To Short Stuff, at age 26 and Pint Size, at age 23:

Boys,

Let me apologize now for all the mistakes I'm gonna make in the next twenty years... but I want you both to know that I only had your best interests at heart... I think I'm a fair man, but I am also a worrier and overprotective... but there is no way either of you is getting a car out of me till you're eighteen, and even then, no eating Nachos in the car. Ask your Uncle Chris why.

Short Stuff... Right now you are six, and a lot of fun to be around. Your favorite thing in the world is Star Wars, and your favorite toy is your Legos. Your mother and I joke all the time that you will grow up to be a fanboy like your parents... so chances are you're helping us plan Coastcon 52 right now. You're really smart, to the point where your first grade teacher tells us you have problems in school because you didn't want to pair up with other kids you feel slow down your learning. You just learned how to read books on your own, and your favorite ones are about animals. You also have a great empathy about those around you, and I have a feeling no matter where life takes you, you'll wind up helping people. My guess is that you'll be either a Psychologist or a Vet by the time you read this. I know that whatever you choose, you'll make me proud of you.

Pint Size... Right now you are three and just learning to walk and talk, but you have a wonderful happiness about you that is infectious. Your favorite show is the Wonder Pets, and your favorite nursery rhyme is "itsy bitsy spider". Your favorite toy is an animatronic Elmo that you use to practice your Lucha Libre moves on. You have a fascination with belts and straps, and will play endlessly with one if you get your hands on it. Despite your being a person of special needs, I am convinced that you will be a Scientist when you grow up, because you have a fascination with how the world around you works that I think goes beyond simple childhood curiosity. A lot of people around us that care about you worry about how you will get by as an adult with the challenges that life has presented you, but not me and Mom. We both have a strange faith that you'll do just fine, and make us just as proud as your brother will.


Twenty years isn't as long as it seems at your age. As I write these words, you are already developing the personalities that I know have made you the exceptional men that I know you will become. Your Mom and I are thinking about adding another child to our already unusual family, primarily because of all the joy and laughter you both bring us on a daily basis. I have only been your Stepdad for about a year, but you both mean more to me than I think I will ever be able to express. I hope that one day, you will both choose to take my last name as your own, but I'll totally understand if you choose not to.


Really, just think about it, okay? No pressure... Just remember that you both have several kicks to the crotch coming to you from your old man in revenge for these first years as your Dad, and even if my legs don't work, I'll find a goddamn bat. If you're both Cerios by the time you read this, I may reconsider. Either way, when you have kids of your own, grandpa's gonna spend his weekends teaching them how to take a knee to Dad's groin.


Love,
Dad, age 38.

And to think, I joined this family willingly...

Three things that I have need to note:

1) Short Stuff has a habit of butting in whenever Silverfox and I are arguing within earshot. His point is always "You shouldn't yell. You're married now. You have to love each other! It's required." Makes us laugh and calm down every time. We've taken to calling him our 6-year-old marriage councilor.

2) Silverfox gave her brother a truck she had when he got out of jail as a "I have faith that you're a responsible adult now" gift. Two weeks ago, he totaled it by running into the back of a parked police car. His reason? He was eating Nachos.

3) We picked up Pint Size from his bio-dad today, as he had been staying with him during Silverfoxes recovery. Much to our delight and surprise, he has learned to speak English. When his mom offered him a bottle today, he said clearly and distinctly "Yes, I want a baa." Our theory is that the bio-dad is such a horrid father that Pint Size was forced for the first time to use language if he wanted to get his point across.

I love my woman, but she's insane.

Tonight, my channel flipping alighted on a broadcast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show for a few minutes. Before I could change the channel, My darling bride jumps up and starts acting along with the movie, making all the appropriate and inappropriate callouts, and doing her own one-woman show along with the images on the screen:

Blurry, I know, but I was laughing too hard to hold my cameraphone straight. It was like watching "Dude, Where's my car?"... a sight so incredibly silly that you feel stupid and guilty watching it, but at the same time are endlessly entertained by it. I really wanted to change the channel, but just couldn't bring myself to because Silverfox was just having such a good time. Then to my horror, as the "Time warp" segment started, Short Stuff got up and started dancing around the living room with his mom.

