Arrrr! Today be talk like a pirate day. Much thanks to Mama Janet fer pointin out the fact, or I probably would have forgotten it, like the landlubber I am.
As many of you are frightfully aware, tis my tradition t'tell a funny or interestin' story from my briny past in the style of a pirate on this happiest of days...
This one be the tale of a devil of a storm called Gustav, which caused me and mine t'run fer the hills lest we be sent to the bottom of Davey Jones' locker. Durin our voyage into the heart of Mississippi, me beauty, (Silverfox), and our boy, (Short Stuff) were fallin victim to a sense of dread that only sailors feel as they leave port fer the last time.
To take their minds off of our perdicament, I told them to think "EGBAR".
"Egbar?" Me beauty asked, never hearing the term before, "What in the seven seas is egbar?"
"Tis an acronym, my sweet." I said, "Stands fer 'Everything is Gonna Be All Right'. Egbar!"
"Egbar!" Short Stuff shouted from the back seat in a merry voice.
"Egbar!" Silverfox agreed. And so we drove on inta the night.
Twas a longer voyage than we had figured to get to safe harbor that night, and as fatigue began to wrap its scurvey arms around me, I got snippy with Silverfox (about something that was of no consequence, no less) and we began to argue. We were glaring at each other when Short stuff piped up from the back seat:
"Mom! Dad! Egbar!"
Yar... we both smiled at each other and laughed, the fog lifting from our hearts like a calm morning on the north atlantic. The boy spoke the wisdom of an old salt...
Next time ye be under stress with you and yours, take a lesson from the child, and remind yerself that Everything is Gonna Be All Right... for years from now, you and yer mates will be drinking rum and singing shantys about that day.
Now... all together... Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Multiple languages, and perfect for "talk like a pirate day"...
or, for you old traditionalists...
Friday, September 19, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
V-v-v-ote P-p-p-alin.
I laughed for five minutes at this "Get Fuzzy" cartoon:
The reason, (I am ashamed to admit) is that the first Palin I thought of when I heard about McCain's pick for running mate was Michael Palin as well. (Moreso because I actually knew of the Alaskan Governor before the big announcement) It just disappoints me that no one has made any "A Fish Called Wanda" jokes, choosing instead to go with the more obvious Monty Python gags.
Still, "NOBODY expects the Alskan Politician!" is pure comic genius.
The reason, (I am ashamed to admit) is that the first Palin I thought of when I heard about McCain's pick for running mate was Michael Palin as well. (Moreso because I actually knew of the Alaskan Governor before the big announcement) It just disappoints me that no one has made any "A Fish Called Wanda" jokes, choosing instead to go with the more obvious Monty Python gags.Still, "NOBODY expects the Alskan Politician!" is pure comic genius.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Friends and family...
For those of you concerned that I have not contacted personally... Me, Silverfox, and the boys evacuated on friday before Gustav hit the gulf coast south of New Orleans. Once again thanks to Drew and Stacey, me and mine were sheltered from the storm in beautiful Brandon, MS.
As far as going home goes, it's a little more complicated... Power and essential services are out across the area, but we have heard our Condo is fine, apparently minus one fireplace cap. We're not sure when we will be returning, as the Boys are a handful even with working power and toilets.
Not gonna lie to you, folks... this one was scary. More so now that I have a full on family to worry about. Silverfox and I have had a few discussions at this point about possibly moving out of the gulf south.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Came across this...
I laughed for at least five minutes about this anecdote on snopes.com and just had to share it.
Remember as you read it that these people can vote.
Remember as you read it that these people can vote.
Friday, August 15, 2008
The Wedding... (also known as the best day of my life)
Well, it's official... even though at times the entire universe seemed to be trying to stop us, on 8/8/08, Silverfox and I tied the knot in Fountainebleu state park.
I guess that makes the score Rob 1, universe 100,000,000,000.
To Recap: When last we left our hero, he had managed to get officially divorced from psychoex, and skipped merrily from there to the courthouse to get a marriage license. (By my watch, that means I was legally a bachelor for all of 32 minutes, 17 seconds... barely enough time to scratch myself and belch a few times.) The judge at the courthouse waived the requirement for his birth certificate, and the required 72 hour waiting period so that he and his true love could tie the knot all legal- like. On the way home form the courthouse however, further perils awaited our intrepid duo as their faithful truck started making horrible clunking sounds and had to be put down (the rear differential went out... a 7638 to 1 probability).
The next day was spent mostly entertaining my high school chum that had flown in for the wedding, and insisting that Silverfox not stress out about cleaning Casa Kahunah. She met my buddy and I later in Starbucks, after taking the time out to get her hair done. I swear, she looked like her blood pressure was about to make Krakatoa look like a bottle rocket.
"Honey?" I asked innocently, "Why are you stressing so hard about the condo being clean? It's not like the wedding is there."
"No," Silverfox said, "But if your aunt and uncle are coming in from out of town, they'll want to stay there..."
"Look Foxy..." I said, trying to put her mind at ease, "there is no way my Aunt and Uncle are crazy enough to try to make that trip. It's a 22 hour drive!"
"Are you sure?" She asked.
"Yep." I said, pulling out my cell phone, "Here... let me call them right now so you'll know that Uncle Lou is safe on his couch watching American Chopper."
Except of course, he wasn't. My Aunt Jo, (god love her) had decided that she was not going to miss her godson's second wedding, so she jumped into the car and drove for two and a half days to make it. She intended on just showing up and surprising us at the park, but my Cousin Jessie spilled the beans on the phone when I called.
So, the morning of the wedding was more stressful than I had hoped, but I was still stoked that I was actually going to have some family there. There were a million and one things that needed doing, people that needed rides to the ceremony co-ordinated for them, a bridesmaid that backed out at the last minute due to a death in the family. My brain was racing at about warp 3 and in the middle of it all, I remembered something that I had left undone at work. So I call my co-worker Mama Janet, who had already handled what I had called about, and gave me some advice that would be my mantra for the day:
"At the end of the day, you'll still be married. Just keep reminding yourself that."
We got to the park, and it was a beautiful day... it was overcast enough that everyone was cool and comfortable. Silverfox decided that rather than get hitched on the beach, we should have the ceremony at the pavilion that we rented for the reception. After a few bumps in the road (Confusion about the dress code and the time of the ceremony, our grillmaster coming in at the last minute) Silverfox made herself scarce to change into her wedding dress, while I sat around chatting with my friends and trying not to look nervous:
After an eternity, the Reverend Captain David Brou Haydel greeted our assembled guests with a cheery "Aloha!":
Yes, I still look nervous, I know. We had no music as our wedding party approached our makeshift altar or as each of them made a traditional blessing to our wedding, but Dave had everyone hum "here comes the bride" when Silverfox came out of hiding and was escorted by her brother to my side: 
Boy, Charlotte (lower right) sure looks happy that we're getting married, don't she? to be fair, that is her kid on the table in front of her, about to make a break for it.
To continue...
God, she was beautiful... I felt weak just looking at her as Dave began my vows.
"Rob, You have the right to remain silent."
(big laugh from the crowd)
At this point... and I swear I am not kidding here... the distant sound of thunder interrupted the ceremony. Everyone laughed at the timing, but I wondered silently to myself if the universe was a little pissed off that we made it to this moment despite everything it had thrown at us. We exchanged rings, and before I could blink, we were pronounced Kahunah and Wahini.
The torches behind us, while most would think were just there to set the mood, served a larger function... one was there to represent Silverfoxes Dad, who passed away a few years ago. The others were there to represent my parents and brother, who couldn't make it down for the ceremony.
Our wedding cake was almost too cute to cut into:
But we did, and it was yummy. The surf board cookies around the edge were wonderful.
The reception was informal, but exhausting... here is pint size falling asleep on a friend of our family as proof...
According to the ranger at the front gate, 50 people attended our wedding... not too shabby for a Friday afternoon.
It seemed like it took forever for Silverfox and I to get to the B&B we had booked for our wedding night, but it was totally worth it. The room was beautiful, and the innkeeper had some snacks and champagne waiting for us.
As we lounged together in the swimming pool outside our room with a blanket of stars above us, I looked at the ring on my finger and realized that Mama Janet was right... here it was, the end of the day, and we were married.
