Tuesday, May 15, 2007

A dish best served cold does not begin to describe it.

First of all, I would like to express my gratitude for the outpouring of support that followed yesterday's blog. I truly appreciate all the comments and text messages I got. Nice to feel like the rest of the world cares :) I'm doing okay, though my thoughts right now are twisting toward revenge unto those what scorned my pappy. (Watched a lot of old Popeye cartoons over the weekend... sorry.)

First, I considered driving the 1500 or so miles to leave a bag of flaming dog poop on my uncle's front porch, but dismissed that as a touch juvenile. Well, that and I realized that if I really wanted to do that, I have agents in place that can do it for me without having to drive further than across the room to my cell phone. Agents who I can disavow knowledge of should the need arise. (best kind of agents... heh heh heh)

Then I calmed down slightly and called The coolest girl in the world, (yes, I am cool enough that I have the coolest girl in the world's phone number... but it ain't like that, so don't playa hate, y'all.) Who suggested mailing the offending parties a dead squirrel or two via third class mail. This was a great idea, (she is the coolest girl in the world, after all) but I get ill to my stomach just disposing of a mouse trap, much less while mailing a dead furry mammal.

During our conversation, she said something that has been ringing around my brain ever since.... "Perhaps it's time to enact some of the more elaborate revenge schemes you've come up with over the years, Rob."

I'm not a vengeful sort, folks... but I do believe that the universe has its own way of keeping itself just. If that includes, say, an anonymous tip to the authorities saying that you saw a number of dead hookers in the trunk of your next-door neighbor's brand new car that he insists on parking in your parking space every day, well then that was what the universe needed to balance itself.

In the spirit of such, I have often been called upon as a consultant in the fine art of getting even over the years. Many of my best laid plans have never come to fruition, as it's been my experience that a lot of time the vengeful person feels better by only to planning the vengeance... not the actually going through with it.

Completely dismantling an a**holes car and leaving the pieces around the city, then leaving him a map with the location of the parts is a lot more fun to plan than do. The thought of walling up all the entrances to the school newspaper with bricks and mortar because they published an unflattering picture is worth a laugh or two, but is really difficult to do without getting caught. Scaring the bejeusus out of a teacher that gets on your case for not doing your homework with what amounts to a big toy ray gun would be cool... but might also be good for a talk with the department of homeland security.

It's really very simple, folks... Imagination + Dark Humor= Great vengeance schemes + catharsis.

Anyway... as a result, many of my more elaborate schemes have sat on the shelf for many years. Some I admit to being impractical, like turning someone's prized in ground pool into a large vat of jello is really difficult if you don't have acess to the property, or a way to cool the jello down to gelling temperature.

Some are simply not financially viable, like sending as many animal performers and spacewalks to a bachelor's home, (with the understanding that to be paid, they must stay at this location) at various times throughout the day under the guise of a fictitious children's party being held there.

He, he, he. I defy anyone not to go ballistic by the time the llamas get there.

So, maybe I'll just content myself that I could come up with a daring and appropriate revenge scheme for now. After all, there is a slim chance that I will eventually run into these people at some god-awful family event, so I probably shouldn't do anything. Maybe I'll just leave it to Dad to mete out whatever retribution he feels appropriate. In fact, I'm gonna call him tonight to let him know I've got his back... maybe he'll feel better if we plan us some "revenge we'll never go through with" too.

Plus that, when I think about it... I doubt Grandma would have approved of me sending one of those big exterminators tents to my uncle's houses while they're all at work...

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