In the end....

Last night, I had a talk with my friend Ray about what today's post should be about... Today, after all is a day of many endings for me. It's the end of Hurricane season, the end of NaBloPoMo, and my last day of "residency" at my Seguin Street apartment. It's a time of new beginnings in my life, and both Ray and I agreed that this post would probably be a bittersweet, melancholy one of change, growth and the different roles we find ourselves in at various points in our lives.

Then I saw this web page, and found that I had to write about it.

For those of you unwilling or unable to follow the link and see for yourselves, this website advertises a product called the "Flatulence Deodorizer" which is an air freshener that you place over your butt to filter your farts.

As if this wasn't enough to make me giggle uncontrollably for an hour, there are testimonials that attest to the effectiveness of the product. The first one, of a man that says his flatus is enough "to pressurize a plane" literally had tears in my eyes. There are also cryptic references to "activated charcoal underwear" throughout these pages, which I assume must be the Flatulence Deodorizer's biggest competitor. Other testimonials include cubicle dwellers and bean lovers (go figure).

I think I need to buy some stock in this company, if only to say to people with a straight face that I have a vested interest in flatulence futures.

Arrrgh... tis the season, ya know...

Time for some comedy 101 people... can anyone out there tell me what exactly makes this cartoon funny enough for milk to come out of my nose?

I see no hands... I guess it's up to me. Now, you might think that the elven pirates with quizzical looks on their faces make it funny... after all, short people (as a rule) are pretty funny... but no, that ain't it. A look at the caption "Yo HO HO and a bottle of egg nog"? No... that just sells the joke. Maybe the juxtaposition of a beloved holiday icon with the ruthlessness of the pirate? No again.

It's funny cause Santa has a peg-leg, and the parrot has an eyepatch. Handicapped people are always funny.

That's right, folks... I'm gettin nothing but coal in my stocking.

Some funny on a wednesday...

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.

The scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet.

So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."

The scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."

So the scientist cut off his last leg. He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Ho, ho, ho.

The coolest christmas decoration ever now sits on my desk. It bounces up and down on hydraulics, and plays lowrider. Does silverfox know me or what? :)

To get everyone in the spirit of the season...

AOL television has a quiz up about great moments in holiday TV specials... I got 8 out of 10.

Looking forward to my first Christmas with Silverfox and the kids... I hope to find the time to decorate the condo this weekend while listening loudly to "Dominick the donkey" over and over again. Nothing like that song to get me in the spirit of the season...

What do y'all do to get your Christmas on?

some funny on a sunday...

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Well, it was quite a day....

This year's fryday was truly a thing of wonder... at least 25 people showed up to behold its crispy, golden brown goodness. It was strange having so many coming to enjoy this "holiday" that Stacey and I started on a whim, but at the same time I was so proud.

The big hit (as always) were the fried snickers bars, but other dishes of note included the from scratch Mozerella sticks (props to javafoofoo on the prep work), the fried ravioli, and the calzones. Disappointments included deep fried spam-ka-bobs, deep fried cranberry sauce (Curse you, Paula Deen!) and the way-too-phallic-to-eat deep fried pizza. The big surprises were the deep fried nutter butter cookies and pumpkin pie, both of which were simply outstanding.

Afterward, we had a game of beerball with an earth-shattering 14 people... the most in action at any beerball matches thus far. Silverfox refereed the game with a little help from Short Stuff, and Stacey's Stompers routed Supermom's Storm by at least two touchdowns. I don't think anyone knew or cared what the final score was, because everyone was having so much fun.

I'll post in more detail once someone uploads some pictures.

T.G.I.F.

Thank God It's FRYDAY!!!!!!!!

Mmmmmm fried snickers bars.

More to come...

Yam goodness

I sense a great disturbance in the force. As if a thousand yams screamed out at once and were silenced.

Yoda yam

infused with the power of the force my yams are, hmmm?

5 am thanksgiving morning

our guest of honor prepares for the day ahead.

Because yesterday's Funny was a repeat funny...