Thank you to everyone that pitched in that day, and everyone that came to celebrate the moment with us. Your thank you cards will be in the mail soon.
Next time, I'll tell you about my Aunts New Orleans adventures, and her first gay pride parade.
I guess that makes the score Rob 1, universe 100,000,000,000.
To Recap: When last we left our hero, he had managed to get officially divorced from psychoex, and skipped merrily from there to the courthouse to get a marriage license. (By my watch, that means I was legally a bachelor for all of 32 minutes, 17 seconds... barely enough time to scratch myself and belch a few times.) The judge at the courthouse waived the requirement for his birth certificate, and the required 72 hour waiting period so that he and his true love could tie the knot all legal- like. On the way home form the courthouse however, further perils awaited our intrepid duo as their faithful truck started making horrible clunking sounds and had to be put down (the rear differential went out... a 7638 to 1 probability).
The next day was spent mostly entertaining my high school chum that had flown in for the wedding, and insisting that Silverfox not stress out about cleaning Casa Kahunah. She met my buddy and I later in Starbucks, after taking the time out to get her hair done. I swear, she looked like her blood pressure was about to make Krakatoa look like a bottle rocket.
"Honey?" I asked innocently, "Why are you stressing so hard about the condo being clean? It's not like the wedding is there."
"No," Silverfox said, "But if your aunt and uncle are coming in from out of town, they'll want to stay there..."
"Look Foxy..." I said, trying to put her mind at ease, "there is no way my Aunt and Uncle are crazy enough to try to make that trip. It's a 22 hour drive!"
"Are you sure?" She asked.
"Yep." I said, pulling out my cell phone, "Here... let me call them right now so you'll know that Uncle Lou is safe on his couch watching American Chopper."
Except of course, he wasn't. My Aunt Jo, (god love her) had decided that she was not going to miss her godson's second wedding, so she jumped into the car and drove for two and a half days to make it. She intended on just showing up and surprising us at the park, but my Cousin Jessie spilled the beans on the phone when I called.
So, the morning of the wedding was more stressful than I had hoped, but I was still stoked that I was actually going to have some family there. There were a million and one things that needed doing, people that needed rides to the ceremony co-ordinated for them, a bridesmaid that backed out at the last minute due to a death in the family. My brain was racing at about warp 3 and in the middle of it all, I remembered something that I had left undone at work. So I call my co-worker Mama Janet, who had already handled what I had called about, and gave me some advice that would be my mantra for the day:
"At the end of the day, you'll still be married. Just keep reminding yourself that."
We got to the park, and it was a beautiful day... it was overcast enough that everyone was cool and comfortable. Silverfox decided that rather than get hitched on the beach, we should have the ceremony at the pavilion that we rented for the reception. After a few bumps in the road (Confusion about the dress code and the time of the ceremony, our grillmaster coming in at the last minute) Silverfox made herself scarce to change into her wedding dress, while I sat around chatting with my friends and trying not to look nervous:
After an eternity, the Reverend Captain David Brou Haydel greeted our assembled guests with a cheery "Aloha!":
Yes, I still look nervous, I know. We had no music as our wedding party approached our makeshift altar or as each of them made a traditional blessing to our wedding, but Dave had everyone hum "here comes the bride" when Silverfox came out of hiding and was escorted by her brother to my side: 
Boy, Charlotte (lower right) sure looks happy that we're getting married, don't she? to be fair, that is her kid on the table in front of her, about to make a break for it.To continue...
"Mawidge is the weason we are gaddered here two day. For Wov…True Wov is what this couple found, and they have come here today to unite and take on wife as one force." Dave began, "And if you don't know why that's funny, you're probably at the wrong wedding."
Silverfox and I had written the entire ceremony ourselves, and I was really happy when most of our friends said the line "Wov, true Wov" along with Dave.
Dave continued after the laughter died down, making it through the sand ceremony with the kids, adding a few song lyrics of his own, but making it quickly to the vows.
"Cheri, do you take Rob to be your husband, and promise to put up with his stupid jokes, encourage his dreams of being a rock star/super hero/scientist/writer, and just let him win every third argument?"
(big laugh from the crowd)
"I do." She said as I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Do you also promise to put up with his fanboy obsessions and quirks, let him have the remote and cherish him with devoted love and faithfulness from this day forward to infinity and beyond?"
(another laugh at the Toy Story reference)
"I do."
"Are you sure?"
(another big laugh)
"Yes."
God, she was beautiful... I felt weak just looking at her as Dave began my vows.
"Rob, You have the right to remain silent."
(big laugh from the crowd)
"Anything you say can and will be held against you for the rest of your life. You have the right to cry on her shoulder whenever you need to. If you cannot afford undermining your masculinity in this way, you are allowed to vent your frustrations during your gaming sessions or pre-approved guy nights. Under no circumstances are you permitted to self medicate with street pharmaceuticals, however social drinking will be tolerated in pre-designated rationing.
You can decide at any time from this moment on to terminate this union but fear her wrath and the wrath of all in attendance should you choose to do so. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?"
"I Do."
"And knowing this, to you still take her to be your wife, and to love and cherish her to infinity and beyond?"
"I Do."
At this point... and I swear I am not kidding here... the distant sound of thunder interrupted the ceremony. Everyone laughed at the timing, but I wondered silently to myself if the universe was a little pissed off that we made it to this moment despite everything it had thrown at us. We exchanged rings, and before I could blink, we were pronounced Kahunah and Wahini.
The torches behind us, while most would think were just there to set the mood, served a larger function... one was there to represent Silverfoxes Dad, who passed away a few years ago. The others were there to represent my parents and brother, who couldn't make it down for the ceremony.Our wedding cake was almost too cute to cut into:
But we did, and it was yummy. The surf board cookies around the edge were wonderful.The reception was informal, but exhausting... here is pint size falling asleep on a friend of our family as proof...
According to the ranger at the front gate, 50 people attended our wedding... not too shabby for a Friday afternoon.It seemed like it took forever for Silverfox and I to get to the B&B we had booked for our wedding night, but it was totally worth it. The room was beautiful, and the innkeeper had some snacks and champagne waiting for us.
As we lounged together in the swimming pool outside our room with a blanket of stars above us, I looked at the ring on my finger and realized that Mama Janet was right... here it was, the end of the day, and we were married.
Thank you to everyone that pitched in that day, and everyone that came to celebrate the moment with us. Your thank you cards will be in the mail soon.
Next time, I'll tell you about my Aunts New Orleans adventures, and her first gay pride parade.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
One step forward, two steps back:
)Good news- got the divorce final and the marriage licence. Bad news- on the way
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Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Great... thanks to neumerology...
China is all jumping on our bandwason, but not without consequences.
I already knew that the opening day of the Bejing olympics was scheduled for my and Silverfoxes wedding day, but this is going a little too far...
So, I'm reading the news today and I come across this article about how the Chinese are all tripping over themselves to get married on 8-8-08. Apparently, due to a quirk of their language, the date sounds like "money, money, money!"
But then it gets worse... the article goes on to say:
My birthday: 2-5-70
Silverfoxes birthday: 1-5-71
2+5+7+0
+ 1+5+7+1
______________
3+10-14+1= 8!
You see, this is why numerology sucks... you can make numbers say whatever you want them to by being a little clever. It reminds me of an old Abbott and Costello sketch:
The fact of the matter is that 8/8/08 will contain the happiest moment of my life, No matter what the numbers say.
I already knew that the opening day of the Bejing olympics was scheduled for my and Silverfoxes wedding day, but this is going a little too far...
So, I'm reading the news today and I come across this article about how the Chinese are all tripping over themselves to get married on 8-8-08. Apparently, due to a quirk of their language, the date sounds like "money, money, money!"
But then it gets worse... the article goes on to say:
But, as China has learnt to its cost in a turbulent 2008, not all is positive energy in the Year of the Rat, which also symbolises the turbulent relationship between earth and water.
China was hit by crippling blizzards at the start of the year, rioting erupted in Tibet which prompted worldwide protests surrounding the Olympic torch relay and then the Sichuan earthquake struck.
Those grim milestones for China had an intriguing symmetry.
The snowstorms struck on 25/01. 2+5+1=8.
