And they say video games never hurt anyone...

See that blue line? That's where the doctor is gonna cut into my hand and stitch it back together to correct my carpal tunnel syndrome. No injections, no braces, do not pass go, go right to surgery. Doctor said it's a really serious case, and this is my only option if I want to feel what I touch with my left hand ever again.

Sigh.

I went on an investigation last night...

And boy, are my arms tired. Last night was the first official investigation of my new ghost hunting/paranormal investigation group, the Jefferson Parish Paranormal Society. The team did great, and I'll make sure I give y'all more info as I get around to setting up the official website, and reviewing last night's evidence.

Some funny on a Sunday...

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are ... you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."

Funny Things To Do At Wal-Mart While Your Spouse Is Taking Her Sweet Time

The Christmas shopping season is upon us, Ladies and Gentlemen... and if you're like me, you find shopping a bit... tedious when it primarily involves following the woman you love around the store, while keeping an eye on her purse. Try one of the following the next time sheer absurdity of the situation gets to you (most of which will work just as well in K-mart, Target, or Walgreens Pharmacy):

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a McDonalds, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud ..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Some funny on a Friday...

From the DOA management: "Rob's wacky friends week" will begin on Monday, to give Rob a chance to compose his thoughts and warn certain individuals what he intends to post. In the meantime:

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's." The hands had never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man "And whose clock is that one?" *

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock." The hands had moved twice. Telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"President Bush's clock is in Jesus' office." St. Peter responded.

"President Bush's clock is so important it is in Jesus' office?" Asked, the man.

"Yes, he's using it as a ceiling fan." Responded St. Peter.

I don't feel like posting today...

Even though it's nablopomo. I'm having some difficulty getting Dave's story nailed down with the right tone I want it to have... not because I don't know how to tell the story, but because making sure my Wife doesn't push herself too hard and re-injure herself is becoming a full-time job now that she's out of bed. Today, I turned my back for a second and she was about to mop the kitchen floor.

Plus that, Short Stuff has a serious case of cabin fever... he really needs me to sit down and play with him for a while...

(Sigh)... the life of a stay at home dad isn't all sitting on the couch and eating bon-bons, I guess.

Oh man... I may pass out from the possibilities...

While cruising the interwebz, I came accross the following video... Now, before you watch it, let me tell you I got seriously twitterpaited by the subject matter:

Models... in Superheroine costumes... made of Chocolate.

There is no noun in that sentence that doesn't make me drool.

Among the designs I liked not shown in the video... Lara Croft:

Barbarella:

and Batgirl:

Whoever came up with the idea for this... fanboys all over the world will sing your name for years.

Favorite memories...

Well, that'll learn me to ask for topics... thanks to my homies Dave and Stacey for the ideas, which I will definately use at least a few of, starting today. Gimme a few days and I'll see if I can return the favor.

From the DOA mailbag, Stacey writes:
Um... What is your favorite memory of Dave, Melinda, Andy, Lauren, and Drew? Blog friendly, of course.

The funniest part of this is that my favorite memories of all these people are decidedly NOT blog-friendly by any stretch of the imagination... Three of the memories in question (Lauren, Dave, and Andy) all revolve around the same event (Andy's bachelor party) And are by no stretch of the imagination the kind of things I should be talking about in public... My favorite Melinda memory involves a strip club and is a really dirty story... and as for Drew, while it involves a strip club it's a fairly clean story, but one that Drew would probably find embarassing.

So, where does that leave me, other than noting that for many years I spent waaay too much time in strip clubs?

Well, I could just let my readers come up with speculation as to what these memories actually are... and y'all will probably come up with stuff that is way worse than the actual events... Or I could come up with my favorite "Clean" memory of each of them which is not nearly as much fun, and requires way more thought than my chores-and-children addled brain is up to right now.

So, what I will do instead, is declare this week "Rob's wacky friends" week, wherin I will post about one of these people each day, tell you a story about them, and explain what it says about my friendship with them. If you are one of my friends and for some reason don't want me talking about you on these pages, please let me know in the comments. If you are Dave, Lauren, Andy, Melinda, or Drew and genuinely want to know which stories I am refering to above, give me permission in the comments to post it and I will. (in a PG-13 way) I'll begin tommorrow with Dave.

Some funny on a Monday...

Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."