I gotta hand it to Stacey... she always calls me out when I repeat a joke. There is a very simple reason for why this sometimes happens... every time I run across a funny joke, I copy it to a word file on my computer, to later post into my "Funny on a..." posts. Sometimes I forget to delete the joke from the file, and I come across it a week or two later and say "hey! that's really funny!" and post it again.

The up side is that you, the reader, get to see which jokes really tickled my funny bone. The down side is that you already know the frickin punchline. It's an imperfect system in an imperfect world folks, but I will do my best to avoid such mistakes in the future. In the meantime, here's another joke to compensate for yesterday's absent-mindedness...

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

Some funny on a tuesday...

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said,
"How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Knowing when to shut up.

There are few things worse to a writer than feeling like you have nothing to write about. There is a tremendous amount of pressure to produce when participating in things like NaBloPoMo, and some writers feel like they choke under the pressure.

But you see, that's not it at all...

Personally, I have always believed that my time that I'm not writing is what gives my writing such life and vitality, and I say this for two reasons... One, my down time is when new ideas begin to spring forth from the gestation period in the back of my brain, readying themselves to jump upon the page and stomp on whatever intellectual tokyo that gets in their way.

Two, I have always believed that the mark of a truly great writer is knowing when to end the story. I know that sounds kinda silly in our age of endless sequels and prequels but think about it... would Chinatown have had it's same impact if we followed Jake to go grab a beer afterward? Would Scarlett O'hara be the tragic figure she is if we were there to witness the downward spiral that we saw coming after Rhett leaves? Would The Princess Bride have stirred our emotions as heavily if we found out that the four of them were recaptured by the Florin army after Wesley and Buttercups kiss?

I could go on... but there seems little point. In fact, i probably should have ended that last paragraph a sentence earlier, and left off this sentence entirely :)

I am very Tired...

But NaBloPoMo is a harsh mistress. I am determined to see a full 30 posts for the month of November if it kills me. Today, we did more moving-in related stuff. Buying bookshelves and the like... None of it really blogworthy... so instead, even though it's a Sunday night, I'm gonna answer three questions culled from the Manic Monday blog:

What is your least favorite day of the week and why? I have a lot of trouble with Wednesdays, for some reason... It's the one day of the week I feel like I'm consistently ten minutes behind the rest of the universe.

What's the best way to end the day? Snuggled up with someone you care about between cool sheets.

Which animal would you have left out of the ark? I have no particular love for the Dwarf Cassowary, and they don't taste very good, so I guess they would have to go.

Actual Conversations...or... when geeks drink.

Ray and I were sitting at the bar before pub quiz the other night talking about Star Trek. For those of you that don't have terminally geeky Star Trek fans for friends, one of the topics that often comes up is "Least favorite episode" we go now to the conversation....

Me: obviously 'Spock's Brain'. An episode that's so bad, even heckling it seems too easy, somehow.

Ray: Nah. 'Requiem for Methuselah' has to be the worst one ever made.

Me: What? The one with the immortal guy? I like that episode!

Ray: Still the worst ever.

Me: Why?

Ray: Well, he's immortal, right?

Me: Yeah...

Ray: And he's been all these great men... Solomon, Alexander, Lazarus, Methuselah, Merlin, Brahms, Leonardo Da Vinci even...

Me: So?

Ray: Well, that's just silly. If Brahms was immortal, someone would have found him out. When you reach a certain level of fame, people start to document your background. We know where he grew up, we know where he learned to read music, and we know who his parents were.

Me: But if you were immortal, such things would be easy to fake.

Ray: I don't think so.

Me: Take Walter Cronkite... What do we really know about him that isn't what he's told us? He gained notoriety in his twenties, and everything before that is just his say so.

Ray: No... you see that's my point... people have looked into his background. They know where he went to high school... they've interviewed his relatives...

Me: No... they found a picture that could have been planted in a yearbook, and interviewed some old folks who claim to have raised him... both easily faked.

Ray: I'm sorry... there's no way Walter Cronkite could be an immortal, dude.

Me: Well, what about Dan Rather?

Ray: Oh, him... absolutely.

A signifigant side effect of living with my signifigant other...

My bed currently sports more than 12 pillows of varying size and density.

