Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Wedding woes...

For those of you that have been wondering about the wedding, it's still on... but there are a lot of issues that have cropped up that have put everything in jeopardy. After much deliberation, Silverfox and I have decided that it's okay to make the recent stumbling blocks we've hit public knowledge.

And I'm not talking small "speed bump in the wal-mart parking lot" stumbling blocks, either... I'm talking "Someone flew the Matterhorn in and expects you to climb it, fat boy" kinda stumbling blocks.

I don't even know where to begin... Many of you know about Silverfoxs Back problems, of course, Silverfox found out then that her wedding dress no longer fit (she has put on a little weight due to her back problems) So she orders a bigger one, and it doesn't fit either...

Still, we soldiered on... the dress thing sucks, but isn't insurmountable, right?

Then we found out that none of my family (including my brother/best man) is gonna be able to make it to the ceremony. I admit that I was dissapointed, but I understood completely... with gas at 4 bucks a gallon, I'll be lucky if I can make it to the wedding. After Silverfox and I talked about it, it seemed like we should still go ahead with it all (particularly with the idea of taking a trip up to new york for a second reception for my family bringing a smile to both our faces) My friend Janet has even offered to stand in for my Mom.

Even when Silverfoxes bridesmaids all tried to bail on us at the same time (figuring that my side was now a man short... a condition which only lasted the three minutes until I could contact a backup groomsman) we still were going through with it.

But then her uncle Vic had a stroke, and his house was the one we were planning on using as a staging area for the wedding (because he's only 5 minutes away from the location). Still, her uncle Leo had offered to pitch in and do all the grilling for us as a wedding gift... so we were still all gung-ho about it.

With love in our hearts and optimism in our step, last week we head down to the courthouse for the marriage license only to find out that we don't have the proper paperwork... specifically , our divorce papers and birth certificates. Silverfox freaked out a little (She lost most of the paperwork during Katrina) but I wasn't worried. All it would take is a phone call to the clerk of court for the divorce stuff, and an internet search to get a copy of my birth certificate (lost in a move, I think).

Except of course that to get a birth certificate over the internet (or phone) you need a debit card in the name of the person who needs the certificate, and my bank suspended mine when I had pneumonia. Still, I figured no problem... I can talk to the judge and maybe he can waive the requirement... So I call the county clerk and tell them I need a copy of my divorce papers.

They tell me that I'm not divorced at all, but still married to my ex wife.

You see, I had been told by my lawyer friend that all I had to do was file for divorce, wait 180 days, and the court system would take care of the rest... they would eventually mail me something that said 'you are officially divorced' to prove it. I fully intended on calling the court on the date (September 18th, 2005) and making sure that was what would happen. Unfortunately on August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina made landfall and things were absolute chaos down at the courthouse for months. Still, I had been assured that my divorce should now be legal and binding, (in fact, Stacey and Drew took me out on sept 18th for drinks to celebrate) so I didn't think to follow up on it.

So I ask the clerk what I have to do to clear this up, and they refuse to tell me because that would constitute 'Legal Advice' and I could sue them. I then called my friend, who tells me what I need to do (file for judgment) and exactly how to say this to the clerk of court. I call them back and they say 'you can't do that without a lawyer'.

I somehow restrain myself from buying a rifle and finding a clocktower, and figure at this point I have to somehow explain this to Silverfox. I thought for a moment that I should first hide her tazer, but then simply decided to do it over the phone (Tazers don't work over phone lines, do they?) . She was surprisingly understanding about it...but immediately rushes down to the courthouse to make sure that she's actually divorced (she is). I could still tell that it upsets her, and I vow to make this right somehow.

So I talk to a different lawyer, and he tells me that he thinks he can clear this up, but I'm gonna need the ex's co-operation to do so.

I haven't spoken to The ex in over a year at this point, and had no good contact info on her either. So I call her Mom, who tells me she ain't telling me nothing, my ex is in no condition to deal with any of this, and she (the mom) will only talk to my attorney. (I still don't officially have one because the guy who said he could clear it up said it was contingent on the ex's cooperation..) So I ask her what she means by "unable to deal", mostly out of concern. She again requests that my attorney call her, and hangs up on me.

After nearly breaking half the bones in my wrist and hand punching Silverfox's marble topped table in frustration, I have my Lawyer friend (the one who gave me the divorce advice to begin with) call her. He finds out Charity's in the loony bin again, (commited or just another two week vacation? your guess is as good as mine) but for sure unable to consent to anything legaly.

My hopes for settling this quickly evaporated like a puff of smoke flying out of a Dragon's butt after eating too many mexicans.

Silverfox and I talked it over (while I wished to myself that I was a widower rather than a non-divorcee) and decided that going forward with the ceremony was the thing to do... sure, it wouldn't be super official, but we have friends already coming in from out of town, deposits on the location, and the sincere desire to commit to each other... a bonus would be that we could later have the legally binding ceremony up in NY with my family present...

Of course, Janet isn't sure how she feels about going from "stand in mother of the groom" to "Stand in mother of the polygamist".

Then Silverfoxes Uncle Leo got hospitalized after a car accident. He's stable, but probably won't make the wedding. This left us without any food for what we estimate to be around thirty guests.