Note the look of relief on Pint Size's face as he watches in wonder from the couch... We are a family of goobers, it seems.

School spirit week for Short Stuff:-)

So we invested in a propeller beanie for funny hat day. Adorable, ain't he?

I gots the mad pumpkin carving skills:-)

Tonight, short stuff and I carved pumpkins in what i hope will become an annual event. I think we did pretty good, even if he did insist that i loudly say "ewww" every time I put my hand inside it. :)

After his bathroom fun...

Pint size decides to get some practice time in on Rock band 2 in preparation for saturday's party.

Pint size is such a goober.

Last night, pint size worked out how to turn the bathroom doorknob. We found him in this comprimising position a few minutes later.

The Wedding... (also known as the best day of my life)

Well, it's official... even though at times the entire universe seemed to be trying to stop us, on 8/8/08, Silverfox and I tied the knot in Fountainebleu state park.

I guess that makes the score Rob 1, universe 100,000,000,000.

To Recap: When last we left our hero, he had managed to get officially divorced from psychoex, and skipped merrily from there to the courthouse to get a marriage license. (By my watch, that means I was legally a bachelor for all of 32 minutes, 17 seconds... barely enough time to scratch myself and belch a few times.) The judge at the courthouse waived the requirement for his birth certificate, and the required 72 hour waiting period so that he and his true love could tie the knot all legal- like. On the way home form the courthouse however, further perils awaited our intrepid duo as their faithful truck started making horrible clunking sounds and had to be put down (the rear differential went out... a 7638 to 1 probability).

The next day was spent mostly entertaining my high school chum that had flown in for the wedding, and insisting that Silverfox not stress out about cleaning Casa Kahunah. She met my buddy and I later in Starbucks, after taking the time out to get her hair done. I swear, she looked like her blood pressure was about to make Krakatoa look like a bottle rocket.

"Honey?" I asked innocently, "Why are you stressing so hard about the condo being clean? It's not like the wedding is there."

"No," Silverfox said, "But if your aunt and uncle are coming in from out of town, they'll want to stay there..."

"Look Foxy..." I said, trying to put her mind at ease, "there is no way my Aunt and Uncle are crazy enough to try to make that trip. It's a 22 hour drive!"

"Are you sure?" She asked.

"Yep." I said, pulling out my cell phone, "Here... let me call them right now so you'll know that Uncle Lou is safe on his couch watching American Chopper."

Except of course, he wasn't. My Aunt Jo, (god love her) had decided that she was not going to miss her godson's second wedding, so she jumped into the car and drove for two and a half days to make it. She intended on just showing up and surprising us at the park, but my Cousin Jessie spilled the beans on the phone when I called.

So, the morning of the wedding was more stressful than I had hoped, but I was still stoked that I was actually going to have some family there. There were a million and one things that needed doing, people that needed rides to the ceremony co-ordinated for them, a bridesmaid that backed out at the last minute due to a death in the family. My brain was racing at about warp 3 and in the middle of it all, I remembered something that I had left undone at work. So I call my co-worker Mama Janet, who had already handled what I had called about, and gave me some advice that would be my mantra for the day:

"At the end of the day, you'll still be married. Just keep reminding yourself that."

We got to the park, and it was a beautiful day... it was overcast enough that everyone was cool and comfortable. Silverfox decided that rather than get hitched on the beach, we should have the ceremony at the pavilion that we rented for the reception. After a few bumps in the road (Confusion about the dress code and the time of the ceremony, our grillmaster coming in at the last minute) Silverfox made herself scarce to change into her wedding dress, while I sat around chatting with my friends and trying not to look nervous:
After an eternity, the Reverend Captain David Brou Haydel greeted our assembled guests with a cheery "Aloha!":Yes, I still look nervous, I know. We had no music as our wedding party approached our makeshift altar or as each of them made a traditional blessing to our wedding, but Dave had everyone hum "here comes the bride" when Silverfox came out of hiding and was escorted by her brother to my side: Boy, Charlotte (lower right) sure looks happy that we're getting married, don't she? to be fair, that is her kid on the table in front of her, about to make a break for it.

