again. Does it disturb anyone else that the news channels gave more coverage to the death of America's favorite golddigger than they did to the death of President Ford? Lord help us when the drugs finally catch up with Paris.

Anyway, my breaking news is about how I spent a portion of last weekend putting new brakes on the Buick.

That's right, the 93 Buick now comes fully equipped with stopping at lights being more than just a happy suggestion.

"Doc Kahunah" can fix almost any car problem you see, so don't treat your lemon like a lemming... bring it to Doc Kahunah, and he'll doctor it up but good.

I have done literally dozens of brake jobs, and once you get over the intimidation of certain death if you should screw it up, they're pretty easy to do. You take the tire off, remove 2 bolts, take the old brake pads off, put the new pads on, put the bolts back, put the tire back on and you're done. It takes an hour if you have the right tools. The thing you absolutely need though, is a special tool to remove the two bolts I mentioned.

Fortunately, every GM car since 1970 has used the same tool for this... a 3/8 allen wrench. I got one at Autozone when I bought the new pads, but after I got the tire off, I went to use it and found out on the first bolt that the Buick is different. Inexplicably, it had a bolt that usually is only used on foreign cars.

So, I borrow a neighbor's car, go back to Autozone, face the humiliation of my former co-workers telling me that I don't know jack about my own car, and swap the wrong key for the right one. Finally, I get back under the Buick, remove the first bolt, and discover that the second bolt needs the tool I just returned.

I swear, my Dad could probably hear me cursing from his house 1500 miles away.

After I got over the sheer disgust of the situation, it was back to Autozone. This time, the former co-workers suggested politely that my school bus must have been very short indeed, and wondered aloud if the new job gets special money from the government for employing me. I took it all like a man, and just bought a full set of brake bolt removal tools.

Gladly, that was the last surprise the car had in store for me, for I was done about an hour later, and enjoying a celebratory beer. The Buick didn't take her 'surgery' well though, as evidenced by the two inch gash I wound up with on my left hand.

The Buick is a harsh mistress... she demands a blood sacrifice every time I pop the hood.

3 comments:

Mei said...

Cheer! Great job.
I better buy tools, just in case i needed to replace or fixed my .I always end up to an auto shop and cost me huge amount everytime i have car problems. You sounds like it's an easy job. Well, at least i can master changing pads and all sorts.

mei said...

Cheer! Great job.
I better buy tools, just in case i needed to replace or fixed my .I always end up to an auto shop and cost me huge amount everytime i have car problems. You sounds like it's an easy job. Well, at least i can master changing pads and all sorts.

Melinda Barton said...

Man, I should have called you when my car was broken. My brother gave me a '93 Geo Metro but it had a broken axle which my cousin said he could fix in a jiffy. So, he went to Autozone for the parts. This began a series of visits to Autozone over many months. They kept giving him the wrong part. He finally brought the old part in for comparison, which they couldn't find. This part isn't for a Geo Metro, they insisted. I was going to just sell Xena for parts or something. Finally, we found out that they had entered Geo's parts into the computer incorrectly so I would get my car all hooked up after all. Then, I had sex. And a big hurricane came and destroyed New Orleans. Xena died beneath the waves, but she will live on in my heart forever, especially since I am now forbidden from driving or operating heavy machinery.