I gotta admit, I'm a little nervous...

Silverfox is still bed-ridden, but doing well... However, I'm finding that taking care of her takes up most of my time, and seriously disrupts what little sleep I'm getting. I'm really concerned that tonight, (when the boys are added back into the mix) I may not be up to the challenge. Silverfox has said that i'll do fine, but I can see the same concern behind her eyes... I mean, only a year ago, I was barely taking care of myself... now I have three other people counting on me to manage their schedules, do their laundry, and make sure that they eat... Plus that, right now I'm still unemployed, with few prospects, and none that I feel I can devote my time to seriously until Silverfox is at least able to get around the house on her own.

Gonna be a long month.

Pimp my blog... Kahunah style.

Hey, Y'all... I've been asked by Silverfox to tell everyone that the one thing that would make her happy while she's bedridden is to see the hit counter go up on her new blog, Silverfoxes Canvas. She's trying NaBloPoMo even though she's in some serious pain from the surgery... so, how about you show my lady some love and pop on over there, would ya?

Also, because I know how hard it is to generate site traffic, and how tough it is to post daily for NaBloPoMo when you think no one is reading, if you give me a shout in the comments, I will be more than happy to talk nice about you and give a link to your blog here on Dogs of Atlantis*.

*A Note From the DOA Management- It seems that Rob is actually worried that he'll run out of topics this month, and this would obviously give him something to write about when he has writer's block. We of course, know that we won't be able to shut him up no matter what we do, so please give him something constructive to do...

Keeping the insurance company on their toes...

According to MSNBC, A man was washing his car when his dog got behind the wheel and put it in reverse. Now, the funniest part of the story to me is that the guy's car was impounded because he had no insurance.

Like anyone is gonna give him insurance now...

Of course, this also got me to wondering if something similar happened to me, would I be covered?

So I call my insurance company to ask (Seriously), and the helpful Progressive customer service guy I got was more than happy to answer my strange request, and only laughed out loud twice. Apparently, during training they are hit with much, much stranger questions during simulated phone calls, and are required to answer the dumbest of questions sincerely and correctly.

Turns out I am covered under my liability coverage and my collision coverage for whatever the dog hits, and any damage done to our Truck, but not the Buick, because I only have the basic liability on it. Important to know is that this also extends to kids playing in the vehicle, which apparently happens a lot. (Of course, my kids would just cut the brake line and push me into the river...)

Before I hung up, the agent told me that the next time he attends a training seminar, he is totally bringing this one up.

The Wife is okay...and the children are trying to kill me.

Today was the much-anticipated surgery on Silverfoxes lower back, and she came through it just fine. She's sore and resting right now, and it looks like she's gonna make a full recovery... but she will be on her back for the next few days.

Last night, Silverfox had intended on making good use of our last night before our imposed three weeks of no sex... we were going to send the kids off to bed, and then make with the boom-chicka-wah-wah, but it seems the children had other plans. First, Short Stuff, while playing around running back and forth past my recliner, stumbles and head butts me right in the part of my jaw where I had the two teeth removed on Wednesday.

As I lay there howling in pain, clutching the side of my face, Pint Size pulls his way up onto my lap, and does this to my crotch:

While I'm sure the Hulkster would be proud, I nearly passed out. I told my Dad about it today when I called him to let him know Cheri was okay, and he just snickered and said "Welcome to fatherhood." I spent the rest of the night with one ice pack on my groin and one on my face.

Needless to say, there was no matress durability testing at casa Cerio last night.

The TMI post...

There are lots of things that I choose not to post here because they fall into the category of "Too Much Information"... For instance, I don't feel that the world wants to hear how my back itches today, or how the manly-as-hell big pink comb I keep by my bedside is primarily used to scratch said back, no matter how funny I thought it was when I told Silverfox that I was actually styling my back hair this morning.

Things that fall into this category include tales of changing diapers, how bloody my mouth was after having the teeth pulled yesterday, or the challenges involved in taping large painkiller patches to my wife's butt. I also tend to shy away from talking about my sex life, no matter how much these tales would enhance the legend of my god-like prowess between the sheets. It just seems ungentlemanly somehow... not to mention that the funnier stories of such exploits would bring forth uneeded mental imagery in some of my friends, and I can't afford to pay for psychological counciling for all my readers.