The bed in my bachelor pad had four, and that was counting my body pillow, and if I threw on an extra one for company.

Furthermore, I've noticed that despite having a far fuller schedule than I do, Silverfox finds the time to make the bed daily.

I swear, it's like living in the twilight zone.

Washyou mean I'sh too drunk ta blog...

Culled from my brother's blog:

92%DRUNKARD

Some funny on a thursday....

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"

A little about Fryday...

According to Stacey, Fryday is coming. It is inevitable, much like the changing of the seasons.

I am looking forward to Fryday Eve this year (also known as Thanksgiving) because I will get to sample turducken for the first time, (oh, and of course my first major holiday with Silverfox and the Kids.. :) ) But the entire time... my mind will be wandering to deep fried snickers bars and their other greasy cousins.

For those of you that haven't already clicked on Stacey's "archive of Frydays past" above, Fryday is a holiday invented by my friends and I when we realized we had a huge fryer and a gallon of oil left over from Thanksgiving... inventive people plus larger cooking equipment always equals good times. The concept seems to be growing in popularity, though. Stacey says the guest list is at 12, and growing. I swear, before long we're gonna need our own Wikipedia entry. (Fryday.com is sadly, already taken) I also think we need to look into sponsorship.
At work, several of my co-workers have been coming up to me for weeks with menu suggestions...

Among those I want to try to do this year:

Deep Fried calzones
Deep Fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches
Deep Fried chocolate stuffed strawberries
Deep Fried mac+cheese bars
Deep Fried twinkies
Deep Fried Ham and Cheese sandwiches
Deep Fried Ravioli
Deep Fried cranberry sauce

I think this year we may need two fry stations... one for the sweets, and one for the savories.

For those of you scattered about the country, I advise you to start your own Fryday celebrations this year... after all, what could be better than friends and fried food? Sure beats leftover turkey sandwiches.

Hmmm... deep fried turkey sandwiches...

Parenting, day 7... or, Sleep? Who needs sleep?

Important parenting tip: When you're sick with a cold, you mope a bit, beg your significant other to make you some chicken soup, and stay in bed. When your child is sick, They scream their freaking head off at the inconvenience of having to breathe through their mouth.

Pint Size is sick with a head cold. It wouldn't have been so bad had we realized this before we put him to bed last night... You see, I think he probably could have dealt with the whole "breathe through the mouth" thing, but having his nose clogged meant he couldn't drink out of his bottle easily, which meant he was not only sick, but hungry.

Yeah, at that point, I'd be screaming about it too. It was an ugly cycle. He'd cry, I'd get up and give him his bottle and sing to him a little (the kid loves my Barry Manilow medly... don't tell Silverfox.) Short Stuff would wake up from the noise, complaining that his brother is being bad, and demand to watch another cartoon of two, which would finally put him back to sleep. Pint Size would act content till I left the room, then chuck the bottle from his bunk, and start crying again cry again... I'd come in and get him his bottle, Short Stuff would wake up again, and the whole thing would go round and round like that. By the fifth time, I woke Silverfox.

"Pint Size won't sleep, and I've tried everything I know..." (admittedly not much... but there are only so many times I can sing 'Mandy'.) "I'd rather not be up all night playing fetch while he cries."

"Welcome to being a parent, Rob." She said, shuffling her way to the kids' room, "learn to love caffeine and B12."

I flopped into bed, exhausted, but could hear on the baby monitor that Silverfox wasn't having much more luck than I was. Finally, she brought him into our room so he wouldn't wake Short Stuff again.

Now, I have slept under some extreme circumstances... I've fallen asleep on the number 1 train, completely missing the turn at south ferry. I've nodded off in a stadium full of screaming fans rabid for Eric Clapton. I've slept through hurricanes, noreasters, nearby locomotives, and plane rides. None of them had anything on Pint Size's fit last night. Silverfox brought him to day care about an hour before I was supposed to wake up. I dozed off for ten minutes before Short Stuff came into my room complaining his room was too scary to turn on his video game, and he was also fairly certain it was almost time for school.

(Sigh)

Some funny on a Monday, I swear! It isn't midnight yet!