The Tibet riots erupted on 14/03. 1+4+3=8.
The earthquake struck on 12/05. 1+2+5=8. That was also 88 days before the start of the Olympics.
"The number eight can be negative as well," Lo warned -- and the worst may not be over.
Oh, but it gets much worse... My divorce from the ex was supposed to be final on 9-15-05...
9-1+5-05= 8!
that's creepy... but still worse...
The ex's birthday was 11-03..
11-3=8
My birthday: 2-5-70
Silverfoxes birthday: 1-5-71
2+5+7+0
+ 1+5+7+1
______________
3+10-14+1= 8!
You see, this is why numerology sucks... you can make numbers say whatever you want them to by being a little clever. It reminds me of an old Abbott and Costello sketch:
The fact of the matter is that 8/8/08 will contain the happiest moment of my life, No matter what the numbers say.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Really neat toy... Nearly latte, yo...
I found a link to an anagram generator, ( Internet Anagram Server = Isn't rearrangement rave?) and spent at least an hour typing things in...
Among the more interesting ones for "Robert Cerio":
"Orbiter Core", "Erotic Borer", and "Rob tore rice"
Among the more interesting ones for "Dogs of Atlantis":
"Fatalist Godson", "a tasting floods", "looting ads fast", "Fatal dingo toss" and "Analog dot fists"
UPDATE: Ooooo... If I type in "Rob and Cheri" it comes up ""Brand Heroic" and "Carbide Horn" I wonder if Silverfox would go for those as baby names when the time comes?
Among the more interesting ones for "Robert Cerio":
"Orbiter Core", "Erotic Borer", and "Rob tore rice"
Among the more interesting ones for "Dogs of Atlantis":
"Fatalist Godson", "a tasting floods", "looting ads fast", "Fatal dingo toss" and "Analog dot fists"
UPDATE: Ooooo... If I type in "Rob and Cheri" it comes up ""Brand Heroic" and "Carbide Horn" I wonder if Silverfox would go for those as baby names when the time comes?
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Some funny on a saturday...
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Some funny on a thursday....
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Wedding woes...
For those of you that have been wondering about the wedding, it's still on... but there are a lot of issues that have cropped up that have put everything in jeopardy. After much deliberation, Silverfox and I have decided that it's okay to make the recent stumbling blocks we've hit public knowledge.
And I'm not talking small "speed bump in the wal-mart parking lot" stumbling blocks, either... I'm talking "Someone flew the Matterhorn in and expects you to climb it, fat boy" kinda stumbling blocks.
I don't even know where to begin... Many of you know about Silverfoxs Back problems, of course, Silverfox found out then that her wedding dress no longer fit (she has put on a little weight due to her back problems) So she orders a bigger one, and it doesn't fit either...
Still, we soldiered on... the dress thing sucks, but isn't insurmountable, right?
Then we found out that none of my family (including my brother/best man) is gonna be able to make it to the ceremony. I admit that I was dissapointed, but I understood completely... with gas at 4 bucks a gallon, I'll be lucky if I can make it to the wedding. After Silverfox and I talked about it, it seemed like we should still go ahead with it all (particularly with the idea of taking a trip up to new york for a second reception for my family bringing a smile to both our faces) My friend Janet has even offered to stand in for my Mom.
Even when Silverfoxes bridesmaids all tried to bail on us at the same time (figuring that my side was now a man short... a condition which only lasted the three minutes until I could contact a backup groomsman) we still were going through with it.
But then her uncle Vic had a stroke, and his house was the one we were planning on using as a staging area for the wedding (because he's only 5 minutes away from the location). Still, her uncle Leo had offered to pitch in and do all the grilling for us as a wedding gift... so we were still all gung-ho about it.
With love in our hearts and optimism in our step, last week we head down to the courthouse for the marriage license only to find out that we don't have the proper paperwork... specifically , our divorce papers and birth certificates. Silverfox freaked out a little (She lost most of the paperwork during Katrina) but I wasn't worried. All it would take is a phone call to the clerk of court for the divorce stuff, and an internet search to get a copy of my birth certificate (lost in a move, I think).
Except of course that to get a birth certificate over the internet (or phone) you need a debit card in the name of the person who needs the certificate, and my bank suspended mine when I had pneumonia. Still, I figured no problem... I can talk to the judge and maybe he can waive the requirement... So I call the county clerk and tell them I need a copy of my divorce papers.
They tell me that I'm not divorced at all, but still married to my ex wife.
You see, I had been told by my lawyer friend that all I had to do was file for divorce, wait 180 days, and the court system would take care of the rest... they would eventually mail me something that said 'you are officially divorced' to prove it. I fully intended on calling the court on the date (September 18th, 2005) and making sure that was what would happen. Unfortunately on August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina made landfall and things were absolute chaos down at the courthouse for months. Still, I had been assured that my divorce should now be legal and binding, (in fact, Stacey and Drew took me out on sept 18th for drinks to celebrate) so I didn't think to follow up on it.
So I ask the clerk what I have to do to clear this up, and they refuse to tell me because that would constitute 'Legal Advice' and I could sue them. I then called my friend, who tells me what I need to do (file for judgment) and exactly how to say this to the clerk of court. I call them back and they say 'you can't do that without a lawyer'.
I somehow restrain myself from buying a rifle and finding a clocktower, and figure at this point I have to somehow explain this to Silverfox. I thought for a moment that I should first hide her tazer, but then simply decided to do it over the phone (Tazers don't work over phone lines, do they?) . She was surprisingly understanding about it...but immediately rushes down to the courthouse to make sure that she's actually divorced (she is). I could still tell that it upsets her, and I vow to make this right somehow.
So I talk to a different lawyer, and he tells me that he thinks he can clear this up, but I'm gonna need the ex's co-operation to do so.
I haven't spoken to The ex in over a year at this point, and had no good contact info on her either. So I call her Mom, who tells me she ain't telling me nothing, my ex is in no condition to deal with any of this, and she (the mom) will only talk to my attorney. (I still don't officially have one because the guy who said he could clear it up said it was contingent on the ex's cooperation..) So I ask her what she means by "unable to deal", mostly out of concern. She again requests that my attorney call her, and hangs up on me.
After nearly breaking half the bones in my wrist and hand punching Silverfox's marble topped table in frustration, I have my Lawyer friend (the one who gave me the divorce advice to begin with) call her. He finds out Charity's in the loony bin again, (commited or just another two week vacation? your guess is as good as mine) but for sure unable to consent to anything legaly.
My hopes for settling this quickly evaporated like a puff of smoke flying out of a Dragon's butt after eating too many mexicans.
Silverfox and I talked it over (while I wished to myself that I was a widower rather than a non-divorcee) and decided that going forward with the ceremony was the thing to do... sure, it wouldn't be super official, but we have friends already coming in from out of town, deposits on the location, and the sincere desire to commit to each other... a bonus would be that we could later have the legally binding ceremony up in NY with my family present...
Of course, Janet isn't sure how she feels about going from "stand in mother of the groom" to "Stand in mother of the polygamist".
Then Silverfoxes Uncle Leo got hospitalized after a car accident. He's stable, but probably won't make the wedding. This left us without any food for what we estimate to be around thirty guests.
As the icing on the cake, Silverfox has been summoned for Jury Duty on the day of the wedding. Sure, getting married would be enough to get her out of it, but they're gonna want to see the Marriage license. It doesn't help her state of mind (or mine) that her Mom keeps telling her that she should postpone the wedding, and her brother has refused to walk her down the aisle.
Though, on the beach we won't really have an aisle...
Ever feel like somebody was trying to tell you something?
The short of it is that we're still going through with it... weither or not it will be legal and if I will be a bigamist or not is questionable. But I'll tell ya... if a hurricane or tropical storm even so much as twitches in our direction the week of the wedding they may have to fit both me and Silverfox for adjoining rubber rooms in the nuthouse next to the ex.
Update: The second Lawyer informed me today that because of the exs condition, he would need a 1500 dollar retainer to tackle this, but I should be prepared to face court costs of 3000 bucks. Also, because the papers were filed back in 2005, we would have to start the whole thing from scratch. That's just freaking lovely.