To continue...

"Mawidge is the weason we are gaddered here two day. For Wov…True Wov is what this couple found, and they have come here today to unite and take on wife as one force." Dave began, "And if you don't know why that's funny, you're probably at the wrong wedding."Silverfox and I had written the entire ceremony ourselves, and I was really happy when most of our friends said the line "Wov, true Wov" along with Dave.

Dave continued after the laughter died down, making it through the sand ceremony with the kids, adding a few song lyrics of his own, but making it quickly to the vows.

"Cheri, do you take Rob to be your husband, and promise to put up with his stupid jokes, encourage his dreams of being a rock star/super hero/scientist/writer, and just let him win every third argument?"

(big laugh from the crowd)

"I do." She said as I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Do you also promise to put up with his fanboy obsessions and quirks, let him have the remote and cherish him with devoted love and faithfulness from this day forward to infinity and beyond?"

(another laugh at the Toy Story reference)

"I do."

"Are you sure?"

(another big laugh)

"Yes."

God, she was beautiful... I felt weak just looking at her as Dave began my vows.

"Rob, You have the right to remain silent."

(big laugh from the crowd)

"Anything you say can and will be held against you for the rest of your life. You have the right to cry on her shoulder whenever you need to. If you cannot afford undermining your masculinity in this way, you are allowed to vent your frustrations during your gaming sessions or pre-approved guy nights. Under no circumstances are you permitted to self medicate with street pharmaceuticals, however social drinking will be tolerated in pre-designated rationing.

You can decide at any time from this moment on to terminate this union but fear her wrath and the wrath of all in attendance should you choose to do so. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?"

"I Do."

"And knowing this, to you still take her to be your wife, and to love and cherish her to infinity and beyond?"

"I Do."

At this point... and I swear I am not kidding here... the distant sound of thunder interrupted the ceremony. Everyone laughed at the timing, but I wondered silently to myself if the universe was a little pissed off that we made it to this moment despite everything it had thrown at us. We exchanged rings, and before I could blink, we were pronounced Kahunah and Wahini.

The torches behind us, while most would think were just there to set the mood, served a larger function... one was there to represent Silverfoxes Dad, who passed away a few years ago. The others were there to represent my parents and brother, who couldn't make it down for the ceremony.

Our wedding cake was almost too cute to cut into:
But we did, and it was yummy. The surf board cookies around the edge were wonderful.

The reception was informal, but exhausting... here is pint size falling asleep on a friend of our family as proof...
According to the ranger at the front gate, 50 people attended our wedding... not too shabby for a Friday afternoon.

It seemed like it took forever for Silverfox and I to get to the B&B we had booked for our wedding night, but it was totally worth it. The room was beautiful, and the innkeeper had some snacks and champagne waiting for us.

As we lounged together in the swimming pool outside our room with a blanket of stars above us, I looked at the ring on my finger and realized that Mama Janet was right... here it was, the end of the day, and we were married.

Thank you to everyone that pitched in that day, and everyone that came to celebrate the moment with us. Your thank you cards will be in the mail soon.

Next time, I'll tell you about my Aunts New Orleans adventures, and her first gay pride parade.

Because he is adorable:-)

Pint size refuses to give autographs.

My big fat greek post...

Today I feel I have officially turned a proverbial corner. I have decided for the first time in my life that I need to lose weight.

I know, another idle diet promise from a fat guy that takes great pride in being fat... but this time is different. As many of my friends will tell you, I kind of enjoy being fat. I also like tearing down the stereotype that you can't be fat and healthy... my recent bout with pneumonia aside, I am both... Furthermore, I feel that my size has always served the vital function of keeping shallow people at arms length, allowing me to develop more true friendships than most people will ever have the pleasure of having. I also really like the whole "fat and jolly" thing that most people associate with the overweight. I am fat. I am also jolly. A pretty good fit, all things considered. I have certainly never been ashamed of something that makes me... well, me.