Yes, it's true that being faithful to NaBloPoMo is far more challenging than I thought... but here I am, tired and sweaty and about to flop into bed after a long, hard day of work, kids and television, when I realize I didn't post yet today... I rush out of my bedroom, down to the computer, (trying my darndest not to wake the kids... not easy to do when every step sounds like a four hundred pound explosion on the hardwood floors) just to get down here and realize I have nothing to say.

So, from the joke file...

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

Todays' dose of actual converstaions....

"Actual conversations" is a new segment here on DOA, which will detail actual conversations from the Rob's life. (duh) Timing may be edited to make it slighty funnier, but will alway remain true to the gist of the actual exchange. Most names have been changed to protect the innocent.

In Shoneys, after Short Stuff had recieved a brand new Crayola Wonder Marker from the waitress, leading to the following exchange:

Me: Cool... so these Markers will only write on special paper and nothing else, Short Stuff.

Short Stuff: Does that mean they're Magic?

Me: Yep. They're also non toxic, non polluting, non mess making, and low in calories.

Short Stuff: Nuh-uh. They're high in Colories. This one is green.

The lady at the next table totally did a spit take at that one.

Self-centered survey saturday...

1. Are you smiling? As a matter of fact, I am.

2. Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with A or M? Yes I have if my mom counts...

3. What is irritating you now? My back itches, and I left my back scratcher at the old apartment.

4. When did you last eat pizza? Cold Pepperoni for breakfast, baby!

where is number 5? in an alternate dimension where the number 5 is actually spelled just like a "Q"

6. Do you have any friends who are famous? Famous, no. Infamous, yes.

7. Are you any good at poker? Good enough to keep my clothes on.

8. What do you want? I want for nothing, as I am rich in ways that matter. :)

9. Are you tired? Yep. Short Stuff keeps waking up saying "I'm hungry"

10. Do you love anyone? Yes, Silverfox and the two kids... but my heart is full of love for many of my fellow humans.

11. Pepsi or Coke? Coke and a smile, baby.

12. How many pets do you have?None.

13. Who's your #1 on your top and why? Silvefox cause she rocks my world.

14. What annoys you the most about your closest friends? very little, which is why they are my closest friends.

15. Taco Bell or McDonald's? MickeyD's unless the goal is explosive diareah

16. Last thing you said?"I need to go blog. it's Nablopomo!"

18. How many Abercrombie shirts do you own? None.

19. How many Myspace views do you have? 757 on Myspace, over 8000 on blogger.

20. Want to be a princess? only if I get the glass footwear.

21. Do you believe dreams come true? Only precognitive ones.

22. Do you like Walmart? No. it is the root of all evil, which they sell on aisle 5.

23. What's your biggest pet peeve? When you throw a kid across a room, and he just smiles and says "again!"

24. What are you listening to? "Move it" by the Madagasgar lemurs.

26. Who was the last person that told you they loved you? Silverfox

27. What was the last thing you ate? Pie and Ice Cream

28. What were you doing before this? Talikg with Ringo and Sondra about impotancy spells.

29. What is the closest item near you that is black? the computer desk.

30. What is the last IM you received? "Holy pete, sanatoriums are creepy"

32. What do you wear more, jeans or sweatpants? Jeans. No one wants to see a fat man in sweatpants.

33. Do you know how to build a fire? Yep. first you strike the match on the box...

34. What is your morning routine? Wake up, comb hair, struggle to get Short stuff into his uniform and take him to school.

35. Do you like Deer/Elk meat? Venison Jerky rules.

36.What was the last book you read? Working on the 4th Harry Potter book.

37. Favorite brand of jeans? Wrangler cause I'm one tough customer.

38. Favorite type of pudding? Chocolate.

40. Are you happy with where you are? Yep

41. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? depends on the situation.