And I'm not talking small "speed bump in the wal-mart parking lot" stumbling blocks, either... I'm talking "Someone flew the Matterhorn in and expects you to climb it, fat boy" kinda stumbling blocks.
I don't even know where to begin... Many of you know about Silverfoxs Back problems, of course, Silverfox found out then that her wedding dress no longer fit (she has put on a little weight due to her back problems) So she orders a bigger one, and it doesn't fit either...
Still, we soldiered on... the dress thing sucks, but isn't insurmountable, right?
Then we found out that none of my family (including my brother/best man) is gonna be able to make it to the ceremony. I admit that I was dissapointed, but I understood completely... with gas at 4 bucks a gallon, I'll be lucky if I can make it to the wedding. After Silverfox and I talked about it, it seemed like we should still go ahead with it all (particularly with the idea of taking a trip up to new york for a second reception for my family bringing a smile to both our faces) My friend Janet has even offered to stand in for my Mom.
Even when Silverfoxes bridesmaids all tried to bail on us at the same time (figuring that my side was now a man short... a condition which only lasted the three minutes until I could contact a backup groomsman) we still were going through with it.
But then her uncle Vic had a stroke, and his house was the one we were planning on using as a staging area for the wedding (because he's only 5 minutes away from the location). Still, her uncle Leo had offered to pitch in and do all the grilling for us as a wedding gift... so we were still all gung-ho about it.
With love in our hearts and optimism in our step, last week we head down to the courthouse for the marriage license only to find out that we don't have the proper paperwork... specifically , our divorce papers and birth certificates. Silverfox freaked out a little (She lost most of the paperwork during Katrina) but I wasn't worried. All it would take is a phone call to the clerk of court for the divorce stuff, and an internet search to get a copy of my birth certificate (lost in a move, I think).
Except of course that to get a birth certificate over the internet (or phone) you need a debit card in the name of the person who needs the certificate, and my bank suspended mine when I had pneumonia. Still, I figured no problem... I can talk to the judge and maybe he can waive the requirement... So I call the county clerk and tell them I need a copy of my divorce papers.
They tell me that I'm not divorced at all, but still married to my ex wife.
You see, I had been told by my lawyer friend that all I had to do was file for divorce, wait 180 days, and the court system would take care of the rest... they would eventually mail me something that said 'you are officially divorced' to prove it. I fully intended on calling the court on the date (September 18th, 2005) and making sure that was what would happen. Unfortunately on August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina made landfall and things were absolute chaos down at the courthouse for months. Still, I had been assured that my divorce should now be legal and binding, (in fact, Stacey and Drew took me out on sept 18th for drinks to celebrate) so I didn't think to follow up on it.
So I ask the clerk what I have to do to clear this up, and they refuse to tell me because that would constitute 'Legal Advice' and I could sue them. I then called my friend, who tells me what I need to do (file for judgment) and exactly how to say this to the clerk of court. I call them back and they say 'you can't do that without a lawyer'.
I somehow restrain myself from buying a rifle and finding a clocktower, and figure at this point I have to somehow explain this to Silverfox. I thought for a moment that I should first hide her tazer, but then simply decided to do it over the phone (Tazers don't work over phone lines, do they?) . She was surprisingly understanding about it...but immediately rushes down to the courthouse to make sure that she's actually divorced (she is). I could still tell that it upsets her, and I vow to make this right somehow.
So I talk to a different lawyer, and he tells me that he thinks he can clear this up, but I'm gonna need the ex's co-operation to do so.
I haven't spoken to The ex in over a year at this point, and had no good contact info on her either. So I call her Mom, who tells me she ain't telling me nothing, my ex is in no condition to deal with any of this, and she (the mom) will only talk to my attorney. (I still don't officially have one because the guy who said he could clear it up said it was contingent on the ex's cooperation..) So I ask her what she means by "unable to deal", mostly out of concern. She again requests that my attorney call her, and hangs up on me.
After nearly breaking half the bones in my wrist and hand punching Silverfox's marble topped table in frustration, I have my Lawyer friend (the one who gave me the divorce advice to begin with) call her. He finds out Charity's in the loony bin again, (commited or just another two week vacation? your guess is as good as mine) but for sure unable to consent to anything legaly.
My hopes for settling this quickly evaporated like a puff of smoke flying out of a Dragon's butt after eating too many mexicans.
Silverfox and I talked it over (while I wished to myself that I was a widower rather than a non-divorcee) and decided that going forward with the ceremony was the thing to do... sure, it wouldn't be super official, but we have friends already coming in from out of town, deposits on the location, and the sincere desire to commit to each other... a bonus would be that we could later have the legally binding ceremony up in NY with my family present...
Of course, Janet isn't sure how she feels about going from "stand in mother of the groom" to "Stand in mother of the polygamist".
Then Silverfoxes Uncle Leo got hospitalized after a car accident. He's stable, but probably won't make the wedding. This left us without any food for what we estimate to be around thirty guests.
As the icing on the cake, Silverfox has been summoned for Jury Duty on the day of the wedding. Sure, getting married would be enough to get her out of it, but they're gonna want to see the Marriage license. It doesn't help her state of mind (or mine) that her Mom keeps telling her that she should postpone the wedding, and her brother has refused to walk her down the aisle.
Though, on the beach we won't really have an aisle...
Ever feel like somebody was trying to tell you something?
The short of it is that we're still going through with it... weither or not it will be legal and if I will be a bigamist or not is questionable. But I'll tell ya... if a hurricane or tropical storm even so much as twitches in our direction the week of the wedding they may have to fit both me and Silverfox for adjoining rubber rooms in the nuthouse next to the ex.
Update: The second Lawyer informed me today that because of the exs condition, he would need a 1500 dollar retainer to tackle this, but I should be prepared to face court costs of 3000 bucks. Also, because the papers were filed back in 2005, we would have to start the whole thing from scratch. That's just freaking lovely.
Some funny on a tuesday...
A Man away on buisness calls home. The Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's mad-- so he says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Some funny on a sunday...
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
Friday, July 25, 2008
Some funny on a friday...
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Some funny on a wednesday...
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Monday, July 21, 2008
Some funny on a monday...
A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"
A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town.
As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave.
"Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.
"Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"
A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town.
As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave.
"Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.
"Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Some funny on a saturday...
Fred got home from his Saturday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
Friday, July 18, 2008
Once you swap the top, you just can't stop...
Well, by now you've all read yesterday's post... and may have realized I am now obsessed with manbabies.com. So much so that I couldn't stop at the pictures of me and Pint Size, but have since moved on to borrowing pictures of my friends and their kids for my Photoshop entertainment...
I should probably send a few of these to the site that inspired them, but I figure I already have the satisfaction of showing the world my mad photoshop skills, so why bother?
Now on to the photos... for my first offering, I present Dave Gabol and his son, Jack in "Daddy naps while Jack reads"
The hardest part of it was matching Dave's skin tone to Jacks. I wish I had a higher resolution image to work with, though.
My second offering today is Drew, Stacey, and Ace Spiehler in "Now who's the clone?"
Three funny things about the above picture...
One, Drew looks less like a baby and more like a midget than any of these I have seen thus far.
Two, I was so tempted not to enlarge Ace's head at all, but just paste Drew's head over his that I really had to force myself to finish the job. (the big joke after Ace was born was that he was actually Drew's clone)
Three, I didn't have to change Drew's reflection in the glass at all to match Ace's head. that's not as funny as it is scary.
I should probably send a few of these to the site that inspired them, but I figure I already have the satisfaction of showing the world my mad photoshop skills, so why bother?
Now on to the photos... for my first offering, I present Dave Gabol and his son, Jack in "Daddy naps while Jack reads"
The hardest part of it was matching Dave's skin tone to Jacks. I wish I had a higher resolution image to work with, though.My second offering today is Drew, Stacey, and Ace Spiehler in "Now who's the clone?"
Three funny things about the above picture...One, Drew looks less like a baby and more like a midget than any of these I have seen thus far.
Two, I was so tempted not to enlarge Ace's head at all, but just paste Drew's head over his that I really had to force myself to finish the job. (the big joke after Ace was born was that he was actually Drew's clone)
Three, I didn't have to change Drew's reflection in the glass at all to match Ace's head. that's not as funny as it is scary.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
So, Stacey texts me about this site...