So, what's changed? Let me tell you about my day...

Today was the first day of the Greek festival here in New Orleans. I look forward to getting my fix of Greek food every year, and have always had a good time doing it. This year me, Silverfox and Short Stuff decided to make a family outing of it.

There are a lot more kids activities to do at the Greek fest in recent years. They've added a few moon walks, a sand pit, face painting, a climbing wall, and several other things for families to do. One of these things is Canoeing on Bayou St. John.

I will admit that I haven't been in a canoe in years... not since college, at any rate... But I enjoy canoeing... I'm actually fairly good at it. I know how to steer one, what to do if you capsize, and how to get into one from the water. (thank you boy scouts) In short, while I may be a little rusty, I am probably a better canoer (sp?) than your average Joe shmoe off the street that has been mixing his Grappa and his Ouzu all day.

So, Silverfox and I decided that we would take Short Stuff for a ride out on the bayou. It didn't hurt that under the Filmore street bridge is a Geocache that is only accessible from the water... Silverfox was down with the idea on that basis alone. We had actually been planning for about a week to do this. Short Stuff was pretty psyched about it too, and he kept asking when we were going in the canoe from the moment I pulled up in front of the festival to the moment we walked up to the rental tent.

There were waivers that we had to sign, and we happily signed them. there were fees to be paid, and we happily paid them. We even borrowed plastic baggies to put our cell phones in, just in case. As I stepped forward in anticipation, I was approached by a gruff old man.

"I'm sorry, but I can't let you have a canoe." he said.

It took a second for me to realize what he said. "Huh?" I said, "why not?"

"I don't have a life jacket that will fit you." he said.

"Okay..." I replied, looking at the long adjusting straps on the life jackets, "I'm an excellent swimmer, and the bayou is only five feet deep at it's deepest, but I understand that you have liability issues. Can I at least try one on and we'll see?"

"No. I'm not giving you a canoe." He said.

"Look, I've been in a canoe before... I know what I'm doing."

"No." he said, getting a little nasty with his tone, "I've seen guys your size capsize too many times to let you in one of my canoes. Plus that, you'll break the seats. I don't want to deal with that."

I admit I was at a loss for words at this. Anyone who has ever been in a canoe knows that you don't actually sit on the seats in a canoe... you kneel on the hull and sort of lean against the seat, never putting you full weight on it.

"Excuse me?" I said.

"You're too heavy." he said, like that was what I wasn't understanding.

"First of all..." I said, trying to keep my tone civil, "You have no idea how much I weigh. Secondly, you're trying to tell me that I'm gonna capsize when you have no idea what my skill level is with this based solely on my size. Doesn't that strike you as a little bigoted?"

"Just give him his money back!" he barked at the kids working the table as he walked away.

I stood there for a moment as Silverfox took our money back, not really sure what to do. I thought for a moment about making a scene... but I realized that this guy was just being an ass and there was little I could do to change his mind. I mentally chalked it up to his stupidity and took a deep breath and walked away.

Then I saw Short Stuff's face. "We're not going on the canoe?" he said in a very small voice, with tears welling up in his eyes.

I had to explain to this child that it wasn't his fault, that he had been a very good boy, but it was my fault we weren't going on the canoe ride we had promised him.

Never again.

Mobicon highlights...

Last weekend, as many of you know, was Mobicon... and Friday found Silverfox and I transporting an elaborate Stargate prop for Area 504, who take their decorating way too seriously. The main reason that we were asked to transport this Stargate was not because it was about to overload and take half the world with it, but because our truck was one of the few owned by club members that was actually big enough to do the job... without even having to open a hyperspace window.

Okay... that reference was way geeky even for me. The drive was nice, if a little rainy. We passed the three hours with topics like "What do you think Short Stuff wants for his birthday?", "When are you gonna ask me to marry you, you jerk?" (my answer: "before the wedding."), "Do you think it's too early to teach Pint Size to swim?", "Damn, gas is expensive." and the ever popular "Should I pass this trailered boat on the port or on the starboard?"