42 Are you happy with yourself? Yep.

43. Do you want someone you can't have? Nope.

44. Who is your all-time favorite band? The Mighty Bosstones

45. What is your favorite breakfast food? Burger King's Enormous omelette sandwhich

46. Do you like the River or the Lake best? Lake.

47. What's your favorite flower? Bird of paradise

48. Hot dog or Hamburgers? Nathan's Famous Franks, baby.

49. Have you ever had athlete's foot? Sadly, yes.

50. What was the last thing you bought? Gas for the buick.

51. What color is your car/truck? Blue

52. How many vehicles do you own? Just the one.

55. Do you miss anyone right now? Yes... but i'd rather not go into it.

56. What are you looking forward to? Fryday.

Some funny on a friday...

I know I swore to keep the jokes to a minimum this month in honor of NaBloPoMo... but moving, kids, unpacking, have taken up a lot of my time this week... I promise to make with the original comedy over the weekend.

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

Some funny on a thursday....

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."

Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

In my free time...

Like I have free time. It's more goofing off at work time, really. Anyway, in my free time, I've been being a total trivia geek at Sploofus.com... to the point where I've authored my own quiz. Guess the two trivia nights I go to each week weren't fufilling my trivia needs. :)

Anyway, It's called "World domination for dummies" and I'm fairly proud of it. Take it and let me know how y'all do!

Some funny on a wednesday...

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

You know...

There is a reason why I don't normally participate in things like NaBloPoMo... I'm one that believes that creativity can't be rushed. When you're forced to write every day rain, shine, meteor, flesh-eating mist, dead of night, it gets difficult to cone up with things that are consistantly funny.

And I like to be funny. I'm just not feeling very funny right now. I've had a rough day.

This is also one of the reasons I stopped doing the cartoons... when my brain needs a break to rest I fully believe in giving it one. I sit down to write a few days later, and lo and behold, I am funny again. When I force it, I feel like it's a chore, and my writing suffers.

Parenting, Day 1.

Today, my day started just before dawn as sensed someone hovering over my bed. I gently pulled up my sleep mask to see a very wide-eyed 5 year old staring back at me in the darkened room.

"I can't find mommy!" Short Stuff sniffed loudly. Silverfox had left for work about an hour before.

"She went to work kiddo." I said, not letting on that the whole scene reminded me of Children of the corn. "Now go back to bed, buddy."

"I can't reach the light. (sniff)" he said, "to see the ladder."

So, like the good step-pop I am, I dutifully got out of bed and escorted my young charge back to his room. After turning the light on, he was asleep within seconds.

I'm still unsure about this "being a Dad"... the whole instant family thing is something I'm still getting used to. I am sure however that I would do anything for Silverfox's kids, and I guess that's half the battle. Very few people, after all, would be able to get me out of bed at 5 am to turn on a light for them.

Moving in, Day 2.

Well, I pushed myself too hard with the big move yeaterday, as evidenced by the fact that my legs and lower back feel like really fat women have been doing the conga on them. So, as a result, I was on light duty today.

There's nothing like resting in a big comfy chair in your new home to give you a warm fuzzy feeling all over. Even if said chair was partially responsable for the back pain :)

Moving day...

Today, Dogs of Atlantis headquarters was officially re-located to Kenner, Louisiana where Silverfox and I have gotten us a Condo. I know it seems quick, but allow me to share an anecdote that should show those who know me just why it seems so right. many of my closest friends have heard this story before, so I would ask that they just grin and bear it... I promise to make more with the funny when my body doen't feel like it's gone three rounds with George Foreman.

So, one of the things we lack right now is a headboard for our new bed... and the other day i get a call from Silverfox on the matter.

Her: Rob, do you know how to use a jigsaw?

Me: The tool or the puzzle?

Her: the tool.

Me: Sure, why?

Her: I have an idea for the headboard.

At this point, the "excuses" file in my brain opens up, ready to tell her all the reasons why I can't use a jigsaw, convinced that I'm gonna hate the girly design idea i'm convinced that she's come up with. the simplest being "I lost my jigsaw" the most complicated being "I have a fear of jigsaws ever since my ex wife cased me around the yard a few times with one... please don't ask me to go near one again...(sob)" then she breaks my internal file by saying...

Her: I'd like to make a giant padded Imperial Klingon crest above the bed, with torch-like sconces on either side. Maybe all in black leather.

Many things went through my mind at that moment, but the only words that came out as I started tearing up were "I love you."