Called manbabies.com... which is full of pictures of Dads with their kids having swapped the Dad's head for the kid's head in photoshop. She also recomended that I should make one of me and Pint Size and submit it to the site.
Look. I don't have time to make a silly photoshop project that will just go into some guys "to post" folder for several weeks without so much as an e-mail telling me that it will eventually be posted...
I have time to make two.
I still haven't decided if i'm gonna submit them to the manbabies site or not, but they sure came out cute... (if slightly creepy) so I figured I would just share them here...
I call this first one "Superman and Superbaby having breakfast at McDonalds"
The second one I have titled "Are you sure this thing is safe?"
Three things I am sure of after this particular experiment...
1) Pint size had better watch his waistline as he gets older or he's gonna look downright silly.
2) I was an adorable baby.
3) I have WAAAAAAAY too much time on my hands at work.
Look. I don't have time to make a silly photoshop project that will just go into some guys "to post" folder for several weeks without so much as an e-mail telling me that it will eventually be posted...
I have time to make two.
I still haven't decided if i'm gonna submit them to the manbabies site or not, but they sure came out cute... (if slightly creepy) so I figured I would just share them here...
I call this first one "Superman and Superbaby having breakfast at McDonalds"
The second one I have titled "Are you sure this thing is safe?"
Three things I am sure of after this particular experiment...1) Pint size had better watch his waistline as he gets older or he's gonna look downright silly.
2) I was an adorable baby.
3) I have WAAAAAAAY too much time on my hands at work.
Some funny on a thursday....
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Some funny on a tuesday...
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Some funny on a sunday...
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Right now...
Short stuff is singing "Star Trekkin" to himself as he washes his hands after breakfast.
I'm so proud I could bust.
I'm so proud I could bust.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Some funny on a friday....
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Some funny on a wednesday...
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Okay... I need a house with a yard.
Why, you ask? so I can build a Tardis garden shed. After all, it's where David Tennent keeps his hoes...
Maybe I can convince Silverfox to let me build one on the balcony of the condo... of course I have to finish cleaning it first...
Maybe I can convince Silverfox to let me build one on the balcony of the condo... of course I have to finish cleaning it first...
Monday, July 07, 2008
Some funny for a Monday...
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Some funny on a saturday...
A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.
The doctor gives her a physical, and then pulls three bottles of pills out of the cabinet and hands them to her. “Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water,” the doctor says, “take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water, and take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Doctor?”
The Doctor says “Yeah. You don’t drink enough water.”
The doctor gives her a physical, and then pulls three bottles of pills out of the cabinet and hands them to her. “Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water,” the doctor says, “take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water, and take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Doctor?”
The Doctor says “Yeah. You don’t drink enough water.”
Friday, July 04, 2008
Something to think about this Independance Day...
As I'm sure most people that read this blog that live in the state of Louisiana know, during the last session of the state legislature, they passed a law that would effectively give themselves a pay raise of over 100%. Our newly elected Governor, Bobby Jindal, had said previously that he would maintain a "hands off" attitude toward the legislature's internal workings, and as such would not Veto the pay raise, even though he was strongly opposed to it.
Public outcry was intense, and people that normally sit on their couches complaining "Well, that's politics as usual in Louisiana for ya" stood up as one and let their voices be heard for the first time in years. Much of this outcry was directed at Governor Jindal, who had run (as a certain Presidential hopeful is now running) on a platform of change. There was suddenly talk of recall elections, petitions going around that would essentially get the ball rolling on removing Jindal and the state legislators that had voted for the bill from office.
The legislators whined that their 40 thou a year was not enough for the part time job that was turning full time through Governor Jindal's efforts to get more done for the people. It was glossed over that with the perks of the job, their income hovers around 60 thou, in a state where many people working full time (myself included) make under 25 thou a year.
The Governor was in a tight spot. He knew that an outright Veto would make it next to impossible to get further reform legislation through the house, but he also knew that the people wanted him to stop these greedy idiots.
I am proud to say that the Governor finally did the right thing. His boss (the people) had spoken and told the legislators "enough!" the bill was vetoed on Monday morning. Democracy had prevailed over those that would exploit the system.
232 years ago, some sweaty old white guys in a Philadelphia courthouse worked together to create a system of government that would allow for the will of the people to be heard without having to resort to violence. This week, (in Louisiana at least) it was.
Many of us have issues with the direction the country is headed. Soaring gas prices caused by an unpopular war have many grumbling for radical change. Any idiot can take to the street with a rock in their hand and toss it at an unpopular leader, but it takes a much smarter person to accomplish change from within the system. Over the past two centuries, thousands of people have put their lives on the line to give you the opportunity to be that smart person, a freedom that we often take for granted.
Appreciate your freedom today. Oppose those that think that Government is there to further their own agendas. Make the founding fathers glad that the country they fought so hard to make happen has endured.
Public outcry was intense, and people that normally sit on their couches complaining "Well, that's politics as usual in Louisiana for ya" stood up as one and let their voices be heard for the first time in years. Much of this outcry was directed at Governor Jindal, who had run (as a certain Presidential hopeful is now running) on a platform of change. There was suddenly talk of recall elections, petitions going around that would essentially get the ball rolling on removing Jindal and the state legislators that had voted for the bill from office.
The legislators whined that their 40 thou a year was not enough for the part time job that was turning full time through Governor Jindal's efforts to get more done for the people. It was glossed over that with the perks of the job, their income hovers around 60 thou, in a state where many people working full time (myself included) make under 25 thou a year.
The Governor was in a tight spot. He knew that an outright Veto would make it next to impossible to get further reform legislation through the house, but he also knew that the people wanted him to stop these greedy idiots.
I am proud to say that the Governor finally did the right thing. His boss (the people) had spoken and told the legislators "enough!" the bill was vetoed on Monday morning. Democracy had prevailed over those that would exploit the system.
232 years ago, some sweaty old white guys in a Philadelphia courthouse worked together to create a system of government that would allow for the will of the people to be heard without having to resort to violence. This week, (in Louisiana at least) it was.
Many of us have issues with the direction the country is headed. Soaring gas prices caused by an unpopular war have many grumbling for radical change. Any idiot can take to the street with a rock in their hand and toss it at an unpopular leader, but it takes a much smarter person to accomplish change from within the system. Over the past two centuries, thousands of people have put their lives on the line to give you the opportunity to be that smart person, a freedom that we often take for granted.
Appreciate your freedom today. Oppose those that think that Government is there to further their own agendas. Make the founding fathers glad that the country they fought so hard to make happen has endured.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
More Dr Horrible goodness...
This time literally... Dr Horrible's Nemesis, ultra do-gooder Captain Hammer, (played on the video blog by Firefly's Nathan Fillion) Has his own online comic book! Check it out!
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
A few quick funnies on a wednesday...
Q:What did the bra say to the hat?
A:"You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift."
Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories.
Q:What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
A:Bacon and legs.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Doing my part...
to advance the brilliance of Joss Whedon a little farther in this world:
It's a musical. About a supervillian. Played by Neil Patrick Harris. Could there be a more perfect form of entertainment? The Teaser speaks for itself, I think.
What are you waiting for? Click! Click!!
It's a musical. About a supervillian. Played by Neil Patrick Harris. Could there be a more perfect form of entertainment? The Teaser speaks for itself, I think.
What are you waiting for? Click! Click!!
Happy Canada day!
Today is Canada day, which is just like American Independence day... only nobody really became independent of anything, and a lot more hockey is played in it's honor. For those that don't know, Canada is much more than "America Lite" it has it's own culture and everything. I confess that I personally know very little about Canada beyond what I've seen in Dudley Do-Right cartoons, but I hear it's just super, especially in modern times where there are less and less railroad tracks for the likes of Snidley Whiplash to tie a helpless woman to.
To celebrate, I offer my favorite song about Canada as performed by Robin Williams:
To celebrate, I offer my favorite song about Canada as performed by Robin Williams:
Monday, June 30, 2008
Short Stuff's party... an exciting day for all concerned.