It was worth the gas money though, because The Gate looked great when fully assembled:After arriving at the hotel, I pulled Silverfox aside and asked her to indulge my romantic side for a moment. I took her out to the hotel courtyard, where just a year before I first laid eyes on this incredible woman that would change my life forever, and explained to her just how much she means to me. I then pulled out the biggest ring I could find:and officially asked her to marry me. That's right... the entire time that she had been telling me in the car how I needed to hurry up and ask, I was quietly smirking to myself knowing that I was about to. There were tears... there was laughter... and it was the perfect moment. "Now I can have my bachelorette party, right?" she asked. I knew full well that she had rounded up a veritable posse of chickdom to come to the con with just that purpose in mind... and I also knew that people would want to see her ring, which is why it was important for me to pop the question before the party.

I would have actually done it weeks ago, but somehow proposing while wheezing in bed with pneumonia seems less than romantic. I admit I was pretty proud of myself every time she waved the ring (which she wore on her wrist most of the con) and said "Check out the size of the rock Rob got me!"

The Friday night was mostly uneventful, but I did get to network a little with a fellow paranormal researcher that was a guest at the con. I introduced myself and found out for the first time in my life that my fame had proceeded me. Apparently at the guest Meet and greet, someone had told him that I would be at the con, and he had to meet me. We sat there and talked shop until another con guest started bending spoons. I snickered and made Uri Geller jokes until my lovely but drunk fiance totally ruined this poor guy's game with "drunk logic":

Her: "If I can't see the spoon at all times, how can I tell for sure that you really bent it?"
Him:"The spoon is bent, isn't it?"
Her:"You could have switched spoons!"
Him:"When did you stop believing in Santa Claus?"
Her:"Irrelevant. show me that spoon, damn you!"

I know from my own studies that spoon bending is a load of crapola, but I really felt sorry for the poor guy.

Saturday was fun. The video gamers room had Rock Band, and at any given time it seemed like either Dave or I (or both) were in there playing. We went out as a group to dinner at Carrabas, which was awesome. Saturday night Captain Chaos and Catastrophe boy made an appearance:

And were completely overshadowed by Mistress Chaos (Silverfox lookin Superfoxy!) :And of course, her bevy of babeage... pictured below are Mrs Ringo and Itchygoya. I'll leave it to you to figure out which is which:I know... I know... the groom-to-be isn't supposed to interact with the bachelorette party... and he didn't. That's the ever dashing Captain Chaos, not me.

So, the ladies bought themselves a couple of slaves for the evening, who Mistress Chaos took great delight in completely humiliating through various points during the night... the funniest had to be when I walked past them and one slave was walking the other on a dog leash.

The whole charity slave auction was big fun on a bun this year, even if it did drag on for a bit. My buddy Mike came as a British admiral intent on catching pirates...and nearly caused me to pass out with laughter when he bought himself a slave. It was so out of character for the guy. here he is pictured with said slave: I later found out he sold her to another guy after getting a back rub. The cool thing is he didn't keep the money, but instead donated it all to the charity the slave auction was raising money for. Dude is a surprisingly class act.

The next day found me in the middle of a heated Risk game that was the stuff of legend. All I will say beyond that is that I adore my friends for all the laughter and fun they bring into my life.

Traffic on the way home wasn't bad with the exception of an accident caused by a shipwreck:
When we passed it, I smiled at Silverfox and said "He obviously didn't pass to starboard."

It was a great weekend.

So, Rob... How's the ex?

Still batty as a freaking bedbug, as evidenced by the following myspace bulletin posted by her sister:

On Saturday, me and my mom and my schizophrenic sister were driving home and then a drunk driver quickly drove in front of us! he was in a big truck with a Copeland boat connected to the back. My mom looked at him and said she was almost sure it was Al Copeland's son! Well we quickly stopped when the truck drove in front of us. My sister rolled down her window and yelled "SEX POT F@#KHEAD!" at him. This made him very mad, so he started trying to hit us with his boat by trying to back it into our car. Eventually we just backed up until the boat was no longer a threat and he eventually drove away. The entire time my mom and sister were dramatically screaming! After the incident, they started talking about philosophy and how Jesus spared our lives.