I am the luckiest S.O.B. on the planet.

More about the eggs...

So, I was relating my previous blog entry to my friend Ray at Pub Quiz last night, when he asked what I thought was the obvious question about it...

"What would your entry be like that would make it so much better than this vapid girl from the middle of nowhere?"

So I told him, "I would have gone way more weird with it. I would have brought to light the eternal struggle between the sunny-side up eggs and their scrambled cousins. Even when they were first brought forth from the chickens rear, they probably had their own opinions about how they should be prepared..."

"True." Ray said, as I took a long swig from the pint of beer in front of me before continuing.

"The animosity between the two factions continues in the carton until it's so great that you in fact can not have them on the same plate without first building a wall of corned beef hash to separate the two. Why even before you had chicken/egg arguments, you probably had fried/poached arguments."

"No raw egg arguments?"

"Only with Neanderthals and boxers in training." I said smugly taking another healthy swig.

"That's pretty deep for eggs." Ray said, "But I suppose if Paul Simon can be inspired to write 'Mother and child reunion' from a dish of chicken and eggs that you can have your little mental war about them."

I nearly did a spit take. "What?"

"True story." Ray continued, "He was in a restaurant... Chinese I think... and ordered a dish they called Mother and Child Reunion. Turned out to be chicken and eggs, and inspired the song."

"That's ludicrous." I said, knowing that Ray has not only a talent for pulling peoples legs, but enjoys doing so.

"But true. Think about the lyrics... the mother and child reunion is only a moment away because he's just ordered it."

"Or is in the middle of digesting them in his stomach together."

"Right."

"And you expect me to believe this?"

"Look it up if you don't believe me, Rob!"

What followed was the typical arguments one makes when someone is yanking your chain, ("Yeah, right", "like I'm gonna believe you", "Yo mama's so stupid she believes that") followed by trivia. I was however curious, and did in fact look it up on Wikipedia today. Needless to say, I was shocked, and now owe both Ray and his mama an apology. Apparently, Paul Simon can put almost anything to music and make it sound good. I also read that the guys from Robot Chicken got the name for their show from a Chinese menu though, and it makes me wonder:

Am missing out on a huge fountain of creativity by limiting myself to Chinese buffets?

Happy NaBloPoMo!

For those of you that don't know, November is National Blog Posting Month. Look it up on the internet if you don't believe me... It's formulated to get some lazier writers out there into a posting habit by making sure that you write in your blog once a day for a month, much like National Novel Writing Month, and Script Frenzy.

Problem is, that it leads to a lot of "this is what I had for breakfast" type of posts that aren't really... good writing. I remember reading an entire entry on some poor girl's blog about (I kid you not) how difficult it was for her to decide how to have her eggs made in the morning.

Now, If I was to write this, it would be a funny look inside my imagination to see the warped and funny way in which decisions spring forth. The way this girl wrote it was "so i sat at the table for breakfast, and couldn't decide between over easy and scrambled. Gosh. over easy. scrambled. I just couldn't decide. I like both, but at the same time like neither. over easy. scrambled. which one should I choose? both are eggs, and I did want eggs, but did I want over easy or scrambled?" She went on just like that for at least two paragraphs, before deciding to get...

Well, I don't want to spoil it for you, should you come across it. Anyhow, I am normally in favor of things that get others to write, but the organizers of these things don't seem to understand that in the age of the internet there are a lot of bad writers out there. Really, Really bad writers. Writing so bad it gives me intestinal cramps. Sentence structure so confusing it would clog up a cray supercomputer for hours. Run ons so long that a marathoner from Kenya couldn't make it to the end.

And the poetry... dear god, the poetry. Page after page of "fill-up-the-bathtub-and-throw-in-a-live-toaster" Poetry.

I weep for humanity.

To help stem this tide of crappy prose, (or at least set the curve) I will rise to the challenge of a post a day for the month of November. I will furthermore not take the following short cuts during this challenge:

Photos as entries
Quiz results as entries
Poems as entries (my Brother is one of the few I have seen do this effectively)

I will still continue to post the occasional joke, but I'll keep them to a minimum. Wish me luck!