Well, Short Stuff's celebration of his sixth trip around the sun went off without a hitch. Silverfox and our gaming crew did an outstanding job on the requested Death Star cake:
The little grey things flying around it are Imperial Star destroyers, which Brouhaha was instant be to scale with the moste feared space station in galactic history... Although he was also quick to point out that the turbolaser should have been a mite bigger.
And of course, that there should have been a small thermal exhaust port somewhere in the trench around the equator. (Right beneath the main port, of course) I also noticed some evidence of the paranormal in the second cake photo... in the lower right hand corner, there is a large, pink fleshy mass that I have no recolection of being there at the time. Then again, it could just be my thumb...
So anyway, we delivered the cake without incident. Short stuff dressed up as his Hero, Darth Vader, but embarrassingly for him, so did the REAL Dark Lord of the Sith, who arrived shortly thereafter with one of the TIE fighter pilots that escorted him to our little backwater of a world. Don't you just hate when you go to a party and someone else is wearing the same outfit?
Short stuff was struck speechless when Vader entered the room, but while most of the other kids there cowered behind their parents in fear of the dark side of the force, Short stuff walked right up to him, shook his hand and said "Hello, Darth Vader. Welcome to my party."
I was so proud. More photo ops were had, this one with Pint size, Silverfox and her neice, DaNiece, who is aparently far less afraid of men with the power to choke you with their mind as she is of clowns.
Even Pint Size warmed up to Vader after a while... in the picture below, he's whispering to his cousin "Don't worry. it's just a guy in a suit!"
Of course, he was speaking in baby jabber, so my translation could be a little off. Pint size was also groovin on the punch Silverfox made (Yoda Soda... Limeade, Lime sherbert mixed with "Mountain Dew or do not... there is no try"*) Little runt grabbed at least two cups of it from me and chugged them. He's gonna be one heck of a frat boy when he grows up.
Soon, Lord Vader had to leave, as he had some rebel scum to hunt down and kill, so we had cake. Short stuff was so excited that he forgot to remove his Vader mask before blowing out the candles.
Ah, that's my boy....
It was a pretty great day. After the guests all went home, Shorty decided he wanted to stay at Grandma's with his cousins... we were happy to oblige him, but got a call soon after we left that he had tripped onto a stool, and knocked three of his front teeth out:
On the bright side, they were all baby teeth, and will grow back... on the dark side, Silverfox is worried that a cherished childhood memory of meeting Darth Vader is now marred by having his smile altered.
I guess this is what Yoday meant by "Once you begin to walk the path of the Dark side, it will forever dominate your destiny.
*this joke was made possible through the wit of Stacey Sphieler, who is rapidly becoming a fangirl against her will.
The little grey things flying around it are Imperial Star destroyers, which Brouhaha was instant be to scale with the moste feared space station in galactic history... Although he was also quick to point out that the turbolaser should have been a mite bigger.
And of course, that there should have been a small thermal exhaust port somewhere in the trench around the equator. (Right beneath the main port, of course) I also noticed some evidence of the paranormal in the second cake photo... in the lower right hand corner, there is a large, pink fleshy mass that I have no recolection of being there at the time. Then again, it could just be my thumb...So anyway, we delivered the cake without incident. Short stuff dressed up as his Hero, Darth Vader, but embarrassingly for him, so did the REAL Dark Lord of the Sith, who arrived shortly thereafter with one of the TIE fighter pilots that escorted him to our little backwater of a world. Don't you just hate when you go to a party and someone else is wearing the same outfit?
Short stuff was struck speechless when Vader entered the room, but while most of the other kids there cowered behind their parents in fear of the dark side of the force, Short stuff walked right up to him, shook his hand and said "Hello, Darth Vader. Welcome to my party."I was so proud. More photo ops were had, this one with Pint size, Silverfox and her neice, DaNiece, who is aparently far less afraid of men with the power to choke you with their mind as she is of clowns.
Even Pint Size warmed up to Vader after a while... in the picture below, he's whispering to his cousin "Don't worry. it's just a guy in a suit!"
Of course, he was speaking in baby jabber, so my translation could be a little off. Pint size was also groovin on the punch Silverfox made (Yoda Soda... Limeade, Lime sherbert mixed with "Mountain Dew or do not... there is no try"*) Little runt grabbed at least two cups of it from me and chugged them. He's gonna be one heck of a frat boy when he grows up.Soon, Lord Vader had to leave, as he had some rebel scum to hunt down and kill, so we had cake. Short stuff was so excited that he forgot to remove his Vader mask before blowing out the candles.
Ah, that's my boy....
It was a pretty great day. After the guests all went home, Shorty decided he wanted to stay at Grandma's with his cousins... we were happy to oblige him, but got a call soon after we left that he had tripped onto a stool, and knocked three of his front teeth out:
On the bright side, they were all baby teeth, and will grow back... on the dark side, Silverfox is worried that a cherished childhood memory of meeting Darth Vader is now marred by having his smile altered.I guess this is what Yoday meant by "Once you begin to walk the path of the Dark side, it will forever dominate your destiny.
*this joke was made possible through the wit of Stacey Sphieler, who is rapidly becoming a fangirl against her will.
Some funny for a Monday...
A traveling salesman is in West Virginia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the front steps.
"Son, is your mother home?" The little boy nods yes.
"Can I see her please?" The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep.
"Son, do you see what your mother is doing?" The boy nods yes.
"Do you know what that is?" The boy nods.
"Doesn't that bother you?"
"Naaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Some funny on a saturday...
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Saturday is Short Stuff's 6th birthday... sort of...
Saturday we are celebrating Short Stuff's 6th birthday, even though his actual birthday was on the 16th. You see, Silverfox and one of her closest friends gave birth on the same day in the same hospital, and so they try each year to co-ordinate the parties so that they don't conflict. This year, Short Stuff got the short end of the stick by having to have his party two weeks after the fact.
Shorty is a huge Star Wars fan, and so we're having a Star Wars themed party, complete with appearances by Darth Vader (Short Stuff's fave) and a few Stormtroopers. It should be a lot of fun, rain or shine. Afterward, the adults are intending on going back to Casa Kahunah and hoisting a few while playing a few rounds of Redneck Life and Rock Band. It promises to be pretty awesome.
I've been looking online for some games for the kids to play and I think that I have a few activities that they'll appreciate, but Silverfox doesn't seem to want me to let the kids play "Pass the Thermal Detonator" for some reason. Maybe I should go buy a few Hand Grenades (the drink, not the bomb) and call them thermal detonators... that way even if the kids find the party boring as hell, we adults in attendance will still be entertained. I also thought about doing a Jedi training course where the kids would have to swat at bubbles with lightsabers.
So, any game suggestions?
Shorty is a huge Star Wars fan, and so we're having a Star Wars themed party, complete with appearances by Darth Vader (Short Stuff's fave) and a few Stormtroopers. It should be a lot of fun, rain or shine. Afterward, the adults are intending on going back to Casa Kahunah and hoisting a few while playing a few rounds of Redneck Life and Rock Band. It promises to be pretty awesome.
I've been looking online for some games for the kids to play and I think that I have a few activities that they'll appreciate, but Silverfox doesn't seem to want me to let the kids play "Pass the Thermal Detonator" for some reason. Maybe I should go buy a few Hand Grenades (the drink, not the bomb) and call them thermal detonators... that way even if the kids find the party boring as hell, we adults in attendance will still be entertained. I also thought about doing a Jedi training course where the kids would have to swat at bubbles with lightsabers.
So, any game suggestions?
Some funny on a thursday....
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Some funny on a tuesday...
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed and said ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''
''No, she replied. "You just happened to catch my eye!''
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Some funny on a sunday...
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Silverfox and the issue of slavery...
On the way to Coast Con a few months ago, I suggested to Silverfox that we should buy ourselves a slave from the annual charity slave auction. I was unsure how she would take it, (seeing as how part of the amazing multi-ethnic genetic makeup that makes my soul mate one of the most beautiful women in history is African-american), and I certainly didn’t want to offend any part of her.
“A slave?” She responded innocently, “I’ve never bought one before. What would we do with one?”
“Have them serve us drinks, for one…” I said, glad that she wasn’t about to kill me for suggesting it, “and we could make them dance with anyone who asks us to.”
“We can do that?” She said.