As the icing on the cake, Silverfox has been summoned for Jury Duty on the day of the wedding. Sure, getting married would be enough to get her out of it, but they're gonna want to see the Marriage license. It doesn't help her state of mind (or mine) that her Mom keeps telling her that she should postpone the wedding, and her brother has refused to walk her down the aisle.

Though, on the beach we won't really have an aisle...

Ever feel like somebody was trying to tell you something?

The short of it is that we're still going through with it... weither or not it will be legal and if I will be a bigamist or not is questionable. But I'll tell ya... if a hurricane or tropical storm even so much as twitches in our direction the week of the wedding they may have to fit both me and Silverfox for adjoining rubber rooms in the nuthouse next to the ex.

Update: The second Lawyer informed me today that because of the exs condition, he would need a 1500 dollar retainer to tackle this, but I should be prepared to face court costs of 3000 bucks. Also, because the papers were filed back in 2005, we would have to start the whole thing from scratch. That's just freaking lovely.

11 comments:

sinister_n_evil said...

Trying to stay posative in this is virtually impossible, but these are the alternatives... so vote for which one you think is best...

1) Cancel the "ceremony" and throw Charles' 3rd birthday party instead...

2) Spoof the "ceremony", and just have a party with friends

3) Have an official Handfasting giving Rob a year and a day to get everything in place...

4) Hold a scavenger hunt

5) make it a potluck "charity" event to raise the 3K for expences of the divorce

6) Buy several padded bats to vent frustrations of all of this on the legal advisor

7) Declare it a party day and insist everyone bring boose

these are just a few options... feel free to make your own sugestions...

Melinda Barton said...

I say go through with the ceremony, because:

Someone... ahem... already bought a Hawaiian shirt and not one but two Hawaiian yarmulkes (didn't like the first) and a wedding present that, according to the laws of G-d and previously according to the laws of man, you're not supposed to use before you're officially hitched.

That someone has even been working on the appropriate "First Officer's Toast to her Captain on the day he finally swears off Orion slave girls for good".

That someone is also willingly surrendering a well-earned supply of free beer!

I'll give you the present anyway and pretend you're not besmirching my reputation as a moral, upstanding Jew. I'll chip in for vittles. I'll even allow you to take my picture (although my yarmulke will be covering my face haha).

But damnit! I was promised a bridesmaid and I'm getting one one way or the other!

Screw the law and what's legal! We all know what's right! I say we have a Hawaiian handfasting, commitment ceremony-ing, slap-in-the-face of monogamists everywhere hootenanny in New Orleans!

Then strippers... Yeah, that's it! Strippers... and doooooooooooughnuts. Drool!

sinister_n_evil said...

Don't worry Mel... Brandy, the bride's maid you are standing with is going to be there...

Melinda Barton said...

Great! I always liked a nice hot cup of Brandy! Don't tell her I said that! hehe

Look, this is technically a lesbian wedding. The drama proves it! So screw the legalities and focus on the hot lesbian lovin'.

If I have to, I'll put on the yarmulke and perform the ceremony myself. We'll make a chuppah from a Superman sheet. There's a nice passage from the Book of Ruth that's perfect for lesbian weddings. Then, you and Rob can stomp a Dixie cup! Glass on the beach is a no-no.

And the nice dinner: Red-flavored koolaid, Vienna sausages, generic "Ritz" crackers and some squeezee cheez. Oooh... And cupcakes!

sinister_n_evil said...

that sounds like an adventure... dave has his own take on this... see his blog for details...

my mom is saying I should ditch the whole thing cause it would make rob a polygamist...

ducky has chimed in with his support as well...

I have chosen to hide under a rock until this drama blows over

Canardius said...

I say we argue that the insipid tribulations that befell the Ex make her marriage -- and any legal bindings her sanity requires-- null and void.

And we celebrate with a feast that makes the Donations of Alexandria between Antony and Cleopatra look like a Pre-K schoolday. That spurious legal advisor of yours can be our first sacrifice to Jupiter Optimus Maximus. And I can be the designated driver, so everyone else can get as fermented as they want.

As long as Melinda saves me a date with one of the bridesmaids. I have not had a date in over 425 days [I stopped counting at 2 years 2 months].

Melinda Barton said...

Tell Mom to chill. It won't make Rob a polygamist. You need more than two wives for that. It makes Rob a bigamist.

No, really, the first marriage has long since been null and void. The only thing left is to get that written on a dead, processed tree. Then, you can have the legal stuff without having to open up a compound in the New Mexican desert.

Sorry. I figure you guys need the comic relief and pictures of me naked just aren't happening! I know: sigh of relief.

Sandi G said...

Let me know if you need me to give Silverfox away. I already gave her to you once. I can do it officially this time.

Anonymous said...

THATS IT ME AND SOME OF THE BOYS ARE GOING TO COME DOWN THERE AND KICK ASS NEW YORKES DONT PUT UP WITH THE BULL S-T I THINK YOU ALL SHOULD HAVE THE WEDDING AND SCREW THE REST WHEN IN DOUT SHOOT THEM
REMBER DONT SWEAT THE SMALL S--AND THAT IS ALL SMALL S--T
POP POP ROB

sinister_n_evil said...

Thanks Sandi and Poppa Rob... I will keep all of this in mind barring any tropical storm developments...

Johnathan said...

I STILL think 9/9/9 is just as cool as 8/8/08.

When the universe starts a talking you should really be a listening!

Plus...the lesbian action here is giving me gas.