All of this is a warning that today's post may be a little TMI for some.

Tuesday, I went with Silverfox to her pre-op appointment for her back surgery on friday. I made it a point to listen carefully to exactly what the surgery entailed, and what restrictions she would be under and for how long. The surgery involves cutting open her back just above her butt crack, removing part of a disc and some bone to give her nerve clusters room to heal and work properly, reliving the pain in her lower back and legs.

No, that wasn't the TMI part... I'm getting to it...

I was reading the list of restrictions that she will be under, and in addition to not being able to bathe for a couple of days, and no heavy lifting or housework for a week or two, right there in the middle of the page it said "No sex for three weeks". The nurse was prattling on about the proper way to change Silverfoxes bandages when I meekly raised my hand like a kid in first grade that doesn't want to say something stupid.

"Excuse me..." I said, "is this a typo?"

The nurse smiled at me. "No. It's not a typo. No sex for three weeks."

Silverfox went wide eyed. It was the first time she was hearing it. "Really?"

"Really."

"Well, that sucks." I said, trying not to sound like I only think about getting some. Silverfoxes reaction wasn't much better, talking about how life on morphine isn't all that bad.

"Look..." the nurse said, "I know you two are very active, but..."

"What?" I said, "How do you know that?"

"High white cell count in her urine." She said, "Usually means y'all go at it like rabbits."

Silverfox blushed... I blushed... then Silverfox smiled at me and said "You have to blog about this."

Sigh... It's gonna be a long three weeks.

Thought I'd celebrate...

Obamas victory by having a few teeth pulled. Kinda reminded me of watching the election returns last night.

Things you never want to hear your Dentist say:

1) "Check again, sir... are you sure you still have a tooth there?"

2) "What do you mean you voted for McCain?"

3)"Boy, you're really making me earn my money today..."

4)"You just don't want to let go of that tooth, do you?"

5)"Wait... did I give you any anesthetic? I can't remember..."

6)"God, I partied so hard last night my hands are shaking."

7)"Oh, come on... that doesn't really hurt!"

8)"Wait... was that the right tooth I just pulled?"

9)"Do you mind if I watch Ellen during your procedure?"

10)anything that goes like this:

Who we should be voting for...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Damn... I knew I should have gone with a third party candidate. I wonder if one of his campaign contributors is Colt 45 malt liquor?

Election day...

Today we Americans get to show our faith in the United States system of government by participating in it. Yes, it sucks to have to choose between poop soup and a poop sandwich, but we are lucky in that our system allows for change of leadership without bloodshed. Most places in the world are not as lucky.

Do your civic duty today and go vote. I don't care who for, but take the time to learn where your guy stands on the issues that matter to you... don't let SNL's latest skit or the Daily Show decide for you. Make your own informed choice.

If you're too young to vote, make sure those around you of voting age get out and vote. Guilt them if you have to... but get an opinion on who should win and share it with them.

What to write about....

You know, it's not when I have nothing going on that it's hard to write a blog... quite to the contrary, I tend to post the least when I have everything and then some to write about. Part of the problem is that I have trouble deciding sometimes what is appropriate for these pages and what isn't... part of it is that I don't really want to leave anything cool out, and thereby always seem to.

In terms of appropriateness, I waffle a lot on what does belong here and what doesn't... for instance, I try to keep the mood of this blog light, and so I probably won't talk much about my job loss and the resulting financial situation... even though I was told today by a representative of Louisiana's department of unemployment insurance that it may be eight weeks before I see a dime, because I was honest about receiving one freaking days worth of vacation pay from my former employer...

I am beginning to understand why some people simply lie about their situation. When I said to the lady that I had bills to pay, she explained to me that that wasn't what UI is for... it should all go toward finding a job.

Apparently a computer, food and a working shower are not high on the list of "things needed to help in a job search".

Coming back to my point, although that's all pretty funny, there are those that read my blog that it would cause to worry (Such as Aunt Jo and Mom... Dad would just take the time to remind me that it's all small shit*) and I really don't like for people to worry about me. I worry enough on my own. So, sometimes I sit here as my world seems to be collapsing around me and write exactly nada.