“Sure. We could even insist that they answer to another name for the night.” I said, “Like Chim-Chim or something.”
“Chim-Chim! Dance for the man!” She said, clapping and laughing.
We wound up buying two slaves the next day, but released them both early as there was no bar at the Coast Con dance, so we had little for them to do. I could tell that Silverfox really enjoyed it when I told both slaves to refer to her as “mistress” for the entire evening.
Turns out she enjoyed it a bit too much.
At Mobicon, she was ready with a dog collar and whip for her slaves. It was innocent enough, I figured, as she needed a servant for her bachlorette party. But She bought two, and made one walk the other. I have a feeling that they’re lucky she didn’t think to bring one of those royal litters that they carried Cleopatra around on.
Now, she buys up all of our friends on MySpace with the “Own Your Friends” application, and "brands" them with the label of "Silverfox's Posse". I constantly buy them back and liberate them, but I’m running out of the imaginary money to do so. The other day I pointed out to her the ethical and moral implications of all this, and was told flatly that she can trade in human flesh if she wants to.
I believe I have created a monster.
Now, I should probably mention here that in stark contrast to this, Silverfox is nobody's servant. She is as fiery and independent a woman as I have ever known. Her likely response if I were to order her to do something would normally be to laugh in my face. Except in one place... Her mom's house.
For some reason, when she is at her Mom's, her mother insists that she wait on me hand and foot, which she does. She gets me drinks, brings me food, and makes sure I'm comfortable. When I joke about it, she glares at me and her mom starts going on about how "she wasn't raised to give you attitude like that, Rob. I Don't know where she gets that from." Which makes me laugh even more. I once asked her how she could suddenly be so subservient around her Mom, but nowhere else and she replied, "Because I would never hear the end of it from her. It's a southern thing, Rob"
Maybe I just need to create a MySpace app that will act like her Mom :)
Friday, June 20, 2008
Some funny on a friday...
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Challenge of the Super Friends...
Over on the TV Squad blog, they’ve been reviewing the old Super Friends cartoons during the summer, seeing as how there is little to review on TV right now. Normally, I just skim over these entries, taking my little trip down nostalga lane for a few minutes, and then getting on with my life.
However, today’s entry was a bit of a sticking point for me… it postulated that many of the multi-ethnic heroes and also-rans added later in the show (Specifically, Samurai, Apache Chief, Black Vulcan, El Dorado, and Firestorm) were way more powerful than the original Super Friends (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman) and thusly should have been running the show at the Hall of Justice. His explanation is fairly simple… in a smack down, the original four (five, if you count Robin) have very few powers between them, and a tremendous weakness or two. (i.e. kryptonite and being away from water for about an hour)
I hate to say it, but I would tend to agree with the commentator, were it not for one thing…
Batman.
Sure, the Batman in the Super Friends is a far cry from the brooding creature of the night in the Bruce Timmeverse, but he’s still a tactical genius, and one of the baddest hand-to-hand fighters on the planet earth. The blogger in question seems to think that if you take away the utility belts, Batman and Robin are simply helpless.
Au Contrare, mon ami. A Batman (any Batman) without his gadgets is even more dangerous because he is then forced to use his most powerful weapon… his brain.
Methinks it would go down something like this…
INT- HALL OF JUSTICE- DAY
Samurai, Apache Chief, Black Vulcan and
BLACK VULCAN: I’m telling you guys… all of us new members are just the tokens around here. The only reason they let us into this group of theirs is affirmative action! They’ve reduced us and our cultures to stereotypes!
APACHE CHIEF: Ease off on the Spanish, kimo sabe. It’s just what they want you to do.
Apache Chief slaps himself for doing the same thing.
FIRESTORM: Whoa guys…that isn’t true. What about me?
SAMURAI: Do you see any other teenagers around here, Firestorm?
FIRESTORM: Well, there’s The wonder twins… and Robin.
SAMURAI: I meant straight teenagers. Robin doesn’t count. He’s been Batman’s sidekick since the 50’s.
BLACK VULCAN: Yeah. Dude must be at least 60 by now.
APACHE CHIEF: So, what do we do?
BLACK VULCAN: We take em out! Show Superhonky and the whitebread squad how we do things in the ghetto.
APACHE CHIEF: Dude, now you’re doing it.
BLACK VULCAN: Damn.
NARRATOR: AT THAT MOMENT, SUPERHONK… I MEAN SUPERMAN, WONDER WOMAN, BATMAN, ROBIN AND AQUAMAN RETURN FROM SAVING THE WORLD ONCE MORE.
BLACK VULCAN: Get em, guys!
Black Vulcan fires a lightning bolt at Superman, doing exactly squat.
SUPERMAN: What is the meaning of this?
SAMURAI: We’ve had it working as your token minorities!
Samurai hurls a whirlwind at Wonder Woman, making her spin.
WONDER WOMAN: Great Hera!
ROBIN: Holy turncoats, Batman! They’ve all gone from super friends to super foes!
BATMAN: It would seem so chum. Quickly, Robin… batarangs!
NARRATOR: SUDDENLY, FIRESTORM TURNS THE DYNAMIC DUO’S UTILITY BELTS TO SOAP BUBBLES!
ROBIN: Holy disarming, Batman! What do we do now?
BATMAN: Follow me, chum!
Batman and Robin jump past him and kick both Apache Chief and Samurai in the throat.
APACHE CHIEF: INECK- gugh!
SAMURAI: KASINAMO- NE-ackugh!
NARRATOR: UNABLE TO SAY THE WORDS FOR “GROW” OR “INVISIBLE MAN” IN THEIR NATIVE LANGUAGE, SAMURAI AND APACHE CHIEF FALL UNCONCIOUS TO THE FLOOR!
AQUAMAN: My ability to talk to sea creatures is useless in this situation!
BLACK VULCAN: Unfortunately for you, princess, gold is an excellent conductor of electricity.
Black Vulcan sends electricity down the rope, shocking both
BLACK VULCAN: Oops.
NARRATOR: BEFORE BLACK VULCAN CAN REACT, SUPERMAN USES HIS SUPER BREATH TO FREEZE THE MASTER OF LIGHTNING SOLID!
SUPERMAN: Too easy.
FIRESTORM: As easy as this?
Firestorm turns Superman’s cape to kryptonite.
SUPERMAN: Arrrgh!
ROBIN:
BATMAN: Help Superman, Robin. I’ll take care of this youngster.
Batman walks up to Firestorm. Firestorm raises his hands to activate his powers.
FIRESTORM: Please… what are you gonna do? You have no powers! Why, I could turn your costume to uranium and kill you! Or turn the floor underneath you to tar! Or…
Batman simply punches him in the face. Firestorm falls to the floor, unconscious.
BATMAN: Sigh. When will this younger generation ever learn?
THE END
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Some funny on a wednesday...
An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, "You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad."
The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, "What is it, Doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight."
"Well," says the doctor, "you have cancer and you have Alzheimers."
The man replies, "Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Monday, June 16, 2008
Some funny for a Monday... adultery edition
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Some funny on a saturday...
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Some funny on a thursday.... dirty joke time...
Two sperm are swimming in a women's body.
One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, just how far is the uterus anyway?"
The second sperm begins to laugh and says, "The uterus!? We just passed the esophagus."
One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, just how far is the uterus anyway?"
The second sperm begins to laugh and says, "The uterus!? We just passed the esophagus."
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Some funny on a tuesday...
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Some funny on a sunday...
One night, a man with no voice and his friend went to a bar. The men at the bar wanted to know what he would like in a woman. He pointed to his head. His friend explained that he wanted a smart woman. Then, he rubbed his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend explained that he wanted a woman with money. Then, he opened his hands wide, bent his fingers, and made them cupped. He bounced them under his chest. His friend looked at him kinda wierd.
"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"
Saturday, June 07, 2008
The Book Meme...
Lauren Tagged me for The Book Meme, and I never get tagged for anything anymore... so here we go:
Total number of books I’ve owned:
In my lifetime? Thousands, and that's not counting the comic books... Right now, my personal collection of books, cookbooks and comics numbers at about 600 or so (all of which I have read)... and when you consider that I threw/donated/sold/gave half of them away before I moved in with Silverfox in November, and I'm not counting the books owned by Silverfox and the kids... That's a lot of books, kids. I have a respectable personal library going on.