It was an exciting experience!

I'll bet. It's remembering "excitement" like this that still wakes me up in the middle of the night thanking god that I finally realized I needed to move on with my life. I've been struggling with whether I should tell the ex that I'm
about to get married again... but then I hear about things like this and I can't help but think that keeping her out of my life completely is the way to go. Maybe I'll just tell her sister, and let her tell her.

Inlaw Tech support

I'm on the road to recovery from the pneumonia I wound up with... the bad news is that I still had to miss almost three weeks of work. God willing, I should be able to go back next week.

Anyway, I'm riding to the doctors office the other day with Silverfox when she gets a call from her Mom, who wants to move her computer desk, but doesn't know if she can just unplug it and move it or not. She tells Silvermama that it should be fine, as long as she turns it off first. problem is, she's not sure how to do do that. Silverfox tells her to pull up the start menu and click on "turn computer off". Silvermama can't seem to do it.

Well, as amazing and talented as she is, Silverfox can't deal with this and drive without running us into a canal, so she hands me the phone.

Me: "Tech support..."
Her:"I'm looking at the screen and it's blank."
Me:"Is it on?"
Her:"I don't know."
Me: "push the switch on the base of the monitor."
Her:"A light came on. It's blue."
Me: "that's good. It should come right up."
Her:"Wait. it just turned orange. is that bad?"
Me:"No. it's just in standby mode. Move the mouse or hit a key on the keyboard and it should come up."
Her: "Does it matter which key?"
Me:"No. tap on any of them."
Her: "Nothing's happening."
Me: "Really?"
Her:"Just the orange light, sugar."
Me: "silvermama, look at the front of the CPU. are any lights on?"
Her:"The what?"
Me:"The tower under the desk. Is there a blue light on in front of it?"
Her:"No."
Me: (trying not to laugh) "your computer is already off. just unplug it if you want to move it."
Her:"It was already off?"
Me: "Yep."
Her: "Lord help me... I hate these machines."

I tell her it's alright and chuckle before hanging up the phone. Silverfox just looks at me and shakes her head before cracking up.

Best. Year. Ever.

To all that posted on their blogs wishing me a happy Birthday/Robbie Gras, I thank you all for your kind wishes and warm fuzzies... but I think Melinda won the comedy award this year, by saying this:

For those of you who don't know, today marks a holiday celebrated throughout the United Federation of Planets, Robbie Gras! Today, the great and powerful Rob has completed yet another trip around Sol. But don't give him too much credit. The planet did most of the work.

Short, to the point and very, very funny. I laughed for at least five minutes.

Robbie Gras 2008 started out for me at 5 am with my clock radio belting out my favorite Billy Joel song. Silverfox even rolled over and said "Wow... that's kinda weird... Your favorite song on your birthday?"

"Through Robbie Gras, all things are possible, my dear."

We went out to the Metarie Parade Route to set up Camp Kahunah, (Pictured below with Brouhaha in front of the tiki god acting like his usual ham-tastic self.)
Note the palm tree cooler and tiki god... it was quite a sight.

I sat out on the parade route by myself for a while to reserve our territory, as Silverfox had to head back home to load up the food, kids, and my Dad. As I watched others clamber about in the early morning light setting up folding chairs, tents and ladders I had some time to think.

This has been an extraordinary year to be Rob... and it's only February. I'm finally getting the hang of this "Dad" thing, My birthday fell on Mardi Gras which fell on "super Tuesday", I'm with an incredible, funny, charming woman that can cook an equally incredible barbeque meal for me and thirty of my closest friends, my Dad came down to visit for the first time in years, the Giants won the effing super bowl, and had their victory parade on my birthday as well.

I'm truly beginning to think that somebody up there likes me.

Dad in his element

Dad is in town for a few days. Rather than hit the french quarter, we hit a muddy rail yard. That's dad for ya.