Being a parent has changed that a little bit, I've noticed... Today was parent-teacher conference day, and I found out that both boys are doing exceptionally in class, and Short Stuff made the honor roll. I also found out today that I'm a bad influence on the kids... Short Stuff refuses to partner up with other kids sometimes, Citing that it "would just be easier to do it" himself because he would have to bring the other kids up to speed. On one hand, I'm proud I'm raising an honest, independent boy... on the other hand, the last thing I need is for him to develop my attitude. Silverfox has enough trouble with just me.

*Pop Cerio's fool-proof rules for getting through any situation:
Rule 1: Don't sweat the small shit.
Rule 2: It's all small shit.
Rule 3: When in doubt, laugh at the situation and refer to rule one.
Rule 4: There's no shame in asking a woman about her mental health history on the first date.
Rule 5: Never sleep with anyone you wouldn't want to know for the rest of your life.
Rule 6: Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented and determined fool.

Oddly enough, he and I came up with rule 4 together after my first marriage.

Today is a sunday...

And I have spent it sitting in my easy chair watching movies. The Bio-dads both have visitation with their respective genetic offspring, allowing me and Silverfox to spend a little "quality time" together.

(Cue the boom-chicka-wah-wah)

Seriously though, Short stuff and Pint Size have become such a big part of my life that I really miss them when they're not here... I have almost forgotten what it's like to watch a whole movie without a single question from Short Stuff. (Is Godzilla a t-rex? Why don't those japanese guys like him? Why do people keep moving their lips after talking in Japan? Is Mothra real? what about those little women that sing to him? How do they find clothes in their size? Why aren't you fast forwarding past the boring parts? Why do you look mad?)

Sigh... I feel like a Dad.

Halloween and NaBloPoMo!

That's right... it's November again, and that means that it's National Blog Posting Month, where bloggers are encouraged to post once a day for the entire month of November. I haven't really decided whether of not I'm up to that challenge right now, as I have a lot going on... but I think I'm gonna give it a shot.



Last night was of course Halloween, and that meant a night of trick-or-treating for the Cerio family. We got together with the kids cousins, Luckfish and DaNeice over at Silvermom-in-laws house for dinner and costumes. Silverfox broke out the makeup to create herself a psychoclown face while Short Stuff ran around in his stormtrooper costume trying to save the galaxy from the evil separatist Droid army.

Pint Size was looking simply adorable in his Yoda Costume, alternating his time between dispensing Jedi wisdom and beating Dad with his lightsaber:


Me, I just threw on a cape and my Superman T-Shirt and I was good to go. Here we have a group photo of our little candy-gathering group:

DaNiece, (dressed as the punk rocker above) decided that she is officially too cool to go Trick-or treating, and instead went off to a friend's costume party. She turned thirteen this year, so i figure that gives me a good seven years before Short Stuff feels the same way. Luckfish was wearing the same Hannah Montana outfit she wore at Hallowfest, minus the flammable blond wig for obvious reasons.

I love this next picture because it shows not only how big Short Stuffs helmet was compared to his head, but also shows Pint Size reacting to a disturbance in the force.

"It was like a thousand bags of candy were given away and then snuffed out all at once..."

Yes, I know that was Obi-wan, not Yoda... how about "Candy, you sense.... hmmm?"? There... now that I have proven what a geek I am for today, lets move on.

Here's the only pic we have of Silverfox for the evening (she is rapidly becoming the Dogs of Atlantis photographer) Again, Master Yoda seems disturbed. Probably just looking at his brother scarfing down caramels as fast as his hands can stuff them into his mouth...

We went into Algiers point, a known Trick-or-treating hot spot. People sit out on their porches in costume waiting for the hordes of children to come out. I thought it was really cute as we walked around with Pint Size that nearly every kid in a Star Wars costume (and there were many) would point at him and yell "It's Master Yoda!" he would then smile and wave a wave that conveyed silent Jedi wisdom.

Either that or he had gas.

People in the Point take their Halloween very seriously, and a few take their decorating to the next level as evidenced by this house:

His neighbors assured me that he does such things for a living, but I just know that Silverfox would be just as bad with an unlimited budget. Short Stuff loved it, though... and he kept fighting with the fog generator like it was a monster. Ah, to have the imagination and energy of a child....

We covered what felt like 20 blocks (although I counted it to be only 15) before the kids plopped back into the truck, happy, tired and covered in candy:

For next year, Short Stuff has already informed me that he wants to be Jabba the Hutt. I love my geeky kids.