Last book I bought:
Anasani Boys by Neil Gaiman. Still haven't read it because I need to read American Gods first. No, wait... I had Silverfox buy me the Green Eggs and Ham Cookbook.
Last book I read:
Comic book/Graphic novel: The greatest Superman Stories ever told for the fifth time or so.
Children's book: I read Harold and the Purple Crayon to Short stuff last week.
Regular book: Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire- I'm slowly getting through the series.
Book I’m reading right now:
I am embarrassed to say that there is no book on my nightstand at the moment.
Five books that mean something to me:
Harold's ABC's- The first book I can remember reading by myself.
Raise the Titanic by Clive Cussler- My Dad gave me his paperback copy of this book so I would have something to read for a book report when I was ten. I loved it. It's responsible for my fascination with the sea and lost treasures. Mr Cussler- if you're ever in New Orleans, I would like to buy you a beer.
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams- taught me that Sci-Fi could be funny without being a parody of itself.
Kingdom Come by Alex Ross and Mark Waid- The first Graphic novel that I ever said "wow" out loud after reading it. It plays on the religious elements in the Superhero genre, and does it really well.
Batman: the Dark Night Returns by Frank Miller- Redefined the character of Batman for my generation. In my mind, he suddenly went from a campy do-gooder to a twisted psycho. This Graphic novel is the reason I wanted to become a writer... so I could tell stories that would effect people like this one did me.
Five books I think everyone should read at least once: (I added this one to the meme, as it seemed a little short on content)
The Bible- everyone should at least once. Belief in God aside, it is the basis for the bulk of western literature.
Childhood's End by Arthur C. Clarke- In my opinion, the best science fiction novel ever... and I don't say that easily.
The Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons- A benchmark in the idea of Graphic Novel as true literature. An incredible story. Try to read it before the movie comes out and ruins it's reputation.
The Princess Bride (the good parts version) by William Goldman- Forget the movie... the book is sooooo much cooler. And you, in turn, will seem soooooo much geekier...
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes- About a Forrest Gump type that undergoes an experimental procedure to increase his intelligence. It will change the way you look at the mentally challenged in our society.
Five people that should answer these questions:
Friday, June 06, 2008
Some funny on a friday...
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, "Hey you look just like me!"
The other man agrees and asks, "Where are you from?"
The first guy answers, "Chicago."
"Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"
"Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.
"Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What's your address?"
''951."
"Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?"
"John and Cathy," says the first guy.
"Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we're related!?"
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.
"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."
The other man agrees and asks, "Where are you from?"
The first guy answers, "Chicago."
"Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"
"Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.
"Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What's your address?"
''951."
"Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?"
"John and Cathy," says the first guy.
"Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we're related!?"
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.
"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."
Thursday, June 05, 2008
I am so offended right now... I could give up TV forever.
Okay, I will admit that I did not see this particular stunt in advertising first hand, (read about it on TV Squad's blog) but I am offended none the less. We have all gotten used to the stupid promos that invade our favorite television shows, taking up more and more of the screen over the years, sometimes not allowing us to view crucial information or subtitles... I chalk it up to being the down side of living in our DVR/ DVD box set age.
It's all simple math, really... Advertisers want your money. To get that money, they need to get you their message. To get you that message, the networks need you to watch their other shows. They need to make sure that you know about said other shows to convince the advertisers that you will, in fact watch them.
TBS however, has crossed a very real line.
In the following clip, Bill Engvall steps onto the screen and pauses the show to deliver his pitch about his show.
Sure, it's only 2 seconds before commercial, but that really isn't the point. If this campaign is at all successful, what's to stop them from "pausing" your favorite show during the really intense, dramatic parts to pitch you something that will make your shirts whiter than white?
You know, it's totally unnecessary, too... I still watch commercials, even when I'm fast forwarding... if I see one that catches my eye, (a product I want, or something that looked clever in FF mode) I will invariably stop and watch it anyway. I suspect I am not alone in this.
Anyway, I think that if they continue to do this, or do it during something like pro wrestling, they will experience a backlash that will not only effect them, but the whole medium. We have other choices now, after all. Internet TV has less commercials and convenience going for it... plus, I have many friends that just wait for the whole season of their favorite show to come out on DVD, without ever watching it in "real time".
Bastards. When will they realize that I don't give a rat's bottom about "natural male enhancement", the latest A.P.R. on the new Prius, or some yuppies scarfing down sonic cheesburgers in a mini-van? If I want to shop, I can log onto ebay. Just get to entertaining me, damn you.
Okay, end of rant... but I would love to know what some of my readers think about this development.
It's all simple math, really... Advertisers want your money. To get that money, they need to get you their message. To get you that message, the networks need you to watch their other shows. They need to make sure that you know about said other shows to convince the advertisers that you will, in fact watch them.
TBS however, has crossed a very real line.
In the following clip, Bill Engvall steps onto the screen and pauses the show to deliver his pitch about his show.
Sure, it's only 2 seconds before commercial, but that really isn't the point. If this campaign is at all successful, what's to stop them from "pausing" your favorite show during the really intense, dramatic parts to pitch you something that will make your shirts whiter than white?
You know, it's totally unnecessary, too... I still watch commercials, even when I'm fast forwarding... if I see one that catches my eye, (a product I want, or something that looked clever in FF mode) I will invariably stop and watch it anyway. I suspect I am not alone in this.
Anyway, I think that if they continue to do this, or do it during something like pro wrestling, they will experience a backlash that will not only effect them, but the whole medium. We have other choices now, after all. Internet TV has less commercials and convenience going for it... plus, I have many friends that just wait for the whole season of their favorite show to come out on DVD, without ever watching it in "real time".
Bastards. When will they realize that I don't give a rat's bottom about "natural male enhancement", the latest A.P.R. on the new Prius, or some yuppies scarfing down sonic cheesburgers in a mini-van? If I want to shop, I can log onto ebay. Just get to entertaining me, damn you.
Okay, end of rant... but I would love to know what some of my readers think about this development.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Some funny on a wednesday...
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
Monday, June 02, 2008
Kahunah of cakes....
Silverfox's godson wanted a Spider-man cake for his birthday party, so we stepped up to the plate. Grand designs were made involving fondant, heartache and a serious lack of sleep.
At one point, I even had a dream that Stan "the man" Lee himself was admonishing me for not making the Spidey cake the "mighty marvel way". He went on to tell me that Steve Ditko never would have approved of our cake design because it lacked the grace and action that Spidey is known for. Fortunately, Stan was full of ideas, so I sat there with my sketch pad in the dream penciling out a few. The next morning, I asked Silverfox to indulge me while I tried to make a few of the better ones from my dream out of fondant. The results were disastrous.
Apparently, whichever side of my subconscious produced "Stan" has a lot to learn about the physics of Fondant.
After much ado, my sculpting skills and Silverfoxes mad cake-making skills produced the following cake:
At one point, I even had a dream that Stan "the man" Lee himself was admonishing me for not making the Spidey cake the "mighty marvel way". He went on to tell me that Steve Ditko never would have approved of our cake design because it lacked the grace and action that Spidey is known for. Fortunately, Stan was full of ideas, so I sat there with my sketch pad in the dream penciling out a few. The next morning, I asked Silverfox to indulge me while I tried to make a few of the better ones from my dream out of fondant. The results were disastrous.
Apparently, whichever side of my subconscious produced "Stan" has a lot to learn about the physics of Fondant.
After much ado, my sculpting skills and Silverfoxes mad cake-making skills produced the following cake:
Yes, it's a larger than life Spidey perched atop an office building over a city street. I sculpted Spidey, and the cars on the street. Originally, Silverfox and I had talked about having Spidey swinging between two office buildings, but were at a loss as to how much of the city around him we would have to build in that case. Still, the cake looked great... if only it had arrived at it's destination that way.
A hint for any aspiring cake makers: New Orleans streets+90 plus degree weather+butter cream icing= melted building and Spidey sidewalk pizza. Still tasted good though, and the kid was only two, so it's not like he's gonna remember it... Short Stuff's birthday is in another two weeks... he wants a Death Star cake.
Bring it.
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